christmas wish list
if i'll be materialistic, i want these for christmas.
clinique happy for men
hugo boss dark blue
iPod nano
read if you're bored, don't if you're not
my day starter
yesterday, my day started late. i woke up at 3 in the afternoon. i am supposed to go to school to submit the CD of my thesis. i was too cranky so i decided to read friends' blogs. then i got bored then hit the showers and i was all ready to go. i went to school and arrived almost 5. the department should be closing at 5:30. but i made it.
the cd cover i made looked like this!
front back
after the bittersweet moments of walking through the corridors of my university - the place where i used to study (stress on the tense) and practically built my world in - i went inside the chapel. i had my very own baccalaureate prayer. hehe. i just sat there and thought about what i have gone through, even in pre-school, elementary and high school, what i am going through and what i will go through. *sigh*
i then went back to UM. where, again, i usually hang out with friends. together wiht my friends, we played card for 3 and a half hours. i literally almost dropped because i was so exhausted both from thinking of my cards and standing up. i was so hungry i hadn't eaten since i woke up. the only thing in my stomach is the cold coffee i had at 3. then someone brought carbonarra. yay! haha. it was really not for me but the one who was offered it didn't like carbonarra. so i just helped myself to a really generous serving of it. i think i ate almost 3/4 of what isn't mine. haha.
casino filipino
the friends whom i was playing with, brenda and mea, were all so giddy to go already. we're going to the casino with abner and yuri. i don't play but i just go there with them. apparently, i enjoy watching their facial expression when they win or lose. i think i went with them enough to make a conclusion that when abner loses he smokes frequently on the table, eyes and shoulders drooped, all quiet and has this really serious potanginang-yan-ang-laki-ng-talo-ko-pero-babawi-ako look on his face. yuri on the other hand, is all fake-smiles and all sabi-ko-na-eh-dapat-tinaya-ko-na-yung-500-ko-eh. hay funny. but there's one common thing about these two funny gamblers: all the gamblers in table will be irritated by their banter when they're winning. haha. one will look at them wryly and the other will try make them see that they are too loud.
i played. hahahahahahahahaha. i was just watching yuri play pontoon and i immediately got the hang of it. i was betting on my mind and all my bets were just winning. so i told yuri to bet me 200 on his. i lost. i think i really have this ill luck on gambling haha. last time i bet, which was my first time, beginner's luck turned into beginner's bad luck. anyway i was not to make myself owe yuri 200 so i sat down on the table and bet 100 just to be sure. i won. then i bet 200 again and i won again. i don't exactly remember the whole thing but my highest earnings were 450. yeah yeah, it's JUST 450 but like i said, i don't gamble. anyway, yuri told me to bet my extra 50 pesos to the tie where winning is 1:10. i thought so, too. but i just let it slip away. but wuddya know, i had a double jack! fuck it! i should have won 500 from that ugly 5 P10 chips!
anyway so abner had 8 grand. yuri had 2. mea had 1. hundred hahahaha. and brenda lost 1,200.
mr. kabab and abs-cbn
we then ate at mr. kabab again. oh my god. that has to be my most satisfying meal. i only had keema and one a half rice and a yoghurt shake but i was so full! you gotta try the yoghurt shake! i'm craving for one right now. too bad i don't have a digicam to take pictures of it. boohoo.
brenda lives literally beside abs-cbn, just a kilometer away from mr. kebab. so we went to her house after. but her ex boyfriend was there so we took off right away. abner and brenda were ex's too. lol.
to marikina and antipolo.
abner decided that we should do misa de gallo - in taytay. since we have nothing to do and to worry about, yuri and i decided why not. so we did. we first went to abner's friend's house in marikina. for about thirty minutes, i was just laying there on the car seat trying to get my forty winks. i couldn't of course, my inarte body just wouldn't. after a while, abner got inside the car again, with yuri snoring at the backseat. we drove straight to antipolo city. tried to sleep again in abner's house but again to no avail. yuri of course easily dozed off. i was in one bed and the two were in another. i was just there laying trying to scare myself thinking there was just a ghost that grabbed my leg.
abner started for the bathroom while i was just there staring at the ceiling, yuri snoring. we went to krizka's house at about 3 am. imagine the length the roads between antipolo and taytay - we were in krizka's house in 7 minutes.
father and his homily
we went to san juan bautista cathedral in taytay, rizal for the simbang gabi. The cathedral was packed with people. I think that was the most attended mass i've ever been to. it was filled to the gardens and people are sprawled outside. anyway, the highlight of the mass was father's homily. it just went on and on and on and on...
after 20 minutes of going around the bushes and adding some commentaries on the social injustices that infect society, add to that the economic woes of the country during the year, he said "mga kapatid, ito ang pagnilaynilayan natin.." you can literally hear other people gasp for relief. but no. father went on, " sapagkat ang kapaskuhan ay panahon ng pagmamahalan, panahon ng paglimot sa kasalanan ng iba at..." then the crowd was quiet again. between father's patriotic speech about loving the philippines, and i think i heard him ask me if i've already fed my dog, the crowd grew restless. i think what father should understand is people in general have very short attention span, add to it the fact that it is 430 in the morning and the cathedral is packed. then we heard him say again "at mga kapatid, ito ang pagnilaynilayan natin sa araw na ito..." then everybody gasped again. but father was in his mood to talk, mind you. he just kept going. he's like the energizer bunny priest, the only thing lacking is the big drum.
by this time, the people were already talking to one another. abner, krizka and i even laughed at the choir who seem to be having their own sermon. we were trying to guess what they were speaking. according to me, one choir member said to her co-member "anong ulam niyo mamaya?" then the co-member replied "ay di ko pa alam. di pa ko namamalengke. baka pagkatapos nitong misa" the people in front of us who were also standing during the whole mass started to sit on the ground. time passed and it was already 5 am. after a few minutes, again, the priest said again " at iyan mga kapatid ang ating pagnilaynilayan natin sa araw na ito..." the people didn't mind him. "sa ngalan ng ama, ng anak..." then one amazing thing happenned.
the whole cathedral clapped their hands. the three of us were all laughing our asses off! we even forgot that we were inside the cathedral.
what's worse is, the only thing that is somehow connected to the gospel in his sermon was about two minutes after he started the sermon. everything else was just "what?!"
it's funny how all the readers and songs were hurried. the offertory was a breeze. after the communion, the three of us decided to go to the entrance of the cathedral so we won't be lost in the crowd when the mass is over.
after mass, we went back to the car to wake yuri, who was still sleeping. we went to the nearby jollibee for our 6 o'clock breakfast. then off to the tabi-tabi of the cathedral to buy bibingka.
after 40 minutes of waiting for the bibingka to cook, we went back to krizka's house. there we stayed until until 9am. abner slept, yuri slept, i watched the tv. no matter how hard i try to sleep, i just can't.
so that was what happened yesterday and today in a hurried, lengthy blog. i have no sleep. we got home at 11 and slept and woke up again at 3 and slept again until 630. damn.
i just wish i have my normal sleeping habit again. now.
ciao!
the wednesday group
so we still continued the wednesday ritual last night. with abner, jen and yuri, we flocked to G4 to see what's on. we already watched harry potter, in her shoes and prime. the choice was narrowed to king kong and kiss, kiss, bang, bang. we decided we watch king kong.
we ate at wendy's, which by the way i have ben craving for since early this week, and ordered burger and fries biggie size. it was heaven for my palate but hell for my tummy. after the meal, i rushed to the lounge only to find out that the three cubicles were occupied. darn it. then the most disgusting thing happened. "BBHOOOOT, PLOP, BBHHOOOOOT, PROOOOOOOP, PLOP"
it was like a chorale of shit. all three. a trio: a bass, a tenor and an alto. shet kung shet. after hearing (and smelling) it, my "bad feeling" suddenly went away. yay. now i had to endure a three hour movie trying not to feel the feeling anymore. i had to go back to g4 anymore.
got back, usual routine which consists of smoking, talking and virtual tennis. when we got inside the movie house, i regretted doing all that. the movie was jampacked and we had to stand and wait for a seat to be vacant. dammit.
king kong was a visual treat. jackson made sure that in all those three hours, you won't get bored and think about if you left your house door open or if you already fed your pet dog. each part of the movie was wow. there was only one time when we were at a loss. we got inside the cinema a little late so we didn't see the opening credits. and we wondered, "is this really king kong?"
those freakish natives were so disgusting. they like to bash tourist's heads for fun. gross.and they like to bathe themselves in sunlight that they all turned black. just kidding. i dunno why they were all so black. it was never explained. and their human trophies were all over the place. in the middle and the end of the movie, you think: "where are these people now?"
so king kong was supposed to paint fear in each person's faces. but he did not. i don't know but i haven't watched king kong movies before so i found him a little adorable. it's as if i want him as a pet. king kong is such a braggart he's cute. and you feel so much sympathy for him especially in the end.
i just don't understand why anne's bones were not crushed, dislocated and broken after king kong's run and many battles. imagine being hoisted up then thrown back down, they grabbed again, then suddenly shift right, then left. i was literally feeling the pain in her bones. but she doesn't seem to mind. it's may be nice to at least make her a little human. especially in the end when she has to climb the empire state building's zenith.
back to king kong. his antics were funny and half the movie, the audience were all laughing.
that shallow hal guy is still irritating. you still want to crush every part of his body for his arrogance, stupidity and.. well.. luck. if you hated him in that chick flick shallow hal, i guess you'll hate him more here. he's just the character you love to hate - MORE. he turned to be the villain in the movie, which was a surprise because i thought king kong was the villain.
brody was a little freaky though. and baldwin - a little lackluster performance. but wait, this is not a movie critique.
so anyway, king kong was a visual treat and a heart wrencher movie. haha, you just get to fall in love with an ape that in the end, you feel sorry for this big poor ape.
it was the longest time i've ever stood up for a movie. we didn't get a seat. we were standing for three hours! but it was worth it. i'll end with a quote from the movie "... and beauty killed the beast"
ciao!
to there and back
breathe.
i just came home and it's almost 3. we were all around metro manila. first, makati, then pasig, then quezon city, then back to pasig, then makati.
i guess i haven't mentioned it here but we watch a movie every wednesday. a good boys' night out. it started last month and i don't know how long it's gonna go on. anyway we watched the fog tonight.
so how was it?
it was a wreck. the movie started out good with all those scary but not so in-your-face-gory-bloody-so-scream-your-lungs-out kind of a thing. the build up was actually good. from the moment tom welling was shown on the boat up to the time when.. well... ghosts actually started appearing. i just thought it's so wrong. ghosts should be ghosts. i mean, they should not be always seen except for some special reason. so seeing ghosts for almost half of the movie isn't scary anymore. you just get used to it. the ending was very ho-hum. what's with all those reincarnating people anyway? it's just so overused.
you might want to scare yourself very much at the beginning because it's gonna be a bore from the middle to the end.
damn this is a bad critique.
we then went to the infamous mr. kebab. abner and yuri and jen all kept talking about it. i just don't know what the fuss was all about. well, when i got there, it's a quaint place. it's open air and that's plus points for us smokers. abner said that an iranian owns it. everything on the menu was so foreign to me. tell me please, what's a burnyayi?
abner was so hyped up to let me try his (and supposedly, theirs) favorite, keema. when i first saw it, it was like your usual sisig complete with calamansi. abner immediately fixed mine. he literally made the ground beef swim in this what seemed like shawarma sauce to me (looks like mayonnaise) and a little of hot sauce. the rice (which also swam in the shawarma sauce) came with butter topping which i thought was, "uh-huh, so when did iranians learn how to use butter?" anyway, i think it's good. the beef was tender and the flavors were awesome. i guess i just didn't let them know that i liked it so they were all disappointed with my reaction. haha. hello, i ate like 2 cups of rice with mashed potato as side dish, chicken steak and a large soda. i was so full! i couldn't even finish my favorite yoghurt shake. in the middle of eating (and disappointment from them haha) i really felt like barfing all over the place already. good thing it was open air so i got to smoke 2 sticks right after. haay. pig. and the best part is it's very, very affordable!
ok, i really feel writing this shit so i made up these grades.
interior - 2 stars out of five. it was a bit messy and crowded. no iranian theme at all.
staff - 3 stars. they were nice but they were a bit slow. i asked for a plastic cup and they gave me plastic bag. how nice.
food - 4 spoons. i only tried one thing. but i guess all the other are as great. i just don't think i'll try the ox's brain anytime soon.
parking - 2 stars. the place was small so parking was also small. fit for 10 cars i think.
price - 5 stars. very. very. affordable. you can do a full meal complete with yoghurt shake for just 80 pesos.
over all - 3.2 stars
haay. now i'm tired. thinking about the stars made me sleepy hehe.
ciao for now!
the amazing adventures of a bum
i have been a bum for the last week and it's already quite.. well.. bo-ring. i sleep at 4:30 and wake up at 1:30. i don't know but for some reason, i sleep late and i still get up early. as compared to before when i sleep at 4:30 i am sure that i'll wake up at 4 or later. weird.
when i wake up i smoke, fix my coffee and wash my face. ok the last one is if someone's in the house. i usually go straight to the computer and the tv. yes, both. i read my friend's blogs, check my email, find out that i'm being considered as one of the denizens in clickthecity.com (haha), try to write a blog and then find out sooner that i have nothing to write, scan the tv channels and always end up in travel and leisure, go around the house and try to clean up the mess.
the routine usually take up to an hour or so. after this, i'm completely insane. i look at the walls and figure out what color of paint suits my house. i look at the laundry and see if i can muster the sipag to launder them. then after i tell myself that i can do it, i find out there's no detergent. it's been some time (2 weeks actually) since i last told myself that i should buy detergent, chlorox, and fabric softener.
then back to the walls.
and some more walls.
walls in my room.
walls in the other room.
walls in the living room.
walls in the bathroom.
and all that shit under my dog's, honeybunch, cage.
bring out the trash...ESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS...
then back to square one.
haay... i'm trying to love it. but i don't think i can last up to three months of this. but i will learn to love it. i should.
ciao!
you think this hurt?
the day after my defense...
so what am i to do except make it better... with this...
and oh.. it didn't hurt... much...
ciao!
the culmination
i have not been posting about my thesis here. maybe it's because i don't want to preempt myself if ever i get deferred hehe. but just early this morning, i managed to get almost everything right and was able to get a grade of 2.0 for my defense. not high, not low either. but it's ok i guess. at least i'm graduating already. not to mention the 3.750 grade my professor and boss gave me.
segue:
which leads me to think: what's next? dang. do i bum around first and get my mind all hyped up for something better to come along or maybe be depressed again whenever i'm all alone in the house doing nothing? *sigh*
and by the way, i want to acknowledge mr/ms anonymous for the comment about me being manic depressive. i guess it's true, but so what? at least i don't go around reading other people's blogs and stalking them. i'm expecting some bitchface to retaliate now. but who the hell cares? i don't.
not that you care but:
i'm reading jessica zafra's book: twisted 7. she's just a smart ass and it's funny reading her stuff. i was laughing the whole time for her sarcasm and i didn't know it was already 4:30 in the morning. and that was the night before my defense. talk about getting some sleep the night before.
i've also just finished reading isabel allende's the stories of eva luna. it was good. it's actually a good reading material before you sleep because every chapter is a new story. before this though, i read like water for chocolate. good story. good characters. i just don't like the fact that it reminded me of some characters in real life that in the first place i'm trying to forget. i'm looking for the movie version on limewire but i just can't find it. damn.
next on my reading list will be the tale of genji. i've managed to start it up to the 5th chapter but i though i should read eva luna first. so i have to read it again from the first chapter because i don't exactly remember the story anymore.
characters that i loved on the books i've read:
samwise gamgee - the lord of the rings
i super loved his character. i can relate to him in numerous instances. like for example when he has to carry the ring for frodo. o well.
chiyo/sayuri - memoirs of a geisha
oh that subtle charm and festiness. i especially like the time when she was under mameha's guidance. i'm waiting for the movie and the trailer said it's to be shown on 2006 pa. darn.
frank - angela's ashes
that sad story. that sad childhood. though my childhood was very very much different from him, i cannot help but empathize with him. imagine in the first 50 pages, three of his brothers died because they were so poor. sad story. hehe. arse!
those are just three. i can't remember the others anymore. boohoo.
rewind:
i think she read it. i think she knows. i think she's thinking. i think she's still whoring. lol.
whew. i didn't think it will be this long.
ciao!
naughty, naughty
and a bit of a not-so-random thought
it just hit me. i just passed my thesis paper right on the deadline. 3pm and we were there in the marketing department. cool.
it's funny to see the different faces of people going in the department, though. some were haggard with eyebags that reach their cheeks (yep, including me), sagging faces because of the cramming the night before, out-of-bed hair, pambahay look, and jumpy, panicky personalities. i wish i had a camera to shoot at unaware theses-passers that come in the door. lol.
so. what's so naughty? i was laughing/excited/happy/anxious while im posting THIS!
it's not all about love
platonic love, that is.
it's not just because you love each other and everything may seem perfect for both of you does it mean that it is right and you end up in the altar. you love each other, yes, i get that. and don't get me wrong, love is important. it's not just all there is to it. you have to take into consideration the circumstances or the situation.
love will never stop the world from turning. it might seem to stop for both of you but things will transpire where and when they transpire. love doesn't end all conflicts. love, in fact, opens wounds that when you feel like you don't feel it anymore you can just close it. it penetrates deep inside you.
love is the answer. yes. but it's not always the answer. love can also destroy. it can destroy the relationhip you have. it can also destroy trust among friends. come to think of it, love doesn't make you choose. love should set its way to perfection. so if loving someone makes you choose between two relationships, you better start thinking. if you're losing people because of your "love", start thinking. if the world is not going for your "love", start thinking.
love, sometimes, is not enough. there are always different realities to face. love, i beg to argue, does not conquer all.
freakshow
i awoke with a faint headache as i try to familiarize myself with my room. it's the same room, the same pillows, the same blankets, the same cabinets.
the feeling of anger and loathing rushed to my mind yet again. i tried to close my eyes again, hoping when i open it, i would be myself.
i opened my eyes again, and again, looked at the familiar things around me. the feeling was not there anymore but all the vivid imagery was still lingering in my mind. i remembered i felt angry. i remembered i was almost on the verge of killing someone. i remembered i hated every inch of that person.
i tried to listen to the murmurs outside my room. a sudden charge of panic came to me.
"is she there?" i asked myself about a gazillion times as i try to regain my sanity. i courageously got up and shook myself.
"pick yourself up, bryan" i screamed on my mind.
as i was sitting, my memory went back. it was a dream. i dreamed about her, being there and confronting me. telling me all the things i have heard so many times. she was on the verge of tears. i, however, was as cold as a rock. all that my mouth could do was to do this "fuck-your-shit-and-shut-up" pout. and my eyes were burning with rage with what i'm hearing yet again; the same story, the same characters, the same plot.
"murderer..." my mind said many times as she tried to babble all the trash in her puny head.
"murderer..." my mind said as she tried to argue over an ignorant yet troublesome fact.
my mind was saying that too loudly and clearly that i thought she heard it.
she stopped and cried.
i walked over her, feeling this sudden swing of emotion. i was trying to be understanding but apathy just came crashing in and i slapped her with all the strength that was left in me.
it was the most satisfying slap i ever gave to someone.
i saw myself on the mirror and remembered i was awake. i went out the room holding the knob, trying to convince myself that she is not there.
slowly, i turned the knob and opened the door. no one was there. this witch has haunted me on my wake and now entered my dreams - nightmare. it was good that i slapped her.
random thoughts
i went out last night to abner's sister's birthday in temple bar. at the height of fun midmorning, abner's father came to our table. he was there knowing everyone on the table; trying to get all our names and our parent's names and where we come from. it just made me think: what if my papa is still alive and we were in the same situation and my friends will all be there? have i developed a special relationship with my papa that i can drink and smoke in front of him and my friends? will he be as happy as abner's dad? will he be so talkative and funny as abner's dad?
just a thought.
she
i don't know how she does it. i don't know why she does it. but whatever she's doing, she's always been the best for me. she knows the inner workings of my mind. she knows all the yearnings of my heart. she knows me inside out.
i don't know what's the deal with her being able to know everything about me despite the distance. and i don't know why for even a slightest knowledge, i know what she's going through.
they say that our navels are so connected to each other that no matter how greek i speak, she still understands. my writings are hieroglyphics but she can almost always decipher what each lines, slants, and curves mean, no matter how hazy it is for me, she has the eye of an eagle - always seeing things ever so clearly.
the distance may separate us; the barriers of the deepest, largest, and most expansive ocean, but our hearts feels like separated parts.
i don't know why i'm writing this, but just when i got out of the shower and thought about things, i realize i have the best mother.
i can still keep secrets from her, but in the end, she always knows. how do you do it? why do you do it?
sigh...
i love you mommy!
ngarag
ngarag. perfect word for the week. it's too damn stressful. thanks to my one-time-big-time thesis. haay. i must not complalin because i've been wishing for something to do for the past weeks.
note to self: be careful what i wish for. might come true 10 times.
facade. click.
interior. click.
Confession
I’ll be dead honest. I know that I have not posted here since last month. Actually, I don't have any plans anymore to post here. But certain things have happened during the past weeks that I think an entry is appropriate. All the names will be here. I will have no apologies. This post is a little random, a little messy. My thoughts seem to move faster than my fingers.
I have read my last posts. And I admit it's a desperate cry for help. Like I have said in my previous entries, I never share what I’m going through. First of all because I think it's all too private for me to divulge here. Though I know that only a few select people visit my blog, it's still hard for me to be frank and straight enough to reveal everything here.
the ball started rolling
Let me start with this. For the past month, I have fallen into the pit of depression. And it sucks to know that for the first time, it's the kind of depression that I just can't deal with. I have been depressed during these months for the past years. All those three years I can handle, but this time, I just can't. Everything seemed to have fallen out of place and I cannot control what's happening. The thought that I am graduating gave me cold feet; that finally I’m old enough to think about life after school, work and everything. And the fact that my thesis hasn't even started, which is to be submitted in a month, is not at all helping.
ojt and other routinary stuff
I love doing my ojt. It just keeps me occupied with things. But it just became too mechanical. There’s no excitement. The first weeks were exciting. But after a few weeks of waking up early, going home and doing the same thing for the next weeks torments me. I thought I just needed a touchstone where I can check what's happening outside my ojt world. And I thought I can count on Yuri for that. But every time I come home, it's either he's not home yet or he's there but busy with something else. Something else that it's worth the next paragraph. So that's what I needed.
the walk home
My depression also forced me to go to church everyday to ask for strength, courage and acceptance. And I have to admit, I have been harboring this ill feeling on why it takes too long for Him to give that to me. I have asked Him to let me cry so that I can just vent everything I’m feeling. I have asked Him to make me function properly - to not let my emotions manifest itself on the physical level. Because frankly, even my friends now have noticed that's something's going on and I hate that. I also hate the fact that some people just ask if I’m ok just to be polite - I detest that. I asked Him also to give me the peace of mind just when I’m about to sleep so that I don't have to drink 4-5 bottles a night just to numb myself and let me sleep. But my prayers were not answered and I can say that for the first time, I have questioned Him.
oh my soul
It also makes me sad that the first person who knew what I’m going through is living thousand and thousand of miles away. Thank you pres. she called me just when I was about to lose my sanity. Before she called, I broke down while doing my laundry. I told her how ironic it was that she was living thousands of miles away but she was first to hear my heart. While friends here, especially Yuri, has been busy with something else. It made me so sad but at the same time so thankful that at least my soulfriend has called me. I told everything to her. I told her how I hate what's happening to me and how I hate my life and myself for being too affected to function properly.
tid-bits
What also makes me sad is the fact that the person who noticed that I am going through something was the least person I expected to be. I am living with Yuri, yet he still wouldn't even nudge. I don't know if I’m blinded with what I’m going through but I never felt like he cared at all, and that's the truth.
Well, according to what I heard, japs told abner what little I told her about what I’m going through. When abner knew this, he was there ready to make me happy. He planned for the four of us, japs, him, Yuri and me for a drinking night. And when he knew that I still wouldn't open my mouth except when I’m drinking booze, he told us all to get dressed. He took us all to tagaytay. I never felt more touched by the gesture he made. Like what happened with pres, of all people, I never expected someone who will go out of their way to at least console me. Thankfully he did. Though I really did not feel lighter, at least it made me happy that some unexpected person went out of his way for me.
Weeks went on with the depression. At least, during these weeks, I was able to find comfort and solace with japs. I told her everything. How pissed off I am. How everything just ticks me off. I asked her to call me and she did. What happened was that I ended up talking to her mom. It was a relief because I was able to vent my frustrations with God to her. And the misery I am feeling. I told about myself questioning everything in my life right now. She did not solve my problems but what she said was really helpful. I was able to clear my mind for the next few hours and a day.
another year, another life
Last week also was my birthday. I guess I was so deep in the pit of depression that I did not notice it until my tita reminded me about it. she asked what I’m gonna do on my birthday and I just answered nothing, just work and go on with my life, without really reveling about gaining another (miserable) year in my life. I guess it was also a good thing that rr planned his despedida party to be held in my house. I just asked him one favor - not to invite Michelle. he promised and I was all go. until I came home and found Michelle sitting on my sofa. I promised myself that someone as despicable as she could and should never step inside my house. I don't know how to react. I was there, she was there. I immediately retreated to my aunt's house and there I spent quite a few minutes trying to regain control of myself again. I don't want to ruin the night for rr. and I don't want to ruin my mood on my birthday. on my house. on my turf. so I just let it slip by. no blood was shed. thankfully. no hurting words were stranded in the air. I just made my point clear. that she is not, and I think never will be welcome in my house - not today, not ever. when she went home, she kissed me on the cheek. I honestly thought I saw Judas. so now I’m left wondering - am I to be sold for a few satchels of gold and be nailed to the cross sometime this month? let's see.
Friday, the day after my birthday, I never thought it would happen. after work, abner called me up and asked what time I am going home. he said that something came up and that we should meet at Jd's house. so I went home early. and ironic as it is, abner and jen and I came home at the same time. I went up immediately just to get dressed - no washing, no baths, no toothbrush. then we went to jd's house, with abner driving and Yuri and jen at the backseat. I wondered that if the meeting was that urgent, why were we the first people there. I brushed it off and just thought they left. jd's mom asked me how my birthday went and honestly I said that it was "malungkot" I immediately regretted having said that because when jd came in, she told everyone what I said. tita was preparing the table for food when I thought it best to get a little sleep. I rested my head on the sofa and had my forty-winks. suddenly I heard the happy birthday song and it never really occurred to me that it was a surprise until I saw the cake and eka.
I was delighted, touched and happy to see friends that night. they invited a lot of people but only a handful came. that's a good thing for me since I’m really not in my socializing self. only the few, select and most trusted friends were there. and I want to take this opportunity to thank them all.
abner - for planning everything. I thought the tagaytay thing was good, but you made it better with this.
Yuri - for helping abner plan the special day for me. loved the cake too!
jd - for the place and for the good company.
tita yolly - jd's mom has got it going on! loved the food you served and love your big heart! thank you!
cheska - for all the times you didn't come to our get togethers, your presence on that day made up for it big time.
pao - though I don't see you during the times we were supposed to see each other, you still went out of you way to celebrate with me.
jen - for the cake and for the presence. but the latter seemed to have the most impact on me.
Erika - I know that going out on a night like that is hard for you. I am touched that you spent it with me and happy that you were there.
Angela - you heard almost half of what I’m going through and it's nice to see you there.
jelz - for being there with me on my day even if we really are not that close.
on that day, I got my answered prayer. I got my friends to cover me and to make me happy. although the pangs of depression still lurk inside my head and insanity is just around the corner, at least for two weeks, my life was bearable and livable.
remember, remember the first of november
earlier today, I went to the cemetery to visit my father. if not for the many people there, I would have broken into songs of lamentations and frustrations, of heartache and loneliness, of the spurts of happiness and lucidity. I was all ok that Yuri did not go with me again. I think it just not his thing. but when I came back and found him at my back while getting my things from the car telling me that he's going "somewhere" ticked me off big-time. it came to me as he was so excited to go that he can't wait for me to get home. and the fact that when I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the cemetery but turned off by his reasons for not coming, I can't help feeling pissed. he doesn't even have the slightest "pakiramdam" that he just turned me down with an excuse for not going and yet right when I come back he's going somewhere. at least have the slightest, smallest, tiniest respect for what he did. he could have waited a little longer for me to at least settle down.
I know he has his life and I have mine. I just thought he be more of a friend and a little more sensitive. I couldn't give a damn who he's meeting. (and the stuttering when I asked him where he's going doesn't really help at all.)
I am just thinking about the fact that we were able to bond together again for the last few days of vacation. and I think I can take that.
silver lining... ?
For now, I cannot say that I’m finally ok because I know I’m far from it. all I can say is that at last my head is finally floating above the waters and I can think a little clearly.
some note
And o, don’t go looking for any paragraphs about my hatred for Michelle. You won't find any. I just decided that i don't think she's even worth a word in my blog. I just mentioned her for story telling purposes.
ciao!
this long walk
i'm loving all the songs of this guy. great sounds, great lyrics.
james blunt
fun, fun night!
i've just been from a night out of booze, drugs, and sex. well. not really. just the booze stuff. i was on my way to a sure drunken state when i finally called the night off. it's almost 3 in the morning. everything has gone from wild to sober, from loud to quiet, from wide-eyed to groggy. i made my way to the taxi stand to hail my cab.
i thought to myself "this was the night of my life!"
the cab made a u-turn. and from where i'm sitting, i could see the people going out of the place with friends making sure they wouldn't stumble and puke all over the place. i saw all the buildings pass by my tired but alert eyes.
i thought to myself "there's absolutely nothing that can ruin this night!"
even if it's drizzling mid-morning. i'm hella sure nothing could possibly go wrong.
then i enter back to my quiet apartment. reality hit me hard big time. i'm back. here again. square one.
i thought to myself " yeah rrriightt! what could possibly go wrong?!"
so... what's with the drama?
the result of repressed emotions often lead to serious popping of questions in one's head. it can also lead to the feeling of loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt. worse, even, it can lead to self-pity.
getting myself into that kind of situation was an unclear-forced-choice. a choice brought about by circumstances that led me to that choice.
so why the repressed emotions?
i must admit, i am a very independent and egoistic person. so telling what i feel, expressing what i feel and saying what i feel are three things i'm not too comfortable doing. thus the poems and this blog. it takes a lot of humility and acceptance for me to do that. and honestly, there are only a select few whom i confide my problems to. mapili ako sa mga sinasabihan ko. but it doesn't mean that i don't trust the people whom i chose not to tell my problems to.
and when i do, the whole story of emotions are divided to a few people for me not to be very vulnerable. but, more often than not, it's easier to just keep it to yourself especially without the hassle of going through lengths and lengths of explanation and rewinding - causing me to remember the pangs of the emotions again.
like i said in my previous blog, it has always been a vicious cycle; a cycle of paranoia, loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt.
and.. what's killing me?
family. i think for the first time in three years, i miss my family.
school. thesis has to be done before december 10.
career. what's next after graduation? what do i do? where do i go? i never wanna say in the future " this isn't where i wanted to be..."
self. who am i really? i don't even fully know who i am.
add to that the matters of the heart and i assure you, going haywire is not a far fetched reality.
buti nalang, nakaya ko. kaya ko pa. at kakayanin ko pa.
these damn voices
a safeguard commercial
" lalayo na ako. please, huwag ka munang makulit."
" wait, eh pano mo naman gagawin yan?"
" basta, bahala na. i think i've come to a realization na. lalayo ako."
" ha? eh di ba may nararamdaman ka pa?"
" hindi na importante yun."
" disidido ka na ba talaga?"
" hinde."
" so ipagpapatuloy mo?"
" hinde."
may lumapit.
" sandali lang. palapit na siya!"
" ..."
" o kumusta ka naman?"
" hindi ok. nahihirapan ako. pero kaya ko to... sa tingin ko..."
" (gulat) Hala! ano nang gagawin mo?!?!"
" tatakbo...."
" dalian mo!"
" (patakbo... pero nahinto) HINDI KO KAYA!"
" sabi sa yo eh... o ano na nangyari?"
" hindi ako makagalaw, eh."
a cumbersome weekend
very early this morning, i got a wake up call from my stepdad (yeah, i did not think that i would call him that, but it's the reality). he told me that mommy has already wired the money and that i should get it asap.
i was in my groggy self so i just tried grab my phone and save the details on how to get it. he then asked me when is the exact date of my graduation. i have just enough wits to say that it's on january 28th of next year. well, that is if the planner given out by our school paper was correct.
then, during the lucid intervals i had during the phone conversation, it hit me. reality, that is.
i am graduating. and for a minute i thought i was dreaming when he finally said that mommy's coming home for sure. but the bigger plan is that the four of them will go here and go to dumaguete after for a vacation.
i did not know what to feel. as insane as it might sound, even when i'm half asleep, my feet got cold. what am i supposed to do when i meet mommy? it's just been four years when i last saw my mother, but a lot has changed. i was not the same person as i was when i graduated from highschool. my friend, tootsie, can attest to that when she told me during one of our night outs, that i had changed. that i was already not the bryan she knew back then. she said that "mayabang daw ang dating ko." maybe it's true. but my aloofness and rigidness can sometimes be misconstrued as yabang. and it's not intended at all. but still, i have changed.
yes i am not the bubbly bryan you once knew. like i said, things have made me this way. my once dreamer self has now been a cynic. my once always happy self has now been an expression-less poker-face. it's not that i am sad or anything whatsoever. the point is, i have changed.
and it's this change that bothers me when i finally get to meet my family. it's also the change in my life after i graduate. after almost 19 years of studying, i will be part of the workforce and hopefully not the discontented, non-working, well-educated public.
i was still in a bothered state when i put the phone down. i tried to go back to sleep but these thoughts would just play in my head.
after quite a few minutes, serenity finally befell on my troubled head. i just thought about how fun it's gonna be when i finally go to dumaguete after a while. how fun it might be, when i finally see the physical changes on my sister's and brother's faces. how fun it might be when i get to say to my mother that all her and my father's hard work has finally paid off.
maybe.
then i went back to sleep again and woke up 2pm.
this is one of the ugliest tombstones i have ever seen.
ssshhh!
mga mensahe para sayo
isa ko sa mga laging nasasabihan ng mga sikreto. sa dami nga, minsan napagpapalit-palit ko ang mga mukhang may tangan na sikreto sa kanilang sikreto. pero mas madalas ay nalilimutan ko rin. marahil kaya rin nila sinasabi sakin ay sa dahilang madali akong makalimot ng mga sikreto at mas makakabuti sa kanila ang maihinga muna ang kanilang mga sama ng loob o ang kanilang mga pinakatatagong sikreto.
ngunit anong gagawin mo pag nakaalam ka ng isang bagay na hindi mo dapat malaman? nang hindi mo sinasadya? madali sana saking itago nalang sa akin ito ngunit paano kung masyado itong mabigat para lamang sa isang tao?
sa panahong ito, kailangan ko ng isang taong papayag na makibahagi sa kabigatan ng loob ko. at mas malaki ang hihingin kong kapalit na katahimikan at pagtitikom sa panahong sabihin ko ang aking nalalalaman. hindi naman ito sa ika-sisira nino man o sa ikasasama ng aking sarili. mahirap lang tlagang magtago.
para sayo:
akala ko ba ako ang iyong takbuhan? kala ko lang naman. katulad naman ng mga nasabi ko sa mga unang entry ko, ayoko na ma-expect. sadyang nakaka-panghina lang ng loob kapag hindi ito natupad. kaya steady lang ako. pag kay juan, kay juan.
para sayo:
hindi ko alam kung kaya pa kitang tanggapin. matagal ko nang naiisip dati kung kaya ko pa. hindi ko alam. isa lang ang alam ko: na ako ay magiging bahagi na lamang ng iyong nakaraan.
para sayo:
hindi ko alam kung talagang tugma ang itlog sa lugaw, ang dinuguan sa puto. pero isa lang ang alam ko. gaano man ka-labo ang pagkahalo, alam kong masarap pa rin.
para sayo:
kelan kita ulit masusulyapan? kelan kita muling mayayakap? kelan kita muling mahahalikan? kailan ko muling mararamdaman ang galak?
para sayo (ulit):
hindi kita kayang iwan eh. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ba ganun. hindi ko rin alam kung makakaya kong lumayo na lamang at manood. hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit ganito ako sayo, pilit ka pa ring ganyan? siguro nakatadhana na ang ganitong buhay ko. magulo. ewan.
concert, ginintuang beer, nakalimutang labahin at iba pa
isa na namang boring update!
linggo nanaman. ang saya. dapat kahapon maglalaba ako pero di ko nagawa kasi may compli tickets ako sa concert nila nyoy, kyla and regine na sponsored ng smart. ngayon, maglalaba ako pagbalik ko. sana lang matuyo para bukas may maisuot ako...
medyo masaya ang concert. kasi nakapagpasaya ako ng kaibigan dahil hindi niya pa nakikita si regine na kumanta. at kagabi ay halos matae siya sa kasisigaw ng pangalan nito ng lumabas siya sa stage.
nainis lang ako kasi parang ang pa special ni regine. talagang kung ano lang ang sinabing kantahin niya, yun lang ang kinanta niya. hindi siya kumanta nung lahat sila ay dapat nang kumanta. pero ayos naman kasi siya ang kumanta at hindi ang madla ang pinakanta niya. ganun pa rin siya. birit to the max habang nakaupo. hanep!
at si nyoy.
ganun pa rin. ang landi pa rin ng boses - in a very very good way. galeng!
bago kami pumunta dun kumain pa kami. pero ako lang ang kumain kasi katatapos lang ni japs kumain. at san pa kundi sa northpark. kung nag mcdo nalang ako siguro nabusog pa ako at hindi masyadong nasunog ang bulsa ko. hay.
forward ulit. tapos ng concert, pumunta kami sa manila pen para tumambay. dapat sa bar kami tatambay. pero kumusta naman, 12 pa lang sarado na ang mga bar. ibang klase! so sa lobby kami tumambay. at umorder. ng ginintuang san mig light na worth 150! presyong hotel talaga! buti nalang mabait ang isa sa mga waiters at kinausap na rin kami. kwento niya si imelda at ang kanyang mga alipores na twice a week nasa manila pen. kwento niya ang mga dirty politicians na mistulang mulawin sa kaka-akbay sa mga babaeng magkabilaan. kwento niya ang mga homosekswal na couples - mga mayayamang homosekswal na couples. kwento niya ang mga mayayamang nakikipag sosyalan doon. at kami. dalawang kaluluwang naliligaw sa grandioso at elitistang lugar. pang ibang lebel na kami! wahehehehe...
hindi ko alam kung ang beer ba mismo o ang presyo nito o ang sadyan pagkaantok ko at medyo tipsy na ako pagkatapos lang ng isang bote. siguro sadyang nakalalasing ang lugar.
charged sa room ang toma! hehehehe!
ngayon. pupunta ako ng school para suportahan ang mga kukuha ng bar exam. last sunday na kasi nila ito at kailangan daw kami nandun. whatever. pero tapos nun, punta ako ng cartimar para bumili ng sapatos that will last me another 8-9 months. gusto ko chucks. gusto ng bulsa ko japeks ulit. tignan nalang natin mamaya.
ay, bago pala ako umalis, gusto ko lang sabihin na ang labo ng panahon men! ngayon sobrang lakas ng ulan. at maya maya lang, naghuhumindik ang araw sa pagsikat. totoo pala yung sinasabi nilang "weather weather lang yan!" bukas kaya nasan na ko?
nga pala, natanggal si jb sa pbb. yes! buti nga!
sige. pero lagi kong nilalalagay dito sa bawat pagtapos ng entry ko ang salitang "ciao"
nag filipino ako ngayon. pano ang ciao sa filipino?
kaen!
so what?
what i have inside my drawers:
no cable. no phone. (and soon no internet) no pay.
i feel like everything is going against me now. yesterday, while watching a tv show, my cable was disconnected. my pc was infected with spyware and adware. good thing i can still blog - for now. i can't open my hotmail, yahoo and google accounts. i have a ton of workload for my OJT and no pay. i have to walk the whole length of ayala avenue everyday after work. my only consolation is that i always think that i'm in new york. yeah right. that's what i think, too. my phone cannot load anymore because it is now inactive since three months ago.
i'm really running out of stash. i didn't pay the first installment of my tuition because i don't know when my next allowance's gonna be. i think that was a good decision.
cable and internet is for 4 months already = P5,000 (cable 450, net 800)
phone reconnection fee = P550
the work began
yep the OJT work began last tuesday. hectic, depressing (kasi walang sweldo!), fun, enjoyable, exhausting, tiring, and everything put into one.
good thing my group mates and i got along with the staff pretty well. too well, in fact, we placed someone's picture on the cubicle of one of our bosses! haha laughtrip sobra!
but when the work begins, the work really begins.
AND (this might sound pathetic) there's nescafe vendo on our pantry haha! and someone cleans up our used utensils and mugs. we can just leave it there. of course syempre kailangan lubusin dahil walang sweldo. yabang ng smart eh.
yep smart. we train in smart communications inc.
haayyy...
ciao!
nang kita'y aking laruin
nais kitang ikubli sa aking munting mga kamay
ngunit sadyang nagpupumiglas ang diwa mong ma
ha rot
sa mumunting mga daliri, ika'y naglalaro
bawat s.u.l.o.k. ng kuko, iyong tinatalunan^
sa
m
a
l
a
l
a
l
i
m
na bahagi'y ika'y h u m i h i g a
bawat pag - a g o s ng balat, iyong k i n a k a n t a
ang himig mo'y nangungurot, sa aking m a h a h a b a n g ugat
lahat iya'y sa bawat munting
e
s pas yo ng aking munting kamay
pati diwa ko'y nagalak sa naramadaman kong mga kiliti
ngunit
kung ako'y magbabalik tanaw, ibig ko sana'y ikaw lamang ay paglaruan
bloody hell. rather, phlegmatic hell...
yeah yeah. laugh your asses off. it's quite ugly. yuri said it was ok. i guess not.
the carrot, egg and coffee bean
thought i might share this.
A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee...
Youwill never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.
A young woman wentto her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up.She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, "tell me, what do you see?""Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, "what does itmean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity... Boiling water.
Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.
"Which are you?" She asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
Think of this: which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or someother trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.
When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are theirgreatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handlea dversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
