naughty naughty

naughty, naughty
and a bit of a not-so-random thought

it just hit me. i just passed my thesis paper right on the deadline. 3pm and we were there in the marketing department. cool.

it's funny to see the different faces of people going in the department, though. some were haggard with eyebags that reach their cheeks (yep, including me), sagging faces because of the cramming the night before, out-of-bed hair, pambahay look, and jumpy, panicky personalities. i wish i had a camera to shoot at unaware theses-passers that come in the door. lol.

so. what's so naughty? i was laughing/excited/happy/anxious while im posting THIS!

its not all about love

it's not all about love

platonic love, that is.

it's not just because you love each other and everything may seem perfect for both of you does it mean that it is right and you end up in the altar. you love each other, yes, i get that. and don't get me wrong, love is important. it's not just all there is to it. you have to take into consideration the circumstances or the situation.

love will never stop the world from turning. it might seem to stop for both of you but things will transpire where and when they transpire. love doesn't end all conflicts. love, in fact, opens wounds that when you feel like you don't feel it anymore you can just close it. it penetrates deep inside you.

love is the answer. yes. but it's not always the answer. love can also destroy. it can destroy the relationhip you have. it can also destroy trust among friends. come to think of it, love doesn't make you choose. love should set its way to perfection. so if loving someone makes you choose between two relationships, you better start thinking. if you're losing people because of your "love", start thinking. if the world is not going for your "love", start thinking.

love, sometimes, is not enough. there are always different realities to face. love, i beg to argue, does not conquer all.

opposing comments, violent reactions and just plain messages are always welcome.

freakshow

freakshow

i awoke with a faint headache as i try to familiarize myself with my room. it's the same room, the same pillows, the same blankets, the same cabinets.
the feeling of anger and loathing rushed to my mind yet again. i tried to close my eyes again, hoping when i open it, i would be myself.
i opened my eyes again, and again, looked at the familiar things around me. the feeling was not there anymore but all the vivid imagery was still lingering in my mind. i remembered i felt angry. i remembered i was almost on the verge of killing someone. i remembered i hated every inch of that person.
i tried to listen to the murmurs outside my room. a sudden charge of panic came to me.

"is she there?" i asked myself about a gazillion times as i try to regain my sanity. i courageously got up and shook myself.

"pick yourself up, bryan" i screamed on my mind.

as i was sitting, my memory went back. it was a dream. i dreamed about her, being there and confronting me. telling me all the things i have heard so many times. she was on the verge of tears. i, however, was as cold as a rock. all that my mouth could do was to do this "fuck-your-shit-and-shut-up" pout. and my eyes were burning with rage with what i'm hearing yet again; the same story, the same characters, the same plot.

"murderer..." my mind said many times as she tried to babble all the trash in her puny head.

"murderer..." my mind said as she tried to argue over an ignorant yet troublesome fact.

my mind was saying that too loudly and clearly that i thought she heard it.
she stopped and cried.
i walked over her, feeling this sudden swing of emotion. i was trying to be understanding but apathy just came crashing in and i slapped her with all the strength that was left in me.
it was the most satisfying slap i ever gave to someone.

i saw myself on the mirror and remembered i was awake. i went out the room holding the knob, trying to convince myself that she is not there.
slowly, i turned the knob and opened the door. no one was there. this witch has haunted me on my wake and now entered my dreams - nightmare. it was good that i slapped her.

random thoughts

random thoughts

i went out last night to abner's sister's birthday in temple bar. at the height of fun midmorning, abner's father came to our table. he was there knowing everyone on the table; trying to get all our names and our parent's names and where we come from. it just made me think: what if my papa is still alive and we were in the same situation and my friends will all be there? have i developed a special relationship with my papa that i can drink and smoke in front of him and my friends? will he be as happy as abner's dad? will he be so talkative and funny as abner's dad?
just a thought.

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bakit ba kung kelan mo gustong gusto nang lumayo, tsaka may lalapit at magiging maganda ulit ang mga araw? matagal kong pinagdadasal na bigyan ako ng nasa itaas ng lakas para gumawa naman ng buhay para sa aking sarili. at ngayong sa tingin kong kaya ko na, bakit parang pilit na bumabalik ang kahapon at lagi akong kinukulit at kinukumbinsing mas maganda ang kahapon? haay. nakakapagod nang mag isip.

she

she

i don't know how she does it. i don't know why she does it. but whatever she's doing, she's always been the best for me. she knows the inner workings of my mind. she knows all the yearnings of my heart. she knows me inside out.
i don't know what's the deal with her being able to know everything about me despite the distance. and i don't know why for even a slightest knowledge, i know what she's going through.
they say that our navels are so connected to each other that no matter how greek i speak, she still understands. my writings are hieroglyphics but she can almost always decipher what each lines, slants, and curves mean, no matter how hazy it is for me, she has the eye of an eagle - always seeing things ever so clearly.
the distance may separate us; the barriers of the deepest, largest, and most expansive ocean, but our hearts feels like separated parts.

i don't know why i'm writing this, but just when i got out of the shower and thought about things, i realize i have the best mother.

i can still keep secrets from her, but in the end, she always knows. how do you do it? why do you do it?

sigh...

i love you mommy!

ngarag

ngarag

ngarag. perfect word for the week. it's too damn stressful. thanks to my one-time-big-time thesis. haay. i must not complalin because i've been wishing for something to do for the past weeks.

note to self: be careful what i wish for. might come true 10 times.

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anyway, rr left for the US last week. i haven't been posting here because i don't have internet. i just made this post on my notepad so that if ever a "miracle connection" takes place, i can at least update my blog. i just hope rr's ok there. AND not really fattening himself up too much. haha. i miss him. we all do.

hey r, if ever you're reading this, enjoy your life there! don't worry about the things you left here, it's gonna be fine. at least for me. and i'm happy that you left on a very happy note ;) (clue: TMHG) bwahahahaha. my god, i will never forget my uber tense moments in your house on your last night here. tama ba namang awayin MO si yuri? haha. di naman. di natin siya inaway no. hehe.

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and o. i gotta hate those augustinians in the US. they are always the first to know. dang. have i been to enclosed in my shell that the latest chismis goes to pres' ears first, who by the way lives millions and millions of miles away from me (ngeee.... nasa moon na siya nun eh.) than mine? unfair. hehe. so, ladies and gentlemen of the CSA republic. feast your eyes on this. so unfair hehe.

facade. click.interior. click.

be envious. be VERY envious.

ciao!

confession

Confession

I’ll be dead honest. I know that I have not posted here since last month. Actually, I don't have any plans anymore to post here. But certain things have happened during the past weeks that I think an entry is appropriate. All the names will be here. I will have no apologies. This post is a little random, a little messy. My thoughts seem to move faster than my fingers.

I have read my last posts. And I admit it's a desperate cry for help. Like I have said in my previous entries, I never share what I’m going through. First of all because I think it's all too private for me to divulge here. Though I know that only a few select people visit my blog, it's still hard for me to be frank and straight enough to reveal everything here.

the ball started rolling

Let me start with this. For the past month, I have fallen into the pit of depression. And it sucks to know that for the first time, it's the kind of depression that I just can't deal with. I have been depressed during these months for the past years. All those three years I can handle, but this time, I just can't. Everything seemed to have fallen out of place and I cannot control what's happening. The thought that I am graduating gave me cold feet; that finally I’m old enough to think about life after school, work and everything. And the fact that my thesis hasn't even started, which is to be submitted in a month, is not at all helping.

ojt and other routinary stuff

I love doing my ojt. It just keeps me occupied with things. But it just became too mechanical. There’s no excitement. The first weeks were exciting. But after a few weeks of waking up early, going home and doing the same thing for the next weeks torments me. I thought I just needed a touchstone where I can check what's happening outside my ojt world. And I thought I can count on Yuri for that. But every time I come home, it's either he's not home yet or he's there but busy with something else. Something else that it's worth the next paragraph. So that's what I needed.

the walk home

My depression also forced me to go to church everyday to ask for strength, courage and acceptance. And I have to admit, I have been harboring this ill feeling on why it takes too long for Him to give that to me. I have asked Him to let me cry so that I can just vent everything I’m feeling. I have asked Him to make me function properly - to not let my emotions manifest itself on the physical level. Because frankly, even my friends now have noticed that's something's going on and I hate that. I also hate the fact that some people just ask if I’m ok just to be polite - I detest that. I asked Him also to give me the peace of mind just when I’m about to sleep so that I don't have to drink 4-5 bottles a night just to numb myself and let me sleep. But my prayers were not answered and I can say that for the first time, I have questioned Him.

oh my soul

It also makes me sad that the first person who knew what I’m going through is living thousand and thousand of miles away. Thank you pres. she called me just when I was about to lose my sanity. Before she called, I broke down while doing my laundry. I told her how ironic it was that she was living thousands of miles away but she was first to hear my heart. While friends here, especially Yuri, has been busy with something else. It made me so sad but at the same time so thankful that at least my soulfriend has called me. I told everything to her. I told her how I hate what's happening to me and how I hate my life and myself for being too affected to function properly.

tid-bits

What also makes me sad is the fact that the person who noticed that I am going through something was the least person I expected to be. I am living with Yuri, yet he still wouldn't even nudge. I don't know if I’m blinded with what I’m going through but I never felt like he cared at all, and that's the truth.
Well, according to what I heard, japs told abner what little I told her about what I’m going through. When abner knew this, he was there ready to make me happy. He planned for the four of us, japs, him, Yuri and me for a drinking night. And when he knew that I still wouldn't open my mouth except when I’m drinking booze, he told us all to get dressed. He took us all to tagaytay. I never felt more touched by the gesture he made. Like what happened with pres, of all people, I never expected someone who will go out of their way to at least console me. Thankfully he did. Though I really did not feel lighter, at least it made me happy that some unexpected person went out of his way for me.

Weeks went on with the depression. At least, during these weeks, I was able to find comfort and solace with japs. I told her everything. How pissed off I am. How everything just ticks me off. I asked her to call me and she did. What happened was that I ended up talking to her mom. It was a relief because I was able to vent my frustrations with God to her. And the misery I am feeling. I told about myself questioning everything in my life right now. She did not solve my problems but what she said was really helpful. I was able to clear my mind for the next few hours and a day.

another year, another life

Last week also was my birthday. I guess I was so deep in the pit of depression that I did not notice it until my tita reminded me about it. she asked what I’m gonna do on my birthday and I just answered nothing, just work and go on with my life, without really reveling about gaining another (miserable) year in my life. I guess it was also a good thing that rr planned his despedida party to be held in my house. I just asked him one favor - not to invite Michelle. he promised and I was all go. until I came home and found Michelle sitting on my sofa. I promised myself that someone as despicable as she could and should never step inside my house. I don't know how to react. I was there, she was there. I immediately retreated to my aunt's house and there I spent quite a few minutes trying to regain control of myself again. I don't want to ruin the night for rr. and I don't want to ruin my mood on my birthday. on my house. on my turf. so I just let it slip by. no blood was shed. thankfully. no hurting words were stranded in the air. I just made my point clear. that she is not, and I think never will be welcome in my house - not today, not ever. when she went home, she kissed me on the cheek. I honestly thought I saw Judas. so now I’m left wondering - am I to be sold for a few satchels of gold and be nailed to the cross sometime this month? let's see.

Friday, the day after my birthday, I never thought it would happen. after work, abner called me up and asked what time I am going home. he said that something came up and that we should meet at Jd's house. so I went home early. and ironic as it is, abner and jen and I came home at the same time. I went up immediately just to get dressed - no washing, no baths, no toothbrush. then we went to jd's house, with abner driving and Yuri and jen at the backseat. I wondered that if the meeting was that urgent, why were we the first people there. I brushed it off and just thought they left. jd's mom asked me how my birthday went and honestly I said that it was "malungkot" I immediately regretted having said that because when jd came in, she told everyone what I said. tita was preparing the table for food when I thought it best to get a little sleep. I rested my head on the sofa and had my forty-winks. suddenly I heard the happy birthday song and it never really occurred to me that it was a surprise until I saw the cake and eka.

I was delighted, touched and happy to see friends that night. they invited a lot of people but only a handful came. that's a good thing for me since I’m really not in my socializing self. only the few, select and most trusted friends were there. and I want to take this opportunity to thank them all.

abner - for planning everything. I thought the tagaytay thing was good, but you made it better with this.
Yuri - for helping abner plan the special day for me. loved the cake too!
jd - for the place and for the good company.
tita yolly - jd's mom has got it going on! loved the food you served and love your big heart! thank you!
cheska - for all the times you didn't come to our get togethers, your presence on that day made up for it big time.
pao - though I don't see you during the times we were supposed to see each other, you still went out of you way to celebrate with me.
jen - for the cake and for the presence. but the latter seemed to have the most impact on me.
Erika - I know that going out on a night like that is hard for you. I am touched that you spent it with me and happy that you were there.
Angela - you heard almost half of what I’m going through and it's nice to see you there.
jelz - for being there with me on my day even if we really are not that close.

on that day, I got my answered prayer. I got my friends to cover me and to make me happy. although the pangs of depression still lurk inside my head and insanity is just around the corner, at least for two weeks, my life was bearable and livable.

remember, remember the first of november

earlier today, I went to the cemetery to visit my father. if not for the many people there, I would have broken into songs of lamentations and frustrations, of heartache and loneliness, of the spurts of happiness and lucidity. I was all ok that Yuri did not go with me again. I think it just not his thing. but when I came back and found him at my back while getting my things from the car telling me that he's going "somewhere" ticked me off big-time. it came to me as he was so excited to go that he can't wait for me to get home. and the fact that when I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the cemetery but turned off by his reasons for not coming, I can't help feeling pissed. he doesn't even have the slightest "pakiramdam" that he just turned me down with an excuse for not going and yet right when I come back he's going somewhere. at least have the slightest, smallest, tiniest respect for what he did. he could have waited a little longer for me to at least settle down.
I know he has his life and I have mine. I just thought he be more of a friend and a little more sensitive. I couldn't give a damn who he's meeting. (and the stuttering when I asked him where he's going doesn't really help at all.)
I am just thinking about the fact that we were able to bond together again for the last few days of vacation. and I think I can take that.

silver lining... ?

For now, I cannot say that I’m finally ok because I know I’m far from it. all I can say is that at last my head is finally floating above the waters and I can think a little clearly.

some note

And o, don’t go looking for any paragraphs about my hatred for Michelle. You won't find any. I just decided that i don't think she's even worth a word in my blog. I just mentioned her for story telling purposes.

ciao!