palaisipan

Sana hindi ako mapagod.

Just another letting off steam

How can I tell you the many things I feel without scaring you away --

Like how much I wanna take care of you even if you don't say it, don't show it, or agree with it?

Like how much I just wanna hold your hand and keep it there until sweat runs through each fingers?

Like how badly I want to hug you even when it embarrasses you?

Like how I spent my waking solitary moments thinking of what to text you, just so I can talk to you even for a while longer?

Like how many times a day I try calling you and end up not doing so because I don't want you to feel as if I'm bordering obsessed?

Like how often I find myself thinking about asking you to just stay at my place so I can see you everyday but at the same time knowing that there's a possibility that like these things I mentioned, it might scare you away?

Like how confused I am lately I don't know whether to follow my own instinct of just sticking it out with and for you, or follow my friend's advice of just forgetting about it and move on to the next?

Like how writing and posting this is the only avenue for me to get this off my chest because I'm afraid that if I say these all to you, or even in small doses, you'll think I'm a freak and that I'll scare you away and that you'll run?

SIGH.

walking

interestingly enough, your hand fits perfectly into mine.

5, 4, 3, 2...

That moment when you start running fast while making up, rather, convincing your mind that you are actually about to jump off a cliff - never mind the tall grass that pierces your legs, or the once-in-a-lifetime blooming of an unusual flower, or the pebbles that punctures the soles of your feet; the only thing you hear is the beating of your own heart like the heavy footsteps of a running giant and the wind ringing inside your ears, like cymbals that have just been beaten -- that's when you've decided, in between the buzz of a fly and the falling of the autumn leaf that you are, in fact, as the fog gives way and the rays of the sun beaming on the edge, ready to jump - about to jump - in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Baaaah.

That moment when the phone beeps and you want it to be from the person you want it to be and you brush off the thought to spare yourself a moment of both excitement and anxiety and you see the phone and it really is from the person you wanted to hear from the most.

nighttime

what has become of me? in the light of recent events, what has it (not knowing exactly what "it" is) molded me into?

it's like the silent and careful fluttering of a small butterfly hovering on a lonely flower in the middle of green fields on a hot midday sun. the early morning dew has evaporated from the earth and gives off a solid, pungent smell. quietly, a mirage is forming in the distance as the soil dries up fast. what is the vision? is it a sea? a pond? a lagoon?

yet, the small butterfly, not knowing where else to go, gently settles on the flower and dutifully sucks up its sweet nectar.

Seed

So begins the sprouting of a seed that was lain, watered, nurtured, and let out in the sun. Not hopefully one day its vines slowly and surely creep up the very same spade that was used to dig its soil. Not hopefully one day it constricts its own roots and kills the very source of its own life.

nip/tuck

Imperfect.

Eyes too high. Nose misaligned. Lips are thick. Chin too small.

Emotional instability, insecurities, fears, self doubt not included.

How's your imperfection?

undone

I'm totally clueless as to what I'm doing. Work bores me. The idea of training does not bring that much excitement as before. I do, however, enjoy it while I'm in it.

I'm uninspired. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to take pictures. I'd like to immerse myself in art, in literature, in music, in movies but there's nothing inside me that pushes me the same way as before.

Maraming araw at gabi na rin ang lumipas na gusto kong gumawa ng bagay na ikagugulat kahit ng sarili ko. Pero parati ko na lang piniling magbasa na lang sa kama at itulog ang panandaliang pagpukaw ng loob.

Kailangan ko yata ng bagong mga kaibigan na mapagshe-share-an ko ng mga bagong gawain.

O baka kailangan ko lang ng love life.

Baka.

Pero, sabi ko nga, di ko alam ang ginagawa ko.

In other news...

... you're exclusively dating someone na pala. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!