so whats with the drama

so... what's with the drama?

the result of repressed emotions often lead to serious popping of questions in one's head. it can also lead to the feeling of loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt. worse, even, it can lead to self-pity.

getting myself into that kind of situation was an unclear-forced-choice. a choice brought about by circumstances that led me to that choice.

so why the repressed emotions?

i must admit, i am a very independent and egoistic person. so telling what i feel, expressing what i feel and saying what i feel are three things i'm not too comfortable doing. thus the poems and this blog. it takes a lot of humility and acceptance for me to do that. and honestly, there are only a select few whom i confide my problems to. mapili ako sa mga sinasabihan ko. but it doesn't mean that i don't trust the people whom i chose not to tell my problems to.
and when i do, the whole story of emotions are divided to a few people for me not to be very vulnerable. but, more often than not, it's easier to just keep it to yourself especially without the hassle of going through lengths and lengths of explanation and rewinding - causing me to remember the pangs of the emotions again.

like i said in my previous blog, it has always been a vicious cycle; a cycle of paranoia, loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt.

and.. what's killing me?

family. i think for the first time in three years, i miss my family.
school. thesis has to be done before december 10.
career. what's next after graduation? what do i do? where do i go? i never wanna say in the future " this isn't where i wanted to be..."
self. who am i really? i don't even fully know who i am.
add to that the matters of the heart and i assure you, going haywire is not a far fetched reality.

buti nalang, nakaya ko. kaya ko pa. at kakayanin ko pa.

pero konti nalng mapupuno na ang salop.