advice giver, advice seeker

i thought of not continuing in posting this because the conversation is a little too private. but my friend told me that i should push through with it. which i gladly obliged.

anyway, backgrounder: my friend was depressed for a little while now. we exchange IM's once in a while to unload some pent up emotions. i asked my friend the reason for his/her anger and told him/her to just let it out. which he/she did. turned out to be one of the best conversations i had in years.

** this is taken straight from the window and i had little patience editing it :) **

thought bubble: i just hope i can take my own advice. it's so easy for me to share advices when, sometimes, i can't even do it. :-(

(his/her text in red)

well i hate Him for taking my dad. i hate Him for making my life like this. i hate him for not giving me a chance to say sorry and make up my mistakes sa dad ko. i hate him dahil yung mga plans nya is bullshit.
sabi nila may purpose sa bawat galaw nya, wala akong nkikitang purpose.

i hate him for making a perfect relationship fail. i hate her for cheating on me. i hate her for still loving me even though she's with someone else now. i hate her bcoz she cant move on. i hate her kasi pinaglaban ko sya sa buong pamilya ko.. sinaktan ko tatay ko, nirisk ko yung relationship namin ng dad ko for her and this is what i get?
i hate myself for doing every stupid thing i did. i hate myself for not having a good relationship with my dad who gave me everything.

AND I HATE THE FACT THAT I CANT TURN BACK TIME AND DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY ALL OVER AGAIN.
IM LOSING IT BRY.

di kona kya.. gsto ko ng pumutok... ayoko na


He took your dad because his mission is done

no! what mission???

He took your dad because he loves him and he doesn't want him to get hurt by the world anymore. his mission is to be a good father, a good provider, a good person. he did everything he can to be that.

no bry.. u know himdi tottoo yan...

he might lack some things that others cannot understand. but we are all humans. humans are doomed for mistakes. but the good thing about it is he was able to do good things to make up for it.

i spent my whole life w/o my father by my side. alam mo yan. he only gave me a year to be with him. and that year was even rough for us.

every father has to do the things he thinks he can to provide best for his family.

hindi lng kasi yung pag pprovide ang kailngan ko eh! lagi nman yan ang cnasabi sa akin bry

and he also believed that you'd turn out to be a better person, and we all appreciate that. because in his heart, he only wants everyone around him especially his family to be well taken care of.

di pa nya ako inantay kahit sa ICU lng bry,,, just for me to talk to him while he was breathing

love can be demonstrated in many ways. love can be spending time. love can be providing things. love can be many things.
he believed that love he gave for your family. his spirit wanted to say goodbye to you but his body failed him

no bry..

and as much as he would want to make his body better, it would only be difficult for him

people who are dying can wait.. they control everything

because if he says goodbye forever, it will only break him more

if they wanna go they will..

he loves you that much. he saw that you were decided to make a better life for yourself. and that was his dream for you - to be responsible and to learn how to take care of yourself. the mind may be thinking of another thing but humans are contained in their bodies. no matter what others say, we could only go so far as our physical bodies will permit us.

bry, ayaw ba nya ako makita magtapos? ayaw ba nya akong mkita ikasal ako? ayaw ba nyang makita what i'll be in 10 yrs?

he wanted to so much. and he will. and he will be forever happy if he sees you happy, too. your father left you when you were headstrong to become fully responsible and mature. and i believe you would not fail him.
saying goodbye is awful. saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do especially knowing that that is the last goodbye you'll ever say. but in this life, we have to say goodbye.
your father is happy where he is now. i think that is the last lesson he wants to teach you - and that is learning how to let go. let go of the material things that hold you back. let go of the friendships that you lost. let go of the situations that have hurt you. let go of the many things that causes you pain. let go of the people you love.
because it is only in letting go that you are given the chance and the power to finally say goodbye and start anew. it is in letting go that you truly demonstrate your love to that person that you wouldn't hold the person back.

it is in letting go that makes you stronger than you are. holding on to history holds us back because we all know that life goes on. if you're holding back, you're holding back the time that can give you the opportunity to be happy, to be content, to love, to be loved, and to be at peace with what happened.

i want to cry so hard. but i just can't

like i said, it's hard.

i dont wna say na "yeah ok.. i forgive them, ill move on. ill let go" when the truth is, i dont. i wont

yes that is the reality. you have to give it time. you just have to. but as they say, time heals all wounds

how long will it take??

nobody can say

pagod na pgod na ako bry

maybe until you are strong enough, then thats how long it is

panu ka nakamove on kay tito??

honestly, i dont know too. but i know it took a lot of prayers. i was never the perfect son kaya nahirapan din ako. in fact, nag away pa kami on that fateful day. buti have to forgive myself and give it time.

i cnt pray bry yun nga masakit nun bry eh. we were not in good terms when he left. i feel everythings a karma. i think he took him bcoz of me. maybe to realize things; to realize how important he is in my life.. for me to learn how to live w/o him.
i feel so guilty

do you think god really hurts people to learn their lesson?!

if only i cud turn back the time.. i dunno bry.. im taking this in a different way i guess. or i just stil cant accept the fact na he's gone

i know and i understand. the pain and the hurt is just too much sometimes

my once happy life is gone

it is not gone. it only means that a chapter of your life needs continuance.
write it. we write your own destiny. and i know you will.

=== i asked my friend to watch this video ===

lam ko nman lahat yan bry.. msyado lng tlgang malalim yung pinaggagalingan

yeah i know. kailagnan mo lang paalalahanan. to tell you honestly, this weekend was my lowest. buti nalang nakausap ko mommy ko. and natauhan ako.

wla akong means.

we all do.

i feel so alone here.
alone, stupid, angry... parang feeling ko never ending

yeah. i understand naman eh. gawin mong reinforcement yang lungkot mo. you still have your mother. no matter what you say, you still have her.

nandito nga si mami pero wla din sya lagi sa isip. di makapagtrabaho. laging may sakit. laging malungkot. laging frustrated. laging nagse-self pity. di ko alam kung san pa ako huhugot ng lakas ng loob. everyone's down.. lahat bagsak. lahat parang pagod n pagod. parang wlang mgyyri sa buhay nmin. hindi na magiging katulad ng dati when my dad was alive.
everything changed. im so tired na bry.. maybe bcoz of crying

stop for a minute. take a look around.

what? i have nothing

you said everything around you is down. so you better pick up the sword and wage your own battles. help one casualty at a time. but remember to help yourself first before you try to carry others.

its so hard bry..

yeah i know. hindi naman madali eh. alam ko naman yun. life is never easy.

just thinking about my problems,,, wla pa yung solutions ha. mahirap na

eh kasi sabi mo nga diba your'e looking at your problems. you know about it already. stop looking at the problem and start trying out solutions.
alam mo yung pag math problem diba. nose bleed siya talaga. dahil pagod ka na mag isip, titignan mo nalang siya ng titignan.
but the question is, would you wait for the bell to ring? or is it better to look at the book, on how its supposed to be done? or remember what was written on the board, when you were solving the problem with the class? or would it better for you to solve it together with a friend?
gets mo naman diba

copy from others

then do it! life is not fair so you make your own rules. but you must remember, naka-set ang exam. so different problem yung nasayo. iba iba kayo ng problems.

solving with a friend?

(in fairness, i like that metaphor! haha!)

yeah i liked it too. wla nman akong friend.

then think of your friends. a friend is someone you get to know. someone who is more than an acquaintance

kaya nga

so sa dami ng tao jan, the chances of you making friends are endless. and you have us pa kaya!

how can u guys help me then?? e ang layo2 nyo. argh,,,,

what am i doing here?

giving sermons
hehehee

haha im not! im trying to help you - being your sounding board. im helping you realize that no matter what's happening, you are still lucky.
you have a roof on your head, you have a mother. your father might be gone, but imagine the kids who never knew their fathers? who never knew their mothers? who never experienced material things? who never went to school? who never knew love from parents?
diba? in more ways than one, you are still lucky. we are still lucky!

yeah.. lam ko..

so you still have your tools. as tools you have to learn how to use it. so you better start practicing it now bago sila mangalawang or bago pa mawala ang lahat ng yan

bry.. grabe mga examples mo ha..

o diba nasapian ako! haha!

san mo nakukuha nanman yan? frustrated writer?? wow.. thanks for the words of wisdom then,,

pero you have to see what im saying

i did..

ive been there and again, i know that it hurts

a little relieved btw...

yay! good! just pray. bibigyan ka niya ng sagot. pramis!

when? after 10 yrs.. pag maayos na yung buhay ko, when i can stand on my own.. n people begin to say its all in his plan??
like every story... ryt?

its up to you. 10 years can be 20, 30. but it can also be 1 month. a week.

lets put it dis way... he'll give me an ans in his time? tama ako noh???

cummon..

i dont believe that eh. what i believe is he always gives us answers. we just dont want to see/try/acknowledge it

an2k na ako bry thanks for the time buti na lng nandyan ka.

im always here. were all here


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so it ends there.

ciao!

i walked through streets today
amidst the pulse of the crowd
the constant buzz all around
the rain won't stop

i see through people's eyes
they were empty, what a pity
not a flicker of light, not a soul
and the rain won't stop

i run though the floods
i run through the cold
slowly, steadily, it catches me inside
and i know

the rain won't stop
and i cry a little each time
my tears wouldn't dry
and i die on every raindrop
tell me, who feels fine

i saw us dancing today
i know i saw us fly
through the gushing winds
the raging storms
oh, the rain won't stop

the rain won't stop
as we both shared love
it was starless that night
so you went and took flight

who wants make believe?
i thought you too want it real
wouldn't you just agree
just to please be with me.

will the rain ever stop
as my tears hide from each drop

so i'll pray each time,
that the rain won't stop.

____

retreat

taking a chance on temporary un-solitude and jap's advice, my friends and i went out last night for dinner. i was a bit hesitant because i was totally over-budget (at nanglilimahid na ko sa kahirapan Ü).

as per karen's advice, drew picked me up first then we went to karen's. we were in greenbelt in less than 15 minutes. there, we met macky (who was wearing skinny jeans LOL) and kathy (who was wearing (sic) panty na may butones). we then, went around the new greenbelt 5 to look for a place to eat. we looked around and after a survey of the restaurants, we finally settled in La Maison. Actually, nagmakaawa kasi yung host na dun na kami kumain hehehe.

anyway, so after quite a long time it took for us to order (patawa kasi ng patawa si kathy, hindi makausap ng matino hehehe), we finally ordered some gambas for appetizer, "barkada" ribs and seafood alfredo pasta.

and surprise, surprise! after a few minutes, a plate of creamy mussels came to our table together with 3 loaves of rye bread with balsamic vinegar. camon camon! (kathy: OA AMBILIS NAMAN NG ORDER NATIN!) so we cancelled our order.

just kidding.

we were so loud that night and i only realized that we were when i realized there were no background music or anything. so the table next to us would easily hear our ka-jologan talk (HAHAHAHA... TANGENA MO... GAGO... AHAHAHAHA... PAPATAY AKO NG TAO... mga ganitong level ng kaingayan).

*click all pics to enlarge*

so anyway, nagpakabusog naman kami sa tinapay ni binigay samin. sinawsaw pa namin dun sa pagkadami daming sauce ng creamy mussels. then, the appetizer came, then followed by the biggest ribs i've ever seen in my entire life. it was like a lechon platter! right there in front of us was the biggest slab of the softest ribs. haaayyy... and o, the seafood alfredo came as well.

the restaurant is just on their soft opening so there were still quite a lot of things to work on/finish. i appreciate their complimentary dish, which was really a hefty portion. interiors were good too, though i've seen that already. food was really good but still a little too pricey. however, the most commendable thing about La Maison is their staff. Servers were really helpful in the selection of our food and they were really nice. kudos to robie. hehe.

(wait i'm tamad to type everything here na, fast forward) anne and greg followed and ordered pasta. and since anne knew the manager, another platter of ribs came. waaah.

after dinner, we went to kroc to just relax a bit. they ordered sml but i guess i was sick of it so i just ordered long island. very good and funny conversations followed. we stayed until 2 and called the night (let's call it tonight! mwehehehe)

dumaan pa kami ng coffee nila drew and karen after. we only stayed a few minutes and went home.

thanks kathy, macky, anne, karen, drew, greg for a great night... again.

ciao!


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Now playing: Alanis Morissette - That I Would Be Good (unplugged)
via FoxyTunes

oo na. nahihirapan na ako. hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman dahil ang feeling ko ngayon, nasa emotional rollercoaster ako. may oras na OK ako pero mas madalas ang oras na nag iisip ako at...
ang alam ko lang, sinabi kong tapos na. ang alam ko lang, sinabi ko pipilitin ko. ang alam ko lang, sabi ko tatanggapin ko. pero hindi ko sinabi na hindi na kita mamahalin.

same mistake

james blunt we meet again.

So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go

Hello, hello

There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy, does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go

And so I sent some men to fight,
And one came back at dead of night,
said "Have you seen my enemy?"
said "he looked just like me"
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again,

And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk and not just speak
Don't buy the promises 'cause
There are no promises I keep,
and my reflection troubles me
so here I go

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again

So while I'm turning in my sheets

And once again, I cannot sleep

Walk out the door and up the street

Look at the stars

Look at the stars, falling down,

And I wonder where, did I go wrong.

new look

as you might have noticed, i changed my template after almost three years.

with these changes, you can now leave comments, see tags, and much more which i will try to add in the coming days.

i also left the usual things that you (all 5 of you) are used to like the tagboard, sound section, moon phases (though i know you really don't care about that hehe), and all 3 or 4 years in my blog archive.

don't forget to leave me a comment on what you think and vote! hehe..

feel free to roam around.

ciao!


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Now playing: Alanis Morissette - Crazy
via FoxyTunes

by the way

these happened.

dinner

and of course, we went to papa.

click to enlarge

ciao

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Now playing: Jewel - Foolish Games
via FoxyTunes

things you should do

i'll tell you a secret. whenever you have a chance to selfgovernment-imposed long weekends, spend it at home doing absolutely nothing. i swear, those three or four days will seem forever. bore yourself with making faces in front of the mirror. look at your ceiling and pick the color that you want to paint it with. again the secret is not to act on it. watch tv until your fingers hurt in switching channels. imagine where you're supposed to be right at that moment when the picture on tv become hazy. sit in front of the computer and read people's blogs until you realize that you are half-stalking them. look at how many people are online and read all their stats. click the stat if it has a link. look at the pile of clothes laying on the floor. play with your hands and imagine the clothes folding itself and walking straight to the hamper. count the number of shoes that you have and make a mental list of the shoe that needs to be washed. turn your stereos on and blast it to full volume. dance. sing. lip-sync in front of the mirror. be crazy.

but never, never, never think about your life and how it has become. never think of anything that has something to do with how, what, and why you are feeling the way you are feeling. never do the things just mentioned WHILE chugging on alcohol.

never.

love etc.

love is acknowledging hurt. love is knowing pain. love is defining fear. for how would we know light when we haven't stumbled in the dark? how would we appreciate sweetness when we haven't tasted sourness? and how would we truly experience love when we haven't been bruised, scarred, and hurt?

love, sometimes, is a losing game. but in my life, these are what i have come to know: love is continuing to love even if in the end you know that it might just not work - you have no choice but to go on. love grips you in every way possible - you have no chance of escape. love defies logic, sense, and scientific and mathematical formulas and equations - it just wouldn't make sense. love is getting ready to be hurt - inspite of the knowledge that you are tired of it all. love is accepting pain for what it is - you learn not to give up, you learn raise your tolerance for it. love is the gnawing feeling of fear but still, you submit to it - for you know that love, though fleeting, would make you human. love is the biggest sacrifice - you can forget everything you have built for years just for a chance of love. love is accepting the person inspite of the many flaws the person has - for you know that at the end of the day, it's those imperfections in that person that you actually long for. loving selflessly, as you have been taught, is not right. you have to leave something for yourself. but love just conquers every inch of you, the smallest whisp of your soul, the very fiber of your being.

you only know that you love when you have been hurt, when you are in pain, and when you acknowledge that it would eventually end. everything is temporal. everything is fleeting.

intimidating as it may sound, we still love because of and most of all, inspite of.

ciao...