a cumbersome weekend
very early this morning, i got a wake up call from my stepdad (yeah, i did not think that i would call him that, but it's the reality). he told me that mommy has already wired the money and that i should get it asap.
i was in my groggy self so i just tried grab my phone and save the details on how to get it. he then asked me when is the exact date of my graduation. i have just enough wits to say that it's on january 28th of next year. well, that is if the planner given out by our school paper was correct.
then, during the lucid intervals i had during the phone conversation, it hit me. reality, that is.
i am graduating. and for a minute i thought i was dreaming when he finally said that mommy's coming home for sure. but the bigger plan is that the four of them will go here and go to dumaguete after for a vacation.
i did not know what to feel. as insane as it might sound, even when i'm half asleep, my feet got cold. what am i supposed to do when i meet mommy? it's just been four years when i last saw my mother, but a lot has changed. i was not the same person as i was when i graduated from highschool. my friend, tootsie, can attest to that when she told me during one of our night outs, that i had changed. that i was already not the bryan she knew back then. she said that "mayabang daw ang dating ko." maybe it's true. but my aloofness and rigidness can sometimes be misconstrued as yabang. and it's not intended at all. but still, i have changed.
yes i am not the bubbly bryan you once knew. like i said, things have made me this way. my once dreamer self has now been a cynic. my once always happy self has now been an expression-less poker-face. it's not that i am sad or anything whatsoever. the point is, i have changed.
and it's this change that bothers me when i finally get to meet my family. it's also the change in my life after i graduate. after almost 19 years of studying, i will be part of the workforce and hopefully not the discontented, non-working, well-educated public.
i was still in a bothered state when i put the phone down. i tried to go back to sleep but these thoughts would just play in my head.
after quite a few minutes, serenity finally befell on my troubled head. i just thought about how fun it's gonna be when i finally go to dumaguete after a while. how fun it might be, when i finally see the physical changes on my sister's and brother's faces. how fun it might be when i get to say to my mother that all her and my father's hard work has finally paid off.
maybe.
then i went back to sleep again and woke up 2pm.
what if you choose not to feel anything but you are still feeling it? it's that same feeling that nearly made you lose your mind last year.
in the beginning, you just love to have that feeling overwhelm you with anger, frustration, and sometimes guilt. but you reel back again after some time and gain your long lost sanity and evaluate the situation and discover that it can never be. that it is now lost. rather, it was a never-been at all.
you try hard to cover these feelings and all you get are repressed emotions. warning yourself over and over again, that any moment, this pressure just waits to erupt like the mightiest volcano. stronger than the one that erased pompeii.
however, as soon as this pressure becomes chaotic and destroy everything, you still manage to put out some pressure that builds inside. just enough to make things seem normal again.
maybe it's your own doing that made you that way. maybe, just maybe, you chose to fall and scramble in the dark. maybe, you should not have done that to yourself. just maybe.
whatever it is, you still did. you can never turn back. it's a one way street, dear one. no u-turns, no left turns, and no right turn. just a crooked line for you to follow.
you danced to your own tempo. you made your own rhythm. and it's the same tempo and rhythm that is kiling you. such a creative sadomasochist that you are. are you not?
now, i tell you this. get on, get back, and get a life. things will definitely not be the same and not be those things that you expect but it will be better for you and for the people around you. killing yourself with those thoughts won't do any good. spending your time with all those questions would get you nowhere. it's time for you to pick up the pieces and move on.
it was my father's death anniversary last 29th.
this is one of the ugliest tombstones i have ever seen.
