Remember me?

I think it has been almost a year since I last posted. I kinda miss reading through my days back when I was still active in blogging. Microblogging sites (Twitter and Facebook, I'm looking at you!) have already taken over. At least for me. And I haven't really felt the need to be writing about what I feel for the longest time. It makes me have to recollect and evaluate how I feel about certain things. After all, this is my repository. But since it's a Friday night and I'm just home doing nothing, I guess, this sort of gives me the go ahead to post it all on here, albeit, randomly. 

I have been in the company for more than three years. I didn't realize until mid this year that this has been my longest stint in a company. More than three years. Wow. First thought, there's still no promotion. WTF. I always get this "Hey, great job on this" "Good job on that!" "I appreciate that." Well, fuck you. I don't need sweet words, I need a promotion. Otherwise, you're just patronizing me and I hate that. Yeah. FUCK YOU.

BUT.

I love what I do. Those fucktards are lucky because I seriously love what I do. It's not that kind of thing you just tell yourself when you feel like you're stuck in a rut. Because heaven knows, I really love what I do. One more extra-curricular thing in this job that I love doing is hosting. So thank for events. And events have been many. 

But seriously, I think I have already set something this year for myself. If there is no promotion this year, I shall say goodbye and look for another company to work for - some place where I'm not just given a thumbs up but rewarded. My beef with this company is that it fucking lacks focus especially on the people who work for them. I've seen some people - good, competent people - leave because of that. Promotion, sometimes, is not because of merit but because of your closeness to certain figures. I shall refrain myself from naming names. 

In other news, it's gonna be Lola's first death anniversary soon. I can't believe it has already been a year. I was just watching the video I took of her a few weeks before she died and I can't help feeling nostalgic and sad. I'm quite surprised because I've never lived with her when I was young - spare some summer vacation I've spent in Dumaguete - and I really miss her. 

I remember when I came back for her birthday last year and I just wanted to spend time with her. It was one of those late afternoons that she was just watching TV when I sat beside her. I don't know if she noticed but I was exerting extra effort to talk to her and really just spend time with her. Sigh. 

Well, it's been almost a year. Fuck time flies by so fast. 

Speaking of time, it's nearly my 30th birthday. WHAT. THE. HELL. 30.

I've never really given much thought to it until last month when I felt I was really gonna hit 30. There's just something in that number that made me wanna stop myself and think about the things I've done in the past (almost) 30 years. No, it's not something emo or anything. It's more of "what have I done with my life?" sort of thing. It just hit me. It really did. And hard.

So I loosely planned what I wanted to do and it was a lot. There is one basic thing, though, in the many plans I've thought of - I wanna do something big, perhaps a first. I thought about traveling by myself alone somewhere. I've thought about celebrating it in an orphanage, too. I've thought about inviting the special 30 people in my life and giving them something. In any case, I just want to do something I don't normally do on my birthday. 

(Fuck I'm really turning 30!)

This is where all this gets interesting (REALLY?) I'm still single. The last time I was in a relationship was when I started working for the company I'm currently in. I was 26 then. I didn't realize that when I get to almost 30, it will somehow feel like a race - a race where I'm not really too keen on competing but it's just there. A nagging, dull, feeling about me being single. For lack of a better term, I'm afraid (not sure if I'm really fearful about it) that I'm really used to being single. I've done things by myself for many, many, many occasions already that it does not bug me. Well, spare this few months before I turn 30 because it does. 

One last, something from the old chest of my memory came back to reality just last week. My immigration papers. After 11 years. I seriously don't know how to feel about it. There's that bleak, hazy, image of New York, though. But seriously. I knew by the start of the year that something really big, something life-changing will happen to me this year. I'm still praying for that and I'm not even sure what it is. 

Oh well. That's all for now. I guess my number of words for the day is met. 

Ciao.

sad sunday

So I just found out that my friend Patty's two-month old daughter died last Thursday. I still don't know what the cause is. It's just sad, we were talking about her daughter a few weeks ago.

I can't even begin to imagine how that is for Patty - for her family. I just pray that they be strong in this very sad time.

Sigh.

We're going there later. What's happening? In a month I've been to two wakes. Both are too young to die. Then again, we absolutely have no idea when our time is. So, before I pass on to the other life, let me tell you how much I love you!

And to my special someone, I know you're out there, I hope we meet before that day comes. o__0

corazon c. aquino

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

i saw dead people

i saw two dead men sprawled on the street in sucat interchange last friday night. i just couldn't get the image out of my head. it was freaky and scary at the same time as there were a lot of policemen with big guns guarding the scene. we almost saw the other 14 along sucat service road but we were wise enough to turn back as traffic was not moving. (on second thought, it was also unwise as that was the time when we saw those dead men) *shivers*

read news here.

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in other news, i almost did not want to post this here but what the heck:

my head is about to explode. as of now, and three days back, i'm experiencing my worst toothache. there are no cavities to pinpoint exactly where it aches. but man, it throbs and it radiates throughout half of my head. i'm literally awakened in the middle of the night because of the pain. i haven't had a decent sleep for two nights now. i was actually on the verge of rushing myself to makati med last night because of the pain if only the fear of paying huge amounts of money didn't stop me. just to give you an idea, yesterday i downed 7 advils and 2 ponstans just to make it bearable. i was so high on painkillers, my eyes feel like popping anytime soon.
tomorrow morning, i'll be visiting the dentist yet again. hopefully it wouldn't cost me as much as it did before. remember this? right, "THAT."

wish me luck.

ciao!

just this morning

just this morning

just early this morning, i was doing my usual routine when i get to the office. i parked myself just outside the office to light a cigarette and wished, while inhaling the somewhat intoxicating wisps of smoke, that i have a really good day. i was pacing right beside the building and i suddenly saw a familiar face. it was tootsie. my first reaction was (and you bet it was really loud) "what the fuck are you doing here?!"
it was 4:30 in the morning and she was the last person i thought i'd see. i walked slightly towards her since i figured that they were coming in my direction. she was aloof - with just a forced grin that appears contrary to her reactionless face, slightly wet hair, and normal clothes. i thought for a second that they just came from a gimmick and they are just roaming around makati. but i thought otherwise as soon as i saw her outfit of normal shirt and pants with a huge bag that she carries on her side.

"san kayo galing?" i asked

"pupuntahan namin dad ko," with lips pursed pointing at the hospital right beside our office, she answered in her raspy voice. it was not the usual tootsie.

i looked over at makati med and asked her again, "ay, why? na-ospital ba daddy mo?"

with no pretensions whatsoever, she replied, "'di, patay na dad ko. pupuntahan namin."

i was held back for a second. and being my stupid self, i shot back with " ... di nga?"

i know it's really stupid when i think about it now but during that time it was pure disbelief. it was like piecing together some unearthly puzzle that you just lose all logic and momentum.

at siya, na sa tingin ko ay nasa panahon na kailangang utak muna ang pairalin at kailangang gawin muna ang mga dapat gawin, ay sumagot lang ng " oo nga.."

all i could do was offer her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. she knows i want to say something more but for some reason some cat got hold of my tongue.

she just said "sa susunod nalang ako magkukwento, i need to go now." she was with her ate candy and there was a slight introduction after that.

she went away. i was looking after her and all i could say was "take care tootsie, i love you!"

you guys do not know how it is walking in the hospital knowing you are headed to the morgue. you do not know the feeling how heavy each step could get when you smell the overly-sanitized hospital. you do not know the feeling of being in a small, long and plain white corridors of the hospital. you do not know the feeling of seeing your family at the end of the corridor waiting for you to finally arrive. and i hope you never experience the grief and agony and opening the door of the morgue. i hope you never experience ever in your life seeing your father lying on a cold stainless steel table covered only with white sheets. it can shatter your heart into a million pieces. not knowing what to think, not knowing what happens next after seeing your strong father lying there helpless and cold and breathless.

how i wish i could get out of work to accompany tootsie to that dreadful place. but i also know that the best thing for her is to be with her family and stay together. i just hope that she cried and let everything out. and if she chose to keep her quiet and be strong, i hope she cries in her solitude. because crying can help although it does not ease the burden.

god bless, tootsie. be strong.

il papa

you were born,

you grew up,

and you lived.

lived for the people,

lived for the lord.

oh how i wish

to be just a mere shadow of you!

you who made almost anything

seem easy and light,

breezy and calm,

sunny and bright.

yet on your shoulders

rests the worries of the world.

each man.

each day.

you live for them.

your spirit can light up

the whole world.

even the universe.

i can only fathom

the deep, serious,

and true love

you have for the people you cared for so much.

your time on earth can never measure

the greatness that shines,

illuminates,

the old and tired spirit.

your light will kindle forever

in the greater glory

of god.

may the angels in heaven sound their trumpets on your journey homemay the lord keep you in his arms forever.
you have touched my life like no one else has.

the day the birds stopped singing

the day my birds stopped singing

last week i bought two birds and the following day i bought another one. so three. one died three days after and the other died three days after.

RIP

aguiluz

purchased january 22

died january 25

vultra

purchased january 22

died january 28

this was supposed to be a long post but the computer hanged i was typing on hanged and im too tired to do it again..

ciao!

death wishes

death wish...es

those reading this might better do this or else, when i die, ill scare the f*ck out of your miserable and pathetic lives! hehe...

when i die

when i die, i want these things to be strictly followed ok? no excuses and PLEASE, no mushy and crybaby stuff.

my coffin

• i want it signed by all those i know personally. personally meaning i talked to them in my lifetime and i have interacted with them at some point of my life
• on the sides of the coffin, i want people who know how to draw and paint, make a nice painting or graffitti. calling nolan, calling nolan. i want something that shows something like the last 24 hours of my life
• i want it colored with any shade of orange and white

my attire

• i want it to be my school clothes. nothing fancy like a barong or a coat and tie or ill open my eyes and kick your ass
• no rings, watches, bracelets or necklaces whatsoever
• i dont want my shoes to match. yeah this is weird (everything here is weird, duh!)
• my god, even if im alive, my eyebags are killing me. so yeah, tons and tons of concealers - no slight reminder of my dark circles or ill raise my hand and pull you with me
• tell the make up artist of the funeral parlor to make me handsome even for at least A DAY!

on my wake

• only one day please. ok, two days max
• i want my friends singing songs that remind them of me. but please do away from mushy ones
• i want people going to my wake wearing anything orange and white. leave the black outfits to people 70 and above
• and please NO CARD GAMES OR GAMBLING. id rather have you draw me from different angles ;)

on my burial

• i want a church service - no buts, no ifs. im a baptized Roman Catholic for cryin out loud
• i want these people to sing:

a solo by yuri

a solo by nikki

a duet by rr and japs

a duet by ferson and someone

and the finale: "the warrior is a child" by gary v. or at least nyoy volante
(i want the real nyoy please) ok by this time you could try to shed a tear.
<>

• NO CRYING!
• if ever friends are giving testimonies, SAY WHATEVER you want. tell my secrets tell even what happenned to me on the 28th night of june. tell everyone i got stoned once. or maybe twice. tell everyone how, sometimes, i creep the hell out of you. yeah, everything!
• i want to be cremated
• if im cremated, my ashes should be scattered somewhere in bais with the dolphins during sunset
• if im not cremated, i want to be buried right beside papa
• while my coffin is goind down, no crying and PLEASE NO singing of "rejoice in the lord"
• i want everybody singing "staying alive"
• i dont want marching bands
• i dont want flowers thrown
• i want letters thrown
• i dont want any mushy music
• i also want "happy (sha la la la)" to be the background music

ok im done for now. for those who read this, i will make you personally liable for it and youll be sorry for maybe a few weeks. hehe. or a year. hehe ;)

ciao!