bryan is

not your priority.

rooftop

bored. rooftop. vista. failed.

last time i went up here was years ago. i remember i can still see magallanes interchange clearly from our roof. now, look! some house decided to put a fourth floor mini-apartment on their roof. ugh. the blast of colors coming from behind that fugly apartment is from the newly renovated building on pasong tamo that now has a huge lcd display. i never knew it was that bright.

pan right of that fugly apartment. magallanes interchange... or what's left of it.

realizing my failure, i took a picture of the house beside ours. dirty laundry.

after much thought, i decided to stay for half an hour on the roof to... well... relax.

ciao.

the past

i was labeling all my posts and i came across this.

what i've written years ago, still applies to me now. i don't know if it's good or bad or both.

sabi ko

sabi ko nung isang linggo,

"i'm not just a side attraction or a detour... i'm the destination."

lol.

a decision

for the past week, i have been the energizer bunny. i decided to focus on work. i decided to beat deadlines. i decided to accomplish all the new things that's brought to me while struggling to find my balance in the routinary things that i'm doing. i decided to not think about being tired and sleep deprived -- not to mention the insomnia i feel i'm developing again. just thinking about the coming weeks stresses me -- the packing, the traveling, the trainings, the people i will be meeting, in short, the marketing-game-face -- must smile, must understand, must be on point, must be knowledgeable, must be a soldier. from what i know, i can only breathe after my birthday. and that's three months away.
then again, i am already decided. for the next couple of weeks, no feelings, no overthinking, no nothing except work, work, work.

i think this decision will help minimize disappointments, failures, and breakdowns in other aspects of my life.

everything, including that, is a decision.

ciao.

.

8

life

dear life,

there are things i can do but i'm not supposed to do. there are things that i want to do but i can't do. please help me make things a little easier. just for a while. i feel everything around me is going too fast and i'm stuck in the middle without any idea of what to do. i don't want to think i'm lost, but that's the feeling i'm getting.

that's my only request.

ps: i hope your friend, time, comes quickly to heal my wounds.


sincerely,
bryan

isa lang

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

see you!

tonight i say goodbye to the people i've worked with for 2 years. hindi ako maiyak eh, sorry =P

pero sana kayo maiyak dahil di niyo na ko makikita. hehe.

if you need anything, and if you read this, i'm just a text or click or call or nudge or kalabit away =)

aylabyu all!!

hindi pa alam

hindi ko pa rin alam kung dapat ba kong matuwa o mainis o magalit sa nalaman ko.
dapat sa isang relationship, kahit na ano pang relationship yan, transparent, honest, at malinaw ang mga bagay bagay. hindi pwede ang "pwede na yun," o kaya "ok na 'to." hindi ko hinihingi ang paghingi ng permiso. ang hinihingi ko lang ay ang ipaalam sa akin kung ano man ang nangyayari dahil ayoko ng gulatan.

ilang ulit ko nang naisulat at nasabi na madali akong maglagay ng tiwala sa mga tao. kaya na rin siguro maraming beses na kong naisahan. pero tangina naman, pag nagtiwala naman sana ako, sana bigyan ito ng halaga. mahirap para sakin ang magbalik ng tiwala. at nahihirapan din akong mag-maintain ng relationship na may pagdududa. madaling sabihing kalimutan na pero mahirap gawin. lalo pa't nangyari pa lang. pero kahit na ano pa yan, handa akong magsimula ulit. wag lang sana paulit ulit.

ang sabi ko nga, para na nga akong sirang plaka, nahihirapan ako pero matiyaga ako. pero sana wag akong mapagod.

yun lang.

first time

yesterday, for the first time in my life, my chest was about to explode. emotions were running through my mind. my hands were terribly shaking. my breathing was shallow and uncontrollable. i couldn't think straight. i had all the energy inside me and i was doing what it wants me to do. i was a mere vessel of its growing energy. i could've brought the kitchen wall down. i tried, but i knew then that it would hurt after it consumed me. i think that's the right term, i was wholly consumed by it.

i was fuming mad and i let it all out.

i'm sorry for the casualties.

para lang alam ng lahat

alam ko naman kung saan ako lulugar.

laro

nagsisimula ang lahat sa laro. nakaka enjoy, nakaka pawis, nakaka hingal. pero masaya.

hanggang sa madapa ka at malaman mong totoo pala ang mga sugat. totoo ang dugo.

masakit pala.

gabi kasi

off topic:

dapat ba 'kong matuwa? kasi feeling ko hindi dapat. pero dahil sa ganun, kailangan.

naisip ko lang yung lagi nilang sinasabi: hindi porque kaya mo, dapat mong gawin. at hindi rin porque ayaw mo, hindi na dapat gawin.

balanse lang dapat siguro.

------

i went with macky and tracy to greenhills late this afternoon. macky was supposed to sell his phone and tracy just to look around for a new phone.

the ending, macky was not able to sell his phone and tracy got a new phone.

nokia e71 (tracy bought e63 pala)

i want din. bumili kaya ako? pero wag nalang. ito pa rin siguro ang gusto ko

pero ayoko na gumastos para sa cellphone. luho.

then again, kung meron mang mabait na kaluluwa na magbibigay sakin nito, why not diba? opportunity knocks once. haha!

ang binili ko sa greenhills? lens cleaner pen and spare memory card. para sa napaka ganda kong camera lol.

ciao!

ER: part II

730am -- made tea with milk. i just made the tea and poured the newly opened carton of milk in it. i let it stand for while and had my first sip after. my tea tasted weird so i looked at the expiration date on the carton -- it's next year. so i tried to smell the milk and it was already spoiled. i threw the carton of milk and left my cup of tea on the sink.

i went to work worried about having an upset stomach because of it. but up until lunch time, my tummy was doing fine.

130pm -- lunch time. we're having a conference that day and we had catered food and it was really good. since it was good, i hit on my "gluttony mode." i ate all the food they have and even went back for another serving. i also had dessert and some of tin's yoghurt, as well.

200pm -- i was stuffed. the feeling was that of having been into an eat-all-you-can buffet.

230pm -- i am still stuffed. my back was already aching while working for the conference because i don't know what position to take to ease my tummy.

300pm -- still stuffed. so i went down to the drugstore to buy medicine because i already think i'm having indigestion. while walking i can literally feel the bulge in my stomach with each step i take. while i was lining up, i'm already sweating.

330pm -- i was back in the office and i was still finding the best position to ease my tummy. i tried standing up, sitting down, leaning back, and pacing around but still, i'm sweating and my arms and my legs are beginning to get numb.

330pm onwards -- i just sprawled myself on the chair and layed my head back. my back was already aching because of my position and my stomach is in terrible pain. i was just breaking in sweats and i just can't move myself. my arms and legs are still numb. i even had difficulty talking. the pain was something like i'm having my insides pushed, pulled, and twisted around. =(

530pm -- my officemates went inside and were already wrapping up for the conference and i was just there with my fly open so i can breathe a little better and i gave no flying fuck when they saw me like that. i asked my officemate to drop me near my place instead because i can no longer stand let alone walk properly.

fast forward to 830pm because of the traffic in makati -- i got home. i forced myself to vomit. i barfed every little morsel i had for lunch. i waited a bit until i can no longer take the pain. i decided to go to makati med and packed my stuff in my backpack just in case.

i have no idea how i got out of the house and was able to hail a cab. all i knew was that i was literally writhing in pain and had two of my arms wrapped around my tummy.

thing is, when i got in the ER, i still had to fall in line. i had no choice even if i wanted to scream at the nurses attending the reception.

after almost collapsing on the floor, i finally had a doctor check on me. the finding? hyperfuckingacidity. jeeze!!! hyperacidity?!?! all that pain for HYPERACIDITY?!?!

the nurse injected me with the biggest syringe i've seen. it took her almost 5 minutes to completely finish one and injected me with another one and another one. she asked me to wait for an hour to see if the meds worked. and it did, thank god.

luckily, i didn't pay anything for that because it was covered by my HMO card. again, THANK GOD.

------

the whole point of this is:
1. check the milk first before drinking it or putting it into anything.
2. do not overeat.
3. do not overeat.
4. do not overeat.
5. it's hard to be in that situation especially if you are alone in the house.

------

that's it. i've learned my lessons.

ER

it was my first time to go the ER by myself a few hours ago.

had my first hyperacidity attack.

more tomorrow. i'm still so tired after 7 hours of writhing in pain.

o happy day

thank you lord. sa hinaba-haba ng prusisyon, sa simbahan din pala ang tuloy.

minsan kasi ang buhay mahilig magbiro. minsan mahilig din magpaasa -- di mo alam kung dadating ang inaasahan mo, o habangbuhay ka nang aasa. minsan mahilig din ang buhay na pahirapan ka ng konti lalo kapag ganadong ganado ka sa ginagawa mo.

pero kanina, sabi siguro ng fate, "haay tama na ang paghihirap mo bryan. ok na yan. dahil sa naging good boy ka, etong sa'yo..."

tapos kinabukasan, may gigising sayo. tatayo ka at bubuksan ang pinto. tapos ito ang babati sayo...

tapos sasaya na ang buhay! :)

friends, i want you to meet my new baby -- bokbok.
first time kong mag-name ng gadget of any kind. feels nice. bokbok. my bokbok! :)

lord, sa lahat lahat ng blessings na pumasok, pumapasok at kahit yung hindi pumapasok sakin ngayon, maraming salamat po!!


ciao!

sunday

sabi ng pari kanina:

"mas madaling suungin ang karagatan ng kahinaan kaysa akyatin ang bundok ng kayabangan"

hmmm.

nakakatawa yung pari kanina sobra. kaso nakakahiya tumawa kasi ako lang mag isa nagsimba. nakatayo pa. sarap sana humalakhak tapos sasabihin ko sa kasama ko:

me: "ayan! ayan! AYAN! pari na nagsabi! wag ka daw kasi mayabang! *palo sa balikat* bwahahaha!"
imaginary friend: "gagu! ikaw kaya, ma-pride! bwahahahaha!"

grrr!! kainis.

sabi rin niya:

"kung hindi mo kayang mahalin ang isang tao, mahalin mo ang Diyos. Dahil ang pagmamahal Niya nag magtuturo sayo'ng magmahal."


yun lang. bow. sunday kasi, walang maisulat.

ciao!

when it rains

it pores =P

double meaning. kasi kahit na ang daming mga dapat ika-buwisit, may mga kalakip na blessings. sabi ko nga, kakapit ako sa mga magagandang bagay na nangyayari.

it pores -- kasi kanina, galing ako ng **********, tapos bawal mabasa. eh biglang umulan. ayun, napataxi tuloy ako. grrr!

anyway, yun lang. short update lang para sakin.

ciao.

waiting... still

minsan mapapakamot ka nalang ng ulo pag nabiro ka ng destiny. kasi hanggang ngayon, ang alam ko, tapos na ang paghihintay. pero hanggang ngayon, naghihintay pa rin ako. nagbago lang ng porma. nagbago ng anyo. nagbago ng proseso. pero sa huli, naghihintay pa rin.

minsan nakakapagod na rin. sa tagal kong naghihintay, lahat na ng pwedeng gawin, ginawa ko. lahat ng pwedeng isipin, inisip ko na rin. minsan, naisip ko na ring huwag nang maghintay. tatakbo nalang ako. ako ang gagawa ng sarili kong daan na tatahakin.

pero...

dasal ko lang lord, sana wag mo akong pagsawain maghintay. sana rin, yung hinihintay ko, maging makabuluhan. mahirap maghintay sa wala.

at ayoko maghintay sa wala.