july27

july 27

it was my father's birthday last july 27 and we went to the cemetery today to visit

three times three

three times three

i'm feeling weird and i'll try to tell you why.

i dunno what happenned in the short span of months i'm in the office, but some things just go like "WHAAT?!?!"
first i had a stalker which i didn't write about here. she was irritatingly (and unnecessarily) needy and demanding. acting like she's my girlfriend. i thought it was over. then comes another one babbling those damned three words. then another one. have they lost their minds? this is just me, for crying out loud. i haven't changed in a way that might solicit those three words. and those three words! has it lost it's meaning already - being thrown around like just some cheap pop?

one person even gave me a note stating those bloody three words. and she's even making me kulit to read it. i've read it and i just brushed it aside. i forgot how to react to those words anymore. or worse, i never knew how to react.

hay. the story of my life. anyway, fyi, i might be resigning anytime soon. i just found out that one of my friends in the office has not been approved for regularization. and my standing is really not too different from her. i like my job. i think i want to stay there much longer. i love the people there, they're so cool to work with. but with the way things are going, i don't think i'm cut out for them. too bad.

until then, ciao!

rising phoenix

rising phoenix

i always thought that i'm better than this. i thought that although this is not for me, i will make it here - that i will bloom wherever i am planted. and that everything will fall easily for me.

wrong.

i was slapped twice. i was foolish in thinking that after the fleeting moment of success, i will make it through. i was pulled back to the ground faster than i could think. and fuck it hurts. it is slowly taking away the only thing that is left in me - my confidence. i'm beginning to question my choices. i'm beginning to look for greener pasteurs, should there be any. i'm beginning to be restless and anxious by the fact that i have to wait for so long for me to get away from this discomforting situations.

my only comfort is that i'm getting something from this damned situation. and honestly, i really don't want to dwell in these emotions and this logic of thinking. for now, i will lick my scars with a thought that although these things might have hurt me, changed me and molded me into a new thing, i will never be reduced by any of this.

ciao.

dear wind

dear wind

napapansin ko na nitong mga nakalipas na araw malakas ang ihip mo. masarap pagmasdan ang puno ng sampaloc sa harap ng bahay habang nilalaro mo ito. nakakatuwa ding tignan ang palmera kapag kayo'y nagaaway at pilit mo siyang niyuyuko sa lupa. at masarap din ang pagdampi mo sa aking balat tuwing akoy uupo at magmumuni-muni.


i love it when you stroke my hair with your hands. i like it when you silently caress my tired and wrinkled skin. it feels so natural. it's like you are a part of me and i, a part of you.

pero naiinis ako kasi hindi mo kayang abutin ang kwarto ko. wala itong bintana kaya't lagi mo akong kinakatok. hindi ko maramdaman ang kamay mo na dumadampi sa buhok ko. hindi ko rin tuloy maranasan ang sarap ng iyong haplos sa aking maselang balat.

i can only dream that you are there with me, gently blowing on me on my sleep. and in my dreams, i can feel you all around me. i can still smell the passion in every touch, the love in every gentle hush.

i have one request, though, dear wind. please be gentle with me, do not be harsh. i have been weak these weeks. my soul is fragile, my spirit tired. i have been failing myself and i apologize for that, dear wind. i cannot contain my emotion sometimes that i forget that i am happy.

but i would appreciate it if you could carry me to places that would awaken me and rekindle my love for life, my zest for being alive.

for now i want to thank you and ask these of you. so if you can, dear wind, grant my wish today. if only you can. if only I can.

just this morning

just this morning

just early this morning, i was doing my usual routine when i get to the office. i parked myself just outside the office to light a cigarette and wished, while inhaling the somewhat intoxicating wisps of smoke, that i have a really good day. i was pacing right beside the building and i suddenly saw a familiar face. it was tootsie. my first reaction was (and you bet it was really loud) "what the fuck are you doing here?!"
it was 4:30 in the morning and she was the last person i thought i'd see. i walked slightly towards her since i figured that they were coming in my direction. she was aloof - with just a forced grin that appears contrary to her reactionless face, slightly wet hair, and normal clothes. i thought for a second that they just came from a gimmick and they are just roaming around makati. but i thought otherwise as soon as i saw her outfit of normal shirt and pants with a huge bag that she carries on her side.

"san kayo galing?" i asked

"pupuntahan namin dad ko," with lips pursed pointing at the hospital right beside our office, she answered in her raspy voice. it was not the usual tootsie.

i looked over at makati med and asked her again, "ay, why? na-ospital ba daddy mo?"

with no pretensions whatsoever, she replied, "'di, patay na dad ko. pupuntahan namin."

i was held back for a second. and being my stupid self, i shot back with " ... di nga?"

i know it's really stupid when i think about it now but during that time it was pure disbelief. it was like piecing together some unearthly puzzle that you just lose all logic and momentum.

at siya, na sa tingin ko ay nasa panahon na kailangang utak muna ang pairalin at kailangang gawin muna ang mga dapat gawin, ay sumagot lang ng " oo nga.."

all i could do was offer her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. she knows i want to say something more but for some reason some cat got hold of my tongue.

she just said "sa susunod nalang ako magkukwento, i need to go now." she was with her ate candy and there was a slight introduction after that.

she went away. i was looking after her and all i could say was "take care tootsie, i love you!"

you guys do not know how it is walking in the hospital knowing you are headed to the morgue. you do not know the feeling how heavy each step could get when you smell the overly-sanitized hospital. you do not know the feeling of being in a small, long and plain white corridors of the hospital. you do not know the feeling of seeing your family at the end of the corridor waiting for you to finally arrive. and i hope you never experience the grief and agony and opening the door of the morgue. i hope you never experience ever in your life seeing your father lying on a cold stainless steel table covered only with white sheets. it can shatter your heart into a million pieces. not knowing what to think, not knowing what happens next after seeing your strong father lying there helpless and cold and breathless.

how i wish i could get out of work to accompany tootsie to that dreadful place. but i also know that the best thing for her is to be with her family and stay together. i just hope that she cried and let everything out. and if she chose to keep her quiet and be strong, i hope she cries in her solitude. because crying can help although it does not ease the burden.

god bless, tootsie. be strong.