confession

Confession

I’ll be dead honest. I know that I have not posted here since last month. Actually, I don't have any plans anymore to post here. But certain things have happened during the past weeks that I think an entry is appropriate. All the names will be here. I will have no apologies. This post is a little random, a little messy. My thoughts seem to move faster than my fingers.

I have read my last posts. And I admit it's a desperate cry for help. Like I have said in my previous entries, I never share what I’m going through. First of all because I think it's all too private for me to divulge here. Though I know that only a few select people visit my blog, it's still hard for me to be frank and straight enough to reveal everything here.

the ball started rolling

Let me start with this. For the past month, I have fallen into the pit of depression. And it sucks to know that for the first time, it's the kind of depression that I just can't deal with. I have been depressed during these months for the past years. All those three years I can handle, but this time, I just can't. Everything seemed to have fallen out of place and I cannot control what's happening. The thought that I am graduating gave me cold feet; that finally I’m old enough to think about life after school, work and everything. And the fact that my thesis hasn't even started, which is to be submitted in a month, is not at all helping.

ojt and other routinary stuff

I love doing my ojt. It just keeps me occupied with things. But it just became too mechanical. There’s no excitement. The first weeks were exciting. But after a few weeks of waking up early, going home and doing the same thing for the next weeks torments me. I thought I just needed a touchstone where I can check what's happening outside my ojt world. And I thought I can count on Yuri for that. But every time I come home, it's either he's not home yet or he's there but busy with something else. Something else that it's worth the next paragraph. So that's what I needed.

the walk home

My depression also forced me to go to church everyday to ask for strength, courage and acceptance. And I have to admit, I have been harboring this ill feeling on why it takes too long for Him to give that to me. I have asked Him to let me cry so that I can just vent everything I’m feeling. I have asked Him to make me function properly - to not let my emotions manifest itself on the physical level. Because frankly, even my friends now have noticed that's something's going on and I hate that. I also hate the fact that some people just ask if I’m ok just to be polite - I detest that. I asked Him also to give me the peace of mind just when I’m about to sleep so that I don't have to drink 4-5 bottles a night just to numb myself and let me sleep. But my prayers were not answered and I can say that for the first time, I have questioned Him.

oh my soul

It also makes me sad that the first person who knew what I’m going through is living thousand and thousand of miles away. Thank you pres. she called me just when I was about to lose my sanity. Before she called, I broke down while doing my laundry. I told her how ironic it was that she was living thousands of miles away but she was first to hear my heart. While friends here, especially Yuri, has been busy with something else. It made me so sad but at the same time so thankful that at least my soulfriend has called me. I told everything to her. I told her how I hate what's happening to me and how I hate my life and myself for being too affected to function properly.

tid-bits

What also makes me sad is the fact that the person who noticed that I am going through something was the least person I expected to be. I am living with Yuri, yet he still wouldn't even nudge. I don't know if I’m blinded with what I’m going through but I never felt like he cared at all, and that's the truth.
Well, according to what I heard, japs told abner what little I told her about what I’m going through. When abner knew this, he was there ready to make me happy. He planned for the four of us, japs, him, Yuri and me for a drinking night. And when he knew that I still wouldn't open my mouth except when I’m drinking booze, he told us all to get dressed. He took us all to tagaytay. I never felt more touched by the gesture he made. Like what happened with pres, of all people, I never expected someone who will go out of their way to at least console me. Thankfully he did. Though I really did not feel lighter, at least it made me happy that some unexpected person went out of his way for me.

Weeks went on with the depression. At least, during these weeks, I was able to find comfort and solace with japs. I told her everything. How pissed off I am. How everything just ticks me off. I asked her to call me and she did. What happened was that I ended up talking to her mom. It was a relief because I was able to vent my frustrations with God to her. And the misery I am feeling. I told about myself questioning everything in my life right now. She did not solve my problems but what she said was really helpful. I was able to clear my mind for the next few hours and a day.

another year, another life

Last week also was my birthday. I guess I was so deep in the pit of depression that I did not notice it until my tita reminded me about it. she asked what I’m gonna do on my birthday and I just answered nothing, just work and go on with my life, without really reveling about gaining another (miserable) year in my life. I guess it was also a good thing that rr planned his despedida party to be held in my house. I just asked him one favor - not to invite Michelle. he promised and I was all go. until I came home and found Michelle sitting on my sofa. I promised myself that someone as despicable as she could and should never step inside my house. I don't know how to react. I was there, she was there. I immediately retreated to my aunt's house and there I spent quite a few minutes trying to regain control of myself again. I don't want to ruin the night for rr. and I don't want to ruin my mood on my birthday. on my house. on my turf. so I just let it slip by. no blood was shed. thankfully. no hurting words were stranded in the air. I just made my point clear. that she is not, and I think never will be welcome in my house - not today, not ever. when she went home, she kissed me on the cheek. I honestly thought I saw Judas. so now I’m left wondering - am I to be sold for a few satchels of gold and be nailed to the cross sometime this month? let's see.

Friday, the day after my birthday, I never thought it would happen. after work, abner called me up and asked what time I am going home. he said that something came up and that we should meet at Jd's house. so I went home early. and ironic as it is, abner and jen and I came home at the same time. I went up immediately just to get dressed - no washing, no baths, no toothbrush. then we went to jd's house, with abner driving and Yuri and jen at the backseat. I wondered that if the meeting was that urgent, why were we the first people there. I brushed it off and just thought they left. jd's mom asked me how my birthday went and honestly I said that it was "malungkot" I immediately regretted having said that because when jd came in, she told everyone what I said. tita was preparing the table for food when I thought it best to get a little sleep. I rested my head on the sofa and had my forty-winks. suddenly I heard the happy birthday song and it never really occurred to me that it was a surprise until I saw the cake and eka.

I was delighted, touched and happy to see friends that night. they invited a lot of people but only a handful came. that's a good thing for me since I’m really not in my socializing self. only the few, select and most trusted friends were there. and I want to take this opportunity to thank them all.

abner - for planning everything. I thought the tagaytay thing was good, but you made it better with this.
Yuri - for helping abner plan the special day for me. loved the cake too!
jd - for the place and for the good company.
tita yolly - jd's mom has got it going on! loved the food you served and love your big heart! thank you!
cheska - for all the times you didn't come to our get togethers, your presence on that day made up for it big time.
pao - though I don't see you during the times we were supposed to see each other, you still went out of you way to celebrate with me.
jen - for the cake and for the presence. but the latter seemed to have the most impact on me.
Erika - I know that going out on a night like that is hard for you. I am touched that you spent it with me and happy that you were there.
Angela - you heard almost half of what I’m going through and it's nice to see you there.
jelz - for being there with me on my day even if we really are not that close.

on that day, I got my answered prayer. I got my friends to cover me and to make me happy. although the pangs of depression still lurk inside my head and insanity is just around the corner, at least for two weeks, my life was bearable and livable.

remember, remember the first of november

earlier today, I went to the cemetery to visit my father. if not for the many people there, I would have broken into songs of lamentations and frustrations, of heartache and loneliness, of the spurts of happiness and lucidity. I was all ok that Yuri did not go with me again. I think it just not his thing. but when I came back and found him at my back while getting my things from the car telling me that he's going "somewhere" ticked me off big-time. it came to me as he was so excited to go that he can't wait for me to get home. and the fact that when I asked him if he wanted to go with me to the cemetery but turned off by his reasons for not coming, I can't help feeling pissed. he doesn't even have the slightest "pakiramdam" that he just turned me down with an excuse for not going and yet right when I come back he's going somewhere. at least have the slightest, smallest, tiniest respect for what he did. he could have waited a little longer for me to at least settle down.
I know he has his life and I have mine. I just thought he be more of a friend and a little more sensitive. I couldn't give a damn who he's meeting. (and the stuttering when I asked him where he's going doesn't really help at all.)
I am just thinking about the fact that we were able to bond together again for the last few days of vacation. and I think I can take that.

silver lining... ?

For now, I cannot say that I’m finally ok because I know I’m far from it. all I can say is that at last my head is finally floating above the waters and I can think a little clearly.

some note

And o, don’t go looking for any paragraphs about my hatred for Michelle. You won't find any. I just decided that i don't think she's even worth a word in my blog. I just mentioned her for story telling purposes.

ciao!