Saturday, December 29, 2007

the round-up

buti nalang may blog ako para makita at maalala ko ulit ang mga pangyayari sa lilipas na taon. balikan nga natin, tignan natin kung may nagbago ba. kasi feeling ko dapat pataas ng pataas dapat ang lebel ko pero bakit ngayon biglang bagsak. zero. talo.
sige simulan na natin ang pagbabalik-tanaw.

enero
nako. ito na yung punto na ayoko gusto kong makipag giyera sa former work mate. manager siya, bisor lang ako. pero kahit na. mabuti nalang din at umalis ako doon dahil kung hindi, nagsimula at matatapos ang taon na miserable ang buhay ko. lalo pa't makikita ko ang mga taong plastikada at mga ipokrito. namen!

pebrero
nasa limbo ako nitong mga panahong ito. ito yung simula ng pagiging bum kong muli. walang masyadong nangyari, nanood lang ako ng nanood ng sine.
birthday ni yuri 'tong buwan na 'to.

marso
nagsimula na akong kumilos para sa panibagong trabaho. momentous ang buwan na ito dahil sa buwan na ito ko sinabi at kinonfirm sa sarili ko na,
"i am ready for love"
o diba. napaisip lang ako - hanggang ngayon ready pa rin ako. parang hanggang ready nalang ako, walang get set, at go. nakakatawa pero hindi ako makatawa. hmp!
birthday ng nanay at ng kapatid kong si janna. pati ng barkada kong si macky.

abril
nagsimula na ako sa bago kong trabaho. april 2.
mejo nag small-get-together ang barkada ko. yun nga lang, wala ang ibang mga tao. si yuri nasa zambales. si tracy may duty. si nolan... ewan. ito rin yung buwan na pumunta kami ng zambales kasama si yuri. nakapag banana boat na rin ako sa wakas.

mayo
umuwi si jen sa pinas galing UK. hindi ukay ukay, totoong united kingdom.
sa buwan din ito nawala ang telepono ko. ang nakakatawa pa (na hindi ulit ako natatawa) mga ilang linggo bago siya mawala, pinagmamalaki ko sa mga ka-opisina ko na sa tagal din ng pagaaral ko sa taft, hindi pa ko nadukutan.
sabi ng destiny sakin
"umm! gago!"

hunyo
isa lang ata ang highlight ng hunyo ko ngayong taon. umuwi nanay ko mula sa estados unidos. ayun. dumaguete nanaman. sabi ko nga
"i've been dumaguete-d"
naks, imbento ng mga ganun. ayun, dahil bago pa lang ako sa kumpanya, nag leave without pay tuloy ako. isang linggo din yun. halos mag-amok ako nung nakita ko payslip ko.
birthday ni daryll, bunso kong kapatid. isama mo na rin si japs at si pedro.

hulyo
eto wala pa ring masyadong nangyayari. pero madalas nitong mga panahong ito, laging nasa bahay mga ka-opisina ni yuri. oks naman at least di na nalulungkot si yuri. nag-emote kasi siya sa trabaho niya, tinatamad na daw siya. heniwey, ayun nood pa rin kami ng nood ng sine. mga ganon ganon lang.
birthday din ng tatay ko. ika-27.

agosto
ayun, tong buwan na to, nagbonding na talaga kami ng mga ka-opisina ko. astig.
dito ko ring naramadaman na gusto ko pa rin pala yung dati kong pang gusto. nakaka-sad.

setyembre
hala, ito yung una at huli kong vblog. haha. o, wag niyo na i-check dahil mapipikon nanaman kayo(ng tatlong nagbabasa nito). at dahil may remnant pa rin ng nakaraang buwan tungkol sa mga bagay bagay ng love life, ayun, kumontinue pa siya sa buwan na to. at alam ko na '
daw' ang gusto ko. pfft.
death anniv ng tatay ko. ika-29.
oktubre
naging maganda ang pasok ng buwang ito. at kung gano kaganda ang pasok nito, ganun din ang kinapangit ng pagpapalit nito. dito na ko nagsimulang magtanong, mag isip, at mag duda. dito ko na rin nalaman na ganun na nga. birthday ko pa naman sa katapusan ng buwang ito. nagkatotoo na ang kinatakot ko sa umpisa ng taon.
birthday rin nila tracy at ni michelle.

nobyembre
syempre, continuation lang siya ng katatapos lang na buwan. ayun, tumuloy tuloy na ang naramdaman ko. ewan ko ba kasi kung bakit ganito, kung bakit kailangang ganun. tanginang fate to, sabi ko kailangan ko ng love life, hindi ng sakit ng ulo. ang alam ko magkaiba pa rin ang definition nun eh. sumakit na rin ang dibdib ko. umiwas ako sa kape. nalaman ko rin na may naghintay sakin, nalunod na ko sa kawalan at kalungkutan ng panahong ito.
dito ko nagawa ang di ko inakalang magagawa ko. ang magsulat tungkol dito.
dito na rin nagsimula ang pakiramdam ng pagiging mag-isa.
napalitan ko na rin ang template ko for 3 years.

disyembre
ito na ang naging comeback ng 2005 ko. tangena. ito na siguro ang pinaka malala kong pagtatapos ng taon. pagod, puyat, pagiisip, pagaalinlangan, pagdududa, at pagtatanong. lahat yun sa buwan na ito.
nalaman ko rin na aalis na pala si yuri papuntang cebu. 6 months lang naman daw. pero di na ata ako sanay/di ko na ata gusto ang maging mag isa. pero siyempre, hindi naman ako nampigil. umalis na siya nung 27 =,(
at tuluyan na kong magiging mag isa sa anim na buwan. dasal ko lang talaga, bumalik siya sa ika anim na buwan. dasal ko rin na lumipas na ang anim na buwan nang di ko nalalaman. ilang beses ko na rin binalikan ang anim na buwan at inisip kung gano katagal yun. at naisip ko na, tangena, ang tagal niya. nakakatakot.
hindi natanggal ng pagsasayaw
(tanggal na rin ang kahihiyan ko sa katawan) sa harap ng madla ang lungkot ng pamamaalam pansamantala sa isang kaibigan.
dito ko rin naisip at nasambit ng malakas ang linyang nagpaiyak sakin:
"lahat nalang ng mga taong malapit sakin, iniiwan ako."

nasimulan ko na ang countdown.



Thursday, December 27, 2007

kahit na ano pa

mamimiss kita.

wala ka na.

babay.

sandaling panahon lang naman, pero parang ang tagal kung bibilangin.

sana nga makita mo yung gusto mong makita diyan.

babalik ka ah?

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

sandali
nalang
at ang
ugat ay
dadampi na
sa lupa.

gahol na
sa oras
ngunit tila
nananadya
ang mga bulaklak
sa pagbuka
at pagsibol.

malapit na,
ngunit ang lupa
ay uhaw pa rin
sa pangako
ng tag-ulan.



Wednesday, December 19, 2007

the time is slowly coming
when i face the unwanted music
life has set for me.

every tick of the clock
becomes painfully fast
yet cruel and slow.

in agony, i cover my ears
i seek comfort
in silence
and in my inaction.

but it's steady beat
forces itself
through my very core.
its rhythm, pushes me
every beat, pulsates
with pompous reminders
of the hours gone by.

slowly,
everything has gained new meaning.
every word spoken,
every moment spent
rewards me
with wanton remembrance.

and my legs begin to give in,
my hands falter,
my words stutter.

in the flurry of all confusion,
through the constant distress,
i will force myself here
until i can no longer feel.
until i can no longer remember.

everything in reckless abandon.

tick... tock...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

pag-ahon

naalala mo ba yung dating nag co-contest kayo ng patagalan ng walang hinga sa ilalim ng tubig? naalala mo yung pakiramdam ng nung hihinga ka ng malalim habang hinahanda mo yung sarili mo sa paglublob sa ilalim ng tubig?

kasi alam mo na kailangan matagal kang di makahinga. kailangan mas matagal ka sa ilalim ng tubig, kailangan marami kang mahigop na hangin na kakayanin ng baga mo.

tapos naalala mo rin ba yung eksaktong pagkakataon na nasa kalagitnaan ka ng paglanghap ng hangin at ng pagbaba ng mukha mo sa tubig? naalala mo rin ba yung eksaktong pagkakataon na babasagin na ng iyong pagbaba ang mala-plastik na ibabaw ng tubig. yung plastik na yun ang tanging naghihiwalay sa kumportableng hangin sa malamig na ilalim ng tubig. naalala mo ba?

tapos syempre, dahil paggalingan ito, makikita mo nalang ang sarili mo sa ilalim na ng tubig ng walang halong pagdadalawang isip. segundo lang ang nilipas pero halos nakalimutan mo na ang pinakamalalim na paglanghap ng hangin na ginawa mo sa buong buhay mo. naalala mo rin ba yung pagkakataon na pakikiramdaman mo muna ang tubig bago mo unti-unting ibinubuka ang mga talukap ng mata mo. tapos makikita mo ang mga kakumpetensya mo sa ilalim ng tubig. pare-pareho kayong mukhang tanga kasi nagpipigil kayo ng hininga - nakakunot ang noo, halos nakapikit ang mata, at pilit na sinasara ang mga labi habang nakaipon ang hangin sa loob ng mga bibig.

dahan dahan mo ring kakalmahin ang sarili mo - kasi iniisip mo dapat di ka muna mapagod. kasabay nun, dahan dahan mo lang na ilalabas ang hangin sa bibig mo.
alam mo na yung sikreto ngayon - dapat dahan dahan, dapat maglalabas ka rin ng hangin ng paunti-unti.

ayun, tapos ok ka na. mga ilang minuto ka ring kumportable sa ganung sitwasyon.

hanggang sa unti-unti mo ring naramdaman na parang nauubusan ka na ata ng hiningang papakawalan mula sa iyong bibig.

" sige lang, " sabi mo sa sarili mo

" kaya ko pa. "

hanggang sa parang may nararamdaman ka nang tumutusok sa mga kalamnan mo. una pa isa isa, tapos pa-sampu-sampu. tapos sandali lang, parang isang-libong karayom na nag tumutusok sa bawat sulok ng katawan mo.

" teka lang," sabi mo ulit, habang pinikit mo nalang ang mata mo sa sakit

" sandali na lang... "

hanggang sa huling sandali, pipilitin mo talagang huwag munang umahon. kung alam mo lang, bibigay na talaga ang katawan mo. wala ka na ring kapangyarihang baliktarin ang ang gagawin ng katawan mo - aahon at aahon siya.

naalala mo ba yun? yung eksaktong pagkakataon na madalian mong iaahon ang buong katawan mo? naalala mo yung pakiramdam nun?

tapos pagdating mo sa taas, bigla ka nalang mapapalanghap muli ng hangin. mararamdaman mo buhay ka pa pala. sing bilis din nito yung pagkawala ng sanglibong karayom na tumutusok sayo. gagawin mo yung pinakamalalim mong pag-hinga, halos nakalimutan mo na nga na paggalingan pala ang pinasok mo sa umpisa pa lang.

tapos malalaman mo, ikaw nalang pala yung gumawa nun. sa sandali mong pagpikit sa ilalim ng tubig, naisipan pala ng mga kaibigan mo na iwan ka nalang doon. panalo ka nga, dahil ikaw lang ang kasali.

naalala mo ba?

___________________

some pics from our ghetto party. and after party "MMK" moments in the park.

co, shei, me, mai, jons, cathy

after the party, we decided to bide our time in, guess what, the park right in front of our office. so we went to mini-stop to get some food

nice arse that guy wearing red. lol. on our way to ministop. papparazzi. tsss.

my pissed-off-look in the park

fooling around. yeah i'm wearing my under shirt. it was quite warm that night. weird.

fooling around II.

Monday, December 10, 2007

when cats roamed tiendesitas

so here are the pictures from the cats musicale presentation that we did last thursday.

click pic to direct you to my multiply page

and here too are the pictures that we have from our christmas party on the same day. yeah, it's as if i didn't do any muscle stretching and booty swaying just a few minutes ago. hehe. click on the pic again to direct you to my multiply page.


enjoy.

ciao!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

its so easy to tell someone to stop holding on to something. its so easy to tell someone that it would do him more harm if he continues to grab on the very thing that hurts him. but what if you were the very person holding on to that rope? what if, you were the person who is trying so hard to not let go of that rope that holds your life?

you couldn't even say you're hurting to save your life. you couldn't even tell the person that it hurts so much to see the person go. you couldn't even tell the person that maybe you cannot even think about it.

as much as you would want to make sense, words elude your mouth. reasons, explanations, and logic escape you. you try but you are still wishing that if you don't say it out loud, reality would not come. and you still hope that even if it does, it wouldn't hurt as much. though you know that it would. and you know that it is.

so what now? all that is left is you and that rope. it's the only thing that holds your life.

i wish i could let go. i'm counting.

1...


2...


3...

Monday, December 3, 2007

getting home

i just came home from our department's musicale rehearsal for the christmas party. it's tiring but it's a welcome thing. after months on end of reminding them that they can ask me to do anything for the christmas party except dance, they decided to give me a solo act. a freaking jazz number solo act. i can just barf now.
now my leg muscles are aching from this once-in-a-lifetime stretching and bouncing around and jumping and dancing of sorts.

after the practice, i decided to walk instead. i thought to myself that i'd rather be walking aimlessly around legazpi village than be home and stare at the computer monitor. i rarely watch tv nowadays, it bores me.

so i walked home.

as i walked, i saw thousands of glittering lights sprawling across each building. i hated the coming holidays even more. i even hate the coming 2-week off. what am i supposed to do? where am i supposed to go? who am i supposed to spend it with? talk with?
i passed through bars full of people chatting. and i wonder, what are their lives like? how much would i want to be in their places right now? and how much would i want my life to change?
i passed through empty streets with dull street lamps. i wonder, am i this street? are there street lamps that illuminate my being?
i also happen to pass by streets with jeepneys waiting for the commuters. rush hour was almost over. i see only a handful of people in line - they probably went over time. i wonder, am i just being this jeepney? just going through their fixed routes the whole day? am i just inviting people in and watching them leave? do i even care to stop when they say they'll be getting off on the next corner?

for a moment, i wanted to dream. i dreamt about one of the glittering buildings collapse. i wanted the bars to be empty - serving nothing but spoons and forks, and goblets and glasses. i want those streets to burst with life and color and nothing left of the dim sepia that it glows with. the jeepneys should also not have a fixed route. they should go where they want to and change direction in the course of their destination. most of all, i also want them to stop on the curb when i say "para mama, bababa na ako"

ciao



Sunday, December 2, 2007

randomness

these past few days, i try to go out with friends as much as i can. when i'm with them, i try to forget about everything that bothers me. i laugh until my head aches. i smile until my cheeks hurt. i talk until my throat dries. i listen to them until i'm too tired.

but i dread the events after that. i know i must come home. though i really want to be home, i still fear going home. i fear that i'll be with myself again. i fear that i'll be facing everything alone again. i fear that i'll deal with myself all alone again.
the solitude i once loved has now become my nightmare. the still night that once relaxes me has now been agitating me, confusing me. i no longer enjoy the night and my solitude. in fact, i am terrified of it.

_______________

the doctor prescribed two meds for me. one, for my palpitations and the other, to make me relax and sleep. i religiously follow the doctor's prescription. but my research told me that one of the meds i am taking is somewhat addictive and may cause withdrawal syndromes. so i try my best to just take it whenever i "feel" i really have to.
i'm guessing it's working for me right now.

_______________

right now, the only thing running through my thoughts is the desire to be so seriously hurt that i become so sick of my misery and do something to get out of it. my desire is to feel so low that there is just no other way but to feel better.


and i desire to be free from these shackles that contain, crush, and break my spirit.

i will.

i will.

i will.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

advice giver, advice seeker

i thought of not continuing in posting this because the conversation is a little too private. but my friend told me that i should push through with it. which i gladly obliged.

anyway, backgrounder: my friend was depressed for a little while now. we exchange IM's once in a while to unload some pent up emotions. i asked my friend the reason for his/her anger and told him/her to just let it out. which he/she did. turned out to be one of the best conversations i had in years.

** this is taken straight from the window and i had little patience editing it :) **

thought bubble: i just hope i can take my own advice. it's so easy for me to share advices when, sometimes, i can't even do it. :-(

(his/her text in red)

well i hate Him for taking my dad. i hate Him for making my life like this. i hate him for not giving me a chance to say sorry and make up my mistakes sa dad ko. i hate him dahil yung mga plans nya is bullshit.
sabi nila may purpose sa bawat galaw nya, wala akong nkikitang purpose.

i hate him for making a perfect relationship fail. i hate her for cheating on me. i hate her for still loving me even though she's with someone else now. i hate her bcoz she cant move on. i hate her kasi pinaglaban ko sya sa buong pamilya ko.. sinaktan ko tatay ko, nirisk ko yung relationship namin ng dad ko for her and this is what i get?

i hate myself for doing every stupid thing i did. i hate myself for not having a good relationship with my dad who gave me everything.

AND I HATE THE FACT THAT I CANT TURN BACK TIME AND DO THINGS THE RIGHT WAY ALL OVER AGAIN.
IM LOSING IT BRY.

di kona kya.. gsto ko ng pumutok... ayoko na


He took your dad because his mission is done

no! what mission???

He took your dad because he loves him and he doesn't want him to get hurt by the world anymore. his mission is to be a good father, a good provider, a good person. he did everything he can to be that.

no bry.. u know himdi tottoo yan...

he might lack some things that others cannot understand. but we are all humans. humans are doomed for mistakes. but the good thing about it is he was able to do good things to make up for it.

i spent my whole life w/o my father by my side. alam mo yan. he only gave me a year to be with him. and that year was even rough for us.

every father has to do the things he thinks he can to provide best for his family.

hindi lng kasi yung pag pprovide ang kailngan ko eh! lagi nman yan ang cnasabi sa akin bry

and he also believed that you'd turn out to be a better person, and we all appreciate that. because in his heart, he only wants everyone around him especially his family to be well taken care of.

di pa nya ako inantay kahit sa ICU lng bry,,, just for me to talk to him while he was breathing

love can be demonstrated in many ways. love can be spending time. love can be providing things. love can be many things.
he believed that love he gave for your family. his spirit wanted to say goodbye to you but his body failed him

no bry..

and as much as he would want to make his body better, it would only be difficult for him

people who are dying can wait.. they control everything

because if he says goodbye forever, it will only break him more

if they wanna go they will..

he loves you that much. he saw that you were decided to make a better life for yourself. and that was his dream for you - to be responsible and to learn how to take care of yourself. the mind may be thinking of another thing but humans are contained in their bodies. no matter what others say, we could only go so far as our physical bodies will permit us.

bry, ayaw ba nya ako makita magtapos? ayaw ba nya akong mkita ikasal ako? ayaw ba nyang makita what i'll be in 10 yrs?

he wanted to so much. and he will. and he will be forever happy if he sees you happy, too. your father left you when you were headstrong to become fully responsible and mature. and i believe you would not fail him.
saying goodbye is awful. saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do especially knowing that that is the last goodbye you'll ever say. but in this life, we have to say goodbye.
your father is happy where he is now. i think that is the last lesson he wants to teach you - and that is learning how to let go. let go of the material things that hold you back. let go of the friendships that you lost. let go of the situations that have hurt you. let go of the many things that causes you pain. let go of the people you love.
because it is only in letting go that you are given the chance and the power to finally say goodbye and start anew. it is in letting go that you truly demonstrate your love to that person that you wouldn't hold the person back.

it is in letting go that makes you stronger than you are. holding on to history holds us back because we all know that life goes on. if you're holding back, you're holding back the time that can give you the opportunity to be happy, to be content, to love, to be loved, and to be at peace with what happened.

i want to cry so hard. but i just can't

like i said, it's hard.

i dont wna say na "yeah ok.. i forgive them, ill move on. ill let go" when the truth is, i dont. i wont

yes that is the reality. you have to give it time. you just have to. but as they say, time heals all wounds

how long will it take??

nobody can say

pagod na pgod na ako bry

maybe until you are strong enough, then thats how long it is

panu ka nakamove on kay tito??

honestly, i dont know too. but i know it took a lot of prayers. i was never the perfect son kaya nahirapan din ako. in fact, nag away pa kami on that fateful day. buti have to forgive myself and give it time.

i cnt pray bry yun nga masakit nun bry eh. we were not in good terms when he left. i feel everythings a karma. i think he took him bcoz of me. maybe to realize things; to realize how important he is in my life.. for me to learn how to live w/o him.
i feel so guilty

do you think god really hurts people to learn their lesson?!

if only i cud turn back the time.. i dunno bry.. im taking this in a different way i guess. or i just stil cant accept the fact na he's gone

i know and i understand. the pain and the hurt is just too much sometimes

my once happy life is gone

it is not gone. it only means that a chapter of your life needs continuance.
write it. we write your own destiny. and i know you will.


=== i asked my friend to watch this video ===

lam ko nman lahat yan bry.. msyado lng tlgang malalim yung pinaggagalingan

yeah i know. kailagnan mo lang paalalahanan. to tell you honestly, this weekend was my lowest. buti nalang nakausap ko mommy ko. and natauhan ako.

wla akong means.

we all do.

i feel so alone here.
alone, stupid, angry... parang feeling ko never ending

yeah. i understand naman eh. gawin mong reinforcement yang lungkot mo. you still have your mother. no matter what you say, you still have her.

nandito nga si mami pero wla din sya lagi sa isip. di makapagtrabaho. laging may sakit. laging malungkot. laging frustrated. laging nagse-self pity. di ko alam kung san pa ako huhugot ng lakas ng loob. everyone's down.. lahat bagsak. lahat parang pagod n pagod. parang wlang mgyyri sa buhay nmin. hindi na magiging katulad ng dati when my dad was alive.
everything changed. im so tired na bry.. maybe bcoz of crying

stop for a minute. take a look around.

what? i have nothing

you said everything around you is down. so you better pick up the sword and wage your own battles. help one casualty at a time. but remember to help yourself first before you try to carry others.

its so hard bry..

yeah i know. hindi naman madali eh. alam ko naman yun. life is never easy.

just thinking about my problems,,, wla pa yung solutions ha. mahirap na

eh kasi sabi mo nga diba your'e looking at your problems. you know about it already. stop looking at the problem and start trying out solutions.
alam mo yung pag math problem diba. nose bleed siya talaga. dahil pagod ka na mag isip, titignan mo nalang siya ng titignan.
but the question is, would you wait for the bell to ring? or is it better to look at the book, on how its supposed to be done? or remember what was written on the board, when you were solving the problem with the class? or would it better for you to solve it together with a friend?
gets mo naman diba

copy from others

then do it! life is not fair so you make your own rules. but you must remember, naka-set ang exam. so different problem yung nasayo. iba iba kayo ng problems.

solving with a friend?

(in fairness, i like that metaphor! haha!)

yeah i liked it too. wla nman akong friend.

then think of your friends. a friend is someone you get to know. someone who is more than an acquaintance

kaya nga

so sa dami ng tao jan, the chances of you making friends are endless. and you have us pa kaya!

how can u guys help me then?? e ang layo2 nyo. argh,,,,

what am i doing here?

giving sermons
hehehee

haha im not! im trying to help you - being your sounding board. im helping you realize that no matter what's happening, you are still lucky.
you have a roof on your head, you have a mother. your father might be gone, but imagine the kids who never knew their fathers? who never knew their mothers? who never experienced material things? who never went to school? who never knew love from parents?
diba? in more ways than one, you are still lucky. we are still lucky!

yeah.. lam ko..

so you still have your tools. as tools you have to learn how to use it. so you better start practicing it now bago sila mangalawang or bago pa mawala ang lahat ng yan

bry.. grabe mga examples mo ha..

o diba nasapian ako! haha!

san mo nakukuha nanman yan? frustrated writer?? wow.. thanks for the words of wisdom then,,

pero you have to see what im saying

i did..

ive been there and again, i know that it hurts

a little relieved btw...


yay! good! just pray. bibigyan ka niya ng sagot. pramis!

when? after 10 yrs.. pag maayos na yung buhay ko, when i can stand on my own.. n people begin to say its all in his plan??
like every story... ryt?

its up to you. 10 years can be 20, 30. but it can also be 1 month. a week.

lets put it dis way... he'll give me an ans in his time? tama ako noh???

cummon..


i dont believe that eh. what i believe is he always gives us answers. we just dont want to see/try/acknowledge it

an2k na ako bry thanks for the time buti na lng nandyan ka.

im always here. were all here


--------

so it ends there.

ciao!


Thursday, November 15, 2007

i walked through streets today
amidst the pulse of the crowd
the constant buzz all around
the rain won't stop

i see through people's eyes
they were empty, what a pity
not a flicker of light, not a soul
and the rain won't stop

i run though the floods
i run through the cold
slowly, steadily, it catches me inside
and i know

the rain won't stop
and i cry a little each time
my tears wouldn't dry
and i die on every raindrop
tell me, who feels fine

i saw us dancing today
i know i saw us fly
through the gushing winds
the raging storms
oh, the rain won't stop

the rain won't stop
as we both shared love
it was starless that night
so you went and took flight

who wants make believe?
i thought you too want it real
wouldn't you just agree
just to please be with me.

will the rain ever stop
as my tears hide from each drop

so i'll pray each time,
that the rain won't stop.

____

Sunday, November 11, 2007

retreat

taking a chance on temporary un-solitude and jap's advice, my friends and i went out last night for dinner. i was a bit hesitant because i was totally over-budget (at nanglilimahid na ko sa kahirapan Ü).

as per karen's advice, drew picked me up first then we went to karen's. we were in greenbelt in less than 15 minutes. there, we met macky (who was wearing skinny jeans LOL) and kathy (who was wearing (sic) panty na may butones). we then, went around the new greenbelt 5 to look for a place to eat. we looked around and after a survey of the restaurants, we finally settled in La Maison. Actually, nagmakaawa kasi yung host na dun na kami kumain hehehe.

anyway, so after quite a long time it took for us to order (patawa kasi ng patawa si kathy, hindi makausap ng matino hehehe), we finally ordered some gambas for appetizer, "barkada" ribs and seafood alfredo pasta.


and surprise, surprise! after a few minutes, a plate of creamy mussels came to our table together with 3 loaves of rye bread with balsamic vinegar. camon camon! (kathy: OA AMBILIS NAMAN NG ORDER NATIN!) so we cancelled our order.

just kidding.

we were so loud that night and i only realized that we were when i realized there were no background music or anything. so the table next to us would easily hear our ka-jologan talk (HAHAHAHA... TANGENA MO... GAGO... AHAHAHAHA... PAPATAY AKO NG TAO... mga ganitong level ng kaingayan).


*click all pics to enlarge*

so anyway, nagpakabusog naman kami sa tinapay ni binigay samin. sinawsaw pa namin dun sa pagkadami daming sauce ng creamy mussels. then, the appetizer came, then followed by the biggest ribs i've ever seen in my entire life. it was like a lechon platter! right there in front of us was the biggest slab of the softest ribs. haaayyy... and o, the seafood alfredo came as well.

the restaurant is just on their soft opening so there were still quite a lot of things to work on/finish. i appreciate their complimentary dish, which was really a hefty portion. interiors were good too, though i've seen that already. food was really good but still a little too pricey. however, the most commendable thing about La Maison is their staff. Servers were really helpful in the selection of our food and they were really nice. kudos to robie. hehe.


(wait i'm tamad to type everything here na, fast forward)
anne and greg followed and ordered pasta. and since anne knew the manager, another platter of ribs came. waaah.

after dinner, we went to kroc to just relax a bit. they ordered sml but i guess i was sick of it so i just ordered long island. very good and funny conversations followed. we stayed until 2 and called the night (let's call it tonight! mwehehehe)

dumaan pa kami ng coffee nila drew and karen after. we only stayed a few minutes and went home.

thanks kathy, macky, anne, karen, drew, greg for a great night... again.

ciao!


----------------
Now playing: Alanis Morissette - That I Would Be Good (unplugged)
via FoxyTunes

oo na. nahihirapan na ako. hindi ko na alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman dahil ang feeling ko ngayon, nasa emotional rollercoaster ako. may oras na OK ako pero mas madalas ang oras na nag iisip ako at...
ang alam ko lang, sinabi kong tapos na. ang alam ko lang, sinabi ko pipilitin ko. ang alam ko lang, sabi ko tatanggapin ko. pero hindi ko sinabi na hindi na kita mamahalin.

Friday, November 9, 2007

same mistake

james blunt we meet again.

So while I'm turning in my sheets
And once again, I cannot sleep
Walk out the door and up the street
Look at the stars beneath my feet
Remember rights that I did wrong
So here I go

Hello, hello

There is no place I cannot go
My mind is muddy but
My heart is heavy, does it show
I lose the track that loses me
So here I go

And so I sent some men to fight,
And one came back at dead of night,
said "Have you seen my enemy?"
said "he looked just like me"
So I set out to cut myself
And here I go

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again,

And maybe someday we will meet
And maybe talk and not just speak
Don't buy the promises 'cause
There are no promises I keep,
and my reflection troubles me
so here I go

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
Give me reason, but don't give me choice,
Cos I'll just make the same mistake again

So while I'm turning in my sheets

And once again, I cannot sleep

Walk out the door and up the street

Look at the stars

Look at the stars, falling down,

And I wonder where, did I go wrong.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

new look

as you might have noticed, i changed my template after almost three years.

with these changes, you can now leave comments, see tags, and much more which i will try to add in the coming days.

i also left the usual things that you (all 5 of you) are used to like the tagboard, sound section, moon phases (though i know you really don't care about that hehe), and all 3 or 4 years in my blog archive.

don't forget to leave me a comment on what you think and vote! hehe..

feel free to roam around.

ciao!


----------------
Now playing: Alanis Morissette - Crazy
via FoxyTunes

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

by the way

these happened.


dinner

and of course, we went to papa.




click to enlarge


ciao

----------------
Now playing: Jewel - Foolish Games
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, November 4, 2007

things you should do

i'll tell you a secret. whenever you have a chance to selfgovernment-imposed long weekends, spend it at home doing absolutely nothing. i swear, those three or four days will seem forever. bore yourself with making faces in front of the mirror. look at your ceiling and pick the color that you want to paint it with. again the secret is not to act on it. watch tv until your fingers hurt in switching channels. imagine where you're supposed to be right at that moment when the picture on tv become hazy. sit in front of the computer and read people's blogs until you realize that you are half-stalking them. look at how many people are online and read all their stats. click the stat if it has a link. look at the pile of clothes laying on the floor. play with your hands and imagine the clothes folding itself and walking straight to the hamper. count the number of shoes that you have and make a mental list of the shoe that needs to be washed. turn your stereos on and blast it to full volume. dance. sing. lip-sync in front of the mirror. be crazy.

but never, never, never think about your life and how it has become. never think of anything that has something to do with how, what, and why you are feeling the way you are feeling. never do the things just mentioned WHILE chugging on alcohol.

never.

Friday, November 2, 2007

love etc.

love is acknowledging hurt. love is knowing pain. love is defining fear. for how would we know light when we haven't stumbled in the dark? how would we appreciate sweetness when we haven't tasted sourness? and how would we truly experience love when we haven't been bruised, scarred, and hurt?

love, sometimes, is a losing game. but in my life, these are what i have come to know: love is continuing to love even if in the end you know that it might just not work - you have no choice but to go on. love grips you in every way possible - you have no chance of escape. love defies logic, sense, and scientific and mathematical formulas and equations - it just wouldn't make sense. love is getting ready to be hurt - inspite of the knowledge that you are tired of it all. love is accepting pain for what it is - you learn not to give up, you learn raise your tolerance for it. love is the gnawing feeling of fear but still, you submit to it - for you know that love, though fleeting, would make you human. love is the biggest sacrifice - you can forget everything you have built for years just for a chance of love. love is accepting the person inspite of the many flaws the person has - for you know that at the end of the day, it's those imperfections in that person that you actually long for. loving selflessly, as you have been taught, is not right. you have to leave something for yourself. but love just conquers every inch of you, the smallest whisp of your soul, the very fiber of your being.

you only know that you love when you have been hurt, when you are in pain, and when you acknowledge that it would eventually end. everything is temporal. everything is fleeting.

intimidating as it may sound, we still love because of and most of all, inspite of.

ciao...

Monday, October 29, 2007

when i'm bored i..

i just thought i'd answer this because of boredom. i read the entire thing before i answered and found it very senseless. whoever invented this should be burned at the stake. but still, it's an almost-entertaining way to bide my time.

so at what age should i marry?

TAKE THIS QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT
YOUR MARRYING AGE IS:

I know how to make a cup of coffee.
I keep track of dates using a calendar.
I own more than one credit card.
I know how to change the oil in my car/bike.
I do my own laundry.
I vote every election.
I can cook for myself.
I think politics are exciting.
I balance my checkbook.
My parents have better things to say than my friends.

total: 4

I show up for school/college/work everyday early.
I always carry a pen in my pocket/purse
I've never gotten a detention.
I have never smoked a cigarette.
I have never gotten completely trashed.
I have forgotten my own birthday at least once.
I like to take walks by myself.
I've watched talk shows.
I know what 'credibility ' means without looking it up.
I drink coffee at least once a week.

total: 6

I know how to do the dishes
I can count 1 to 10 in another language.
When I say I'm going to do something I do it
My parents trust me.
I can mow the lawn.
I can make adults laugh without being stupid.
I remember to water the plants.
I study when I have to.
I pay attention at school/college .
I remember to feed my pets.

total: 8

I can spell 'experience ' without looking it up
I work out on a regular basis.
I clean up my own mess.
The people at Gloria Jeans know me by name.
my favorite kind of food is takeout.
I have gained weight since middle/high school.
The first thing I do when I wake up is get caffeine.
I cant go out of the store without getting something I don't need.
I understand political jokes the first time they are said.
I can type quickly.

tota l: 6

I have realized that the weather forecast changes every hour.
My only friends are from my place of employment.
I have been to a tupperware party
I have realized that no one will take you seriously unless you are over the age of 25 and have a job.
I have more bills that I can pay.
Most of my friends are older than I am.
I can say no to staying out all night.
I use the internet every day.
My wardrobe hasn't changed in awhile.
I can read a book and actually finish it.

total: 6

add up all the numbers and repost
this as: MY MARRYING AGE IS...30


ang stupid diba? haha!

ciao!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

out of my mind

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I don't need no alibi - I'm a puppet on a string.
I just need this stage to be seen.
We all need a pantomime to remind us what is real.
Hold my eye and know what it means.

I'm out of my mind.

Judging by the look on the organ-grinder,
He'll judge me by the fact that my face don't fit.
It's touching that the monkey sits on my shoulder.
He's waiting for the day when he gets me,
But I won't be your concubine - I'm a puppet not a whore.
I just need this stage to be seen.
Won't you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real?
Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.

I'm out of my mind.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

chico de cumpleaños

so, at exactly 1030 this morning, i officially turned 22.

ok 23.

fine, 24. and that's my final answer.

i wanted to go sentimental and maybe do something creative about it. but, as usual, i was quite lazy to do it. the day is over. as of writing, it's already 6:12pm. i haven't done anything "birthday-ey" or anything close to celebrating it. if sleeping in the afternoon is celebrating, then i had made a big celebration out of it.

i just remembered the movie i watched with friends the other day (perfume: the story of a murderer) i just wish i was THAT passionate about something that i'd be miserable if i can't have it. i also wish that i could just live the moment while carefully planning every move that i make towards that end goal. stop.

my god, i remember that i always say during interviews that my goal is to become a millionaire by age 30. uhh hello, i'm not even worth 12 thousand right now. LOLsss... *cries*
haha. every minute, every day, that goal gets bleaker and bleaker, if there's such a word.

ps. this post goes without saying that you should watch Perfume: The Story of a Murderer.
and of course greet me on my failure to find the fountain of youth.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

song of the moment

i like. la lang. =P



I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time i see your bubbly face
i get the tinglies in a silly place

C: It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin dry and warm
you give me feelings that i adore

it starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

[Bubbly lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

But what am i gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmm

Starts in my toes
makes me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

da da da da da da da da bu dum da dum da dum da da dum ...mmmmmm

I've been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight.

Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go...

Saturday, October 13, 2007

2 points

"pakikisama" is one of the many traits that's unique to the filipinos. it is being accommodating to the request of your peers so everyone somehow gets their way and becomes happy and satisfied. it is also being selfless for the sake of many. however, it is a far cry from being a "martyr."
sana lang matuto ang mga tao sa paligid ko ng pakikisama. i am not asking much, but i hope we all realize that since we are all in the same boat and we are all somehow uncomfortable with some situations, it will be for the good of all if we practice this.

being gracious and polite is also another thing.
saying "please" and "thank you" is one of the many things that i am conscious of. i am not imposing this. i just hope that courtesy, politeness - even if uncalled for - and graciousness becomes a normal thing for all.

pasensya na, minsan kasi nakakainis ang mga taong ganun. ganun ka ba?

para sa iyo

para sa'yo

maraming salamat sa oras at panahon na ibinigay mo. natutuwa ako na kahit papaano, naisip ko na ang oras na iginugol ko sa'yo ay hindi nasayang.
hayaan mo, kahit hindi ko masasabi sa ngayon, marahil sa takdang panahon, lahat tayo ay sasaya at marahil, makuha rin ang mga gusto.

muli, maraming salamat at natutuwa akong nakilala kita.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

fun... until the last part

my friend jen and i we're chatting over ym. and as usual we're talking about our lives and our love life (the lack of it). this one's funny, thought i should share it with you.

(i was telling her that she should find it easier in london because as a pinay, mas exotic siya dun kesa dito. ergo, more boys for her...)

jenjen: lahat ata ng tae dito 'exotic' eh
jenjen: potah
bry: haha
bry: eh di magpa itim ka pa lalo
bry: or magpaka eccentric ka
bry: or since nasa london ka na rin, pa class ka nalang
bry: yung tipong mall lang pupunthan mo, naka cocktail dress ka
jenjen: haha
jenjen: gaga
bry: so anong plano dapat natin?

** long pause**

jenjen: uh..
bry: hahaaha
jenjen: ang walang kamatayang pag-aantay
bry: parang navisualize ko yung reaction natin pareho
bry: hahahahahahahahhahahah
jenjen: na ;it will come' shit
jenjen: aha
bry: nag isip talaga tapos napatingin sa taas
jenjen: ahahah
bry: hahahahahahahahha
jenjen: hahaha
bry: tapos sobrang clueless
jenjen: nakita mo ko?
jenjen: hahahahaha
bry: in my mind yes
bry: hahahahahahahah
jenjen: asteeeg
jenjen: haha
bry: APIR ULIT!
jenjen: APIR!
bry: taena
bry: tayong mga sawi
bry: =3
jenjen: hay naku
bry: puta parang etits naman yung smiley na yun
jenjen: hahaha
jenjen: basto
jenjen: s
bry: c=3
bry: hahahahahahahahahahahhaha
jenjen: ahahahahahahahahha
jenjen: sira!!!
bry: may ulo na
bry: di lang betlog
bry: hahahaha
jenjen: hahahaha
jenjen: anuba!
bry: try to think of it, nakakatawa yung word na "betlog"
bry: ulitin mo lang ng ulitn, betlog
bry: betlog
jenjen: teka..iniisip ko kung lalabas pa ko..
bry: c'mon say it with me
jenjen: betlog
bry: betlog
bry: APIR!
jenjen: betlog
bry: hahahahah
jenjen: APIR!
jenjen: tae!
bry: LOL
bry: SOBRANG LOL
jenjen:
jenjen: lalabas pa kaya ako?
bry: teka ibblog ko tong convo na to
bry: hahaha
bry: wag na
jenjen: mm..
bry: di nga, ibblog ko to
bry: intayin mo
jenjen: wag na
jenjen: nakakahiya

funny no?! hehe.

++++++++++++

in other news, it was my father's death anniv last sept. 29. Nine years! i couldn't believe it was THAT long ago already. haaay... tumatanda na nga ako. sana lang may pinagkakatandaan.

and i wanna (greet is SO not the word here but) send my shoutout (?) to my friend whose dad's death anniv was yesterday, oct. 2.

'till the next ish guys. see ya!

ciao!