just a post

just a post

hullo. i'm blogging just to get this posted. i'm still having second-guesses with my work. whatever. who doesn't experience that. but i'm ok. to those of you who are getting worried every minute, well not exactly, just concerned, i'm OK. just wanted to get pent up emotions out of my systems and let it out in the open. and thank you for the pat on the back. greatly appreciated. :)

segue to: the pictures in my phone. had to remove most of the pics because my memory card is crap. in which case, 4 pictures on my blog. i know i'm totally senseless now because my fingers are the only ones moving. blaaahhh yadda yaddaaaaa...

ruffa, here is the pic that you wanted.

this is eros and myself. and that is not a metaphor of some sort. it's her real name. but, i wanna share with you a funny story. we wear name plates. her name plate says MARIZ. she's eros. i asked her if that's her real name. she said no. turns out they just ran out of name plates and couldn't make a new one so they just gave her mariz's (whoever she is) name plate. funny, no? hahaha... and eros brightens my day everyday. magkalevel kami ng katarantaduhan at kagaguhan nyahahahaha... and no. not an item. she's more like... my pet. hahaha joke lang eros!

she's christine. one of the nicest people you'll meet. cheerful one, too!

doesn't show in the pic, though. bad photographer, bad photographer!

yun lang po. bow.

ciao!

pagmulat ni fernan

pagmulat ni fernan

imumulat ko ang aking mga mata.
nais ko sanang makakita.
gigisingin ko ang aking diwa
sa pagiisip na ako'y makaramdam.

hihimukin ko
ang bawa't kalamnan ng aking katawan
upang sumayaw

sa bawat kumpas ng panahon.

babangon at maglalakad
sa isang kalsadang baliko.

pipilitin ko,
mabigat man ang mga ito, ang aking mga paa
sa bawat paghakbang patungo kung saan,
hindi ko pa alam.

itataas ang mga kamay
sa kalangitan habang ako'y magdarasal
ng ulan sa tigang na lupa.

ayaw ko nang malingat.
ayaw ko nang makatulog.

sa aking kamay hahablutin
ang mga gapos. ako'y pakakawala.
hibang man kung ituring
sa wakas,

ako na ay malaya.

this choice

this choice

i was supposed to post this last december 1. pero nawalan naman ako ng internet...

=================================

i am not feeling well. physically and mentally, uh-uh.
i'm feeling this weird pain on my lower-left abdominal area and also the lower part of my body. it began last week and still is now. not worse though, but not even slightly better. i am not sure if what i'm experiencing on the physical level is the effect of my mental and emotional stress. my current job (and for the next two years) is not really 100% mentally demanding. but i have to be on my mental best most of the time. after all, all eyes are on my ass.

today, i can say that i am physically and mentally drained. the energizer bunny has just ran out of batteries... and the thought that i'll be doing this for two years exhausts me more.

with all these running through my head right now, i am now (for second time, dammit) questioning my choices. i mean, let's just put it this way, i want to be so many things, i want to do so many things and i also get bored easily. i am now thinking that, maybe, my problem is that i just cannot stay in one place and do the same thing for more than two seconds. and that is what's killing me right now.

i think the best thing someone can do for me right now is to grant me a week long rest. because frankly, comparing this current job to my last job and, to say the least, the past 20 years of my existence, i think i am in a state of shock.

but whatever is running through my head and body right now, well, tomorrow's a new day.

just a thought to ponder on.

ciao!

my life... or as i hope it to be...

my life... or as i hope it to be...

life is unfair. it throws us all these limitations that might hinder our happiness. but life also gives us the tools with which we can turn things around. with these tools, whether it be our dreams, our industry, our definition of happiness or even our contentment, makes life worth living and worth doing.

i came across this kiwi. no matter how life was on him, he JUST MADE IT WORK.

hope you're inspired.

ciao!

silang mga customers

silang mga customers

nagtatrabaho ako ngayon sa isang kilalang companya na humahawak ng mga piling brands (go figure) management trainee ako kaya kailangan kong daanan lahat ng mga departments sa isang boutique. katatapos lang ng sales consultancy ko. salesman in short. at ito ang aking mga nakita, narinig at napagdaanan.

si ate/kuya

ito yung mga batang babae o lalaki na nasa edad na 15-20. iikot sila sa tindahan at titingin ng mga gamit. alam mong mga immature pa sila kasi ang una nilang pupuntahan ay yung may iba-ibang kulay na department o yung may umiilaw o yung KIDS DEPARTMENT. tapos ang malala dito parang gusto mo sila pauwiin ulit kasi sa porma pa lang, para silang inutusan lang ng suka ng nanay nila at dahil sosyal si ate, bumili ng suka sa glorietta. taray diba.

jologs

eto walang age requirement. isa lang ang pinupuntahan nila. yun yung may mga malalaking letra sa mga signage na nakalagay


kaya ang promo stand, parang pinutakte sa dami ng mga nilalang na ito. at pag nakita na nila kung magkano ang promo o discount, susundan pa ng isang tanong: KELAN ULIT KAYO MAGDIDISCOUNT? MAGKANO?

ang mga suyod

daig pa nila ang suyod sa pag aalis ng mga kuto. kaya nilang suyurin ang buong tindahan para lang humanap at gumamit ng testers. mapa-lotion, perfume, cologne, laruan, aftershave, pagkain - siguradung lahat yan itetest nila. at sa maniwala kayo't sa hindi, may nakita na kong ginawang lunch ang free taste.
at dahil tunay siyang mausisi, maghahakot pa to ng mga kapatid, kaibigan, asawa, kaklase at kung sino sino pa para i-test din nila ito.

mr. i-have-it-all

naka experience na ko ng customer na papasok sa tindahan na parang gulong gulo ang utak niya. dadalin niya ang kaguluhan ng utak niya sa mga damit na nakadisplay at sabay tanong:

"sa tingin mo, pag pupunta ako ng kasal, ano dapat ang isuot ko?"

syempre, kailangan kong sumagot:

"ah sir, sa hapon po ba o sa umaga?"
o diba, parang HIGH TIDE OR LOW TIDE?!

"sa umaga."

"mas maganda po kasi sa umaga yung mga light colors. tapos sa gabi yung darker colors." sabay turo at suggest ng mga polo.

sa dami ng tinuro ko isa lang sagot niya.

"... ay... meron na ko nyan sa bahay eh... sa neck tie kaya?"

ako naman si tanga, turo ulit. suggest dito, suggest doon. tapos sympre meron na rin siya sa bahay nun.

"eh putangina sir, nakikita naman ninyo ang nakadisplay na mga polo diba? kung meron kayo lahat niyan sa bahay, BAKIT PA KAYO BIBILI?!?!?!? umuwi nalang kayo"

sa isip ko lang yun.
at ang mabigat pa dun, kinaya niya pang magpa-reserve ng 3 polo. magsasara na ang tindahan, hindi pa siya bumabalik. hmmm, siguro... meron na siya sa bahay nun.

nagmamaganda at nagmamagwapo

ito ang mga taong feeling nila ang super ganda o gwapo nila. pag binati mo sila, parang feeling nila may crush ka sa kanila. dahil na rin sa sobrang pag fi-feeling nila, lalo silang mag-iinarte at magpapacute. mga taong masarap batuhin ng item. o kaya, mas maganda, yung malaking rack ng mga items. papasok sila sa store na nakataas ang noo at pa-english english pa, hindi mo naman maintindihan ang sinasabi. di lang nila alam, pagtalikod nila pagtatawanan nalang sila ng mga staff.

isnaberong "mayaman"

pwede na rin itong ilagay sa mga nagmamaganda at nagmamagwapo. ang mga taong ito naman ang mga nagfi-feeling mayaman. taas ng kilay ang sagot ng mga kawawang nilalang na ito sa mga good afternoon at good morning mo. dakilang utusero't utusera. kung magalit akala mo bigating customer. may mga nagsasabing matagal na silang customer pero sa tagal mo doon, at pag tinanong mo ang ibang staff, pare pareho lang namin silang nakita sa unang pagkakataon. kung magtaas ng boses akala mo kanila ang tindahan. pero katulad ng naunang kategorya, di nila alam ang lakas ng tawa namin pag alis nila. they are so pathetic!!

tunay na mayayaman

hindi ko alam pero ang nakakatuwang isipin eh yung mga taong alam mong mayaman ay yung talagang mababait at mahinahon. hindi sila utusero't utusera. sila yung pag may hinanap, mahihiya kang hindi maghanap sa sobrang bait at polite. hinding hindi sila nagtataas ng boses. sa bawa't pagbati mo, isang nakangiti at sinserong pagbati rin ang makukuha mo. may breeding talaga.

tagahimas, inspektor, atbp.

ito ang mga taong wala lang. napadaan lang sila sa tindahan. di naman nakakairita, di rin maganda. kasi papasok sila para lang mag window shop. o talagang dumaan lang. titignan ang mga merchandise, hahawakan... tapos aalis. hindi rin nagsasalita. hindi rin bumabati, pero hindi sila bastos. yun yung mga taong... wala lang. yun lang. bow.


i think i will encounter more of these species as i go along. and don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good and nice customers. but these are just worth note-taking. and i will do every observing to keep a record on my blog to keep each one of us watchful of our interactions.

it just makes me laugh and wonder about these people; how are they in their homes? how are they with their friends? ano kaya ang nangyayari sa buhay nila...
in the 8 hours of watching, observing, and assisting these customers (60% of the time are just standing and doing nothing) you just have to wonder.

i the meantime, until the next ish.

ciao!

buhay sales man

ang buhay sales man

good morning ma'am! good morning sir!

yan ang linya ko sa trabaho ko ngayon. mga two weeks lang naman, pero kala ko ligtas na ko sa linya ko dati na

thank you for calling

at ngayon napalitan nanaman ng

happy holidays ma'am! happy holidays sir!

haay. nakakapagod. feeling ko nga autistic na ko dahil sa pagtayo maghapon. nagiging OC na rin ako dahil sa laging walang magawa pag walang tao ang tindahan. inaayos ko yung mga manggas ng t-shirt, tinitignan kung pantay ang mga hanger, sinisiguradong malinis ang mga naka display na items.

tapos ang masama kung may makausap man akong ka trabaho, isa lang ang paksa ng usapan.

tanong no.1: first job mo po, sir?

tanong na malamang kasunod ng unang tanong: san po kayo nag-work dati?

tapos sa mga ignoranteng walang alam, susundan ng isa pang tanong: ano yun/san yun?

tapos ako naman dahil sa sobrang wala nang choice kundi ang pahabain ang usapan para naman di ko mamalayan ang paglipas ng oras, papahabain ko pa siya. kukwentuhan ko sila ng mga nangyari sa kin sa una kong trabaho. tapos susundan ng isa pang tanong na ayoko talagan sagutin. dahil halos lahat sila mas matanda sakin at ayokong isipin nila na sa kesyo mas bata ako sa kanila, mas may alam na sila. syempre di ba, di mo naman matatanggal yun. yung tipong iisipin nila na

"ay ang bata pa niya, anong alam niya?"

ayokong mag alinlangan sila sa kakayanan ko base sa aking edad lalo pa't malaki ang pagkakataong ako ang hahawak sa kanila.

kung ano pa man, siguro masaya na rin ako sa ginagawa ko ngayon. mahirap siya sa pisikal na lebel. pero sa mga natututunan ko, gusto ko ang ginagawa ko.

nagkataon pang sumabay na manigarilyo yung isa sa mga supervisors din doon kaya't nakapagkwentuhan naman kami. natanong ko siya tungkol sa trabaho niya at kung ano pang mga anik-anik. hehe.

o siya, medyo mahaba na eh.

ciao!

hapo

hapo
[adj] {Filipino} ang pakiramdam ng labis na pagkapagod

oh my gulay. i'm dead tired.

i feel that anytime soon my legs will just crumble and leave me on the floor breathless. i can feel the throbbing of each vein in my legs. the muscles in my thighs are sore and hard. everytime i breathe, i can feel even the tiny spasms in my toes.

and i'm not talking about the after-sex-kinda-tired. I AM PHYSICALLY EXHAUSTED. i'm just filling my head with the thought "this will be over in two weeks... TWO FREAKING WEEKS..."

but it's just my first week. aaaaaaaaaaAAARRRgggHHH!!

anyway i'll give an update to my loyal 4 readers out there when i'm finally sane enough to post something sensible.

ciao!

the birthday boy

la vedette du jour

we celebrated my egg hatching last saturday. it's nice seeing people again. i just wanna make this short though.

ze birthday boy

thanks to sha, cha, ivar, kat, percy, sid, jd, macky, yuri, rr. you made the day extra-extra special and YOU MADE ME feel super special din! thanks again!

(clockwise) rr, sid, ivar, percy, cha, sha, myself, kat

sid, bryan, rr, macky, sha, cha, ivar

ang dami ko ring regalo... na cake. haha i told them na sana nag-usap nalang sila kung ano gift nila sakin. haha...

strawberry mousee from yuri

choco MARJORETTE from sha

triple decker choco-moccha cake from jd and mikee

chocolate caramel cake from percy and kat

i also asked them to be in their costumes. only one came with her costume on. LOL!

too early for halloween?

anyway my work started last monday. it's quite fun because i feel like i'm in school again. nice. i'm just really worried about those two years. but, whatever.

ciao!

really its nothing... really

"really, it's nothing... REALLY.."

the day just finished. i scrubbed the bathroom. removed the clutter from one side of the house, sweeped the floors, removed all used bottles, brought the trash out and a couple of other things. at around 5 in the afternoon, i went to have a body massage. it was nice but the place was a little bah.

i already did the planning for tomorrow's shindig. or "maliit na maliit na party."

i still need to get up early tomorow for a quick grocery. plus do a little run-through of the place. wow parang ang laki ng event.

this is the most boring post ever! EVER!

i just did this for historical purposes. he. he. he.

my birthday has just passed.

ciao!

torn

torn

i just came home.

i was up early this morning for my contract signing with the company i wanted to work for.

thing is, i have another opportunity that i need to seriously consider.

i looked at the contract and it was very precise. you have to do this, you have to do that. but when i came to ask them about the compensation and the benefits and other work related ambiguities, they were very vague. surprisingly OVERLY vague. i mean, COME ON! you're making me commit to your company with this contract and you can't give me an exact answer to my basic questions? i did not sign it.

the reason might be that plus the other opportunity i'm telling you about. whatever it is, IM FREAKING TORN...

my prayer has always been "whatever it is, let your will be done"

anyway, i'm freaking torn. dammit.

i think i'll sign the contract tomorrow instead. or not.

or maybe i will...

*sigh*

ciao!

something's brewing

something's brewing

OH. MY. GOD. aaaackkk!!! something good happenned and i really am so, so, so, SO excited!!!
i don't wanna jinx it though, i'm just putting it here on the record.
THANK YOU!!!!!!!

last thursday, yvette called me up to host a seminar/lecture by Manila FAME on the next year's trends on furniture, design, fashion, and consumer behavior in PICC (NellyRodi Trendlab and Material Connexion). it was fun. i got to meet new people and i also enjoyed it A LOT; a plus on my learned marketing knowledge.

pre-seminar jitters

in other news, i'll be signing the contract on monday. i just hope it works out great.

inxs: i just finished watching season 7 episode 5 of ANTM and DAMN! my girl AJ was sent home!!! hate that jaeda. aaaaarrgghhh!!!

ciao!

and so it was... short

and so it was... short!

call me vain but I LOVE MY NEW HAIR!

in fairness, i thought i'd be disappointed with my new look. i had long hair since mid-second year college and i never had it cut short. i can count in one hand how seldom i go to a barber to cut it in those two years.

anyway, i've got my friends to take my picture and video while i was on the seat nervous as hell.

and o, i got to keep my hair hehe. it's hanging in the terrace right now. lol.

right before the cut!

the cut begins

anong feeling bry?!

weeehh..

so... how do i look? hehe...

ciao!

crazy about my hair

crazy about my hair


in a matter of hours, my locks will be chopped off... waaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!

oh the things you gotta do for a decent job.

i'll update later... baka may pictures pa...

back at last

back at last!
when brownout strikes

i'm back from my hiatus. the hiatus. there's so much going on in my mind right now and i don't know where to start. but here it is. (be prepared for the bombardment of text, pics and vids)

i lost my internet connection almost a month ago. had it reconnected last wednesday. but as you all know, this storm milenyo just would not cooperate with my intense longing for the internet (that sounds so geeky). when the internet was reconnected, my friends from the office were at home so all i got to do was to check my mails - 130 of them. check my blog - which was in a stand still, and check my other online stuff, which, for more unwanted information, was also on a stand still. nothing seemed to have happenned when my internet was gone. and i have to hurry doing those because my friends would like to check their mails, too. to make the story short, i was online for not more than 45 minutes.

like i said, my friends were here - bongga and marky who both left even before kat came. the ever dependable pictorial group (i'll tell you why later), sha, cha and ivar. even before that day, ivar, zin, sha and cha got their picture taken by me. and i had my first try at photography in a controlled setting like a "studio."

we had it all set up; a camera, a tripod, a bouncer, a spotlight, and of course, the moHdels. it only took a couple of minutes before everyone became comfortable (needless to say, ivar does not know UNcomfortable infront of the lens, not needing any direction from me or the others haha). anyway, like i said that day when my internet got reconnected was our third time to meet for a photoshoot. and this time, it will be kat's turn. with all the things set up and make-up done and a little creativity here and there, it's all go.

one thing i can say about this lass. HINDI SIYA HANDA! hahahaha! of course i meant that sarcastically.

here are a couple of pics i took of them. (from the very first pictorial to the third)

YURI

CHA

SHA

for some weird reason, she looks like juris of MYMP here lol

ZIN

KAT

IVAR

i don't know if it's nice or not. you be the judge. i only know so little of portrait photography (that didn't sound right). but as you can see, i like it close-up. (duh)

i also TOLD them to do this. hehe..


and when i still had nothing to do, i did this.



so with all the craziness in my house done. we had a game. and it was called "SSHH!"
the object of the game was to write down two secrets anonymously in two pieces of paper, put in a non-transaparent box, have all of us read one secret and that's it. we all sat down in a circle, all of us, kat, ivar, sha, cha and myself. with a pitcher of graperador (that sounded weird haha) we all had a shot and read the secret aloud. funny how mundane the scribbles were but the facts they tell were really explosive haha. don't bug me for their secrets because one more rule about the game is, the secret stays in the circle. anyway, i've come to love them all more because of this! lol. (fyi, in the end we all knew our secrets) after that fun, bonding game, we slept. and the next thing we know, there was a big storm and electricity was out. haay.

all of them but myself, woke up early. and to think we all slept at 6 in the morning!
at 12, sha woke me up because they were all hungry and i just HAD TO go with them to buy food. took us 2 hours to get ready and when we got down, none of us had the courage to walk on the streets with strong winds, rain and flying roofs! hahahahahaha.. we literally saw one roof fly out of its house. well, after it flew it's no longer a house lol. metals, leaves, and whole branches of trees were also flying around. and we had no choice but to stay and starve. good thing my aunt, who caters food to offices was stranded at home and we just bought food from her for a very big, big discount.

then we did this



we all looked like refugees. only we're way cuter. haha. lame.

kat was supposed to leave for a medical exam. sha had to leave to pack her stuff for a flight to bicol the following day. but i didn't want them to leave with the weather. so i had them over one more night.
the clinic where kat was to visit was closed. the flight was also cancelled. so there. all six of us making kwento in the candle light until the wee hours of the morning. and of course, they just have to bathe. but hell! they made ME pump water for them! all 8 big pails of water up and down the stairs!! well, at least it did my body well. had sculpted arms for four days in a row hahahahahaha.

so after we all took a bath, we sat. we laid down the cushions. we set up these cushions in the sala where it's way cooler than my room. we stood up. we talked. and then we got bored. kat and cha were almost asleep and ivar, sha and i decided to take a walk outside where there's cool makati-fresh air. we did, and cha went with us. we left kat sleeping on the cushions. when we're about to go down, kat was awoken and asked where we were going.

"kat, bili lang kami sa labas (LIE!) balik kami agad! (LIE!)"

"sige bilisan niyo ah!"

"no prob!"

we went around the perimeter of about six blocks. then we went back the house to sit outside. talked till 3 in the morning when my aunt asked us to be quiet. hahaha. we were like children scolded for being so noisy. then we went in.

another round of kwentuhan again and we slept at around 5 in the morning.

fun, fun, FUN two days.

the next day, sha and kat left early. ivar and cha went home at 3 in the afternoon. and i was left alone in the dark. lol.

in other news, my work doesn't begin until who knows. they said that they'd call me in the week but there was a black out and all phonelines were dead. including cellphones.

*sigh*

so as i'm now writing this, it's been almost a week since this has happenned. and i miss them already hehe. we should get together soon. maybe after sha comes back from bicol.

in another news, i have yet to get my back pay from the company i previously worked with. it's been a month! and when i called them the other day, i was on hold for 30 minutes! and then i hung up and called again. ON HOLD FOR 1 HOUR AND 15 MINS!!!!! i think they have do not want to give my salary! dammit!

o well, i have to wait for that still. i just hope i don't have to wait past my birthday, which is due in three weeks! at nagpaparinig ako! hahaha.

gosh this is getting longer than i expected. gotta end this.


** right before posting this my internet again connected and disconnected. puta. and i also made this for my beloved eNp!

MISS YOU GUYS!!

ciao!

doors

doors

so when i said that god closes the door, he always leaves the back door open, i never thought that god will, sometimes, give me the key to the front door.

the job i've held off for almost half a year has been given to me - again. and this time, i think, it would be stupid of me to give that up again. i got the job that i wanted. and god didn't let me do another mistake again with working in a different career he wants for me. it's so, so good.

anyway, i've found the start of my story. i just hope that my friends will also find their own story to start with. and i also hope we'll all be writing the same happy ending.

cheers!

many thanks

many thanks

so it's between now and the next job that my life as a bummer, once again, unequivocally, begins anew.

i tendered my irrevocable resignation last saturday. my god, you wouldn't imagine how sad i am writing that letter; citing my failure as a team player and as a productive member of a struggling team. i had something like i cannot map out a plan of the career i want for myself in the account and the company. bittersweet, i tell you.
bitter in a sense that i'll surely be missing the friends i've met there and the daily routine of going to work as if i'm not working at all. those things i'll be missing for sure. i've forged strong ties with them, that's what i would like to think. and i hope they feel the same way. not to mention the pay that i'll be receiving bi-monthly :)
my leaving the company is also sweet because i get to map out now my career in marketing - the course that i took and would want to venture in.

you might think why.

well story is - was - whatever, i asked the big guy to give me a sign to take the job that's coming my way. a sign was given but i took no heed. and after months and months of really working hard and making sure that everything is right, still it doesn't pay off. i believe god has another plan for me. and i just took the nudge from him the past months.

"hey bryan, you asked for my sign and you didn't take notice. i'm giving you what you wanted, but still you went your own way. ETONG SA'YO! UMM!" LOL

well, in jest, i would like to think it that way. funny but mostly true. right?

now, i have a religiously mathematical conclusion to what should have happenned. the length of time and distance of my next job is equally proportioned to the length of time my hands are joined together plus the distance of my knees to the floor.

my experiences have hurt me but i will never be reduced by any of it. rather, it will make me stronger.

to the people i workED with who are reading this post, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving me the gift of friendship and life experience. i hope to see you all in the future!

kitch, shy, ariel, gemma, gela, ruffa, aldwin, pam, emy, elle, liz, alec, madame, ness, ethel, carla, ivar, sha, cha, bongga, kat, vin, percy, marky, julian, zin, elna, and to the others i missed, sorry, but i really gotta end this already hehe.

ciao!

txt

txt^

i received a text from pam, my office mate, the other day. it said:

Si Pam ay:
pero:
di ko ineexpect na:
thanks sa:
ganda ng:
cute siya:
sana:

i was so suprised that pam sent me that because i thought it was conceited. or did i? so i texted the same to some friends mwehehehehe.
funny how they really replied and took it seriously haha.
here are some of the replies i received sans the text language and spelling.

gela - my office mate
si bryan ay makulit
pero cute
thanks sa friendship
di ko ine-expect na mabait ka
ganda ng smile mo
cute siya pag tumatawa
sana maregularize ka
sana malaman mo na thankful ako na friend kita

* this is so g-rated, i love it haha.

erika - my girl-friend
si bryan ay perfect guy
pero may pact kami :)
thanks sa friendship
di ko ine-expect na sobrang sarap mong kausap
ganda ng built
cute siya pag tawa ng tawa
sana makita ko siya kay ate cel bago ako mag-graduate
sana malaman niya na love na love ko siya and that i can't imagine life without a great friend like him

* might be wondering what that pact is. well, it started out one day when we were talking about out non-existent love life and we were cheering each other up like: "why don't you find a new boyfriend, you're really pretty you know" and "you know what, you're what i want in a guy - you're perfect for me!" and we suddenly looked at each other and laughed. and we said "but please let's promise each other that we won't - ever - hook up. and we laughed our asses off. LOL.

tootsie - high school friend (up to now!)
si bryan ay siokoy
pero may pingas ang ilong
thanks sa inuman mems
di ko ine-expect na magyoyosi ka din
ganda ng friend niyang si tootsie
cute siya pag halloween
sana pumartee na rin siya
sana malaman niya na 4h mems na

* hmmm, tootsie... parteeE? *shakes head* hahahaha lol. :)

elisa - forever friend
si bryan ay puta
pero gwapo
thanks sa lahat lahat for the past decade
di ko ine-expect na manliligaw sakin
cute siya pag kumakanta
sana di na siya ma-depress
sana malaman niya na ico-confine ako mamayang gabi for blood transfusion sa manila doctors

* fyi: yes i love whoring. cam whoring. elisa, you pig! hehehe jk! and i hope that it's not cancer.

shit happens

things/sh*t happens

i was thinking. why am i stressing out too much on keeping my current job? what's so good about it? what's not so good about it? is it worth keeping? is leaving my job the best decision i will/should make?

i mean, come to think of it, things happen. shit happens. and, although as controlling as i am with my life right now, i cannot ever make things go my way. things can sometimes not go as planned. it's just that when i was younger, i always dreamed of making it big. making it biggER than most people i know. after graduation, i reminded myself of my goals, my plans, my dreams. i was so focused about this that i was too proud to admit that that might take a while. imagine, i was so bent on not taking a call center job. but after weeks and weeks of disappointments and rejections, look where i'm at right now. the funny thing is, i'm enjoying it (maybe for now). and that is exactly my point. i planned one thing only to find myself in an entirely different dimension and it's not so bad after all. maybe the primary reason for all these is that i want to make a statement. i want to get ahead. i want THIS RACE.

thinking about it, i guess, that was my past plan. but i could never kill myself for not realizing that - for now.

after these realizations, i suppose i'm scared again of the future. what will happen after this? now that i'm enjoying this, what will become of me? i wish i can sing que sera, sera, but that's just not the case. the thought of leaving a job scares me because i'm unsure of the future. i have no plan B. imagine stressing myself into getting good (and this is an understatement) appraisals every freakin' day!

sitting just today, i remembered my mother's words: "life is not a race" she said that to me when i told her about my boss whom i just found out to be 24. i was like "what?! that can't be! i'm already 22! what have i done (with my life)?!" well, it's true. life is not a race against others. i think, the only opponent that you have is yourself.

segue lang: if life is a race, then my god, i wouldn't wanna finish my life ahead of them! ayoko pang mamatay no!

i have come to a conclusion: you cannot live in the past. past is past. it's water under the bridge. and you're just barking on the wrong tree. (huh?!) but seriously, how can you ever reach your goal if you keep on stepping back to attend to your past?
another conclusion:apart from not living in the past, you should also never let the future distress you in any way possible. i mean, come on! it has never happenned yet and you can still take the necessary steps to get to that. it's never too late.

i gotta live in the NOW. i gotta take everything one step at a time. a little sidestep can be good at times but i'll always be sure that with one sidestep, i also take two steps forward - like a dance. yes. like a dance.
and when things go wrong, think: things happen. SHIT happens. don't fret and take action.

the end. bow.

ciao!

putangina

putanginang yan. lahat na nga ginagawa mo, tapos hindi pa rin nagiging tama ang mga bagay bagay.
god knows i try my hardest to please people at work. god knows the passion in my heart to help out those damned whiny customers. and in return, they'd give me a failing survey?! WHAT. THE. FUCK!

maybe it's a way of god telling me that i should have waited for him to do his thing. and that i was so impatient in taking this job that i have right now. but whatever. i hurts like freaking hell.

my 5th month appraisal is getting the best of me partly because i had the worst rating i could get on my 100th day. honestly, when you ask me to rate myself, i would rate myself a 3.5 out of 4. but no matter how i tell myself that, it is still those customers and my supervisor who give me those ratings. whatever. dammit.

at habang hirap ka na sa paglalagay ng pilit na ngiti sa mukha mo, dadagdagan pa ng supervisor mo ang hirap mo sa pagtatanong ng: "If worse comes to worst, do you have a plan if you don't get regularized?"

PUTANG. INA.

thanks ah! pero mabait naman ang supervisor ko. wala naman akong reklamo sa kanya talga. i just don't appreciate the fact that he asked me that question during the day that i had long discussions with my customers AND got my ZERO rating survey - again. pag minalas ka nga naman.

so. jobstreet. we meet again.

july27

july 27

it was my father's birthday last july 27 and we went to the cemetery today to visit

three times three

three times three

i'm feeling weird and i'll try to tell you why.

i dunno what happenned in the short span of months i'm in the office, but some things just go like "WHAAT?!?!"
first i had a stalker which i didn't write about here. she was irritatingly (and unnecessarily) needy and demanding. acting like she's my girlfriend. i thought it was over. then comes another one babbling those damned three words. then another one. have they lost their minds? this is just me, for crying out loud. i haven't changed in a way that might solicit those three words. and those three words! has it lost it's meaning already - being thrown around like just some cheap pop?

one person even gave me a note stating those bloody three words. and she's even making me kulit to read it. i've read it and i just brushed it aside. i forgot how to react to those words anymore. or worse, i never knew how to react.

hay. the story of my life. anyway, fyi, i might be resigning anytime soon. i just found out that one of my friends in the office has not been approved for regularization. and my standing is really not too different from her. i like my job. i think i want to stay there much longer. i love the people there, they're so cool to work with. but with the way things are going, i don't think i'm cut out for them. too bad.

until then, ciao!

rising phoenix

rising phoenix

i always thought that i'm better than this. i thought that although this is not for me, i will make it here - that i will bloom wherever i am planted. and that everything will fall easily for me.

wrong.

i was slapped twice. i was foolish in thinking that after the fleeting moment of success, i will make it through. i was pulled back to the ground faster than i could think. and fuck it hurts. it is slowly taking away the only thing that is left in me - my confidence. i'm beginning to question my choices. i'm beginning to look for greener pasteurs, should there be any. i'm beginning to be restless and anxious by the fact that i have to wait for so long for me to get away from this discomforting situations.

my only comfort is that i'm getting something from this damned situation. and honestly, i really don't want to dwell in these emotions and this logic of thinking. for now, i will lick my scars with a thought that although these things might have hurt me, changed me and molded me into a new thing, i will never be reduced by any of this.

ciao.

dear wind

dear wind

napapansin ko na nitong mga nakalipas na araw malakas ang ihip mo. masarap pagmasdan ang puno ng sampaloc sa harap ng bahay habang nilalaro mo ito. nakakatuwa ding tignan ang palmera kapag kayo'y nagaaway at pilit mo siyang niyuyuko sa lupa. at masarap din ang pagdampi mo sa aking balat tuwing akoy uupo at magmumuni-muni.


i love it when you stroke my hair with your hands. i like it when you silently caress my tired and wrinkled skin. it feels so natural. it's like you are a part of me and i, a part of you.

pero naiinis ako kasi hindi mo kayang abutin ang kwarto ko. wala itong bintana kaya't lagi mo akong kinakatok. hindi ko maramdaman ang kamay mo na dumadampi sa buhok ko. hindi ko rin tuloy maranasan ang sarap ng iyong haplos sa aking maselang balat.

i can only dream that you are there with me, gently blowing on me on my sleep. and in my dreams, i can feel you all around me. i can still smell the passion in every touch, the love in every gentle hush.

i have one request, though, dear wind. please be gentle with me, do not be harsh. i have been weak these weeks. my soul is fragile, my spirit tired. i have been failing myself and i apologize for that, dear wind. i cannot contain my emotion sometimes that i forget that i am happy.

but i would appreciate it if you could carry me to places that would awaken me and rekindle my love for life, my zest for being alive.

for now i want to thank you and ask these of you. so if you can, dear wind, grant my wish today. if only you can. if only I can.

just this morning

just this morning

just early this morning, i was doing my usual routine when i get to the office. i parked myself just outside the office to light a cigarette and wished, while inhaling the somewhat intoxicating wisps of smoke, that i have a really good day. i was pacing right beside the building and i suddenly saw a familiar face. it was tootsie. my first reaction was (and you bet it was really loud) "what the fuck are you doing here?!"
it was 4:30 in the morning and she was the last person i thought i'd see. i walked slightly towards her since i figured that they were coming in my direction. she was aloof - with just a forced grin that appears contrary to her reactionless face, slightly wet hair, and normal clothes. i thought for a second that they just came from a gimmick and they are just roaming around makati. but i thought otherwise as soon as i saw her outfit of normal shirt and pants with a huge bag that she carries on her side.

"san kayo galing?" i asked

"pupuntahan namin dad ko," with lips pursed pointing at the hospital right beside our office, she answered in her raspy voice. it was not the usual tootsie.

i looked over at makati med and asked her again, "ay, why? na-ospital ba daddy mo?"

with no pretensions whatsoever, she replied, "'di, patay na dad ko. pupuntahan namin."

i was held back for a second. and being my stupid self, i shot back with " ... di nga?"

i know it's really stupid when i think about it now but during that time it was pure disbelief. it was like piecing together some unearthly puzzle that you just lose all logic and momentum.

at siya, na sa tingin ko ay nasa panahon na kailangang utak muna ang pairalin at kailangang gawin muna ang mga dapat gawin, ay sumagot lang ng " oo nga.."

all i could do was offer her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. she knows i want to say something more but for some reason some cat got hold of my tongue.

she just said "sa susunod nalang ako magkukwento, i need to go now." she was with her ate candy and there was a slight introduction after that.

she went away. i was looking after her and all i could say was "take care tootsie, i love you!"

you guys do not know how it is walking in the hospital knowing you are headed to the morgue. you do not know the feeling how heavy each step could get when you smell the overly-sanitized hospital. you do not know the feeling of being in a small, long and plain white corridors of the hospital. you do not know the feeling of seeing your family at the end of the corridor waiting for you to finally arrive. and i hope you never experience the grief and agony and opening the door of the morgue. i hope you never experience ever in your life seeing your father lying on a cold stainless steel table covered only with white sheets. it can shatter your heart into a million pieces. not knowing what to think, not knowing what happens next after seeing your strong father lying there helpless and cold and breathless.

how i wish i could get out of work to accompany tootsie to that dreadful place. but i also know that the best thing for her is to be with her family and stay together. i just hope that she cried and let everything out. and if she chose to keep her quiet and be strong, i hope she cries in her solitude. because crying can help although it does not ease the burden.

god bless, tootsie. be strong.

i am happy

i am happy

i just came from a very long bath and i feel so tired.
it's my rest day today and all i did was clean the house and do my laundry. i'm not complaining though.

right now, i can truly say that i'm happy with the way things are going in my life. i don't have the perfect job, i don't have the perfect friends, i don't have the perfect situations, but these imperfections really do make my life all worthwhile - easier and lovable.

i am not expecting any more drama this year because first thing i'll do is to shut the drama off. i've been there, i've done that, nothing more to it. one thing i've learned though is that when God shuts the door, it's not just the window he leaves open, the backdoor is always wide open. there will always be a silver lining on each rain cloud. luckily i found mine.

i'm happy now.

it's been too long since i said that. and it feels so damn good!

I AM HAPPY!

oo

oo

di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
baka sakali lang, maisip mo ako
di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
inaasam makita kang muli

hindi mo lang alam kay tagal nang panahon
akoy nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon, para sayo
lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
kung akoy nagkasala, patawad na sana
ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

di mo lang alam akoy iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

di mo lang alam, kahit tayoy magkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
akoy nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman

kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko
sanay di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
kung alam ko lang akoy yong masasaktan ng ganito
sanay nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
malas mo . . . ikaw ang natipuhan ko
di mo lang alam, akoy yong nasaktan..

masochism

masochism


Pronunciation: 'ma-s&-"ki-z&m, 'ma-z&- also 'mA-
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary, from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch died 1895 German novelist

1 : a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object -- compare SADISM
2 : pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering
- mas·och·ist /-kist/ noun- mas·och·is·tic /"ma-s&-'kis-tik, "ma-z&- also "mA-/ adjective- mas·och·is·ti·cal·ly /-'kis-ti-k(&-)lE/ adverb

hmmm....

one eerie sunday late afternoon in ayala avenue

one eerie sunday late afternoon in ayala avenue

i just got out of the office when i told my friend "my god, this looks eerie..."

ayala avenue was not bustling with people, hot, and fuming with pollution. it was, in fact, empty, clean, dark and damp cold. it was just after the rain, i know. but the place looks so gloomy.

while my friend and i were walking towards the bus stop, there were no beggars and children asking me for spares. it felt like being in the scene of a tom cruise movie, vanilla skies. only, i am in makati - philippines' manhattan.

as we rode the jeepney, i could not help feeling gloomy, too. and when we went down towards another bus stop, my friend asked me "why the hell are you frowning?"

"i don't know," i said, "it's this day."

ayun, tapos pag uwi ko mejo mabigat na rin ang pakiramdam ko.

in media res

in medias res

i would want to think that i love my job. but lately, i guess i'm beginning to feel that i am not cut out for this. it's like week after week, my confidence is going down the drain. partly because i did not get the stat that i expected.

i know, though, that i shouldn't expect much since i am still a newbie and i am still in the process of learning and relearning everything. but just yesterday, i was on the verge of tears because of frustration. i am sincere in helping out people but i guess it's not enough. i try my best to make each people satisfied but it's never enough.
i have heard that pleasing EVERYONE is pleasing NO ONE. but no one said that i cannot please ANYONE.

and what's shitty is when you know that you put your heart and soul into what you're doing and it still turns out to be the biggest tae situation, it just gets the better of me.

on the bright side, one door is still open. that door has been open since i got into the other door i'm in right now. and the doorkeeper has been inviting me in ever since. i just don't know if i want to enter it. i know i wanted to so bad before. but things are different now. i don't know.

it sucks when you feel that you have passed the crossroad of your early quarter life and when you're treading the road you chose, it diverges yet again. but i am happy that i still have a choice.

i know some of you can easily tell me what to do and what not to do. but i also know that we all know the feeling i'm feeling right now. *sigh*

ciao!

that smile

that smile

i admire you for being real
i admire for not putting up a skin

you need no pushing
you need no words

i admire you for the person you are
i admire you for the pretensions you never had

you are what you are
you dance to your own tempo
you sing with your own melody

i admire you for your courage
i admire you for your honesty

you are a rarity
you are you

i admire you for the things you have conquered
i admire you for the obstacles you overcame
but most of all i admire you
simply for being you

JUNE 6, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

DARYLL

(c:


xoxo

exhausted

exhausted.

yes. that's the word for me right now.

i have been meaning to write the most beautiful entry for the longest time. but ideas and words, more often than, not elude me.

any ideas?

got one. let's talk about the most ignored subject in this blog from the very beginning.

love.

romantic love, that is. laughable as it may sound, i have never experienced it for myself. there have been times, though, when i thought for a second that i feel it. then i snap back to reality and i know for sure that it still isn't. i've got a question. how would you know it's love? is it when you have someone? is it when you're ready to give yourself to someone anytime? is it when you can sell your soul for the one you think you love? is it when you feel as helpless as ever because you feel like you feel it? is it when you question everything that you almost become a cynic?

well, for the most part, i don't want to be a cynic when it comes to love. i want to be a hopeless romantic. unfortunately, i am not. i just can't.

before, when i thought that i felt love, i felt as if it was just a force of nature that i can't reckon with. it's like having this huge magnetic energy that attracts me to this person. and i ask myself; but if it's so strong, why was i able to withstand it. get it?

love does not exist?

i don't wanna delve into the existence of love, though. it's just a question.

oh, i really cannot put myself into talking about love. ideas and words just crumble and i turn out to be a pathetic, loveless, and clueless trying hard romantic. so, i should end this now.

ciao!

wala lang

wala lang

rest day ko ngayon. ang boring. dapat kasi iinom kami lahat sa bahay ko ngayon pero hindi na rin natuloy dahil busy-busyhan ang lahat. bukas baka pumunta ako kung saan para naman bumili ng para sakin. wala pa kong nabibili para sakin simula ng sumweldo ako eh.

hmmm. napaisip ako kahapon. di ko alam kung maiinggit ako dahil wala akong special someone o matutuwa ako dahil nagagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko. di ko alam kung maiinggit ako dahil may pinagkakaabalahan ang mga may special someone o matutuwa ako dahi lahat ng oras ko ay para lang sakin. hmmm.

anyway, picture ulit tayo.

nuff said.

after work stress

and in starbucks

hotel lobby after party

ciao!

can't sleep

can't sleep

dammit. i slept at around 6pm so that i can wake up at 3:30 in the morning. but it's just 2 and i can't sleep anymore. ah my fucked up body clock. rather, my fucked up schedule. my shift is now from 5am to 2pm. now, how the hell am i supposed to stay awake until that time? tell me.

anyway last saturday was our graduation day from our training. here are some pics.

the girls were naughty even before the game started

da boys

me, carla, and mark

the naughty games

cha, vin, and me

julian aka wangbu

ciao!