reitrement

tomorrow, the papers will be served. at age 25, i will be retired. lol. who knew? i should plan my lifelong dream of vacationing in europe -- tour the famous sites, eat local delicacies, meet foreign people, venice, paris, mykonos, athens, london, moscow, dublin... oh wait. cubao lang pala.

for almost a month now, i've been reporting for work on my restdays. my offsets are piling up and i don't think a month to claim it is possible. so much for offsets. i need to go to the beach for the last time this summer. although according to pagasa, it's officially the start of the rainy season. boo.

ciao.

just to make things clear

i am not a doormat.
i am not here for your convenience.
i am not here solely to be your cheerleader.
i am not one to wait for hours on end.
i am not just your friend.
i am not the one to fill with empty words.
i am not your father, or mother, or brother, or sister.
i am not one to ask favors.
i am not your text mate.
i am not your phone pal.
i am not your chatmate, either.
i am not one to just sit and wait on the sidelines.
i am not just a piece of garment.
i am not most things you want me to be.

i am me.

and i want to matter.

that's all i am asking for. nothing more, nothing less.

waiting... still

minsan mapapakamot ka nalang ng ulo pag nabiro ka ng destiny. kasi hanggang ngayon, ang alam ko, tapos na ang paghihintay. pero hanggang ngayon, naghihintay pa rin ako. nagbago lang ng porma. nagbago ng anyo. nagbago ng proseso. pero sa huli, naghihintay pa rin.

minsan nakakapagod na rin. sa tagal kong naghihintay, lahat na ng pwedeng gawin, ginawa ko. lahat ng pwedeng isipin, inisip ko na rin. minsan, naisip ko na ring huwag nang maghintay. tatakbo nalang ako. ako ang gagawa ng sarili kong daan na tatahakin.

pero...

dasal ko lang lord, sana wag mo akong pagsawain maghintay. sana rin, yung hinihintay ko, maging makabuluhan. mahirap maghintay sa wala.

at ayoko maghintay sa wala.

here goes three

this person knows already knows what kind of job he got into. the company he works for does not really compensate well. however, according to him, he's willing to sacrifice financial stability for good relationships and better career growth, at least for now. in the mean time, the person is enjoying the time he's having. he complains a lot, whines a lot, and vents out a lot; that's just his way of coping with the financial limitations his job brings. one day he tells me this:

you don't need to rub it in. i know what i got into. i know the company i'm working for is not the best there is. but this is where i found the true spirit of friendship, hardwork, and camaraderie -- as cliche as that sounds. i am working for a company that needs me. tell me this, in all honesty, does the company you work for really need you? they can replace you anytime they want to. there are a lot of people with your skills, heck even better than yours. i am proud of that fact, they cannot just replace me. they have to look long and hard. and even if they found the right person for the job, they know that the right person for the job would not accept the job. i
and, if you're just saying that to make me feel better, well it doesn't. believe it or not, i get affected, too, when i hear you talk shit about the company i work for. so please, do not rub it in. i already heard what you're about to say.

OK. i understand. sorry.

--------

dear you,

we've been through this quite a lot of times already. and frankly, it's already disturbing hearing you go through all those stuff again. i thought we were already in agreement that expectations are totally out of the question? my friend, in these times, the only enemy that you have are your expectations. even if it's a promise. here's an advice: you and promises don't really go together. you cannot expect people to fulfill those promises. as long as you do, you're always headed for disappointments. i know. it's sad. but this is the real world godammit. stop being that way and start to accept that things will sometimes not go the way you expect them to be. but if it does, then good for you. good for us.
but for now, let's just not go through this anymore.

please?

--------

i was leafing through one of the books i have the other day, thought bubble:

you always ask if i did enough; if i cared for you enough, if i miss you enough, if i love you enough. you always tell me what you want and what you didn't want.
but did you care to stop for a moment and ask what I want?

BOOM! wow. very dramatic.


ciao!

hold and let go

bibitiwan ko ang mga bagay na nagdudulot sa akin ng pag-aalinlangan. bibitiwan ko ang mga alaala at pangyayaring nagbibigay sa akin ng sakit at lungkot. bibitaw ako sa panahon na magdadala ng galit sa aking puso. bibitiwan ko ang oras na magbibigay sa akin ng mga pagdududa. bibitiwan ko rin ang mga gunita, bagay, at kahit taong hihila sa akin pababa.

kakapit ako sa mga bagay at taong tutulong sa akin maging mabuting tao. kakapitan ko ang mga gunitang nagbibigay sa akin ng lakas ng loob sa kabila ng hirap ng pagdadaanan at pinagdaanan ko. kakapit ako sa katotohanan ng may pagasang walang makakabasag nito. kakapit ako sa ligayang maidudulot at dinudulot sa akin ng mga kaibigang totoo. kakapit ako sa pag-asang lahat ng ito'y lilipas sa takdang panahon upang maging buo at ganap.

isang malaking...

lord, bakit ang dami daming tanong ngayon? wala akong makitang sagot...

sa ngayon, ito muna panghahawakan ko:

Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

letters to a young poet
rainer maria rilke

i remember that's the quotation i printed on a piece of paper and stuck on the fridge. it remained there for a few years until my mom threw it away when she came back.

oo nga naman...

" Leave alone that which causes you doubt, and adhere to that which is free from doubt, for truth is comforting and falsehood is disturbing. "

ads that make you go awwww....

i love these two latest advertisements. pinoy na pinoy! ang galing galing ng gumawa, sapul sa puso, sapul sa emotions, sapul din sa casting. galing ng execution!

lucky me - magnifico

"... nay, 12 lang ang kinuha, pang 13 ako... pano yan? may uniform na ko?!"
hahahaha panalo!! ang cute lang! naaalala ko yung pinsan kong si ashley, parang ganito kasi siya haha.

camella homes - sikip

haang kyot ng bata! waaah!!
trivia: batang babae pala to! haha!

hope it made your day like it did mine! =)

ciao!

how do you feel?

i feel:

I'm trying to change to make the best, for us
But I'm just the same same as I ever was

Oh and if you stay with me honestly it's what I want
But if you stay with me I know I'll hurt you more

So won't you save, save yourself
by leaving me now for someone else
If I'm crying out don't listen to it
It's only my heart save yourself
it's only my heart
Oh no

So tell me I'm wrong please won't you change, my mind
This loves so intense sometimes it can lead, you blind

Oh and if you stay with me honestly it's what I want
But if you stay with me I know I'll hurt you more

So won't you save, save yourself
by leaving me now for someone else
If I'm crying out don't listen to it
It's only my heart save yourself
It's only my heart save yourself

And I don't want to let you go
But I know that it's the right thing to do baby
And I don't think I'm that strong
to say goodbye I don't wanna see you cry

So won't you save, save yourself
by leaving me now for someone else
If I'm crying out don't listen to it
It's only my heart save yourself

but still:

There's so much craziness surrounding me
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone you bring it back to me
You make it real for me
Well I'm not sure of my priorities
I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
Like holy water washing over me
You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby
You are the only one who save me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words you teach my heart to speak
You make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand
You got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you shine in the distance I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn
But if you're here with me I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can learn
You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby
'Cause you are the only one who'll save me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me

sa mga nanay ko

sa nanay ko, at sa mga nanay-nanayan ko, isang pagbati ng happy mothers' day mula sa kaibuturan ng aking pagkatao.

mommy, i love you to no end. no matter what.
mama tess, salamat sa tunay na pagbuhay sa diwa ng pangalang ako lang ang tumawag sayo.
tita dolly, thanks for the unending care you always give sa mga oras na walang may alam na kailangan ko nito.
tita guing, the ever cheerleader, kalokohan, at kabaliwan, maraming salamat. dahil dun, nakakabuhay ka ng loob.
lola esing, ang nanay naming lahat, wala akong ibang hiling kung hindi ang mapasaya ka namin sa lahat ng oras at pagkakataon. i hope nasiyahan ka sa biglaan pagbisita ko jan nung mga nakaraang buwan.
kay nanay, lola ko sa papa ko, kahit na hindi na tayo madalas makapag-usap, nararamdaman ko pa rin ang pagaalala na lola lang ang makakapagbigay.
sa mga tita ko, mga nanay ng mga kaibigan ko, bestfriends ko kayo. salamat sa pagtitiwalang binibigay niyo sa akin sa inyong mga anak na kaibigan ko.

mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat.

happy mothers' day!

ciao!

hindi pa lasing to!

bwahahahahaha *this* never fails to put a smile on my face!

ciao!

reading and tv

"be wary when i pull away, when i no longer argue, when i no longer react. be careful when i become polite, and i agree with everything, and when i become detached. you might not feel it now, you might not notice it yet, but i will be far. then i'll be gone."
-----
" i was wrong yesterday. and i'm wrong today. so there's a huge chance i'll be wrong again tomorrow."
-----
"beware of him that is slow to anger; for when it is long coming, it is the stronger when it comes, and the longer kept. Abused patience turns to fury."

ciao!

lakbay break

an unplanned drinking sesh happened last thursday. after two years of working with sheila, this is the first time we finally went out to go drinking. reg ditched us the last minute... hmpf! =P

pics here! videos to follow... siguro. lol.

bwahahahaha

kahit na medyo predictable, ang lakas ng tawa ko dito nung napanood ko siya.

natawa ako kay direk nung sumigaw siya ng buong pwersa: "AACTIOOOON!!!"

at ang mukha naman ni sharon cuneta -- priceless!

kakatuwa!!

ciao!

on happiness

happiness is a warm gun.

indeed, yin and yang lang yan. the perennial balance of life.

still, i'd rather have it pointed at me point blanc -- shiver and tremble in its presence; and in one clean shot, die happy.

pagtitipon ng mga bayani

this is night one.

click pic for more.

vigan

this is lakbay day 1 in vigan.

click pic to direct you to my multiply site.