i am happy

i am happy

i just came from a very long bath and i feel so tired.
it's my rest day today and all i did was clean the house and do my laundry. i'm not complaining though.

right now, i can truly say that i'm happy with the way things are going in my life. i don't have the perfect job, i don't have the perfect friends, i don't have the perfect situations, but these imperfections really do make my life all worthwhile - easier and lovable.

i am not expecting any more drama this year because first thing i'll do is to shut the drama off. i've been there, i've done that, nothing more to it. one thing i've learned though is that when God shuts the door, it's not just the window he leaves open, the backdoor is always wide open. there will always be a silver lining on each rain cloud. luckily i found mine.

i'm happy now.

it's been too long since i said that. and it feels so damn good!

I AM HAPPY!

oo

oo

di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
baka sakali lang, maisip mo ako
di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
inaasam makita kang muli

hindi mo lang alam kay tagal nang panahon
akoy nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon, para sayo
lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
kung akoy nagkasala, patawad na sana
ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

di mo lang alam akoy iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

di mo lang alam, kahit tayoy magkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
akoy nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman

kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko
sanay di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
kung alam ko lang akoy yong masasaktan ng ganito
sanay nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
malas mo . . . ikaw ang natipuhan ko
di mo lang alam, akoy yong nasaktan..

masochism

masochism


Pronunciation: 'ma-s&-"ki-z&m, 'ma-z&- also 'mA-
Function: noun
Etymology: International Scientific Vocabulary, from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch died 1895 German novelist

1 : a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object -- compare SADISM
2 : pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering
- mas·och·ist /-kist/ noun- mas·och·is·tic /"ma-s&-'kis-tik, "ma-z&- also "mA-/ adjective- mas·och·is·ti·cal·ly /-'kis-ti-k(&-)lE/ adverb

hmmm....

one eerie sunday late afternoon in ayala avenue

one eerie sunday late afternoon in ayala avenue

i just got out of the office when i told my friend "my god, this looks eerie..."

ayala avenue was not bustling with people, hot, and fuming with pollution. it was, in fact, empty, clean, dark and damp cold. it was just after the rain, i know. but the place looks so gloomy.

while my friend and i were walking towards the bus stop, there were no beggars and children asking me for spares. it felt like being in the scene of a tom cruise movie, vanilla skies. only, i am in makati - philippines' manhattan.

as we rode the jeepney, i could not help feeling gloomy, too. and when we went down towards another bus stop, my friend asked me "why the hell are you frowning?"

"i don't know," i said, "it's this day."

ayun, tapos pag uwi ko mejo mabigat na rin ang pakiramdam ko.

in media res

in medias res

i would want to think that i love my job. but lately, i guess i'm beginning to feel that i am not cut out for this. it's like week after week, my confidence is going down the drain. partly because i did not get the stat that i expected.

i know, though, that i shouldn't expect much since i am still a newbie and i am still in the process of learning and relearning everything. but just yesterday, i was on the verge of tears because of frustration. i am sincere in helping out people but i guess it's not enough. i try my best to make each people satisfied but it's never enough.
i have heard that pleasing EVERYONE is pleasing NO ONE. but no one said that i cannot please ANYONE.

and what's shitty is when you know that you put your heart and soul into what you're doing and it still turns out to be the biggest tae situation, it just gets the better of me.

on the bright side, one door is still open. that door has been open since i got into the other door i'm in right now. and the doorkeeper has been inviting me in ever since. i just don't know if i want to enter it. i know i wanted to so bad before. but things are different now. i don't know.

it sucks when you feel that you have passed the crossroad of your early quarter life and when you're treading the road you chose, it diverges yet again. but i am happy that i still have a choice.

i know some of you can easily tell me what to do and what not to do. but i also know that we all know the feeling i'm feeling right now. *sigh*

ciao!

that smile

that smile

i admire you for being real
i admire for not putting up a skin

you need no pushing
you need no words

i admire you for the person you are
i admire you for the pretensions you never had

you are what you are
you dance to your own tempo
you sing with your own melody

i admire you for your courage
i admire you for your honesty

you are a rarity
you are you

i admire you for the things you have conquered
i admire you for the obstacles you overcame
but most of all i admire you
simply for being you

JUNE 6, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

DARYLL

(c:


xoxo

exhausted

exhausted.

yes. that's the word for me right now.

i have been meaning to write the most beautiful entry for the longest time. but ideas and words, more often than, not elude me.

any ideas?

got one. let's talk about the most ignored subject in this blog from the very beginning.

love.

romantic love, that is. laughable as it may sound, i have never experienced it for myself. there have been times, though, when i thought for a second that i feel it. then i snap back to reality and i know for sure that it still isn't. i've got a question. how would you know it's love? is it when you have someone? is it when you're ready to give yourself to someone anytime? is it when you can sell your soul for the one you think you love? is it when you feel as helpless as ever because you feel like you feel it? is it when you question everything that you almost become a cynic?

well, for the most part, i don't want to be a cynic when it comes to love. i want to be a hopeless romantic. unfortunately, i am not. i just can't.

before, when i thought that i felt love, i felt as if it was just a force of nature that i can't reckon with. it's like having this huge magnetic energy that attracts me to this person. and i ask myself; but if it's so strong, why was i able to withstand it. get it?

love does not exist?

i don't wanna delve into the existence of love, though. it's just a question.

oh, i really cannot put myself into talking about love. ideas and words just crumble and i turn out to be a pathetic, loveless, and clueless trying hard romantic. so, i should end this now.

ciao!