Death is never a matter of if. It is always a question
of when.
That has been one of my most frequent lines at what I
do. Working in an industry where death is mentioned almost as naturally as
breathing, and having the experience of having lost a father at a young age, I
never thought that making this as what others may call a eulogy (honestly, I
prefer this to be a love letter), would be so taxing -- draining.
But here I am speaking in behalf of all the apos that
Lola Esing has always loved. Not knowing if I’ll ever say or remember the right
things.
We all know how and why you passed. It was bone
cancer. We all know that. I was in Cotabato, heading to the airport when I called
mommy after seeing that I had quite a few missed calls from her. Daryll
answered, he paused, and told me you have passed at 9:10 in the morning. It was
blunt, it was clear, it was concise, but it was not real. I have prepared
myself for this day from the moment we knew. But nothing could have prepared
me, us, than those clear, sharp words “Nag-pass away na si Lola.”
I could only imagine how it was for mommy and the rest
of my aunts and uncles, of course, who have been there to take care of Lola
from the very beginning. Mommy has also been strong for all of us. I know a few
of her decisions are not popular to all of us, but she has done what is best.
And that alone is enough for me to say thank you for taking care of our Lola
the very best possible way. She was even the one who finally told Lola about
her condition, Ma, thank you – for being the courage FOR us.
I remember calling her to ask how she was and she told
me about giving in to some of the well-intentioned friends of Lola. Forgive me
if I might offend some of the traditional beliefs but I was literally laughing
out loud when mommy told me that once, they went around the house with a faith
healer and spread salt around the perimeter of the house to fend off the bad
spirits that was purportedly causing Lola harm. It ultimately ended at the tree
in front of the house where the faith healer started murmuring some prayers
while the rest sprinkle salt on the ground.
As funny as it was, at least for me, it only goes to
show how Lola is loved in our home.
Sometimes, we do things what for us might seem silly but we do it still.
Not because we want to prove something, but because our love is bigger than
what we usually do, what we usually know, and how we usually perceive things to
be. I’m sure all of us will agree that Lola deserves that kind of love.
As much as we hold Lola dear to our hearts, she was
also a woman who loves. Her love to my Lolo is a testament to that. Up until one
of the last moments we talked to her on the eve of mother’s day, she fondly
recalls how she found Lolo to be so gwapo and strong and generous and loving
that ultimately made her fall for him, eventually marry him, and ultimately
have six children with him. When Lolo died two decades ago in 1992, she told us
that the way she deals with the loss is “Iniisip ko na lang nasa Cebu ang Lolo
niyo at babalik siya soon.” And I think, for 20 years, that’s what she keeps on
thinking – that’s what she does to keep her love alive. That’s how much she
loves Lolo.
She also loved her children, as what mommy has shared.
Grandparents are also known to be very loving of their
grandchildren – maybe sometimes, up to a point of spoiling them. Lola, of
course, is no different. She loved all of us and we all loved her back. I still
vividly remember, back in our home in Manila, she would gush when my sister
Janna would perform one of her Little Miss Philippines number. Or how she had
gone on and on when Phoebe became Little Miss Shakey’s – Subic. Or when, just
recently, she was smiling from ear to ear proclaiming Ryu as being so handsome
while we were Skyping with him from Japan. Or how she was so determined that
Sophia will be a musical prodigy one day – a genius, even. And oh, how she
smiled and felt so elated when Enzo recited a poem for her on her 75th
birthday.
I’ve had my share with her, too. When I was younger, for some reason,
I had this penchant for gathering all the santo’s in our house, putting them on
a table and performing the mass with candies as hosts and her being my
one-woman congregation.
I was also in the fourth grade when I got some form of
recognition and received a certificate or a medal from school. I actually
forgot what the recognition was for, but here’s what I remember: Lola sent a
card after that with P3,500 enclosed as a gift. My mommy used the money to buy
me a second hand study table. Eighteen years later, I still have it with me.
For two or three years now, I was lucky to have come
home for Christmas, her birthdays, and in between those occasions to see her. I
always loved seeing her kasi lagi niya kong sinasabihan ng “Ang haba haba mo
na“ in Bisaya, ang laki laki ko na raw. Or my favorite, “Ay ka-gwapo sa akong
apo oi!” I don’t know if that’s her being honest, her cataract before, or her
meds lately. =) I’d like to believe it’s the former. She was always generous
with good words and lavish with her praises, especially with her apo.
Generous. I guess if there is some form of Top Ten
Words to describe Lola, that word will be in the upper list. In a lot of ways,
we have all experienced her generosity. And in a lot of ways, as well, that
generosity I believe stems from love. She just. Loved. Everybody. Sometimes, a
little too much that she forgets about herself in the process.
One can also say a lot about Lola’s humor. There was
one day she sat me down and told me in a grandmotherly way to study hard.
Studying hard, she said, will allow me to go into a nice college and land a
nice job. And once I get a nice job, she said, “Sa una among sweldo, ibili mo
ako ng TV. Kasi hindi ako makanood ng TV sa kanila pinsan mo eh.”
And just recently, after a long travel from Cebu, she
told us how the trip went really sour. We were talking about it on the dinner
table. Lola was sitting right in front of me and suddenly quipped: “Ay! Baling
layu-a! Iinit pa kayo! Kapoy! I was smiling when she was talking because we all
know how she is when she is in one of her mood swings. It was then, without any
warning, without any apprehension and doubt, as if she’s just talking about the
weather, she asks: “Bryan, kelan ka ikakasal?”
With my eyes still wide I immediately told Tita Guing,
“Buti na lang hindi pala ako sumama no?!” It was then followed by a record
breaking time of finishing my plate and hurrying to the kitchen.
A few months ago, after having a long day of spending
the day with friends, I decided to sit beside her while watching her favorite
teleseryes. She just burst out that time, and I paraphrase, “Kumpleto na ang
buhay ko. Masayang masaya na ako kay lahat ng mga tito mo Toto, Bingbong,
Junjun at tita mo Dolly, Inday, ug Guinguing nasa maayos na. May bahay na tayo.
Hindi ko inisip na makakatira ako sa ganitong bahay. Ang bait bait ng Panginoon
sa’tin. I’m so very happy!”
In a lot of ways, what we all do really is for Lola.
Everything is for Lola. I believe that when Tita Guinguing bought the house,
more than anything else, Lola was in her top priority. When Tito Jun and Tita
Thanna settled down, that was for Lola. When mommy and Jamie decided to do some
renovations for the house, it was for Lola. When Tito Bingbong and Tita Jane
had three kids, they were for Lola. When Tita Dolly got worried last Christmas
at what gift to give, it was certainly for Lola. In Dumaguete, our lives
revolve around her. I can’t say it enough, we all just love Lola.
___
It’s a shame that I’m trying to recall all the good
things she has done in her life, I’m sure these are not enough, no words will ever
be enough to describe a woman as effulgent and wonderful as Lola. I feel that
as I am making this, I’m failing her because my mind could only recall so much.
My only consolation is that however my mind forgets, my heart, our hearts, will
always know how beautiful a person, oh what a gift, Lola is to all of us.
In almost three decades of existence, I’ve lost a lot
already. I’ve cried for people far too much. And the thought that grieving for
Lola Esing, is but another tear for a wonderful faded flower in lush garden
called life. With the love Lola Esing has shared, it’s not at all that hard to
continue enjoying life as much as she did, to fight for life as much as she
did, to give so much, as much as she did.
When I go to Cebu I will not try to find you there,
you will not be there, because I know you will always be in our hearts.
There’s something beautiful about what Yann Martel
said about death: The reason death sticks so closely to life isn’t biological
necessity – it’s envy. Life is so beautiful that death has fallen in love with
it, a jealous, possessive love that grabs at what it can. But life leaps over
oblivion lightly, losing only a thing or two of no importance, and gloom is but
the passing shadow of a cloud.
