just this morning
just early this morning, i was doing my usual routine when i get to the office. i parked myself just outside the office to light a cigarette and wished, while inhaling the somewhat intoxicating wisps of smoke, that i have a really good day. i was pacing right beside the building and i suddenly saw a familiar face. it was tootsie. my first reaction was (and you bet it was really loud) "what the fuck are you doing here?!"
it was 4:30 in the morning and she was the last person i thought i'd see. i walked slightly towards her since i figured that they were coming in my direction. she was aloof - with just a forced grin that appears contrary to her reactionless face, slightly wet hair, and normal clothes. i thought for a second that they just came from a gimmick and they are just roaming around makati. but i thought otherwise as soon as i saw her outfit of normal shirt and pants with a huge bag that she carries on her side.
"san kayo galing?" i asked
"pupuntahan namin dad ko," with lips pursed pointing at the hospital right beside our office, she answered in her raspy voice. it was not the usual tootsie.
i looked over at makati med and asked her again, "ay, why? na-ospital ba daddy mo?"
with no pretensions whatsoever, she replied, "'di, patay na dad ko. pupuntahan namin."
i was held back for a second. and being my stupid self, i shot back with " ... di nga?"
i know it's really stupid when i think about it now but during that time it was pure disbelief. it was like piecing together some unearthly puzzle that you just lose all logic and momentum.
all i could do was offer her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. she knows i want to say something more but for some reason some cat got hold of my tongue.
she just said "sa susunod nalang ako magkukwento, i need to go now." she was with her ate candy and there was a slight introduction after that.
she went away. i was looking after her and all i could say was "take care tootsie, i love you!"
you guys do not know how it is walking in the hospital knowing you are headed to the morgue. you do not know the feeling how heavy each step could get when you smell the overly-sanitized hospital. you do not know the feeling of being in a small, long and plain white corridors of the hospital. you do not know the feeling of seeing your family at the end of the corridor waiting for you to finally arrive. and i hope you never experience the grief and agony and opening the door of the morgue. i hope you never experience ever in your life seeing your father lying on a cold stainless steel table covered only with white sheets. it can shatter your heart into a million pieces. not knowing what to think, not knowing what happens next after seeing your strong father lying there helpless and cold and breathless.
how i wish i could get out of work to accompany tootsie to that dreadful place. but i also know that the best thing for her is to be with her family and stay together. i just hope that she cried and let everything out. and if she chose to keep her quiet and be strong, i hope she cries in her solitude. because crying can help although it does not ease the burden.
god bless, tootsie. be strong.
