randomness

these past few days, i try to go out with friends as much as i can. when i'm with them, i try to forget about everything that bothers me. i laugh until my head aches. i smile until my cheeks hurt. i talk until my throat dries. i listen to them until i'm too tired.

but i dread the events after that. i know i must come home. though i really want to be home, i still fear going home. i fear that i'll be with myself again. i fear that i'll be facing everything alone again. i fear that i'll deal with myself all alone again.
the solitude i once loved has now become my nightmare. the still night that once relaxes me has now been agitating me, confusing me. i no longer enjoy the night and my solitude. in fact, i am terrified of it.

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the doctor prescribed two meds for me. one, for my palpitations and the other, to make me relax and sleep. i religiously follow the doctor's prescription. but my research told me that one of the meds i am taking is somewhat addictive and may cause withdrawal syndromes. so i try my best to just take it whenever i "feel" i really have to.
i'm guessing it's working for me right now.

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right now, the only thing running through my thoughts is the desire to be so seriously hurt that i become so sick of my misery and do something to get out of it. my desire is to feel so low that there is just no other way but to feel better.

and i desire to be free from these shackles that contain, crush, and break my spirit.

i will.

i will.

i will.