Saturday, August 3, 2013

Remember me?

I think it has been almost a year since I last posted. I kinda miss reading through my days back when I was still active in blogging. Microblogging sites (Twitter and Facebook, I'm looking at you!) have already taken over. At least for me. And I haven't really felt the need to be writing about what I feel for the longest time. It makes me have to recollect and evaluate how I feel about certain things. After all, this is my repository. But since it's a Friday night and I'm just home doing nothing, I guess, this sort of gives me the go ahead to post it all on here, albeit, randomly. 


I have been in the company for more than three years. I didn't realize until mid this year that this has been my longest stint in a company. More than three years. Wow. First thought, there's still no promotion. WTF. I always get this "Hey, great job on this" "Good job on that!" "I appreciate that." Well, fuck you. I don't need sweet words, I need a promotion. Otherwise, you're just patronizing me and I hate that. Yeah. FUCK YOU.
BUT.

I love what I do. Those fucktards are lucky because I seriously love what I do. It's not that kind of thing you just tell yourself when you feel like you're stuck in a rut. Because heaven knows, I really love what I do. One more extra-curricular thing in this job that I love doing is hosting. So thank for events. And events have been many. 
But seriously, I think I have already set something this year for myself. If there is no promotion this year, I shall say goodbye and look for another company to work for - some place where I'm not just given a thumbs up but rewarded. My beef with this company is that it fucking lacks focus especially on the people who work for them. I've seen some people - good, competent people - leave because of that. Promotion, sometimes, is not because of merit but because of your closeness to certain figures. I shall refrain myself from naming names. 

In other news, it's gonna be Lola's first death anniversary soon. I can't believe it has already been a year. I was just watching the video I took of her a few weeks before she died and I can't help feeling nostalgic and sad. I'm quite surprised because I've never lived with her when I was young - spare some summer vacation I've spent in Dumaguete - and I really miss her. 
I remember when I came back for her birthday last year and I just wanted to spend time with her. It was one of those late afternoons that she was just watching TV when I sat beside her. I don't know if she noticed but I was exerting extra effort to talk to her and really just spend time with her. Sigh. 
Well, it's been almost a year. Fuck time flies by so fast. 

Speaking of time, it's nearly my 30th birthday. WHAT. THE. HELL. 30.
I've never really given much thought to it until last month when I felt I was really gonna hit 30. There's just something in that number that made me wanna stop myself and think about the things I've done in the past (almost) 30 years. No, it's not something emo or anything. It's more of "what have I done with my life?" sort of thing. It just hit me. It really did. And hard.
So I loosely planned what I wanted to do and it was a lot. There is one basic thing, though, in the many plans I've thought of - I wanna do something big, perhaps a first. I thought about traveling by myself alone somewhere. I've thought about celebrating it in an orphanage, too. I've thought about inviting the special 30 people in my life and giving them something. In any case, I just want to do something I don't normally do on my birthday. 
(Fuck I'm really turning 30!)

This is where all this gets interesting (REALLY?) I'm still single. The last time I was in a relationship was when I started working for the company I'm currently in. I was 26 then. I didn't realize that when I get to almost 30, it will somehow feel like a race - a race where I'm not really too keen on competing but it's just there. A nagging, dull, feeling about me being single. For lack of a better term, I'm afraid (not sure if I'm really fearful about it) that I'm really used to being single. I've done things by myself for many, many, many occasions already that it does not bug me. Well, spare this few months before I turn 30 because it does. 

One last, something from the old chest of my memory came back to reality just last week. My immigration papers. After 11 years. I seriously don't know how to feel about it. There's that bleak, hazy, image of New York, though. But seriously. I knew by the start of the year that something really big, something life-changing will happen to me this year. I'm still praying for that and I'm not even sure what it is. 

Oh well. That's all for now. I guess my number of words for the day is met. 

Ciao.








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