this long walk

this long walk

as i force myself to walk
what seemed like forever to tread,
my heart is pounding
and i can feel each inch of my trembling skin.

it seemed to me
that i'm a tired man -
at the brink of insanity
in finding a self
that does not want.

my eyes set itself
to the north of avalon.
hoping that one day
i'll cross the golden mile.

but this road i am traveling
seemed to have lost
its own course
the roads painted red;
my feet glowed blue.

i might have floated
to eternity
cloaked in despair and misery
but my eyes are shimmering
bright crimson and emerald.

for now i'll be dreaming
shooting the breeze over avalon.
for now i must journey
this road i've travelled on.

walking around | james blunt

i'm loving all the songs of this guy. great sounds, great lyrics.

james blunt

=========================

walking around
pablo neruda

It so happens I am sick of being a man.
And it happens that I walk into tailorshops and movie
houses
dried up, waterproof, like a swan made of felt
steering my way in a water of wombs and ashes.

The smell of barbershops makes me break into hoarse
sobs.
The only thing I want is to lie still like stones or wool.
The only thing I want is to see no more stores, no gardens,
no more goods, no spectacles, no elevators.

It so happens that I am sick of my feet and my nails
and my hair and my shadow.
It so happens I am sick of being a man.

Still it would be marvelous
to terrify a law clerk with a cut lily,
or kill a nun with a blow on the ear.
It would be great
to go through the streets with a green knife
letting out yells until I died of the cold.

I don't want to go on being a root in the dark,
insecure, stretched out, shivering with sleep,
going on down, into the moist guts of the earth,
taking in and thinking, eating every day.

I don't want so much misery.
I don't want to go on as a root and a tomb,
alone under the ground, a warehouse with corpses,
half frozen, dying of grief.

That's why Monday, when it sees me coming
with my convict face, blazes up like gasoline,
and it howls on its way like a wounded wheel,
and leaves tracks full of warm blood leading toward the
night.

And it pushes me into certain corners, into some moist
houses,
into hospitals where the bones fly out the window,
into shoeshops that smell like vinegar,
and certain streets hideous as cracks in the skin.

There are sulphur-colored birds, and hideous intestines
hanging over the doors of houses that I hate,
and there are false teeth forgotten in a coffeepot,
there are mirrors
that ought to have wept from shame and terror,
there are umbrellas everywhere, and venoms, and umbilical
cords.

I stroll along serenely, with my eyes, my shoes,
my rage, forgetting everything,
I walk by, going through office buildings and orthopedic
shops,
and courtyards with washing hanging from the line:
underwear, towels and shirts from which slow
dirty tears are falling.

fun, fun night

fun, fun night!

i've just been from a night out of booze, drugs, and sex. well. not really. just the booze stuff. i was on my way to a sure drunken state when i finally called the night off. it's almost 3 in the morning. everything has gone from wild to sober, from loud to quiet, from wide-eyed to groggy. i made my way to the taxi stand to hail my cab.

i thought to myself "this was the night of my life!"

the cab made a u-turn. and from where i'm sitting, i could see the people going out of the place with friends making sure they wouldn't stumble and puke all over the place. i saw all the buildings pass by my tired but alert eyes.

i thought to myself "there's absolutely nothing that can ruin this night!"

even if it's drizzling mid-morning. i'm hella sure nothing could possibly go wrong.

then i enter back to my quiet apartment. reality hit me hard big time. i'm back. here again. square one.

i thought to myself " yeah rrriightt! what could possibly go wrong?!"

so whats with the drama

so... what's with the drama?

the result of repressed emotions often lead to serious popping of questions in one's head. it can also lead to the feeling of loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt. worse, even, it can lead to self-pity.

getting myself into that kind of situation was an unclear-forced-choice. a choice brought about by circumstances that led me to that choice.

so why the repressed emotions?

i must admit, i am a very independent and egoistic person. so telling what i feel, expressing what i feel and saying what i feel are three things i'm not too comfortable doing. thus the poems and this blog. it takes a lot of humility and acceptance for me to do that. and honestly, there are only a select few whom i confide my problems to. mapili ako sa mga sinasabihan ko. but it doesn't mean that i don't trust the people whom i chose not to tell my problems to.
and when i do, the whole story of emotions are divided to a few people for me not to be very vulnerable. but, more often than not, it's easier to just keep it to yourself especially without the hassle of going through lengths and lengths of explanation and rewinding - causing me to remember the pangs of the emotions again.

like i said in my previous blog, it has always been a vicious cycle; a cycle of paranoia, loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt.

and.. what's killing me?

family. i think for the first time in three years, i miss my family.
school. thesis has to be done before december 10.
career. what's next after graduation? what do i do? where do i go? i never wanna say in the future " this isn't where i wanted to be..."
self. who am i really? i don't even fully know who i am.
add to that the matters of the heart and i assure you, going haywire is not a far fetched reality.

buti nalang, nakaya ko. kaya ko pa. at kakayanin ko pa.

pero konti nalng mapupuno na ang salop.

safeguard commercial

these damn voices
a safeguard commercial


" lalayo na ako. please, huwag ka munang makulit."

" wait, eh pano mo naman gagawin yan?"

" basta, bahala na. i think i've come to a realization na. lalayo ako."

" ha? eh di ba may nararamdaman ka pa?"

" hindi na importante yun."

" disidido ka na ba talaga?"

" hinde."

" so ipagpapatuloy mo?"

" hinde."

may lumapit.

" sandali lang. palapit na siya!"

" ..."

" o kumusta ka naman?"

" hindi ok. nahihirapan ako. pero kaya ko to... sa tingin ko..."

" (gulat) Hala! ano nang gagawin mo?!?!"

" tatakbo...."

" dalian mo!"

" (patakbo... pero nahinto) HINDI KO KAYA!"

" sabi sa yo eh... o ano na nangyari?"

" hindi ako makagalaw, eh."

tissue

starbucks' tissue

isusulat ko ang tula sa tisyu.

umaasang sa akmang panahon,

magagamit mo ito

sa pagpahid sa iyong mga luha.

kahit na maluray ang tisyung ito,

alam kong sa takdang panahon,

ito pa rin ang dadampi sa mga

namumula mong mga pisngi.

gamitin mo ito.

at kahit sa pagkadurog nito,

alalahanin mo ang ginawa mong

pagdurog sa puso ko.

isipin mo na rin,

sa pagkabasa nito

ang lamig na nadudulot ng mga natuyong

luha sa unang gabi-gabi kung mabasa.

matapos ang lahat ng ito,

bilugin mo ito

tulad ng pagbilog mo sa utak ko

noon.

at itapon sa tabi.

tulad ng pagtapon mo sa pag-ibig ko

sa'yo.

cumbersome weekend

a cumbersome weekend

very early this morning, i got a wake up call from my stepdad (yeah, i did not think that i would call him that, but it's the reality). he told me that mommy has already wired the money and that i should get it asap.
i was in my groggy self so i just tried grab my phone and save the details on how to get it. he then asked me when is the exact date of my graduation. i have just enough wits to say that it's on january 28th of next year. well, that is if the planner given out by our school paper was correct.
then, during the lucid intervals i had during the phone conversation, it hit me. reality, that is.
i am graduating. and for a minute i thought i was dreaming when he finally said that mommy's coming home for sure. but the bigger plan is that the four of them will go here and go to dumaguete after for a vacation.
i did not know what to feel. as insane as it might sound, even when i'm half asleep, my feet got cold. what am i supposed to do when i meet mommy? it's just been four years when i last saw my mother, but a lot has changed. i was not the same person as i was when i graduated from highschool. my friend, tootsie, can attest to that when she told me during one of our night outs, that i had changed. that i was already not the bryan she knew back then. she said that "mayabang daw ang dating ko." maybe it's true. but my aloofness and rigidness can sometimes be misconstrued as yabang. and it's not intended at all. but still, i have changed.
yes i am not the bubbly bryan you once knew. like i said, things have made me this way. my once dreamer self has now been a cynic. my once always happy self has now been an expression-less poker-face. it's not that i am sad or anything whatsoever. the point is, i have changed.
and it's this change that bothers me when i finally get to meet my family. it's also the change in my life after i graduate. after almost 19 years of studying, i will be part of the workforce and hopefully not the discontented, non-working, well-educated public.
i was still in a bothered state when i put the phone down. i tried to go back to sleep but these thoughts would just play in my head.
after quite a few minutes, serenity finally befell on my troubled head. i just thought about how fun it's gonna be when i finally go to dumaguete after a while. how fun it might be, when i finally see the physical changes on my sister's and brother's faces. how fun it might be when i get to say to my mother that all her and my father's hard work has finally paid off.
maybe.
then i went back to sleep again and woke up 2pm.

=========================

dear you,

what if you choose not to feel anything but you are still feeling it? it's that same feeling that nearly made you lose your mind last year.

in the beginning, you just love to have that feeling overwhelm you with anger, frustration, and sometimes guilt. but you reel back again after some time and gain your long lost sanity and evaluate the situation and discover that it can never be. that it is now lost. rather, it was a never-been at all.

you try hard to cover these feelings and all you get are repressed emotions. warning yourself over and over again, that any moment, this pressure just waits to erupt like the mightiest volcano. stronger than the one that erased pompeii.

however, as soon as this pressure becomes chaotic and destroy everything, you still manage to put out some pressure that builds inside. just enough to make things seem normal again.

maybe it's your own doing that made you that way. maybe, just maybe, you chose to fall and scramble in the dark. maybe, you should not have done that to yourself. just maybe.

whatever it is, you still did. you can never turn back. it's a one way street, dear one. no u-turns, no left turns, and no right turn. just a crooked line for you to follow.

you danced to your own tempo. you made your own rhythm. and it's the same tempo and rhythm that is kiling you. such a creative sadomasochist that you are. are you not?

now, i tell you this. get on, get back, and get a life. things will definitely not be the same and not be those things that you expect but it will be better for you and for the people around you. killing yourself with those thoughts won't do any good. spending your time with all those questions would get you nowhere. it's time for you to pick up the pieces and move on.

==========================

it was my father's death anniversary last 29th.

this is one of the ugliest tombstones i have ever seen.

self portrait

self-portrait

sino ka nga ba?

ikaw ba ay isa lamang sa milyong
hibla ng aking imahinasyon?

ikaw ba ang siyang
himig sa aking mga titik at letra
na hindi ko maipag-isa?

sadya ka bang mailap
tulad ng katinuang
matagal ko nang hinahanap?

sadya ka bang mapaglaro?
sadya ka bang mangungulit
sa diwa kong puyat?

mapusok ka bang talaga
na kahit pilitin kong limutin
ay parang batong babagsak
kahit ihagis pataas?

bakit ba hindi ka lumubay?

bakit sadya kang nandyan - tumititig?

mag-ingat ka.

baka kita'y biglang hablutin!

=========================

billy/bryan

I am leaving today (don't know where I'm going).
Hold my head in disgrace (I can't escape the truth).
I know the price that I've paid.

I admit that it's too late to admit that I'm afraid.
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes my soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but I'm always open,
To relive time in my mind.
Oh Bryan.

I am leaving today (don't know where I'm going).
I've got lines on my face (they tell the story of my pain).
I accept it's my fate.
I admit it took too long to admit that I was wrong.
Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes my soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but I'm always open,
To relive time in my mind.
Oh Bryan.

Once I was a lover sleeping with another.
Now I'm just known as a cheat.
And I wish I have a mirror; look a little clearer.
Seen into the eyes of the weak.

Tomorrow comes. Sorrow becomes my soul mate.
The damage is done. The prodigal son is too late.
Old doors are closed but I'm always open,
To relive time in my mind.
Oh Bryan.

ssshhh!

ssshhh!
mga mensahe para sayo

isa ko sa mga laging nasasabihan ng mga sikreto. sa dami nga, minsan napagpapalit-palit ko ang mga mukhang may tangan na sikreto sa kanilang sikreto. pero mas madalas ay nalilimutan ko rin. marahil kaya rin nila sinasabi sakin ay sa dahilang madali akong makalimot ng mga sikreto at mas makakabuti sa kanila ang maihinga muna ang kanilang mga sama ng loob o ang kanilang mga pinakatatagong sikreto.

ngunit anong gagawin mo pag nakaalam ka ng isang bagay na hindi mo dapat malaman? nang hindi mo sinasadya? madali sana saking itago nalang sa akin ito ngunit paano kung masyado itong mabigat para lamang sa isang tao?

sa panahong ito, kailangan ko ng isang taong papayag na makibahagi sa kabigatan ng loob ko. at mas malaki ang hihingin kong kapalit na katahimikan at pagtitikom sa panahong sabihin ko ang aking nalalalaman. hindi naman ito sa ika-sisira nino man o sa ikasasama ng aking sarili. mahirap lang tlagang magtago.

para sayo:
akala ko ba ako ang iyong takbuhan? kala ko lang naman. katulad naman ng mga nasabi ko sa mga unang entry ko, ayoko na ma-expect. sadyang nakaka-panghina lang ng loob kapag hindi ito natupad. kaya steady lang ako. pag kay juan, kay juan.

para sayo:
hindi ko alam kung kaya pa kitang tanggapin. matagal ko nang naiisip dati kung kaya ko pa. hindi ko alam. isa lang ang alam ko: na ako ay magiging bahagi na lamang ng iyong nakaraan.

para sayo:
hindi ko alam kung talagang tugma ang itlog sa lugaw, ang dinuguan sa puto. pero isa lang ang alam ko. gaano man ka-labo ang pagkahalo, alam kong masarap pa rin.

para sayo:
kelan kita ulit masusulyapan? kelan kita muling mayayakap? kelan kita muling mahahalikan? kailan ko muling mararamdaman ang galak?

para sayo (ulit):
hindi kita kayang iwan eh. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ba ganun. hindi ko rin alam kung makakaya kong lumayo na lamang at manood. hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit ganito ako sayo, pilit ka pa ring ganyan? siguro nakatadhana na ang ganitong buhay ko. magulo. ewan.

para kay soulee:
ikaw lang ang papanglanan ko dahil ikaw lang ang kaya kong panindigan dito. namimiss na kita soulee!! sana makapag usap tayo kahit sa ym lang sa nalalapit na panahon.

========================

uyayi

hindi ko man lang nasilayan

ang kislap ng iyong mga mata
at kung aking mararapatin,

nais kong damhin

ang mga buhok mo

sa bunbunan
wag kang munang iiyak!
baka hindi mo kayanin.
Ang napakeselan mong kutis

at ang mga maliliit nitong mga buhok

na gumuguhit dito
nais kong damhin

ang maliit mong mga kamay na dumampi sa aking nangangarap na labi

tapos nito

ika'y aking itatapon
sa basurahan.

anik anik

concert, ginintuang beer, nakalimutang labahin at iba pa

isa na namang boring update!
linggo nanaman. ang saya. dapat kahapon maglalaba ako pero di ko nagawa kasi may compli tickets ako sa concert nila nyoy, kyla and regine na sponsored ng smart. ngayon, maglalaba ako pagbalik ko. sana lang matuyo para bukas may maisuot ako...
medyo masaya ang concert. kasi nakapagpasaya ako ng kaibigan dahil hindi niya pa nakikita si regine na kumanta. at kagabi ay halos matae siya sa kasisigaw ng pangalan nito ng lumabas siya sa stage.
nainis lang ako kasi parang ang pa special ni regine. talagang kung ano lang ang sinabing kantahin niya, yun lang ang kinanta niya. hindi siya kumanta nung lahat sila ay dapat nang kumanta. pero ayos naman kasi siya ang kumanta at hindi ang madla ang pinakanta niya. ganun pa rin siya. birit to the max habang nakaupo. hanep!

at si nyoy.

ganun pa rin. ang landi pa rin ng boses - in a very very good way. galeng!

bago kami pumunta dun kumain pa kami. pero ako lang ang kumain kasi katatapos lang ni japs kumain. at san pa kundi sa northpark. kung nag mcdo nalang ako siguro nabusog pa ako at hindi masyadong nasunog ang bulsa ko. hay.

forward ulit. tapos ng concert, pumunta kami sa manila pen para tumambay. dapat sa bar kami tatambay. pero kumusta naman, 12 pa lang sarado na ang mga bar. ibang klase! so sa lobby kami tumambay. at umorder. ng ginintuang san mig light na worth 150! presyong hotel talaga! buti nalang mabait ang isa sa mga waiters at kinausap na rin kami. kwento niya si imelda at ang kanyang mga alipores na twice a week nasa manila pen. kwento niya ang mga dirty politicians na mistulang mulawin sa kaka-akbay sa mga babaeng magkabilaan. kwento niya ang mga homosekswal na couples - mga mayayamang homosekswal na couples. kwento niya ang mga mayayamang nakikipag sosyalan doon. at kami. dalawang kaluluwang naliligaw sa grandioso at elitistang lugar. pang ibang lebel na kami! wahehehehe...

hindi ko alam kung ang beer ba mismo o ang presyo nito o ang sadyan pagkaantok ko at medyo tipsy na ako pagkatapos lang ng isang bote. siguro sadyang nakalalasing ang lugar.

charged sa room ang toma! hehehehe!

ngayon. pupunta ako ng school para suportahan ang mga kukuha ng bar exam. last sunday na kasi nila ito at kailangan daw kami nandun. whatever. pero tapos nun, punta ako ng cartimar para bumili ng sapatos that will last me another 8-9 months. gusto ko chucks. gusto ng bulsa ko japeks ulit. tignan nalang natin mamaya.

ay, bago pala ako umalis, gusto ko lang sabihin na ang labo ng panahon men! ngayon sobrang lakas ng ulan. at maya maya lang, naghuhumindik ang araw sa pagsikat. totoo pala yung sinasabi nilang "weather weather lang yan!" bukas kaya nasan na ko?

nga pala, natanggal si jb sa pbb. yes! buti nga!

sige. pero lagi kong nilalalagay dito sa bawat pagtapos ng entry ko ang salitang "ciao"
nag filipino ako ngayon. pano ang ciao sa filipino?

kaen!