DUROG

durog
sabi ng friend ko

it's exactly 2:29 in the morning and i'm wide awake. i've been thinking about what's happenning. there's a lot. i don't like it.

i don't like the fact that i am still financially dependent when i'm fucking 23 years old. i used to be independent for 6 months and that was it. siguro ma-pride lang ako. dahil kung pera lang ang paguusapan, maraming pwedeng trabahong pagkakitaan. answer me this: am i too proud? let's just not say proud. am i still jaded?!
sometimes, during times like these, i often find myself thinking that i am just too jaded to see the reality that i can never be happy AND financially stable at the same time. what's worse, i'm not both. siguro i fail to see the signs. siguro nga, masakit man tanggapin, masyado akong proud. proud to admit that i am nothing in this great mechanic macrocosm. i am just a bacteria. an eenie weenie microscopic bacteria that wants to be something. and that something, i don't even know yet. maybe human.

this prolonged absence from the work force is really getting to my nerves. any mention of work from my friends really hits me big time. i just want to explode. although they would tell me that i'm getting used to this cycle of having and not having a job in jest, i almost always want to explode with things i really want to say. i'm greatly affected. it's as if i'm having the time of my life right now. as if i'm actually enjoying this bumness. this live-for-the-day drama. as if... as if.
lalagyan pa ng asin ang sugat habang sinasabing "buti ka pa may aasahan sa states." WHO THE HELL WOULD STILL WANT TO BE DEPENDENT? at my age, whatever the norm is, i want to be on my own. period.
tapos susundan pa ng isang period. hanggang maging isang ellipsis... pero hindi ko kaya. hindi ko kaya bilang tao.
"bakit hindi ka mag aral ulit"
although i know that my mother loves me to death, i cannot go to school again. i cannot put my mother in the same situation she thought she was done with. and i'm not interested for now either. the day i'll be going back to school will be the day i'm affording my own capriciousness.
tangina. all i can think about is i'm in a rut. in a big rut that i unpurposely dug for myself.
pakshet.

hanggang sa susunod. sumasakit na ulo ko ulit.


ps: i'm chatting with my friend, mimay, and i just concluded that number 1: i'm intellectually promiscuous. number 2: according to mimay, i'm virtually erogenous. sa susunod na ang storya.