tonight i'm giving in

Fine. Papatulan ko ang gabi at ang mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

I remember you telling me that I no longer smile as much as I did the first few times we've been together. You said that I worry too much. That I think too much. Maybe I did that time.

I know I still want to be with you that time. But the not knowing part of you not telling me the entire truth bothered me. Even with the little things kasi, you lie about it. When you told me that, I was already at a point where I feel as if I no longer know you. As if I was unsure about the things you say about yourself, about how your day went, about how you spent your week. Yes, the time you told me that, it was true -- I was no longer smiling the way I usually did.

It wasn't always like that.

I gave you my complete, unabashed, untainted trust when we first met. Yeah, maybe I found you a little arrogant at times, but I completely believed in you. Even when I was fighting the feeling of not giving in to your promises of forever and not ever being apart starting then, you know, I know and I can't deny that I actually did. Too much in fact that I gave in completely. I pushed away all the thoughts of "what if's" that was gnawing through my head every time I find myself in solitude and think about those promises.

I was smiling then. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have found something that's real and that makes me happy. Maybe I was love struck. But who cares? I didn't then. All I knew then was that we loved each other so much we can't do anything to change that. Not even if we tried. I love you and you love me and that's all that matters. Mattered.

Strong is the rock that stands steadfastly amidst the lashing waves of the ocean. But strong and magnificent and beautiful as it is, it erodes.

So did my trust.

I wish I could have smiled then. I wish I could've just maybe faked one. And then maybe you wouldn't have asked. You wouldn't have told me I wasn't smiling anymore.

Maybe I wouldn't remember it tonight, humid and hot as it is. But you're no longer here. I'm not sure if I still know you. Like how I felt I didn't know you then.

Ciao.