emotions

repressed emotions

i can tell many creative ways you can repress emotions. but i won't do that now - it's tiring you know.

i'll just share.

just last night, i was able to confide to a friend how CURRENT repressed emotions were killing me. i'm not - never - good in expressing my feelings and emotions. actually, i do that thing always, if not most of the time. i don't know why. but going back to my childhood, i have never really been that way. during my childhood, people would think of me as a very emotional and thoughtful person. there was never an occassion when i didn't greet the members of my family a happy birthday or happy mother's day or happy father's day. i also remember, before, i will lock myself in my mother's room just because i saw my cousin hit his younger brother.

all that has changed. not that i don't care about anything and anyone. it' a little complicated than that. i don't tell how i really feel anymore. i mean, yes, i will (definitely) react to something or someone over things - being a very opinionated person that i am. but it's purely about the subject matter or situation and has nothing to do with dealing with and telling my emotions. to me, it's like being naked in front of a person when you lay your feelings on the table. there's just no coming back. and there's absolutely nothing you could do about it.
the friend i referred to also told me that "we" (people like the two of us) don't usually (try really)wear our hearts on our sleeves. maybe, like i said, it makes us vulnerable and alone.
maybe it's also the artist in me. being emotional and all but never expressing it verbally. even if that thing really ticked us off, not a word. or it's just me. i have no idea.

one thing though that i noticed though was when something ticks me off and i get very VERY emotional or overreactional (if there's such a word) the first thing i do is to stay away from the situations. stay away and gather thoughts. whisper words of cuss, snide remarks and all. since i never liked confrontations and arguments at all, i shut everything out. so that's the end of them - and me.

pardon the inconsistencies.. that's me. deal with it, you piece of shit. no not you.