1:15 am

minsan, sa 'di malayong nakalipas na panahon, nagagawa kong maging panatag sa mga gabing tulad nito. tahimik, tila walang gumagalaw at walang nagbabalak gumalaw.
may minsanang pag-ungol ng aso sa malayo ngunit mabilis din namang tumitigil.

sa malayong lugar -- malayong malayo sa kinauupuan ko -- sa ibabaw ng isa sa pinakamataas na gusali, may mga taong nagiingay. nagsasaya. lango ang kaluluwa sa alak, kwentuhan, tawanan, at samahan. at lango rin ang alak sa kanilang mga kaluluwa.

di pa tiyak, ngunit aalis din sila sa kanilang kinalalagyan. iiwan ang lugar na may natapong alak sa mesa, mga tirang pagkain sa platito, isang nahulog na tinidor sa sahig, at dalawang basag na baso sa pasimano. ngunit hindi magtatagal ang kalat na iyon at ililigpit din -- lilinisin ng mga taong minsan nilang inutusan ng isa pang baso ng tubig at pinaghingan ng kubyertos.

iiwan nila ang maingay na lugar at babalik din sila sa mga silid nilang walang ibang tunog kung hindi ang nakakabinging katahimikan.

at babalik din siya kung nasaan ako ngayon. sa espasyong hindi kaila sa kanya. sa upuang minsan ay naging kanya. at malalalaman niya ang pagkanta ng buwan. at mahihirapan na siyang sumunod sa himig ng isang gabing tahimik.

walang title

medyo hindi ko gusto ang nararamdaman ko. hindi ko rin masyado nagugustuhan ang mga nangyayari. ayoko sanang isulat dahil matagal ko na siyang di pinapansin. pero for my sake, siguro, susubukan kong himayin ang mga bagay-bagay.

parati kong sinasabi, wala akong pakialam sa mga iniisip ng tao sakin. dahil kung ano ako, ganun ako. hindi naman ako nagpapakaplastik para lang tanggapin ng tao. masaya ako pag ang mga tao sa paligid ko at ang mga taong nakakasalamuha ko ay natatanggap naman ako. minsan nga, sa point na gusto talaga nila ako. i'm talking in all terms. pero minsan talaga may mga rejection na ang hirap lunukin. tanggap ko -- bilang spur of the moment, pero after a while, magsisink-in na siya tapos iisipin ko, "pucha, hindi naman ako mukhang orc." o kaya, "tae, major rejection yun ah!" mga ganun. ang hirap isipin, medyo masakit din sa ego, pero after a while din, makakamove-on din ako. kapalan nalang siguro ng mukha.

sa isa pang aspeto, medyo nabobore na ko. nagpapatong patong na rin ang frustrations ko. napupunta na rin ako sa puntong nagiging indifferent na ko. kilala ko pa naman ang sarili ko, pag naging indifferent na ko sa mga bagay, nawawalan na ko ng interes. nawawalan na rin ako ng kusa. nawawalan ng drive. minsan pinagkikibit balikat ko nalang. maari naman akong lumabas sa ganitong sitwasyon pero hindi ko pa makita ang perfect timing. parang laging pag nagsisimula na kong sumulong, may hahatak pabalik. pero yun na nga, nawawalan na ko ng gana. naghihintay akong may mangyari, pero mukhang natatagalan ang stagnation. okay sana ang stagnation -- pero sandali lang. eh sa personality ko pa naman, i can't be in one place for a long time. siyempre gusto ko at kailangan ko ng progress.

sa banda rito naman, ito malaking question mark talaga. naghihintay lang ako ng sign na matagal ko nang hinihingi -- kung para sa kin, tatanggapin ko ng buong buo. kung hindi naman, sana tulungan ako ni lord na makabangon. sa ngayon, hindi ko masasabing masaya ako ng buong buo. dahil marami pa akong gustong mangyari sa banda dito. minsan naiisip ko na baka masyado yatang malaki ang hinihingi ko. pero naiisip ko rin, yung hinihingi ko naman are the things that i deserve because it's what i do, too. kumbaga i do onto others what i want others to do onto me. ganun. pero parang tuwing iniisip ko, nasho-short hand yata ako. siguro ganun lang talaga. ito yata yung sinasabi nilang life is unfair. if it is, then i guess somehow, i feel cheated.

well, siguro kasalanan ko rin naman. kasi may tendency ako na laging matakot, mag-second guess, magduda sa sarili ko at sa gagawin ko. masyado yatang malakas ang pag-a-argue ko sa sarili ko to the point na natatakot na kong gumalaw. kumbaga, nagiging ugali ko ang, "don't fix if it ain't broke." ayoko pa naman ng ganun.

alam ko wala kang maiintindihan sa sinulat ko. pero tulad nga ng sinabi ko, para sakin lang naman to.

ciao!

angelo

angelo came to us the night my father died. while my father was being prepped for surgery, ate dolly was in labor. i never saw angelo in the hospital and it's been a few weeks after that since i first saw him.

last sunday, nanay celebrated her birthday and to my surprise, everyone was there (except the sons as always). while i was so happy eating crabs and kare-kare (not at the same time :D ), kuya thrist, ate dolly and their two sons arrived. angelo and fernan. i don't know but i really have this inclination towards these boys -- angelo's arrival and my papa's departure, and fernan, the only person in the whole clan whom i share my name with :)

after i finished eating, i went to nanay's room to see angelo. he was there in front of the huge tv and his hands were on the speakers just below it. he seems to be happy with what's on. he was smiling.
see, angelo is a special boy. i don't know the exact term for his condition but his mental faculties are not the same as ours (i can't say "limited" because for all i know, this boy is a genius, pala). it's also because of this that he can't fully control his upper and lower limbs.
i approached angelo and patted his back.

"you like what you see, angelo?"

he looked up to me with his happy eyes and managed to say a few syllables. his expression was that of a gaze, awe, and happiness.
i talked to him again while he was busy watching tv.
a few minutes after, nanay called and asked me to get dessert. so i left the room and angelo to his tv.

after dessert, i went back to the room and saw angelo by the door "walking." i was really happy to see him "walk." walking to him means moving his knees and legs on the floor.
when he saw me, there was that smile again and he was so excited he managed to shout "waaaw!"

"wow! you can walk already!!"

another syllable and he walked straight to me. i walked towards him and helped him get up. when i was holding his hands and back, it never occured to me that he has grown so tall!
i tried to walk him like a baby while still holding on to his sides. it took us almost five minutes to get to the dinner table with the rest of the family. the room's door and the dining table were merely two meters apart.

i proceeded to sit beside them at the dining table with angelo standing between my legs. he was really so happy. he kept looking up at me and was actually laughing.

he's so innocent and happy that time. i know many people would wish the same thing, even for just a fleeting moment. i do.

here's angelo and fernan with ate dolly, their mother (my cousin, kuya thrist's wife).


and the birthday celebrator with her apo's (plus one) :-) i really wish nanay all the happiness in the world.

clockwise from left: me, nanay, angel, lilane, ian, ate cherry, JR, and cheska

ciao!

this wind

this wind

there's this myth that when everything's still and no wind is blowing, you just whistle and the wind will blow your way.

the night is still. after the day's intermittent rains and drizzles, everything is now quiet and wet. all i can hear is the steady whir of the electric fan and the distant chatters of men on the streets. i can still smell the moist earth. from where i'm at, all i can see is the non-movement of the clothes i hung the other day.

right at this moment, what i really pray for is the cool and steady blow of the wind. i don't need the artificial wind from the electric fan - it's humid and hot, suffocating and artificial.

remembering the myth i was told, i playfully whistle notes. first, in staccato. however, after losing my breath, i started whistling languidly into long, single notes. pausing only to breathe but even then, as i inhale, i make the same sound.
as i'm imagining this steady wind blowing in my direction, i feel light as feather. my hands slowly lift from it's repetitive motion and my feet rise from the ground unhurriedly. and then as gentle as this wind lifts me, i see my spirit light up as it moves, waking from its long slumber.
i feel light headed now.
with everything being imagined still, i see that the clothes i hung the other day still have not moved. the palm tree outside still seems lifeless.

i close my eyes.

then, i see that a branch from the palm tree has finally swayed east. and as swiftly as the first branch showed movement, other branches have now started to move. gently, at first. and slowly it builds. turning each branch east, then west. after a few seconds, i see that the branches are now swaying wildly in disparate directions. the hangers from which i hung my clothes are now rattling in their metal poles. clothes, now, have been dancing in the wind as if people participating in a wild dance were wearing them.

the first drizzle.

then, it is raining.

after a while, almost instantaneously, everything stops.

the leaves again are lifeless and the clothes, unmoved. my body is now aching from the imagined fall.

i open my eyes. the night is still yet again. everything around continues to be undisturbed. all i can hear is the steady whir of the electric fan and the distant chatters of men on the streets.

where is this rain?

more importantly, where is the wind?

keeping the ball rolling

keeping the ball rolling this 2007

the eye
some window in greenbelt 4

i want to start this year by saying what i want to say. well, much like what i have done the past few years of my blogging existence. here it goes.

i have received comments not only posted here but said to me personally about my post "silang mga customers." a lot of people told me that it was quite an arrogant post. some told me it was very keen of me to have those observations.

i would want to comment on it myself.

first of all, i wrote that entry with an honest thought of just having mere observations posted on my blog. i intended it to be a writing of one's observation of the things that one sees. i, however, did not intend it to be aggressive, boastful, unkind, irritating, or even condescending.

with that post, i was merely stating facts. never in that entry did i say that being classified under the jologs is bad or negative. for we all know, WE ALL LOVE SALES AND DISCOUNTS. but i will definitely stand my ground when it comes to the other categories like "feeling mayaman" and/or "nagmamaganda/nagmamagwapo." no other reasons needed.

i am unhappy that those observations came off as being arrogant and aggressive, both of which were unintentional. however, it makes me happier to know that i am affecting people with what i write. more than that, the time they spend in reading my seemingly boring entries and even more time to send in their comments or tell me what they think. both of which are GREATLY appreciated. believe me, in this very cluttered world of blogging, i am pleased that, still, a few people take their time to read my POV. which also leads me to another point. this is MY blog. and if i piss people off because of my opinions, observations or whatever is posted here, my sincerest apologies. there are a lot of more talented writers out there to read about, a lot of other things to read about and a lot of other ideas to read about.

with that said, i like to think that, believe it or not, we are all being labeled of what we do, what we think, what we are, how we act, how we do, how we think, where we are, and how we are. but we create our own molds. we always have the freewill as to what we are going to be or how we are going to be. i also like to think that this mold, however it tries to contain us, can never define us. it is always up to us to break out of those labels, connotations, and categories and go out of our shells, so to speak.

and that's my POV.

cheers to another year of sometimes fearless, sometimes opinionated, sometimes boring, sometimes grammatically incorrect, sometimes profound, and sometimes senseless blogging!

ciao!

shit happens

things/sh*t happens

i was thinking. why am i stressing out too much on keeping my current job? what's so good about it? what's not so good about it? is it worth keeping? is leaving my job the best decision i will/should make?

i mean, come to think of it, things happen. shit happens. and, although as controlling as i am with my life right now, i cannot ever make things go my way. things can sometimes not go as planned. it's just that when i was younger, i always dreamed of making it big. making it biggER than most people i know. after graduation, i reminded myself of my goals, my plans, my dreams. i was so focused about this that i was too proud to admit that that might take a while. imagine, i was so bent on not taking a call center job. but after weeks and weeks of disappointments and rejections, look where i'm at right now. the funny thing is, i'm enjoying it (maybe for now). and that is exactly my point. i planned one thing only to find myself in an entirely different dimension and it's not so bad after all. maybe the primary reason for all these is that i want to make a statement. i want to get ahead. i want THIS RACE.

thinking about it, i guess, that was my past plan. but i could never kill myself for not realizing that - for now.

after these realizations, i suppose i'm scared again of the future. what will happen after this? now that i'm enjoying this, what will become of me? i wish i can sing que sera, sera, but that's just not the case. the thought of leaving a job scares me because i'm unsure of the future. i have no plan B. imagine stressing myself into getting good (and this is an understatement) appraisals every freakin' day!

sitting just today, i remembered my mother's words: "life is not a race" she said that to me when i told her about my boss whom i just found out to be 24. i was like "what?! that can't be! i'm already 22! what have i done (with my life)?!" well, it's true. life is not a race against others. i think, the only opponent that you have is yourself.

segue lang: if life is a race, then my god, i wouldn't wanna finish my life ahead of them! ayoko pang mamatay no!

i have come to a conclusion: you cannot live in the past. past is past. it's water under the bridge. and you're just barking on the wrong tree. (huh?!) but seriously, how can you ever reach your goal if you keep on stepping back to attend to your past?
another conclusion:apart from not living in the past, you should also never let the future distress you in any way possible. i mean, come on! it has never happenned yet and you can still take the necessary steps to get to that. it's never too late.

i gotta live in the NOW. i gotta take everything one step at a time. a little sidestep can be good at times but i'll always be sure that with one sidestep, i also take two steps forward - like a dance. yes. like a dance.
and when things go wrong, think: things happen. SHIT happens. don't fret and take action.

the end. bow.

ciao!

rising phoenix

rising phoenix

i always thought that i'm better than this. i thought that although this is not for me, i will make it here - that i will bloom wherever i am planted. and that everything will fall easily for me.

wrong.

i was slapped twice. i was foolish in thinking that after the fleeting moment of success, i will make it through. i was pulled back to the ground faster than i could think. and fuck it hurts. it is slowly taking away the only thing that is left in me - my confidence. i'm beginning to question my choices. i'm beginning to look for greener pasteurs, should there be any. i'm beginning to be restless and anxious by the fact that i have to wait for so long for me to get away from this discomforting situations.

my only comfort is that i'm getting something from this damned situation. and honestly, i really don't want to dwell in these emotions and this logic of thinking. for now, i will lick my scars with a thought that although these things might have hurt me, changed me and molded me into a new thing, i will never be reduced by any of this.

ciao.

exhausted

exhausted.

yes. that's the word for me right now.

i have been meaning to write the most beautiful entry for the longest time. but ideas and words, more often than, not elude me.

any ideas?

got one. let's talk about the most ignored subject in this blog from the very beginning.

love.

romantic love, that is. laughable as it may sound, i have never experienced it for myself. there have been times, though, when i thought for a second that i feel it. then i snap back to reality and i know for sure that it still isn't. i've got a question. how would you know it's love? is it when you have someone? is it when you're ready to give yourself to someone anytime? is it when you can sell your soul for the one you think you love? is it when you feel as helpless as ever because you feel like you feel it? is it when you question everything that you almost become a cynic?

well, for the most part, i don't want to be a cynic when it comes to love. i want to be a hopeless romantic. unfortunately, i am not. i just can't.

before, when i thought that i felt love, i felt as if it was just a force of nature that i can't reckon with. it's like having this huge magnetic energy that attracts me to this person. and i ask myself; but if it's so strong, why was i able to withstand it. get it?

love does not exist?

i don't wanna delve into the existence of love, though. it's just a question.

oh, i really cannot put myself into talking about love. ideas and words just crumble and i turn out to be a pathetic, loveless, and clueless trying hard romantic. so, i should end this now.

ciao!

sa pusod ng dagat

sa pusod ng dagat

hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. malalim na ang gabi at bukas kailangan ko pang pumunta sa isang medical exam. na tetengga na ko sa bahay at nauubusan na ko ng gagawin. kasabay pa nun yung pagubos ng pera ko.

iniisip kong gumawa ulit ng tula kasi ang tagal ko nang hindi nakagawa. pero sisimulan ko pa lang, ubos na ang creative juices ko. parang hirap ako ngayong kumuha ng inspirasyon sa mga bagay bagay. siguro dahil nasa punto ako ng buhay ko na hindi ko talaga alam ang mga susunod na mangyayari. yung parang tahimik lahat. yung nakakatakot ng tahimik kasi parang may nagbabadya. gusto ko ring simulan na ang pagaaral sa mga sining na matagal ko nang ikinubli. ewan ko. siguro hindi pa ngayon ang takdang panahon.

segue lang: bakit kapag nagsusulat ako sa filipino, 'di ko maiwasang maging malalim. kahit na pilitin kong maging mababaw at conversational lamang ang aking mga salita nagiging madrama at maarte. o 'wag ka nang humirit. rhetorical quesiton yun.

matagal na kong naghihintay sa isang trabahong mailap. yung isang trabahong kaya ko, gusto ko, mahal ko, pinagaralan ko, at mahal ko. pangalawa nalamang ang sahod sa akin. pero ang laging kumakatok ay iyong mga matataas ang sweldo pero di ko talaga gusto. humihingi na rin ako ng isang pahiwatig mula sa itaas. pero wala pa rin. alam ko namang hindi sa aking panahon ang panahon Niya eh. kaya eto ako naghihintay pa rin. siguro napapagod lang ako maghintay at kumilos na ko para magsimulang gumulong ang buhay ko patungo sa mga gusto ko.

sige, sa susunod na linggo, malalaman ko ang nakatakda sa akin. bilang ko ang buwan na itatagal ko dun: tatlong buwan.

ciao!

concluding rites

maybe i'm naive or maybe i'm just an optimist.
naive as it might sound, i want to think that everyone has something that is good in them. no matter how bad or how evil they may seem. nobody's born bad. it's just that maybe experience taught them to be bad. however, i'm not making any excuse for anything evil that happens. like in forrest gump, "shit happens". but i think it's in our hands to correct what has been wrongly done. and to fight for what is right.

fighting. will you continue to fight for something, someone or anything when that thing/person/whatever you are fighting for already has succumbed to the situation? is it good to continue in that fight? is it wise to go ahead without any clear sign of what is going to happen? will you? i'm not that sure anymore.

things hard and ardous have brought me to this conclusion and questions. situations that call for character have made me this way.

++++++++++++

thank you to tita dolly for standing by me during all these.
thank you tita guing for making me see the reality and practicality of things.

most of all thank you god, for making me a better and stronger person i am today.

emotions

repressed emotions

i can tell many creative ways you can repress emotions. but i won't do that now - it's tiring you know.

i'll just share.

just last night, i was able to confide to a friend how CURRENT repressed emotions were killing me. i'm not - never - good in expressing my feelings and emotions. actually, i do that thing always, if not most of the time. i don't know why. but going back to my childhood, i have never really been that way. during my childhood, people would think of me as a very emotional and thoughtful person. there was never an occassion when i didn't greet the members of my family a happy birthday or happy mother's day or happy father's day. i also remember, before, i will lock myself in my mother's room just because i saw my cousin hit his younger brother.

all that has changed. not that i don't care about anything and anyone. it' a little complicated than that. i don't tell how i really feel anymore. i mean, yes, i will (definitely) react to something or someone over things - being a very opinionated person that i am. but it's purely about the subject matter or situation and has nothing to do with dealing with and telling my emotions. to me, it's like being naked in front of a person when you lay your feelings on the table. there's just no coming back. and there's absolutely nothing you could do about it.
the friend i referred to also told me that "we" (people like the two of us) don't usually (try really)wear our hearts on our sleeves. maybe, like i said, it makes us vulnerable and alone.
maybe it's also the artist in me. being emotional and all but never expressing it verbally. even if that thing really ticked us off, not a word. or it's just me. i have no idea.

one thing though that i noticed though was when something ticks me off and i get very VERY emotional or overreactional (if there's such a word) the first thing i do is to stay away from the situations. stay away and gather thoughts. whisper words of cuss, snide remarks and all. since i never liked confrontations and arguments at all, i shut everything out. so that's the end of them - and me.

pardon the inconsistencies.. that's me. deal with it, you piece of shit. no not you.

on waiting

on waiting


i must admit, i never liked waiting. but i must also admit, i often make people wait. but what is it in waiting that i never did like? i asked myself and all i was able to come up with are mere hypotheses and not answers themselves.

i get insecure when i wait. minsan iisipin ko, mamaya hintay ako ng hintay, wala na pala kong hinihintay. naghihintay sa wala. i hate that. but i think it's becoming a vicious cycle.

just when i thought that everything was ironed out to what i expected it to be, it turns out, the wrinkle on the cloth was far beyond what i usually see. at nakakainis pag nalaman mo na may sablay. second thing. maybe it is because i expect something to change what was doomed to be the way it is.

waiting gives me anxiety attacks, depression and even panic. and so many times, i ask myself if i've waitied enough or i have to wait yet a little longer. and just the thought of that makes me go haywire. how do you know? and the more important question is, WHEN will you know?

minsan naghihintay ka sa isang bagay, tapos may isang magandang bagay na dadating. dilemma. hihintayin mo pa ba yung hinihintay mo? or you would not pass the chance of taking what is infront of you? and dilemmang yan, sa tingin ko, ang pinakamahirap.

as for me? i am tired of waiting. tired of expecting. tired of asking myself lots and lots of questions that i don't even know how or when or what to begin with.

so right now, i, ****** bryan ******* reyes, will wait no longer.

stop thinking all the time that you're in the way. that you are bothering the person next to you. if people don't like it, they can complain. if they don't have the courage to do so, then that's their problem.

taft: ang pagmamasid

taft: ang pagmamasid

habang naglalakad ako sa taft pauwi, nakakita ako ng isang nanlilimos na babae. mukha siyang may sakit. kalunos lunos ang hitsura niya. nanghihingi siya ng barya sakin. karaniwan, hindi ko pinapansin ang mga ganitong eksena kapag nasa taft ako. bahagi na kasi sa lugar na ito ang mga ganitong pangitain - mga batang nanghihingi ng barya at mga taong grasa, mga taong hindi raw makauwi sa probinsya at nanghihingi ng konting tulong, mga taong namimigay ng mga stickers na "LOVE GOD" at pagkuha mo, sabay ang singil sa iyo ng pera, si jenny na matandang lalaking nanghihngi lagi ng barya, mga taong nakahandusay sa tabi at may maliit na basong plastik mula sa mcdonalds na katapat nito. at sa araw araw na paglalakad mo dito, hindi mo na ito mapapansin.
ngunit sa araw na ito, iba ang tingin ng lola sa akinl. para bang nangungusap sa akin ang kanyang mga mata - "iho, konting tulong lang"di ko namalayang dumudukot na ko sa aking bulsa at naibigay ko na ang bente na sanay pamasahe ko pauwi. di ko nalang ito pinansin. diretso nalang ako sa hagdan paakyat ng LRT (na pinamumugaran din ng mga taong nabanggit ko) sa pag akyat ko, napaisip ako - "ano kaya ang pakiramdam ng mamuhay sa lansangan? ang gumising araw araw nang hindi alam kung paano ito matatapos, kung pano ako kakain. paano kung nagkasakit ako? paano kung sa isang araw ng paggising ko sa mga eskinita ng lansangan, nalaman kong mamatay na pala ako?"

maraming mga eksena ang naglaro sa isip ko. isang araw - paano ko ito gagamitin?kaya naman mula sa pag akyat ko sa LRT hanggang sa pag bili ko ng tiket at pag hihintay sa LRT, gumawa ako ng mga dapat kong gawin bago ako mamatay. marami ito. at pinagisipan ko talagang mabuti ito. mula vito cruz hanggang sa gil puyat at sa libertad, nagiisip ako. halos di ko na maramdaman ang mga taong bumabangga sa akin. siguro pag mamatay ka na, magiging parang isang panaginip ang mga pangyayari. parang ang buong paligid mo ay gumagalaw at ikaw ang nasa gitna, nagmamasid; parang mga isda sa akwaryum. lahat lumalaki at nagiiba ang hugis. at sabay ng ilusyong ito ang mga pangarap na parang natutunaw sa bawat paggalaw ng mga bagay sa paligid.

sa pagdating ng oras na ito:

1. tell my loved ones especially my siblings and
my mother how i love them as much as i could
2. to play a major part in a
musical
3. sing in front of a live audience
4. bungee jump
5. climb a
mountain and reach the summit
6. watch the sun set on manila bay
7. scuba
dive in any reef
8. go to italy and the vatican
9. go to france
10. go
to brazil
11. scream to the top of my lungs on top of eiffel tower
12. eat
buckets of ice cream
13. ride the longest and scariest roller coaster in the
world, but if worse comes to worst, ill be happy in enchanted's space
shuttle
14. watch a catterpillar spin its coccoon and wait for it to
emerge
15. catch a butterfly
16. teach a myna or a parrot to talk
17.
color my dog, honeybunch, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet at
the same time
18. ...

marami rami pa ang mga kasunod. ngunit siguro, hihinto muna ako sa mga ito..

buhos, ulan, buhos

wala akong balak magsulat dito, pero katatapos pa lamang ng aking klase ng alas siete ng gabi at pag labas ko ng silid, grabe ang ulan.. feel kong kumanta kasama si regine sa amphi.. gagawa kami ng music video.. duet kami.. kabaliwan..

dati nung bata pa ko, ayokong ayokong umuulan.. dahil dyahe ang ulan pag feel na feel mong makipag habulan sa mga kalaro mo habang tuwang tuwa naman ang uhog mo sa pag tulo mula sa ilong mo.. gusto mong lumaban sa pabilisan ng takbo at pabilisan ng bike at paggalingan ng grades, pataasan ng talon at minsan, kahit na sa nanay ko lang to narinig, nakakita na rin ako ng mga batang nagpapataasan ng ihi.. lahat yun dapat magaling ka. pero pag umulan, sorry nalang. pantay pantay kayong mga talunan sa ilalim ng bubong ng isang bahay o ng isang tindahang inutangan mo na ng kendi.
pero ngayon, ayoko ng ulan.. di ako makakauwi ng maaga. mahirap mag commute. malayo layo pa ang lalakarin ko papunta sa jeep na sinasakyan ko. ni hindi nga ako makalabas ng building. lalo pa ngayon na nakikipag contest ako sa aso ko sa pagtahol at sa pinsan kong bata sa pag singa ng uhog. stranded ako dito..

ngayon, masarap matulog. masarap magpahinga. masarap kumain. masarap ang hindi maghabol - sa deadline ng report, thesis, papers, recitations, grades at pati oras. kung pwede mo lang pigilan ang bawat pag ikot ng mga kamay sa orasan siguro matagal mo nang ginawa yun. pero hindi pwede yun. kailangan itong umikot sa ayaw at sa gusto mo. may sarili syang kumpas na sinusunod, sariling musikang sinasayawan. habang ikaw sumasayaw sa musika ng pagsusumikap at kumpas ng panahon. lagi kang gahol sa oras. minsan kung iisipin ko, para rin tayong mga bata na lumaki. kasi sa ating mundo ngayon, kailangan pa rin tayong makipag paggalingan. pabilisan matapos ang lahat. pabilisan sa pag asenso, paggalingan sa trabaho, palakihan ng bahay, pataasan ng sweldo, paramihan ng kotse, paramihan ng degree.. lahat competitive. lahat ng ito'y pilit mong sinasayawan hanggan sa minsan di ka na makahinga. para kang unti unting lumulubog at pilit mong pinapadyak ang mga paa at kamay mo pero sadya kang lumulubog. sa mga panahong ito, nais mong makarating sa ibabaw at makahigop ng hangin.. ang pinakamahalagang bagay sa yo ngayon ay hangin..

at ikaw ay huminga - nagpahinga..
bigla mong naranasan ang pag luwag ng iyong dibdib. ang paghinga ng maganda at malalim.

you were able to exhale.
lahat ng hirap mo, naihinga mo na. naisuka mo na. at nailabas mo na lahat ng mga frustrations mo.

kaya ako nandito, sa maliit na computer lab, sa loob ng isang silid, sa ilalim ng isang building, habang hinihintay ang pagtila ng ulan, nagpapahinga - humihinga.


bukas bagong musika, bagong kumpas, bagong araw..

late and stuck

right now, im doing a paper on basically sucking on the university's mission and vision because im so fuckin late! i was here at the university at 9 but the class started at 8.. i know its my fault but do we really have to do this shit??

wanna read a part of my essay? hehehe.. here it goes:

In my three years of study here in DLSU and with the help of my religion courses, I firmly believe that I have been, still am and will be a Christian achiever for God and Country. This is evident in my community services that I have truly wholeheartedly taken part in. I was able to be part of the people that helped the less fortunate brothers and sisters in Binangonan, Rizal, the Our Lady of Fatima Parish in Bangkal, Makati and also helped in the tutorials of the elementary kids in Paco, Manila. Along with my other outreaches, these has been a great help in opening my eyes to the situation of the country and with that situation, being able to allow myself to help them in any best possible way I can. I have devoted to them my spirit, intellect, passion for the arts and what every La Sallian would treasure – time. With the mission of the university deeply rooted in my heart, I can say that I can now continue being an achiever in academics, co-curricular, extra-curricular and social service for God and country.

ok ok ok.. i know its really bad. But i really have to say everything - even if it means sucking up - to fill the 3 page reaction paper to these 5 questions..

yeah, im doing this in my 3 minute break, ok? don't fuss..

anyway, ill post another one if i survive this freakday of my sad life :(

ciao! :)