hold and let go

bibitiwan ko ang mga bagay na nagdudulot sa akin ng pag-aalinlangan. bibitiwan ko ang mga alaala at pangyayaring nagbibigay sa akin ng sakit at lungkot. bibitaw ako sa panahon na magdadala ng galit sa aking puso. bibitiwan ko ang oras na magbibigay sa akin ng mga pagdududa. bibitiwan ko rin ang mga gunita, bagay, at kahit taong hihila sa akin pababa.

kakapit ako sa mga bagay at taong tutulong sa akin maging mabuting tao. kakapitan ko ang mga gunitang nagbibigay sa akin ng lakas ng loob sa kabila ng hirap ng pagdadaanan at pinagdaanan ko. kakapit ako sa katotohanan ng may pagasang walang makakabasag nito. kakapit ako sa ligayang maidudulot at dinudulot sa akin ng mga kaibigang totoo. kakapit ako sa pag-asang lahat ng ito'y lilipas sa takdang panahon upang maging buo at ganap.

waiting room

i'm sitting right across empty chairs. the man on my right just left - puffed his last smoke and stubbed his cigarette on the empty metal tray. there's no one here now but me. i look up and there's a thick smoke almost in suspended animation just hanging above my head. the sound of my feet, anxiously tapping on the carpetted floor, is muted. the sullen white walls tell no story except for the line of dirt going towards the metal bin. it must have been by the man who went past by me as i entered the room. the chairs are nothing special either, these are the ones you often see in government buildings -- five gray plastic chairs screwed and welded on two parallel aluminum poles on each row, and all neatly arranged in three rows. the chairs also line the perimeter of the room. if you become aware, you'd also notice that the air inside the room is thick, almost suffocating. but that would seldom happen because a big clock is hanging right above the door. and if you, like me now, are the only person inside, the only thing you can hear is the pompous ticking of the clock, reminding you of the seconds, minutes, hours you've been sitting there, waiting.

that's the thing about being inside the waiting room. you can observe people walking outside through the glass window on the door but you're there inside, sitting, thinking, waiting, and not knowing what else to do.

my boulevard

perhaps one of the most scenic and most photographed spots in dumaguete is the rizal boulevard. as i always say, you have never been to dumaguete if you haven't strolled along its famous stone-laden path.

in the many years i've come back and walked on its familiar pathway, the placid giants that is the acacia trees always seem to cradle me in its arms. the placid lapping of the sea against the clear grey sand invites me closer to its embrace. so familiar and so warm was the feeling that it has slowly etched itself into my being.

tonight is different. the great cosmos must have seen my restless heart and in pity, laid out the most beautiful blanket of stars and sent out the laughing amber moon. from the horizon, where i cast my eyes, the moon is evidently generous. she instinctively paved a road of dancing amber cyrstals on the sleepy waters of the south down to the tips of my toes -- inviting me closer, drawing me nearer.

i almost laughed with her so as not to disappoint her. because for the many moments of gloom that i've come to her, she has never failed to console me -- always leaving my soul enraptured.

tonight, as i sit along its tree-lined benches, a familiar scent wafted into the air. i searched for its origin and yet another familiar gaze caught my eyes. it was deep and endearing, enthralling and ravishing.
my lips quivered and a slient smile slowly broke into and through it.

and there you were -- my manna from heaven, my gift from the universe.

the moon, obviously satisfied, carefully made her way beyond the clouds and brought with her my beautiful blanket of stars.

it was such a lovely moment after that. then i realized this is mine.

the boulevard is mine.

* 500th post *

love etc.

love is acknowledging hurt. love is knowing pain. love is defining fear. for how would we know light when we haven't stumbled in the dark? how would we appreciate sweetness when we haven't tasted sourness? and how would we truly experience love when we haven't been bruised, scarred, and hurt?

love, sometimes, is a losing game. but in my life, these are what i have come to know: love is continuing to love even if in the end you know that it might just not work - you have no choice but to go on. love grips you in every way possible - you have no chance of escape. love defies logic, sense, and scientific and mathematical formulas and equations - it just wouldn't make sense. love is getting ready to be hurt - inspite of the knowledge that you are tired of it all. love is accepting pain for what it is - you learn not to give up, you learn raise your tolerance for it. love is the gnawing feeling of fear but still, you submit to it - for you know that love, though fleeting, would make you human. love is the biggest sacrifice - you can forget everything you have built for years just for a chance of love. love is accepting the person inspite of the many flaws the person has - for you know that at the end of the day, it's those imperfections in that person that you actually long for. loving selflessly, as you have been taught, is not right. you have to leave something for yourself. but love just conquers every inch of you, the smallest whisp of your soul, the very fiber of your being.

you only know that you love when you have been hurt, when you are in pain, and when you acknowledge that it would eventually end. everything is temporal. everything is fleeting.

intimidating as it may sound, we still love because of and most of all, inspite of.

ciao...

its not all about love

it's not all about love

platonic love, that is.

it's not just because you love each other and everything may seem perfect for both of you does it mean that it is right and you end up in the altar. you love each other, yes, i get that. and don't get me wrong, love is important. it's not just all there is to it. you have to take into consideration the circumstances or the situation.

love will never stop the world from turning. it might seem to stop for both of you but things will transpire where and when they transpire. love doesn't end all conflicts. love, in fact, opens wounds that when you feel like you don't feel it anymore you can just close it. it penetrates deep inside you.

love is the answer. yes. but it's not always the answer. love can also destroy. it can destroy the relationhip you have. it can also destroy trust among friends. come to think of it, love doesn't make you choose. love should set its way to perfection. so if loving someone makes you choose between two relationships, you better start thinking. if you're losing people because of your "love", start thinking. if the world is not going for your "love", start thinking.

love, sometimes, is not enough. there are always different realities to face. love, i beg to argue, does not conquer all.

opposing comments, violent reactions and just plain messages are always welcome.

so whats with the drama

so... what's with the drama?

the result of repressed emotions often lead to serious popping of questions in one's head. it can also lead to the feeling of loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt. worse, even, it can lead to self-pity.

getting myself into that kind of situation was an unclear-forced-choice. a choice brought about by circumstances that led me to that choice.

so why the repressed emotions?

i must admit, i am a very independent and egoistic person. so telling what i feel, expressing what i feel and saying what i feel are three things i'm not too comfortable doing. thus the poems and this blog. it takes a lot of humility and acceptance for me to do that. and honestly, there are only a select few whom i confide my problems to. mapili ako sa mga sinasabihan ko. but it doesn't mean that i don't trust the people whom i chose not to tell my problems to.
and when i do, the whole story of emotions are divided to a few people for me not to be very vulnerable. but, more often than not, it's easier to just keep it to yourself especially without the hassle of going through lengths and lengths of explanation and rewinding - causing me to remember the pangs of the emotions again.

like i said in my previous blog, it has always been a vicious cycle; a cycle of paranoia, loneliness, inadequacy, insecurity and self doubt.

and.. what's killing me?

family. i think for the first time in three years, i miss my family.
school. thesis has to be done before december 10.
career. what's next after graduation? what do i do? where do i go? i never wanna say in the future " this isn't where i wanted to be..."
self. who am i really? i don't even fully know who i am.
add to that the matters of the heart and i assure you, going haywire is not a far fetched reality.

buti nalang, nakaya ko. kaya ko pa. at kakayanin ko pa.

pero konti nalng mapupuno na ang salop.

life love overrated

life/love is overrated

life is unfair, life is cruel. love is unfair, love is cruel.
just when you thought that you have all the things going for you: a better than decent life, a career and a blossoming love life, life and all other things, especially love, comes 'round the corner and smacks you hard. just today, my cousin cheska, whom i consider to be my younger sister, came from the hospital because his boyfriend was stabbed on his side. apparently, they were on a jeep on their way home when a lady, using her cellphone then, was robbed. however, my cousin's boyfriend, mok, being a good citizen tried to stop the thief. the robber immediately stabbed him on the side and on the thigh. the jeepney driver rushed them immediately to the nearest hospital. right now, the doctors are draining all the blood in his lungs and i think he is in critical condition since the wound reached his lungs.
it was just days ago when i found out that cheska was dating mok. and i felt happy for them since i think, mok is cheska's first boyfriend. and now, cheska is in her room, speechless, because of the incident. i tried to console her by visiting her and ask about the condition of mok. i offered to bring her to the hospital tomorrow but she told me her friend was bringing her there already. she was on the verge of tears, eyes - red. i tried to talk but my emotions got the better part of me and i thought it was just best to pat her on the head and ask her to change since her pants were still stained with blood. i told her to rest.
the vision of the blood-stained jeans remained on my mind.
blood red for love. blood red for rage. blood red for anger.
life is unfair, life is cruel. love is unfair, love is cruel.

a tribute to death

a tribute to death

if theres really something that makes me write, its these things: depression, boredom, extreme happiness and death.

just a this evening, i was watching the news when the photo of rio diaz came up. she was dead. she was battling colon cancer for years now.

i followed her story through the documentaries and the interviews made for her. while watching, i cant help admiring her courage and strength amidst all the pains, both physically and mentally, she has been through. what made me admire her most is the fact that she never stopped smiling and praising the Lord for everything. truly a christian optimist personified.

when i think about it what is in her spirit that made her say all those things? what goes on in her mind when death looms just outside her doorstep? how did she prepare for her death? did she receive death with open arms? how can all these seem to be so easy for her?

i guess, no one can ever deny that she is a faithful christian. whatever happens, theres a reason. and all these has a season. FAITH. how can i say that i have faith when i see motherless children roaming the streets? when everyday i see poverty? when i see good persons suffer? when i myself have demons to fight?

she accepted death like it was just a day that would pass. truly, it did came to pass. she went away like a candle in the wind. she faded like a sunset - slowly yet inspiring. ACCEPTANCE. how can we accept the things that happen to us? how can i accept that we are just going through this life to go through all the troubles and pains and joys and fun and all those things but ultimately just lead to death?

she prepared for her death. literally and figuratively. she told her children that one day soon, shell be gone. that they wouldnt have a mother as caring, lovely and strong like her? PREPARATION. how can we prepare for life? whats on the edge of things? how can i prepare myself for the fact that someday, all the people i care for will be gone?

she did accept death with open arms. though on her deathbed, she did ask for one more day. nonetheless, she received death. how i admire her. imagine after remission, she went back to the same thing again.
i guess what matters is not how high you rise but how you rise after you fall. flying high is great. imagine touching the clouds with your nose and feeling the breeze under your arms.. but when you fall. its hard. especially when youre flying oh so high. but surviving that fall is even more difficult. and i just admire the people who do. my mom is such a good example. and i would like to end this post by just saying, i love my mom.

im my own god

isnt it sad when you want some things to be the way you want it to be and you do everything in your power that is possible just to do just that but in the end it just doesnt fall the way you expect them to fall? there's something wrong in that sentence and i think its the word EXPECT. you cannot just expect things.. things are naturally unexpected - for me atleast.
i dont know what happenned to me when i started to even slightly expect something to happen or hope to happen. okay i may be bewildering you. ill tell you all about it.
my bestfriend betrayed me. or so i think. here's the situation: whenever she has some things thats bothering her, she always comes to me. she says everything (or so i think.. again) to me. and im trying - god, how i tried - to tell her whats right (yeah, i know, who knows what's right anyway). and she promised me NOT to do the thing she is supposed to do. well to cut the story short, this sort of thing happenned for like a year. even if im so tired and grumpy and everything, i always see to it that im there whenever she needs me. (and o, before you think of anything else, she is not a "girlfriend material") im there even if i myself havent been able to fix my own troubles and worries - my life in short. and i know, please dont tell me to fix my life first before i fix other's life - im just being a good friend. well anyway, that thing happenned for almost a year. just recently, she promised me something that she wouldnt do. and yes, she did not do it.. FOR A DAY! and she kept on doing it from that day forward! i know im confusing you already but i cannot just post what that THING is really coz ermm this is public.. :|
damn i hate it when what i want to happen doesnt happen. sorry for the long story here but i guess the lesson i learned here is what i wanted to share. that things are unexpectable. god i hate myself when i say that but thats the truth. the truth hurts right? but nobody said that it would hurt like hell! F*CK!!
i guess when i think about all these things there's just one freakin question that i have to answer.. well atleast to think about.. how can i make it right??

now the title is not right anymore .. should be "am i my own god?"
*sigh*