RS

This is one of those nights when I feel really iffy. The person I was hoping to hear from the most has not been replying to my texts for a week. We’ve met last week and it was great. One of the best meetings (it’s not a date) I’ve had, in fact. But after the person left for Cebu, no more texts. Sigh.

I’ve also just had a dream. In it, someone was driving and asked if I could drive, instead. When I started the ignition and began to step on the pedal, I was seeing nothing, not even the road. So I put it on break and tried to adjust the wheel so I can see. When I hit the gas, again, I cannot see anything. It was pitch black.

My dream cut to when I was literally hitching beside the car. Inside the car were Prince William, who was apparently on a secret visit to Dumaguete, along with his security people. 

In the car was also my Lola and two of my family member whom I don’t recognize. I just know that they were. While the car was speeding down the main street of Dumaguete, I looked up and saw the moon. It was perfectly round and perfectly white that I started to howl. Not just howl but howl and convulse. I thought, at least in that dream, it was what I should do because of the moon’s perfection.

Cut again. This time I was in my Nanay’s dining table and eating on the table were my cousins and my Lola. There was this very charming cat that jumped on the table and suddenly stretched around the plate where the rice was. I had to shoo her away.

I tried to look for interpretations online and found something disturbing. It seems that I don’t exactly know what I’m doing in my life and that something inside me is being revealed.

I just hope it comes sooner. Like I said, I’m trying to spend the rest of my twenties in a good spirits.

Tonight as well, I was thinking of working abroad. Somewhere that would really make me build on my own and start a new life. I dunno. All this feeling of getting nowhere (?) and doing something new and starting fresh is recurring for weeks now. What do I do, now?

Baaaah.

That moment when the phone beeps and you want it to be from the person you want it to be and you brush off the thought to spare yourself a moment of both excitement and anxiety and you see the phone and it really is from the person you wanted to hear from the most.

nighttime

what has become of me? in the light of recent events, what has it (not knowing exactly what "it" is) molded me into?

it's like the silent and careful fluttering of a small butterfly hovering on a lonely flower in the middle of green fields on a hot midday sun. the early morning dew has evaporated from the earth and gives off a solid, pungent smell. quietly, a mirage is forming in the distance as the soil dries up fast. what is the vision? is it a sea? a pond? a lagoon?

yet, the small butterfly, not knowing where else to go, gently settles on the flower and dutifully sucks up its sweet nectar.

Seed

So begins the sprouting of a seed that was lain, watered, nurtured, and let out in the sun. Not hopefully one day its vines slowly and surely creep up the very same spade that was used to dig its soil. Not hopefully one day it constricts its own roots and kills the very source of its own life.

undone

I'm totally clueless as to what I'm doing. Work bores me. The idea of training does not bring that much excitement as before. I do, however, enjoy it while I'm in it.

I'm uninspired. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to take pictures. I'd like to immerse myself in art, in literature, in music, in movies but there's nothing inside me that pushes me the same way as before.

Maraming araw at gabi na rin ang lumipas na gusto kong gumawa ng bagay na ikagugulat kahit ng sarili ko. Pero parati ko na lang piniling magbasa na lang sa kama at itulog ang panandaliang pagpukaw ng loob.

Kailangan ko yata ng bagong mga kaibigan na mapagshe-share-an ko ng mga bagong gawain.

O baka kailangan ko lang ng love life.

Baka.

Pero, sabi ko nga, di ko alam ang ginagawa ko.

In other news...

... you're exclusively dating someone na pala. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear you

You know, I've been really out there. I mean REALLY out there. Sometimes going out of my way to just be out there.

There are good ones. There are so-so-there's a possibility ones. There were surprises, too.

But still I come home with nothing. I'm still hoping, though, life. Be kind please. Be generous. I know I deserve it.

Love,

Bryan

of old town glories

I was watching a movie when a familiar sound, no lyrics, suddenly played as background. As the movie plays, I keep a mental note and the lyrics, unknowingly memorized by heart, kept playing on my head. Suddenly, it dawns on me. I'm in this old town. For an hour (or more, perhaps) I was back again in that old town. The movie title couldn't have been more perfect: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. As with the song.

Hometown Glory

Adele

I’ve been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
“Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?”
“No and thank you, please Madam. I ain’t lost, just wandering”

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain’t gonna take it
Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met

Ciao!

Are the wonders of my world

fx chronicles

It's funny how those five notes from a text message alert from an old phone I had bring forth a sudden gush of memories.

What's happening, life?

dusk

It is of longing and wanton remembrance that I am lost in this wonderfully hellish memory of you tonight.

...

I don't feel good. It's not exactly helpful to say it out loud, but I just don't feel good.

the ghost

I glanced over my shoulder for no more than a solitary heartbeat when I saw your ghost. A deluge of emotions ran through every vein in my body -- neither sadness nor happiness, neither regret nor yearning. The emotions were just emotions -- crude, overt, raw.

I felt naked.

I stood frozen, rooted to the ground with only my eyes following the vestiges of your soul. It was after that same solitary heartbeat that I gained freedom from my emotions' solid embrace.

My eyes followed you.

Until you were lost amongst the crowd.

It was then that I knew that the ghost exists and the past is not dead.

tonight i'm giving in

Fine. Papatulan ko ang gabi at ang mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

I remember you telling me that I no longer smile as much as I did the first few times we've been together. You said that I worry too much. That I think too much. Maybe I did that time.

I know I still want to be with you that time. But the not knowing part of you not telling me the entire truth bothered me. Even with the little things kasi, you lie about it. When you told me that, I was already at a point where I feel as if I no longer know you. As if I was unsure about the things you say about yourself, about how your day went, about how you spent your week. Yes, the time you told me that, it was true -- I was no longer smiling the way I usually did.

It wasn't always like that.

I gave you my complete, unabashed, untainted trust when we first met. Yeah, maybe I found you a little arrogant at times, but I completely believed in you. Even when I was fighting the feeling of not giving in to your promises of forever and not ever being apart starting then, you know, I know and I can't deny that I actually did. Too much in fact that I gave in completely. I pushed away all the thoughts of "what if's" that was gnawing through my head every time I find myself in solitude and think about those promises.

I was smiling then. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have found something that's real and that makes me happy. Maybe I was love struck. But who cares? I didn't then. All I knew then was that we loved each other so much we can't do anything to change that. Not even if we tried. I love you and you love me and that's all that matters. Mattered.

Strong is the rock that stands steadfastly amidst the lashing waves of the ocean. But strong and magnificent and beautiful as it is, it erodes.

So did my trust.

I wish I could have smiled then. I wish I could've just maybe faked one. And then maybe you wouldn't have asked. You wouldn't have told me I wasn't smiling anymore.

Maybe I wouldn't remember it tonight, humid and hot as it is. But you're no longer here. I'm not sure if I still know you. Like how I felt I didn't know you then.

Ciao.

randomness

Found this on the beach.

Funny conversation:

Me: “Miss, where can I buy bottled water?”

Staff: “ Sir you can buy it in Meaty Mart.”

Me: “Is it far?”

Staff: “No sir, just a few meters away from the hotel. You can also try Sweet and Sassy.”

Me: “Okay, thank you!”

Ten minutes and a tricycle ride after, a sign greeted me: Mighty Mart Grocery

Overheard in the gym:

Guy 1: “Pare kanina ka pa text ng text dyan eh, buhat na!”

Guy 2: (Walks toward the equipment, still texting) “Teka pare, pera ‘to eh… Aanhin ko ang magandang katawan kung wala naman akong pamasahe bukas.”

Hahaha, nahulog ko tuloy yung buhat ko.

_____

The God of Small Things... like reading

I can't finish my book. Ugh. It's a bit harder than I thought. And I thought it's gonna be another fast read. Wrong. There are some parts of the book that read like a normal narrative. Then suddenly, without warning, it changes, as to how to call it, I don't know. The only thing I know is that it changes. Quite frequently. And that's where I become blank. It's just after reading two pages more that I'll notice that it just doesn't make sense to me. So I go back all over again. I can just put it down and read another book, but I don't want to lose whatever patience momentum patience I still have left. The last time I did that, I never went back to read the book again.

So there. I hope I finally finish this na. It's been a month already for a book that's not that thick.

ciao!

it's all i do

work.

i have very little time for social life and usually i'm with my closest friends. it's not bad.

it's not good either.

for my love life lang naman.

yeah.

that.

i'm sad.

p.s. another useless post from me.

of people and infatuation and life as it is

it's strange. these people.

they like me,

i don't like them.

i like them,

they don't like me.

we both don't like each other.

we both (...)

still waiting for the last piece. why can't it just be easier?

fine. i want a love life na. weirdly enough, i had that realization in the middle of my busiest work schedule. nice, bryan.

i'm moody. i can be an ass. i sometimes play mr. know-it-all. i'm sometimes perverted. and gross. i fend for myself. yes, i'm independent. i need no strings. i have no need to prove myself. for now. i'm eclectic. i abhor labels. i enjoy labels. i'm ironic. i'm sometimes a masochist. and also a sadist. i can be with myself without feeling by myself. i'm a loner like that. i'm thoughtful. i can be sweet. i want to hold hands. maybe show some public display of affection. i like pet names. i think i'm attentive. i'm keen. sometimes emotional. and sensitive. i'm loving. i love deeply. i'm a bit naive. sometimes love blinds me. i wear my heart on my sleeve. i love without reservations. like neruda, i love without knowing how, or when, or why. i love unconditionally.

knock and the door shall be opened.

so.

are you there yet?

LE SIGH.

The Riddle of the Castle on a Cloud

Maybe this is the sort of moment when riddles have an afterglow of their own, a wisdom that illuminates the edges of experience when nothing else can. In a world where half of the villagers always lie and half of them always tell the truth; where the hare never catches the tortoise because the distance between them shrinks be a never collapsing infinity of halves; where the fox can never be left of the same bank of the river as the hen, or the hen on the same bank as the grain, because with perfect regularity the one will consume the other, and nothing you can do will prevent it; in that world, everything is sensible but the premise.

A riddle is a castle built on air, perfectly habitable if you don't look down... And if I accept its existence, then the foundation is set and the impossible castle can be built. The rest is just mortar and stones.

-- p.364, The Rule of Four

i once believed

i was thinking just now about how i believed everything you said to me two years ago. at first i was hesitant to see what you have for both of us because it was all too big and i, being the cynical and practical one, couldn't -- wouldn't want to look at the picture you were trying to paint.

eventually, however, i started to see the little images of us in the future. slowly, yet surely, i was able to appreciate the colors you were trying to paint, the yet abstract picture you were trying to show. and i was there, slowly walking towards your proud painting... standing, gazing at its vivid hues, its tiny complexities, its profundities.

as time progressed and as i began to focus my sight on other things, i have unwittingly seen the wholeness of it in my peripheral vision. there it was in its marvelous glory -- still all colorful, complex, profound... abstract.

there never was that painting. it was crumbling when i saw it. it was a mess -- a huge, ugly, crumbling mess that i once believed to be a beautiful work of art.

the thing is, in my quiet time, i still think of that beautiful mess. thinking that maybe, if only that could have been true, how wonderful it is be looking at it everyday. to have always stood in awe in front of it. to have been experiencing the wholeness of it and appreciating it every single day.

that's all i have now. a thought, a figment of a memory that once was that i once believed.

... creatively

I think I've quite mastered the Art of Being Quiet.

-__-

it just goes in circles

this week i'm stressed. i'm not even handling a batch this week (and the next batch) but i'm quite stressed. it's as if i'm beginning to feel suffocated. things that i have been trying to forget the past few months are starting to resurface and i'm not ready to face them just yet.

they always do.

in those now brief yet often moments of solitude i find myself in, they always seem to be breaking out of those compartments i tried to hide them in. and i always seem to catch my breath when they do.

friday was supposed to be something i looked forward to. yet it ended far from what i have planned -- i suddenly felt sad. and alone. and helpless.

(i'm still looking for that writing mojo.)

i wanted to take a hiatus from this blog thing. less talk, less writing, less thinking, less feeling, less introspection, less emotions... i just read what's on the paper, crumple it, and hide it somewhere i won't remember. gibberish.

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kelan ba dadating? medyo naiinip na ko.

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makikita din kita. =)