Monday randomness

Dear lady who sat beside me today,

It is not my obligation to give your payment to the driver, no. The act of passing the payment in the jeepney is never an obligation. Rather, a matter of "pagmamagandang loob."

So aside from not saying "paki" or please, not saying thank you makes you audacious and assuming and downright rude. Not to mention the manner in which you literally dropped your coins on my hand (which by that time was already overflowing with other gracious passengers' coins) causing all the coins in it to almost scatter on the floor.

OK, so you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as you told the person who called you right after you did that to me. I don't fucking care. It's a fucking Monday morning that we all have to fucking go through.

Thank goodness I wasn't that rude yet to shove all your coins in your cunt.

PS. Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Bryan

-----

So I woke up early today to shut my boss up. Got in the training room at exactly 8 in the morning. Woopee. Yay. FML.

BUT, weirdly enough, I have lots of energy today. Morning training went really well. =)

Looking forward to the coming Holy Week weekend. =)

ciao!

dear you

dear you,

gusto ko sana makiusap sa'yo.

sana alagaan mo kung ano ang meron ako para sa'yo. hindi naman ito ganun kalaaki at alam kong hindi rin ito sapat. ngunit ipinapakiusap ko na alagaan mo ito. dahil kung ano man ang ibinibigay ko sa'yo, wala akong tinitira para sa akin.

ayokong mangyari na umabot sa sitwasyong mawawalan na ako ng pakialam.

huwag mo sanang hintaying mapagod ako.

haay. love...

The following is a letter written by Sullivan Ballou, a Union soldier who fought in the American Civil War. This letter was written to his wife, Sarah, however - she didn't receive this letter until *after* her husband's personal effects were retrieved.

July 14, 1861

Camp Clark, Washington

My very dear Sarah:

The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days—perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing—perfectly willing—to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .

Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us.

I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me—perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you.

How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . . .

Sullivan Ballou was killed a week later at the first Battle of Bull Run, July 21, 1861.

ciao!

here goes three

this person knows already knows what kind of job he got into. the company he works for does not really compensate well. however, according to him, he's willing to sacrifice financial stability for good relationships and better career growth, at least for now. in the mean time, the person is enjoying the time he's having. he complains a lot, whines a lot, and vents out a lot; that's just his way of coping with the financial limitations his job brings. one day he tells me this:

you don't need to rub it in. i know what i got into. i know the company i'm working for is not the best there is. but this is where i found the true spirit of friendship, hardwork, and camaraderie -- as cliche as that sounds. i am working for a company that needs me. tell me this, in all honesty, does the company you work for really need you? they can replace you anytime they want to. there are a lot of people with your skills, heck even better than yours. i am proud of that fact, they cannot just replace me. they have to look long and hard. and even if they found the right person for the job, they know that the right person for the job would not accept the job. i
and, if you're just saying that to make me feel better, well it doesn't. believe it or not, i get affected, too, when i hear you talk shit about the company i work for. so please, do not rub it in. i already heard what you're about to say.

OK. i understand. sorry.

--------

dear you,

we've been through this quite a lot of times already. and frankly, it's already disturbing hearing you go through all those stuff again. i thought we were already in agreement that expectations are totally out of the question? my friend, in these times, the only enemy that you have are your expectations. even if it's a promise. here's an advice: you and promises don't really go together. you cannot expect people to fulfill those promises. as long as you do, you're always headed for disappointments. i know. it's sad. but this is the real world godammit. stop being that way and start to accept that things will sometimes not go the way you expect them to be. but if it does, then good for you. good for us.
but for now, let's just not go through this anymore.

please?

--------

i was leafing through one of the books i have the other day, thought bubble:

you always ask if i did enough; if i cared for you enough, if i miss you enough, if i love you enough. you always tell me what you want and what you didn't want.
but did you care to stop for a moment and ask what I want?

BOOM! wow. very dramatic.


ciao!

with strings attached

dear you,

i am here in the confines of my apartment, staring blankly at the walls that bear witness to the lull this night brings. i am here because i am waiting for you. in the background, the news of someone passing is murmuring on the television. hopefully, this is not a foreboding of what will come of you. i know we shall all be there at one point or another. but i am selfish. i want to be there first.
i wait until i feel the fear of losing you creeps through my back. i wait until i argue with myself to believe what you said: that the present is a gift.
but i smell fear. i taste fear. i feel fear. and it derails my focus. not having you for the longest is what bothers me so much.

this time i am praying that what you said were just lies.
lies to make me believe myself enough to jump from the precipice.
lies to make me believe myself enough to slip a little bit and enjoy the fall.

yes, dear, those are just lies. and i believe.

i need a drink.

are you there, yet?

para sa iyo

para sa'yo

maraming salamat sa oras at panahon na ibinigay mo. natutuwa ako na kahit papaano, naisip ko na ang oras na iginugol ko sa'yo ay hindi nasayang.
hayaan mo, kahit hindi ko masasabi sa ngayon, marahil sa takdang panahon, lahat tayo ay sasaya at marahil, makuha rin ang mga gusto.

muli, maraming salamat at natutuwa akong nakilala kita.

open letter

an open letter to two beautiful people

hey, i don't know if this is just me or i'm just thinking about it too much. but you seem, to me, distant. you're half as fun as before. you're half as talkative as before. i know there's a secret. and i know what the secret is.
i just want to reassure you that no matter what you want to tell us, you will still be the friend that i have known for almost half my life. believe me, we've been friends for so long that i know you inside out. really. so whatever it is that is bugging you, just spill it out and we'll surely understand. hey, no judgments here... at least on my part. like a father to a son, nothing can surprise me anymore.
so, for you my friend, stop being apprehensive about it. just tell me and we can even talk about it. or we won't even touch the subject, if that's what suits you. but just spill it. i am your friend since elementary and i am your friend now, and i will always be your friend. be true to yourself and we will accept you for everything that you are.

sincerely,
bryan

=============================

hi. i just want to say that as you enter a new chapter of your life, i want you to know that i will always be here for you. we might not exactly have the perfect childhood but hey, blood runs thicker than water. for whatever it is your going through, i am your big brother. i will be the kuya that you didn't have for all your life. ask me anything. tell me anything. i won't pity you. pity is for dogs. but i do understand what you're going through and we will go through it together. after this, springs a new life. we will be there by your side and we will be there to take care of you. take care always and don't let anyone put you down. you are a beautiful yet delicate little flower. be careful and god bless. we all love you.

sincerely,
kuya bryan

lintik lang ang walang ganti

lintik lang ang walang ganti
naks!

para sa'yo
i fully understand your ground on this case. pero kapag hindi mo kaya panindigan, para saan pa ang mga sinasabi mong "professionalism"? nakakatawa ka nung tinatakbuhan mo ko. wala ka nang kredibilidad dahil sa ginawa mo.

para sa'yo
hindi naman ako galit talaga sa'yo. pareho tayong may kakulangan. pero huwag mo kong asahang maging transparent when you did something behind my back. at please lang, tigilan mo na ang text. i get it, you're guilty. and you even had the audacity to ask me about it?! the nerve!

para sa'yo
don't get me started on grooming when i can smell your disgusting ass from way over the second floor. makes me puke, man! well, you almost did, actually! enough said.

para sa inyo
hindi ko alam kung bakit binuksan ko ang loob ko sa inyo. i thought that when i give out a part of myself, people will appreciate that. yun pala mga buwaya kayo. ahas. and i'm so wrong in giving myself. dead wrong. tapos ang gaganda ng mga ngiti ninyo? i'm dumbfounded when i think about it. hypocrites. plastic.


you've broken part of my spirit.
remember the name. remember the face. it's this same face you will under my shoe.

ciao!

dear wind

dear wind

napapansin ko na nitong mga nakalipas na araw malakas ang ihip mo. masarap pagmasdan ang puno ng sampaloc sa harap ng bahay habang nilalaro mo ito. nakakatuwa ding tignan ang palmera kapag kayo'y nagaaway at pilit mo siyang niyuyuko sa lupa. at masarap din ang pagdampi mo sa aking balat tuwing akoy uupo at magmumuni-muni.


i love it when you stroke my hair with your hands. i like it when you silently caress my tired and wrinkled skin. it feels so natural. it's like you are a part of me and i, a part of you.

pero naiinis ako kasi hindi mo kayang abutin ang kwarto ko. wala itong bintana kaya't lagi mo akong kinakatok. hindi ko maramdaman ang kamay mo na dumadampi sa buhok ko. hindi ko rin tuloy maranasan ang sarap ng iyong haplos sa aking maselang balat.

i can only dream that you are there with me, gently blowing on me on my sleep. and in my dreams, i can feel you all around me. i can still smell the passion in every touch, the love in every gentle hush.

i have one request, though, dear wind. please be gentle with me, do not be harsh. i have been weak these weeks. my soul is fragile, my spirit tired. i have been failing myself and i apologize for that, dear wind. i cannot contain my emotion sometimes that i forget that i am happy.

but i would appreciate it if you could carry me to places that would awaken me and rekindle my love for life, my zest for being alive.

for now i want to thank you and ask these of you. so if you can, dear wind, grant my wish today. if only you can. if only I can.

cumbersome weekend

a cumbersome weekend

very early this morning, i got a wake up call from my stepdad (yeah, i did not think that i would call him that, but it's the reality). he told me that mommy has already wired the money and that i should get it asap.
i was in my groggy self so i just tried grab my phone and save the details on how to get it. he then asked me when is the exact date of my graduation. i have just enough wits to say that it's on january 28th of next year. well, that is if the planner given out by our school paper was correct.
then, during the lucid intervals i had during the phone conversation, it hit me. reality, that is.
i am graduating. and for a minute i thought i was dreaming when he finally said that mommy's coming home for sure. but the bigger plan is that the four of them will go here and go to dumaguete after for a vacation.
i did not know what to feel. as insane as it might sound, even when i'm half asleep, my feet got cold. what am i supposed to do when i meet mommy? it's just been four years when i last saw my mother, but a lot has changed. i was not the same person as i was when i graduated from highschool. my friend, tootsie, can attest to that when she told me during one of our night outs, that i had changed. that i was already not the bryan she knew back then. she said that "mayabang daw ang dating ko." maybe it's true. but my aloofness and rigidness can sometimes be misconstrued as yabang. and it's not intended at all. but still, i have changed.
yes i am not the bubbly bryan you once knew. like i said, things have made me this way. my once dreamer self has now been a cynic. my once always happy self has now been an expression-less poker-face. it's not that i am sad or anything whatsoever. the point is, i have changed.
and it's this change that bothers me when i finally get to meet my family. it's also the change in my life after i graduate. after almost 19 years of studying, i will be part of the workforce and hopefully not the discontented, non-working, well-educated public.
i was still in a bothered state when i put the phone down. i tried to go back to sleep but these thoughts would just play in my head.
after quite a few minutes, serenity finally befell on my troubled head. i just thought about how fun it's gonna be when i finally go to dumaguete after a while. how fun it might be, when i finally see the physical changes on my sister's and brother's faces. how fun it might be when i get to say to my mother that all her and my father's hard work has finally paid off.
maybe.
then i went back to sleep again and woke up 2pm.

=========================

dear you,

what if you choose not to feel anything but you are still feeling it? it's that same feeling that nearly made you lose your mind last year.

in the beginning, you just love to have that feeling overwhelm you with anger, frustration, and sometimes guilt. but you reel back again after some time and gain your long lost sanity and evaluate the situation and discover that it can never be. that it is now lost. rather, it was a never-been at all.

you try hard to cover these feelings and all you get are repressed emotions. warning yourself over and over again, that any moment, this pressure just waits to erupt like the mightiest volcano. stronger than the one that erased pompeii.

however, as soon as this pressure becomes chaotic and destroy everything, you still manage to put out some pressure that builds inside. just enough to make things seem normal again.

maybe it's your own doing that made you that way. maybe, just maybe, you chose to fall and scramble in the dark. maybe, you should not have done that to yourself. just maybe.

whatever it is, you still did. you can never turn back. it's a one way street, dear one. no u-turns, no left turns, and no right turn. just a crooked line for you to follow.

you danced to your own tempo. you made your own rhythm. and it's the same tempo and rhythm that is kiling you. such a creative sadomasochist that you are. are you not?

now, i tell you this. get on, get back, and get a life. things will definitely not be the same and not be those things that you expect but it will be better for you and for the people around you. killing yourself with those thoughts won't do any good. spending your time with all those questions would get you nowhere. it's time for you to pick up the pieces and move on.

==========================

it was my father's death anniversary last 29th.

this is one of the ugliest tombstones i have ever seen.

ssshhh!

ssshhh!
mga mensahe para sayo

isa ko sa mga laging nasasabihan ng mga sikreto. sa dami nga, minsan napagpapalit-palit ko ang mga mukhang may tangan na sikreto sa kanilang sikreto. pero mas madalas ay nalilimutan ko rin. marahil kaya rin nila sinasabi sakin ay sa dahilang madali akong makalimot ng mga sikreto at mas makakabuti sa kanila ang maihinga muna ang kanilang mga sama ng loob o ang kanilang mga pinakatatagong sikreto.

ngunit anong gagawin mo pag nakaalam ka ng isang bagay na hindi mo dapat malaman? nang hindi mo sinasadya? madali sana saking itago nalang sa akin ito ngunit paano kung masyado itong mabigat para lamang sa isang tao?

sa panahong ito, kailangan ko ng isang taong papayag na makibahagi sa kabigatan ng loob ko. at mas malaki ang hihingin kong kapalit na katahimikan at pagtitikom sa panahong sabihin ko ang aking nalalalaman. hindi naman ito sa ika-sisira nino man o sa ikasasama ng aking sarili. mahirap lang tlagang magtago.

para sayo:
akala ko ba ako ang iyong takbuhan? kala ko lang naman. katulad naman ng mga nasabi ko sa mga unang entry ko, ayoko na ma-expect. sadyang nakaka-panghina lang ng loob kapag hindi ito natupad. kaya steady lang ako. pag kay juan, kay juan.

para sayo:
hindi ko alam kung kaya pa kitang tanggapin. matagal ko nang naiisip dati kung kaya ko pa. hindi ko alam. isa lang ang alam ko: na ako ay magiging bahagi na lamang ng iyong nakaraan.

para sayo:
hindi ko alam kung talagang tugma ang itlog sa lugaw, ang dinuguan sa puto. pero isa lang ang alam ko. gaano man ka-labo ang pagkahalo, alam kong masarap pa rin.

para sayo:
kelan kita ulit masusulyapan? kelan kita muling mayayakap? kelan kita muling mahahalikan? kailan ko muling mararamdaman ang galak?

para sayo (ulit):
hindi kita kayang iwan eh. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ba ganun. hindi ko rin alam kung makakaya kong lumayo na lamang at manood. hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit ganito ako sayo, pilit ka pa ring ganyan? siguro nakatadhana na ang ganitong buhay ko. magulo. ewan.

para kay soulee:
ikaw lang ang papanglanan ko dahil ikaw lang ang kaya kong panindigan dito. namimiss na kita soulee!! sana makapag usap tayo kahit sa ym lang sa nalalapit na panahon.

========================

uyayi

hindi ko man lang nasilayan

ang kislap ng iyong mga mata
at kung aking mararapatin,

nais kong damhin

ang mga buhok mo

sa bunbunan
wag kang munang iiyak!
baka hindi mo kayanin.
Ang napakeselan mong kutis

at ang mga maliliit nitong mga buhok

na gumuguhit dito
nais kong damhin

ang maliit mong mga kamay na dumampi sa aking nangangarap na labi

tapos nito

ika'y aking itatapon
sa basurahan.

dear you

dear you

so you ride the escalade. you stroll down the pathway with utter disregard to who you bump into, who you step onto. you play your own games, make your own rules. you have your own time to spend. you have your world to yourself. yes. you are a bonafide dying breed. so you think. you are no different from others whom you regard as scums or beggars. uh-huh, you are no different. so face the music. before the music faces you and makes you dance not on your own rhythm, not on your own count. and you will regret the day you knew what you think you knew.

you are no different.