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i received a text from pam, my office mate, the other day. it said:

Si Pam ay:
pero:
di ko ineexpect na:
thanks sa:
ganda ng:
cute siya:
sana:

i was so suprised that pam sent me that because i thought it was conceited. or did i? so i texted the same to some friends mwehehehehe.
funny how they really replied and took it seriously haha.
here are some of the replies i received sans the text language and spelling.

gela - my office mate
si bryan ay makulit
pero cute
thanks sa friendship
di ko ine-expect na mabait ka
ganda ng smile mo
cute siya pag tumatawa
sana maregularize ka
sana malaman mo na thankful ako na friend kita

* this is so g-rated, i love it haha.

erika - my girl-friend
si bryan ay perfect guy
pero may pact kami :)
thanks sa friendship
di ko ine-expect na sobrang sarap mong kausap
ganda ng built
cute siya pag tawa ng tawa
sana makita ko siya kay ate cel bago ako mag-graduate
sana malaman niya na love na love ko siya and that i can't imagine life without a great friend like him

* might be wondering what that pact is. well, it started out one day when we were talking about out non-existent love life and we were cheering each other up like: "why don't you find a new boyfriend, you're really pretty you know" and "you know what, you're what i want in a guy - you're perfect for me!" and we suddenly looked at each other and laughed. and we said "but please let's promise each other that we won't - ever - hook up. and we laughed our asses off. LOL.

tootsie - high school friend (up to now!)
si bryan ay siokoy
pero may pingas ang ilong
thanks sa inuman mems
di ko ine-expect na magyoyosi ka din
ganda ng friend niyang si tootsie
cute siya pag halloween
sana pumartee na rin siya
sana malaman niya na 4h mems na

* hmmm, tootsie... parteeE? *shakes head* hahahaha lol. :)

elisa - forever friend
si bryan ay puta
pero gwapo
thanks sa lahat lahat for the past decade
di ko ine-expect na manliligaw sakin
cute siya pag kumakanta
sana di na siya ma-depress
sana malaman niya na ico-confine ako mamayang gabi for blood transfusion sa manila doctors

* fyi: yes i love whoring. cam whoring. elisa, you pig! hehehe jk! and i hope that it's not cancer.

shit happens

things/sh*t happens

i was thinking. why am i stressing out too much on keeping my current job? what's so good about it? what's not so good about it? is it worth keeping? is leaving my job the best decision i will/should make?

i mean, come to think of it, things happen. shit happens. and, although as controlling as i am with my life right now, i cannot ever make things go my way. things can sometimes not go as planned. it's just that when i was younger, i always dreamed of making it big. making it biggER than most people i know. after graduation, i reminded myself of my goals, my plans, my dreams. i was so focused about this that i was too proud to admit that that might take a while. imagine, i was so bent on not taking a call center job. but after weeks and weeks of disappointments and rejections, look where i'm at right now. the funny thing is, i'm enjoying it (maybe for now). and that is exactly my point. i planned one thing only to find myself in an entirely different dimension and it's not so bad after all. maybe the primary reason for all these is that i want to make a statement. i want to get ahead. i want THIS RACE.

thinking about it, i guess, that was my past plan. but i could never kill myself for not realizing that - for now.

after these realizations, i suppose i'm scared again of the future. what will happen after this? now that i'm enjoying this, what will become of me? i wish i can sing que sera, sera, but that's just not the case. the thought of leaving a job scares me because i'm unsure of the future. i have no plan B. imagine stressing myself into getting good (and this is an understatement) appraisals every freakin' day!

sitting just today, i remembered my mother's words: "life is not a race" she said that to me when i told her about my boss whom i just found out to be 24. i was like "what?! that can't be! i'm already 22! what have i done (with my life)?!" well, it's true. life is not a race against others. i think, the only opponent that you have is yourself.

segue lang: if life is a race, then my god, i wouldn't wanna finish my life ahead of them! ayoko pang mamatay no!

i have come to a conclusion: you cannot live in the past. past is past. it's water under the bridge. and you're just barking on the wrong tree. (huh?!) but seriously, how can you ever reach your goal if you keep on stepping back to attend to your past?
another conclusion:apart from not living in the past, you should also never let the future distress you in any way possible. i mean, come on! it has never happenned yet and you can still take the necessary steps to get to that. it's never too late.

i gotta live in the NOW. i gotta take everything one step at a time. a little sidestep can be good at times but i'll always be sure that with one sidestep, i also take two steps forward - like a dance. yes. like a dance.
and when things go wrong, think: things happen. SHIT happens. don't fret and take action.

the end. bow.

ciao!

putangina

putanginang yan. lahat na nga ginagawa mo, tapos hindi pa rin nagiging tama ang mga bagay bagay.
god knows i try my hardest to please people at work. god knows the passion in my heart to help out those damned whiny customers. and in return, they'd give me a failing survey?! WHAT. THE. FUCK!

maybe it's a way of god telling me that i should have waited for him to do his thing. and that i was so impatient in taking this job that i have right now. but whatever. i hurts like freaking hell.

my 5th month appraisal is getting the best of me partly because i had the worst rating i could get on my 100th day. honestly, when you ask me to rate myself, i would rate myself a 3.5 out of 4. but no matter how i tell myself that, it is still those customers and my supervisor who give me those ratings. whatever. dammit.

at habang hirap ka na sa paglalagay ng pilit na ngiti sa mukha mo, dadagdagan pa ng supervisor mo ang hirap mo sa pagtatanong ng: "If worse comes to worst, do you have a plan if you don't get regularized?"

PUTANG. INA.

thanks ah! pero mabait naman ang supervisor ko. wala naman akong reklamo sa kanya talga. i just don't appreciate the fact that he asked me that question during the day that i had long discussions with my customers AND got my ZERO rating survey - again. pag minalas ka nga naman.

so. jobstreet. we meet again.

july27

july 27

it was my father's birthday last july 27 and we went to the cemetery today to visit

three times three

three times three

i'm feeling weird and i'll try to tell you why.

i dunno what happenned in the short span of months i'm in the office, but some things just go like "WHAAT?!?!"
first i had a stalker which i didn't write about here. she was irritatingly (and unnecessarily) needy and demanding. acting like she's my girlfriend. i thought it was over. then comes another one babbling those damned three words. then another one. have they lost their minds? this is just me, for crying out loud. i haven't changed in a way that might solicit those three words. and those three words! has it lost it's meaning already - being thrown around like just some cheap pop?

one person even gave me a note stating those bloody three words. and she's even making me kulit to read it. i've read it and i just brushed it aside. i forgot how to react to those words anymore. or worse, i never knew how to react.

hay. the story of my life. anyway, fyi, i might be resigning anytime soon. i just found out that one of my friends in the office has not been approved for regularization. and my standing is really not too different from her. i like my job. i think i want to stay there much longer. i love the people there, they're so cool to work with. but with the way things are going, i don't think i'm cut out for them. too bad.

until then, ciao!

rising phoenix

rising phoenix

i always thought that i'm better than this. i thought that although this is not for me, i will make it here - that i will bloom wherever i am planted. and that everything will fall easily for me.

wrong.

i was slapped twice. i was foolish in thinking that after the fleeting moment of success, i will make it through. i was pulled back to the ground faster than i could think. and fuck it hurts. it is slowly taking away the only thing that is left in me - my confidence. i'm beginning to question my choices. i'm beginning to look for greener pasteurs, should there be any. i'm beginning to be restless and anxious by the fact that i have to wait for so long for me to get away from this discomforting situations.

my only comfort is that i'm getting something from this damned situation. and honestly, i really don't want to dwell in these emotions and this logic of thinking. for now, i will lick my scars with a thought that although these things might have hurt me, changed me and molded me into a new thing, i will never be reduced by any of this.

ciao.

dear wind

dear wind

napapansin ko na nitong mga nakalipas na araw malakas ang ihip mo. masarap pagmasdan ang puno ng sampaloc sa harap ng bahay habang nilalaro mo ito. nakakatuwa ding tignan ang palmera kapag kayo'y nagaaway at pilit mo siyang niyuyuko sa lupa. at masarap din ang pagdampi mo sa aking balat tuwing akoy uupo at magmumuni-muni.


i love it when you stroke my hair with your hands. i like it when you silently caress my tired and wrinkled skin. it feels so natural. it's like you are a part of me and i, a part of you.

pero naiinis ako kasi hindi mo kayang abutin ang kwarto ko. wala itong bintana kaya't lagi mo akong kinakatok. hindi ko maramdaman ang kamay mo na dumadampi sa buhok ko. hindi ko rin tuloy maranasan ang sarap ng iyong haplos sa aking maselang balat.

i can only dream that you are there with me, gently blowing on me on my sleep. and in my dreams, i can feel you all around me. i can still smell the passion in every touch, the love in every gentle hush.

i have one request, though, dear wind. please be gentle with me, do not be harsh. i have been weak these weeks. my soul is fragile, my spirit tired. i have been failing myself and i apologize for that, dear wind. i cannot contain my emotion sometimes that i forget that i am happy.

but i would appreciate it if you could carry me to places that would awaken me and rekindle my love for life, my zest for being alive.

for now i want to thank you and ask these of you. so if you can, dear wind, grant my wish today. if only you can. if only I can.

just this morning

just this morning

just early this morning, i was doing my usual routine when i get to the office. i parked myself just outside the office to light a cigarette and wished, while inhaling the somewhat intoxicating wisps of smoke, that i have a really good day. i was pacing right beside the building and i suddenly saw a familiar face. it was tootsie. my first reaction was (and you bet it was really loud) "what the fuck are you doing here?!"
it was 4:30 in the morning and she was the last person i thought i'd see. i walked slightly towards her since i figured that they were coming in my direction. she was aloof - with just a forced grin that appears contrary to her reactionless face, slightly wet hair, and normal clothes. i thought for a second that they just came from a gimmick and they are just roaming around makati. but i thought otherwise as soon as i saw her outfit of normal shirt and pants with a huge bag that she carries on her side.

"san kayo galing?" i asked

"pupuntahan namin dad ko," with lips pursed pointing at the hospital right beside our office, she answered in her raspy voice. it was not the usual tootsie.

i looked over at makati med and asked her again, "ay, why? na-ospital ba daddy mo?"

with no pretensions whatsoever, she replied, "'di, patay na dad ko. pupuntahan namin."

i was held back for a second. and being my stupid self, i shot back with " ... di nga?"

i know it's really stupid when i think about it now but during that time it was pure disbelief. it was like piecing together some unearthly puzzle that you just lose all logic and momentum.

at siya, na sa tingin ko ay nasa panahon na kailangang utak muna ang pairalin at kailangang gawin muna ang mga dapat gawin, ay sumagot lang ng " oo nga.."

all i could do was offer her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. she knows i want to say something more but for some reason some cat got hold of my tongue.

she just said "sa susunod nalang ako magkukwento, i need to go now." she was with her ate candy and there was a slight introduction after that.

she went away. i was looking after her and all i could say was "take care tootsie, i love you!"

you guys do not know how it is walking in the hospital knowing you are headed to the morgue. you do not know the feeling how heavy each step could get when you smell the overly-sanitized hospital. you do not know the feeling of being in a small, long and plain white corridors of the hospital. you do not know the feeling of seeing your family at the end of the corridor waiting for you to finally arrive. and i hope you never experience the grief and agony and opening the door of the morgue. i hope you never experience ever in your life seeing your father lying on a cold stainless steel table covered only with white sheets. it can shatter your heart into a million pieces. not knowing what to think, not knowing what happens next after seeing your strong father lying there helpless and cold and breathless.

how i wish i could get out of work to accompany tootsie to that dreadful place. but i also know that the best thing for her is to be with her family and stay together. i just hope that she cried and let everything out. and if she chose to keep her quiet and be strong, i hope she cries in her solitude. because crying can help although it does not ease the burden.

god bless, tootsie. be strong.

i am happy

i am happy

i just came from a very long bath and i feel so tired.
it's my rest day today and all i did was clean the house and do my laundry. i'm not complaining though.

right now, i can truly say that i'm happy with the way things are going in my life. i don't have the perfect job, i don't have the perfect friends, i don't have the perfect situations, but these imperfections really do make my life all worthwhile - easier and lovable.

i am not expecting any more drama this year because first thing i'll do is to shut the drama off. i've been there, i've done that, nothing more to it. one thing i've learned though is that when God shuts the door, it's not just the window he leaves open, the backdoor is always wide open. there will always be a silver lining on each rain cloud. luckily i found mine.

i'm happy now.

it's been too long since i said that. and it feels so damn good!

I AM HAPPY!

oo

oo

di mo lang alam, naiisip kita
baka sakali lang, maisip mo ako
di mo lang alam, hanggang sa gabi
inaasam makita kang muli

hindi mo lang alam kay tagal nang panahon
akoy nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon, para sayo
lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
kung akoy nagkasala, patawad na sana
ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

di mo lang alam akoy iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

di mo lang alam, kahit tayoy magkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
akoy nandito lang, hindi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman

kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko
sanay di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
kung alam ko lang akoy yong masasaktan ng ganito
sanay nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

di mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
baka sakali lang maisip mo namang
puro siya na lang, sanay ako naman
di mo lang alam, ikay minamasdan
sanay iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam
malas mo . . . ikaw ang natipuhan ko
di mo lang alam, akoy yong nasaktan..