salamat parekoi

minsan, kailangan mong magpasalamat sa mga bagay na malamig. tulad nalang nito.


samahan pa ng marlboro lights habang malamig ang panahon, mabuti nalang.

salamat, salamat, salamat.


photo from this site.

circles

as i spin incessantly in growing circles, i pray that my axis would not let go of me.

sometimes it's hard to know if you love enough. or if you love too much. sometimes it's impossible to know the opportune time to let go. or not to let go still. how does one know if the love one gives is not the love that is warranted? or needed? or wanted? such a murderous sword this love.

i don't want to hurt people. i can't hurt people.

i feel like i want to just suddenly disappear into thin air -- that is without fanfare, without drama, without any effects. dissolve into oblivion.

yet, at the same time, the fire that scorches me warms me, heats me, and breathes life to me.

can i just say?

can i just say that i love you so much that i don't care about what other people say and even if i can barely afford anything for myself?

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can i just say that i love you and i'm sorry if i won't be able to see you soon as was planned? i'm just praying for it -- no matter what it is.

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can i just say that i love you despite the fact that sometimes i ignore you and your needs? sometimes i realize that i place you second, and even third, in my priorities and i know it's quite bad.

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can i just say that i love you even if sometimes it is just so _____ly frustrating.

ciao!

zamba pics

as promised, this year's zamba pics.

click pic to direct you to my multiply site.

of bad things and validations

so i'm back in manila scratch-free. and yes, quite a few bad things happened. that's gonna be another post. (pics in a few days)

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i lost something in laoag. i have been keeping that thing for about two years already. funny thing is, i never looked for it anymore. i thought about how i lost it, but i never exerted any effort in finding it or asking the hotel staff about it. i think this is great proof, my validation, about what i've been saying in the past entries -- i've finally moved on and i'm happy where i'm at now. =)

ciao!

pwedeng mag mura lang?

PUTANGENA LANG TALAGA!!!

ang daming mali.

ang daming bulilyaso.

is this the great cosmos's way of telling me to not go?!

que frustrating. i want to cry.

post zambales

i just came home. surprisingly, i am not tired. maybe because at the back of my head, i know laoag is more than twice the road distance we traveled.

for the record, laugh trip tong bakasyon na to. for two straight nights, we went back to our rooms literally crawling on the floor kasi ang sakit ng tiyan namin kakatawa. kami lahat magpipinsan and my aunts. ang saya lang.

anyway, that's all. pictures to follow. expect butt cracks and "white lightnings" bwahahahahha.

ciao!

masaya

kahit na may apat na naglalakihang pimples sa mukha ko, at maraming beses akong makikita ng mga tao sa mga susunod na linggo, at may event kami in two weeks, at magbi-beach kami bukas, i'm happy.

kahit na medyo nagigipit na ko at halos wala na kong mabunot sa wallet at sa atm ko, kahit na hindi na ko nakakapag grocery in the last month, i'm happy.

kahit na madalas akong mag-isa sa bahay at wala akong ibang kausap kung hindi ang mga pader, kama, ilaw, at mga kasangkapan, o kaya nakaharap sa tv o sa computer, o kaya yakap yakap ang paborito kong unan, i'm happy.

kahit na feeling ko magkakasakit ako, at nararamdaman kong nanghihina ang katawan ko kahit anong gawin kong pagtulog, i'm happy.

kahit na sobrang init -- nakakapaso ng balat, at sa tingin ko kaya rin ako nagkakapimples, at nakakalagkit ng katawan at nakakainit ng ulo, i'm happy.

kahit na maraming nangyayari sa paligid ko na dapat kong ikainis at ikalungkot, at sinasabayan siya ng lahat ng nasa taas, i'm happy.

ewan ko, masaya ako ngayong araw na 'to, mahirap itago.

happy holy week!

ciao!

help

i need help.

i feel so ugly inside out =(

my face is breaking out. as far as i know, i only have pimples when i'm in a stressful situation. i think i'm in one, i'm not sure though. i also think it's because of the heat and my facial soap combined. this is depressing. and we have an event in two weeks. ang panget ko na nga, ang panget pa ng balat ko. =(

i'm also very emotional the past few weeks. i get ticked off very easily. fuck it. i try my hardest naman not be. but sometimes... ugh.. i hate it. =(

help. =(

waiting room

i'm sitting right across empty chairs. the man on my right just left - puffed his last smoke and stubbed his cigarette on the empty metal tray. there's no one here now but me. i look up and there's a thick smoke almost in suspended animation just hanging above my head. the sound of my feet, anxiously tapping on the carpetted floor, is muted. the sullen white walls tell no story except for the line of dirt going towards the metal bin. it must have been by the man who went past by me as i entered the room. the chairs are nothing special either, these are the ones you often see in government buildings -- five gray plastic chairs screwed and welded on two parallel aluminum poles on each row, and all neatly arranged in three rows. the chairs also line the perimeter of the room. if you become aware, you'd also notice that the air inside the room is thick, almost suffocating. but that would seldom happen because a big clock is hanging right above the door. and if you, like me now, are the only person inside, the only thing you can hear is the pompous ticking of the clock, reminding you of the seconds, minutes, hours you've been sitting there, waiting.

that's the thing about being inside the waiting room. you can observe people walking outside through the glass window on the door but you're there inside, sitting, thinking, waiting, and not knowing what else to do.

curtain call

tomorrow's gonna be the last great show of my life.

and it's going to be the last show as well.

bittersweet, indeed.

*tear*

...

where is the love?

my ipod

i bought my ipod last december of 2007 as a christmas present to myself. a few days after, i had buyer's remorse -- just 'cuz i wasn't really planning on buying one -- macky forced me. lol.

but after a few weeks, it's one of the things i can't leave behind -- together with my cellphone, watch, wallet, and hanky.

while i was charging, i saw all the songs and movies in my ipod. out of the 80G i have (the same size as my pc's hard drive now =( )...

17.99G audio
12.58G movies
114.8MB photos
293MB others

all that in a little over a year. as for my playlist, these have been the most played:

113 gravity by sara bareilles
98 i'm yours by jason mraz
94 lucky by jason mraz and colbie caillat
90 the man who can't be moved by the script
85 butterfly by jason mraz
83 make it mine by jason mraz
83 live high by jason mraz
82 one sweet love by sara bareilles
80 come round soon by sara bareilles
78 love for a child by jason mraz
77 morningside by sara bareilles

uhmm, yeah they're two/three of my favorite musicians. what didn't reflect there are songs by james blunt, alanis morisette, and frou frou/imogen heap.

well, that's all. sharing lang ulit.

ciao!

totally random thoughts

nung nag-aaral pa ko, kahit anong galing ng nagtuturo sakin, hirap silang ipaintindi sakin ang mga konsepto sa math. kahit lumuha sila ng dugo at magtatambling at kumain ng apoy sa harap ko, hirap talaga akong intindihin ang math. hindi naman ako bobo. ayoko lang talaga ng mga numero. pag numero na ang pinaguusapan, kusang lumilipad ang utak papalayo sa mga panget na numero at mga kung ano ano pang mga plus sign, minus sign, factorial, sine, cosine at kung ano ano pa. pucha, pakelam ko kung ang asymptote ay hindi na posible pang dumikit sa x-axis? ang naiintindihan ko dun, malungkot ang buhay ng asymptote, forever close, but never meeting at one point. hehe o diba, ang emo lang ng math.

sa math yun. (di pwedeng ang isa, higit sa dalawa)

pero sa anu pang mga bagay, madali akong turuan. pag kinausap kita at tinarantado mo ko, dalawa ang pwedeng mangyari -- hindi na kita kakausapin, o kaya, tatarantaduhin din kita sa susunod. pag inasar kita at napikon ka, may dalawang choices din ako -- wag ka nang asarin o kaya, aasarin kita, pero hindi kita pipikunin. kapag may pinagawa ka sakin, gagawin ko naman (basta ba hindi ilegal at kaya ng powers ko), pero pag nagbackfire sakin ang ginawa ko, eh wag ka nang umasang gawin ko pa ulit yun. marunong naman akong mapaso. hindi naman siguro ako ganun ka-masokista para lokohin ko sarili ko kung alam kong sa huli, ako rin naman ang talo. ganun lang dapat ang buhay... simple. hindi dapat ginagawang kumplikado.

nagiging kumplikado lang naman ang buhay ko kapag nahahaluan na ng emosyon. eh aminado naman ako, emosyonal akong tao. hindi mo man makita, pero sa totoo lang, 100% ang emosyon na nararamdaman ko. ganun lang talaga siguro ako, kung ang iba hobby ang pagsasayaw at pagkanta, ako yata kasama na sa hobby ko ang pagiging emosyonal. parang full time career na nga ata.

kaya rin naman gusto ko sa tao ang marunong magpakita ng emosyon. kapag natatawa sila, kailangan, halakhak kung halakhak. bawal ang demure na nagtatakip pa ng bibig pag tumatawa. kelangan, dedicated ka sa nararamdaman mo. pag naiiyak ka, i-iyak mo lang -- wag kang magpapacute at dahan dahan lang pupunasan ang mga luha sa mata mo. at wag ka na ring mag share ng mga ganung bagay sakin, kung wala kang balak idedicate ang sarili mo sa nararamdaman mo. kasi ako, mas gusto kong nakikipag kwentuhan at nakikipag usap o kaya nagfi-feeling um-advice sa mga taong nakikita ko ang emosyon. yung tipong pag galit, pucha! 100% galit dapat! hindi pwede yung 50% o 70% o 99% lang, dapat 100%! kung makakabuti ang mambato ng mga gamit, pucha, gawin mo! (sabihin mo nga lang ng maaga para hindi tayo sa bahay ko magkwentuhan) ang dapat lang, hindi ka dapat nakaksakit ng kapwa lalo na ang taong kinukwentuhan mo. aba naman, siya na nga tong nagmagandang loob na pakinggan ang mga kadramahan mo tapos sasaktan mo lang?! wag kang unfair.

pero alam mo sa totoo lang, nasa topic na rin naman tayo ng galit, ang wag na wag mong gagawin eh yung gaganti ka.

walang kwenta yun.

sayang ang panahon mo. sayang ang effort. magmumukha ka pang desperado. sabi nga ng kaibigan ko sakin (si rr), at nagulat talaga ako nung sinabi niya sakin na ang tanging naalala niyang sinabi ko sa kanya nung grade school kami is that "revenge is not the answer."

naman! mature na pala ako nung elementary ako! meehhh gannnoon!

pero seryoso lang, wala pa naman akong taong nagagantihan ko. siguro minsan, pag galit ako, pucha lahat na ng paraan ng pagiisip kung pano ko pahihirapan ang taong kinagagalitan ko, gagawin ko. pero hanggang dun lang yun. wag mong gagawin. alam ko kasalanan na rin yung magisip ka ng masama sa kapwa, pero at ang maganda naman dun, nakikita mo kung gano kababaw ang mga iniisip mo. sa huli iisipin mo lang na "shiyet! buti nalang hindi ko ginawa yun!! nakakababa lang pala ng level!"

ayun ganun ganun lang.

ayun lang naman. kung may pintunguhan man ang sinulat ko dito, eh di very good. kung wala, well, sharing lang. magdasal nalang tayo at magpakabait dahil malapit na ang mahal na araw.

ciao!

inxs: the good thing about hitting rock bottom is that there's no other way to go but up. just a thought.