...

I don't feel good. It's not exactly helpful to say it out loud, but I just don't feel good.

Floating

That's exactly how I feel right now. It's just not happening. I want to walk again. Or maybe run. I feel like I'm in suspended animation.

scars

When they said that "scars are beautiful," I think they meant it figuratively. 'Cuz how can scars from a major surgery because you ate too much fat be beautiful? =)

Wow, 2011. What a year. And you're only halfway done! First time to get hospitalized and operated on -- a major surgery at that. I don't even know if I can type it correctly: laparascopic cholecystectomy. Yeah, that one where they had to remove the gall bladder.

Hey, I've got the video, you wanna watch?

Doc says I've to come back to him in a week to remove the dressing. He also said that I can do anything with the bandages on, anyway. I can even take a bath. Meh. I dunno. I hope my clean freak doesn't hit me in the coming days.

Well, that's all for now. I'm quite buzzed by the meds and this bloated (more like distended) tummy I have. It's kinda hard to move. Though the doctor said it's best for me to move to remove the unwanted air. Oh well, I'm babbling again.

Ciao.

GLOBE

No doubt you offer one of the best products in the market. I also appreciate your efforts to reach out to your customers as demonstrated in social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter.

However, it is in the service process and the delivery of it that you fall way below benchmark, at least in my experience.

I've been a loyal customer for almost a decade -- prepaid, postpaid, broadband, and landline services. For years, too, I'm encountering the same problem with my broadband. But what appalls me more is that you insist on solving this problem with THE SAME remedy for years. It has become so bad (and recurrent) that I've already memorized the script and the process by which your technical support representatives offer a solution.

This is probably shooting to the stars, but your claim at being the best in the industry and for the clients you serve will only be a reality IF and WHEN you do TOTAL PRODUCT SERVICE DELIVERY and deliver TOTAL CUSTOMER SATISFACTION, which obviously, I am not experiencing with you.

the ghost

I glanced over my shoulder for no more than a solitary heartbeat when I saw your ghost. A deluge of emotions ran through every vein in my body -- neither sadness nor happiness, neither regret nor yearning. The emotions were just emotions -- crude, overt, raw.

I felt naked.

I stood frozen, rooted to the ground with only my eyes following the vestiges of your soul. It was after that same solitary heartbeat that I gained freedom from my emotions' solid embrace.

My eyes followed you.

Until you were lost amongst the crowd.

It was then that I knew that the ghost exists and the past is not dead.

Updates for no one

Went to Cagayan de Oro and Davao for work.

CDO - Hyperacidity attack at 3 in the morning, really bad hotel, construction outside my room, ac is hella noisy, really old bed and pillows, no hot water, got flu in the middle of training: worst training experience ever because of those things.

MNL - Rushed myself to the ER again a day before I depart for Davao.

DVO - Spent the first night in the hospital, they wanted to admit me for 48 hours, had to say no naturally, trained the morning after, good hotel, good food, good weather. It was smooth sailing after the first night.

Makati Med - Filed a leave last Friday, to finally have myself checked. Initial finding of the Gastroentorologist was Acid Peptic Disease. Ulcer. Advised to have endoscopy but paperworks got in the way. Specialist will only be available until Wednesday. I couldn't take a leave next week. Will settle for Saturday for the procedure. Hoping it doesn't hurt. Nurse assured me I was gonna be put to sleep.

Mom is coming back home. Not sure exactly when. Lots of bilin. I'm sure 1/4 lang maalala niya.

It's Saturday today. Raining. Hard. Will sleep in this afternoon. That's after a good night's rest last night.

By the way, the evaluations for my CDO and DVO training are overwhelming. I guess this is really my passion. I'm happy.

trolling

Well, not really. Just browsing some friends over at Facebook and found this from one of my former classmates in DLSU, Nestle.

Love is that quiet certainty, that final decision, that we will spend our lives together, whether we get married or not, whether we become great or not. It’s not I-need-to-be-with-you, but simply, I am with you, not right now, not even right here in this world, but forever, in that soul place beyond the reach of the world’s problems and questions and influences.

I always have admired her writing skills. These are just perfect lines.

And no. It has nothing to do with me.

questions and nostalgia

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

I remember posting this on my fridge back in college and having memorized it, too, by heart. It's a great quote.

tonight i'm giving in

Fine. Papatulan ko ang gabi at ang mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

I remember you telling me that I no longer smile as much as I did the first few times we've been together. You said that I worry too much. That I think too much. Maybe I did that time.

I know I still want to be with you that time. But the not knowing part of you not telling me the entire truth bothered me. Even with the little things kasi, you lie about it. When you told me that, I was already at a point where I feel as if I no longer know you. As if I was unsure about the things you say about yourself, about how your day went, about how you spent your week. Yes, the time you told me that, it was true -- I was no longer smiling the way I usually did.

It wasn't always like that.

I gave you my complete, unabashed, untainted trust when we first met. Yeah, maybe I found you a little arrogant at times, but I completely believed in you. Even when I was fighting the feeling of not giving in to your promises of forever and not ever being apart starting then, you know, I know and I can't deny that I actually did. Too much in fact that I gave in completely. I pushed away all the thoughts of "what if's" that was gnawing through my head every time I find myself in solitude and think about those promises.

I was smiling then. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have found something that's real and that makes me happy. Maybe I was love struck. But who cares? I didn't then. All I knew then was that we loved each other so much we can't do anything to change that. Not even if we tried. I love you and you love me and that's all that matters. Mattered.

Strong is the rock that stands steadfastly amidst the lashing waves of the ocean. But strong and magnificent and beautiful as it is, it erodes.

So did my trust.

I wish I could have smiled then. I wish I could've just maybe faked one. And then maybe you wouldn't have asked. You wouldn't have told me I wasn't smiling anymore.

Maybe I wouldn't remember it tonight, humid and hot as it is. But you're no longer here. I'm not sure if I still know you. Like how I felt I didn't know you then.

Ciao.

okay.

... so my fuse has gotten shorter lately.

so what? fuck off and leave me alone.