5, 4, 3, 2...

That moment when you start running fast while making up, rather, convincing your mind that you are actually about to jump off a cliff - never mind the tall grass that pierces your legs, or the once-in-a-lifetime blooming of an unusual flower, or the pebbles that punctures the soles of your feet; the only thing you hear is the beating of your own heart like the heavy footsteps of a running giant and the wind ringing inside your ears, like cymbals that have just been beaten -- that's when you've decided, in between the buzz of a fly and the falling of the autumn leaf that you are, in fact, as the fog gives way and the rays of the sun beaming on the edge, ready to jump - about to jump - in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Baaaah.

That moment when the phone beeps and you want it to be from the person you want it to be and you brush off the thought to spare yourself a moment of both excitement and anxiety and you see the phone and it really is from the person you wanted to hear from the most.

nighttime

what has become of me? in the light of recent events, what has it (not knowing exactly what "it" is) molded me into?

it's like the silent and careful fluttering of a small butterfly hovering on a lonely flower in the middle of green fields on a hot midday sun. the early morning dew has evaporated from the earth and gives off a solid, pungent smell. quietly, a mirage is forming in the distance as the soil dries up fast. what is the vision? is it a sea? a pond? a lagoon?

yet, the small butterfly, not knowing where else to go, gently settles on the flower and dutifully sucks up its sweet nectar.

Seed

So begins the sprouting of a seed that was lain, watered, nurtured, and let out in the sun. Not hopefully one day its vines slowly and surely creep up the very same spade that was used to dig its soil. Not hopefully one day it constricts its own roots and kills the very source of its own life.

nip/tuck

Imperfect.

Eyes too high. Nose misaligned. Lips are thick. Chin too small.

Emotional instability, insecurities, fears, self doubt not included.

How's your imperfection?

undone

I'm totally clueless as to what I'm doing. Work bores me. The idea of training does not bring that much excitement as before. I do, however, enjoy it while I'm in it.

I'm uninspired. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to take pictures. I'd like to immerse myself in art, in literature, in music, in movies but there's nothing inside me that pushes me the same way as before.

Maraming araw at gabi na rin ang lumipas na gusto kong gumawa ng bagay na ikagugulat kahit ng sarili ko. Pero parati ko na lang piniling magbasa na lang sa kama at itulog ang panandaliang pagpukaw ng loob.

Kailangan ko yata ng bagong mga kaibigan na mapagshe-share-an ko ng mga bagong gawain.

O baka kailangan ko lang ng love life.

Baka.

Pero, sabi ko nga, di ko alam ang ginagawa ko.

In other news...

... you're exclusively dating someone na pala. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear you

You know, I've been really out there. I mean REALLY out there. Sometimes going out of my way to just be out there.

There are good ones. There are so-so-there's a possibility ones. There were surprises, too.

But still I come home with nothing. I'm still hoping, though, life. Be kind please. Be generous. I know I deserve it.

Love,

Bryan

Jason Mraz

I finally saw him perform live (and intimately, albeit in front of a very huge crowd).

Awesome. Just awesome.

He sang his new song, I Won't Give Up, and everyone just kept quiet and took it all in. Perfect.

What if...

... I needed to do what I did because want to. Does that make me a bad person? =P

... A random person you knew is somehow connected to you. Is it still random?

... A good time suddenly hit you back?

... The Jason Mraz concert is just so freaking AMAZEBALLS? LIKE ZOMG! =P

Meanwhile in Boracay

Veintiocho

of old town glories

I was watching a movie when a familiar sound, no lyrics, suddenly played as background. As the movie plays, I keep a mental note and the lyrics, unknowingly memorized by heart, kept playing on my head. Suddenly, it dawns on me. I'm in this old town. For an hour (or more, perhaps) I was back again in that old town. The movie title couldn't have been more perfect: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. As with the song.

Hometown Glory

Adele

I’ve been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
“Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?”
“No and thank you, please Madam. I ain’t lost, just wandering”

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain’t gonna take it
Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met

Ciao!

Are the wonders of my world

fx chronicles

It's funny how those five notes from a text message alert from an old phone I had bring forth a sudden gush of memories.

What's happening, life?

dusk

It is of longing and wanton remembrance that I am lost in this wonderfully hellish memory of you tonight.

To my lover

You, whose face I haven’t set my eyes on

Whose eyes bear the strength of the tiger’s

And the seeming innocence of a child's,

Look upon the lines of my face

The crow’s feet that

Stretches into my temples –

Eyes that were once

In hopeful anticipation

Of you.

And the old laugh lines beside

My mouth that has grown

Weary, and tired, and wasted.

You, whose gentle slope of the shoulders

Ironically, radiates permanence,

For a minute, feel my arms

Down to my fingertips

Its strength now uncertain

Now suspicious.

Of nothing

Of everything.

You, whose hair so badly I want to get a whiff of

Even just for a moment –

Just a fraction of eternity

To run my fingers down to your neck

And pull you in

For just a fleeting, maybe

Stolen

Kiss.

Wrap me, too, in your embrace

Until I memorize the feeling of

Your mysterious hand through my knowing hand.

I shall become you

And you shall become me,

And us, one.

You, whom I have not seen,

Whose hands I have memorized,

Whose kiss I have tasted,

Whose eyes, I have only imagined,

Find me.

.

"The water in my stream may have changed many times, but the reflection of the moon and the stars remains the same."

- Rumi

sad sunday

So I just found out that my friend Patty's two-month old daughter died last Thursday. I still don't know what the cause is. It's just sad, we were talking about her daughter a few weeks ago.

I can't even begin to imagine how that is for Patty - for her family. I just pray that they be strong in this very sad time.

Sigh.

We're going there later. What's happening? In a month I've been to two wakes. Both are too young to die. Then again, we absolutely have no idea when our time is. So, before I pass on to the other life, let me tell you how much I love you!

And to my special someone, I know you're out there, I hope we meet before that day comes. o__0

Life on the road

Nice to be back home after almost a month of traveling for work. I love that I get to places I've never been to. It just took its toll on me after a month of doing it -- laundry, time, social life, lovelife, not to mention the sheer exhaustion.

I tried scoring myself on how much of the Philippines I've been to again and I got a C+. Mababa pa rin pala teehee! =D

http://forge.codedgraphic.com/lakbayan/

In other news, I'm so glad to be alive after that fastcraft trip from Sorsogon to Masbate. Ayayay! The sea was so rough that a lot of the luggage and even the TV inside the seacraft fell from its place. I was literally yanked off my seat quite a number of times, too.

I shall never go to Masbate again during the rainy season. And if I really need to, there's always the plane.

In hindsight, the trip was good. I was able to book a case, at the very least. =)

Ciao!

Bicolandia and everything in between

So I'm here in Naga waiting for Chris to come back from the airport. In a few hours I'll be in Legaspi City. Then Sorsogon then Masbate.

I just came from Zamboanga City and Clark last week.

I wonder where life takes me next.

It's tiring but I'm just trying to take it all in and enjoying it altogether. I almost forgot to mention that I was in CWC yesterday. I wasn't able to wakeboard but at least I've seen the place.

So this is me making lemonades after life throws me lemons. Besides, I know I'll miss doing this eventually and wish I'll be as busy when the humdrum of office work takes over.

Until then, ciao!

This is why I work

I've been stressed and exhausted before. Pero parang ngayon lang ako nalunod ulit sa work. Stress to the maximum. And just when I thought I wasn't doing anything right, this text comes along:

"Sir Bry, this is _____ po from Batch 38... Sir thank you nga po pala kanina. Natouch po ako. Sir kinakabahan po ak osa revalida hay. Sa inyo ko lang po sinabi sir. Sana makapasa at makaya po. Good night Sir Bry. Mamimiss namin yung 3 weeks na nakasama namin kayo. We love you Sir Bry the best ka talaga, very approachable ;("

I know this is His way of telling me, "It's okay to be tired, son. You're doing a good job!"

Thank you, Lord. Thank you. I just always have to remind myself that I'm blessed. This is more than enough. Okay na sakin ang maka affect at maka-inspire ng one single soul.

=)

...

I don't feel good. It's not exactly helpful to say it out loud, but I just don't feel good.

Floating

That's exactly how I feel right now. It's just not happening. I want to walk again. Or maybe run. I feel like I'm in suspended animation.

scars

When they said that "scars are beautiful," I think they meant it figuratively. 'Cuz how can scars from a major surgery because you ate too much fat be beautiful? =)

Wow, 2011. What a year. And you're only halfway done! First time to get hospitalized and operated on -- a major surgery at that. I don't even know if I can type it correctly: laparascopic cholecystectomy. Yeah, that one where they had to remove the gall bladder.

Hey, I've got the video, you wanna watch?

Doc says I've to come back to him in a week to remove the dressing. He also said that I can do anything with the bandages on, anyway. I can even take a bath. Meh. I dunno. I hope my clean freak doesn't hit me in the coming days.

Well, that's all for now. I'm quite buzzed by the meds and this bloated (more like distended) tummy I have. It's kinda hard to move. Though the doctor said it's best for me to move to remove the unwanted air. Oh well, I'm babbling again.

Ciao.

GLOBE

No doubt you offer one of the best products in the market. I also appreciate your efforts to reach out to your customers as demonstrated in social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter.

However, it is in the service process and the delivery of it that you fall way below benchmark, at least in my experience.

I've been a loyal customer for almost a decade -- prepaid, postpaid, broadband, and landline services. For years, too, I'm encountering the same problem with my broadband. But what appalls me more is that you insist on solving this problem with THE SAME remedy for years. It has become so bad (and recurrent) that I've already memorized the script and the process by which your technical support representatives offer a solution.

This is probably shooting to the stars, but your claim at being the best in the industry and for the clients you serve will only be a reality IF and WHEN you do TOTAL PRODUCT SERVICE DELIVERY and deliver TOTAL CUSTOMER SATISFACTION, which obviously, I am not experiencing with you.

the ghost

I glanced over my shoulder for no more than a solitary heartbeat when I saw your ghost. A deluge of emotions ran through every vein in my body -- neither sadness nor happiness, neither regret nor yearning. The emotions were just emotions -- crude, overt, raw.

I felt naked.

I stood frozen, rooted to the ground with only my eyes following the vestiges of your soul. It was after that same solitary heartbeat that I gained freedom from my emotions' solid embrace.

My eyes followed you.

Until you were lost amongst the crowd.

It was then that I knew that the ghost exists and the past is not dead.

Updates for no one

Went to Cagayan de Oro and Davao for work.

CDO - Hyperacidity attack at 3 in the morning, really bad hotel, construction outside my room, ac is hella noisy, really old bed and pillows, no hot water, got flu in the middle of training: worst training experience ever because of those things.

MNL - Rushed myself to the ER again a day before I depart for Davao.

DVO - Spent the first night in the hospital, they wanted to admit me for 48 hours, had to say no naturally, trained the morning after, good hotel, good food, good weather. It was smooth sailing after the first night.

Makati Med - Filed a leave last Friday, to finally have myself checked. Initial finding of the Gastroentorologist was Acid Peptic Disease. Ulcer. Advised to have endoscopy but paperworks got in the way. Specialist will only be available until Wednesday. I couldn't take a leave next week. Will settle for Saturday for the procedure. Hoping it doesn't hurt. Nurse assured me I was gonna be put to sleep.

Mom is coming back home. Not sure exactly when. Lots of bilin. I'm sure 1/4 lang maalala niya.

It's Saturday today. Raining. Hard. Will sleep in this afternoon. That's after a good night's rest last night.

By the way, the evaluations for my CDO and DVO training are overwhelming. I guess this is really my passion. I'm happy.

trolling

Well, not really. Just browsing some friends over at Facebook and found this from one of my former classmates in DLSU, Nestle.

Love is that quiet certainty, that final decision, that we will spend our lives together, whether we get married or not, whether we become great or not. It’s not I-need-to-be-with-you, but simply, I am with you, not right now, not even right here in this world, but forever, in that soul place beyond the reach of the world’s problems and questions and influences.

I always have admired her writing skills. These are just perfect lines.

And no. It has nothing to do with me.

questions and nostalgia

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

I remember posting this on my fridge back in college and having memorized it, too, by heart. It's a great quote.

tonight i'm giving in

Fine. Papatulan ko ang gabi at ang mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

I remember you telling me that I no longer smile as much as I did the first few times we've been together. You said that I worry too much. That I think too much. Maybe I did that time.

I know I still want to be with you that time. But the not knowing part of you not telling me the entire truth bothered me. Even with the little things kasi, you lie about it. When you told me that, I was already at a point where I feel as if I no longer know you. As if I was unsure about the things you say about yourself, about how your day went, about how you spent your week. Yes, the time you told me that, it was true -- I was no longer smiling the way I usually did.

It wasn't always like that.

I gave you my complete, unabashed, untainted trust when we first met. Yeah, maybe I found you a little arrogant at times, but I completely believed in you. Even when I was fighting the feeling of not giving in to your promises of forever and not ever being apart starting then, you know, I know and I can't deny that I actually did. Too much in fact that I gave in completely. I pushed away all the thoughts of "what if's" that was gnawing through my head every time I find myself in solitude and think about those promises.

I was smiling then. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have found something that's real and that makes me happy. Maybe I was love struck. But who cares? I didn't then. All I knew then was that we loved each other so much we can't do anything to change that. Not even if we tried. I love you and you love me and that's all that matters. Mattered.

Strong is the rock that stands steadfastly amidst the lashing waves of the ocean. But strong and magnificent and beautiful as it is, it erodes.

So did my trust.

I wish I could have smiled then. I wish I could've just maybe faked one. And then maybe you wouldn't have asked. You wouldn't have told me I wasn't smiling anymore.

Maybe I wouldn't remember it tonight, humid and hot as it is. But you're no longer here. I'm not sure if I still know you. Like how I felt I didn't know you then.

Ciao.

okay.

... so my fuse has gotten shorter lately.

so what? fuck off and leave me alone.

my heart

is heavy. =[

.

Late Monday jeezy

... uhh, yeah. Whatever that means.

Anyhoo, just saw this tonight. It's flooded my Facebook wall. My love affair with Bruno Mars' music started last year when I heard Marry You.

This, The Lazy Song, is my second most favorite track. I was bumming at my mom's room in Dumaguete doing absolutely nothing and just listening to this when I fell in love with the track. So first this song. Then this video. Purrfect!

just a feel good song!

ciao!

Monday randomness

Dear lady who sat beside me today,

It is not my obligation to give your payment to the driver, no. The act of passing the payment in the jeepney is never an obligation. Rather, a matter of "pagmamagandang loob."

So aside from not saying "paki" or please, not saying thank you makes you audacious and assuming and downright rude. Not to mention the manner in which you literally dropped your coins on my hand (which by that time was already overflowing with other gracious passengers' coins) causing all the coins in it to almost scatter on the floor.

OK, so you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as you told the person who called you right after you did that to me. I don't fucking care. It's a fucking Monday morning that we all have to fucking go through.

Thank goodness I wasn't that rude yet to shove all your coins in your cunt.

PS. Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Bryan

-----

So I woke up early today to shut my boss up. Got in the training room at exactly 8 in the morning. Woopee. Yay. FML.

BUT, weirdly enough, I have lots of energy today. Morning training went really well. =)

Looking forward to the coming Holy Week weekend. =)

ciao!

Today

Today is a well of all things viral, virtual, and videos.

Yeah, I know. From THAT annoyinglyhorrible music video I'm not even gonna mention.

This sorta looks like my ideal food pyramid.

Now, here's a set of FREAKISHLY AMAZING AND ENTERTAINING cheering videos from Japan. God I love them, I swear.

THEY'RE ALL GIRLS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS JUST HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE.

OH. MY. GOD.

------------

On a more serious note, I just did something new yesterday. Check this out. Can you guess?

So refreshing!

randomness

Found this on the beach.

Funny conversation:

Me: “Miss, where can I buy bottled water?”

Staff: “ Sir you can buy it in Meaty Mart.”

Me: “Is it far?”

Staff: “No sir, just a few meters away from the hotel. You can also try Sweet and Sassy.”

Me: “Okay, thank you!”

Ten minutes and a tricycle ride after, a sign greeted me: Mighty Mart Grocery

Overheard in the gym:

Guy 1: “Pare kanina ka pa text ng text dyan eh, buhat na!”

Guy 2: (Walks toward the equipment, still texting) “Teka pare, pera ‘to eh… Aanhin ko ang magandang katawan kung wala naman akong pamasahe bukas.”

Hahaha, nahulog ko tuloy yung buhat ko.

_____

The God of Small Things... like reading

I can't finish my book. Ugh. It's a bit harder than I thought. And I thought it's gonna be another fast read. Wrong. There are some parts of the book that read like a normal narrative. Then suddenly, without warning, it changes, as to how to call it, I don't know. The only thing I know is that it changes. Quite frequently. And that's where I become blank. It's just after reading two pages more that I'll notice that it just doesn't make sense to me. So I go back all over again. I can just put it down and read another book, but I don't want to lose whatever patience momentum patience I still have left. The last time I did that, I never went back to read the book again.

So there. I hope I finally finish this na. It's been a month already for a book that's not that thick.

ciao!

it's all i do

work.

i have very little time for social life and usually i'm with my closest friends. it's not bad.

it's not good either.

for my love life lang naman.

yeah.

that.

i'm sad.

p.s. another useless post from me.

of people and infatuation and life as it is

it's strange. these people.

they like me,

i don't like them.

i like them,

they don't like me.

we both don't like each other.

we both (...)

still waiting for the last piece. why can't it just be easier?

fine. i want a love life na. weirdly enough, i had that realization in the middle of my busiest work schedule. nice, bryan.

i'm moody. i can be an ass. i sometimes play mr. know-it-all. i'm sometimes perverted. and gross. i fend for myself. yes, i'm independent. i need no strings. i have no need to prove myself. for now. i'm eclectic. i abhor labels. i enjoy labels. i'm ironic. i'm sometimes a masochist. and also a sadist. i can be with myself without feeling by myself. i'm a loner like that. i'm thoughtful. i can be sweet. i want to hold hands. maybe show some public display of affection. i like pet names. i think i'm attentive. i'm keen. sometimes emotional. and sensitive. i'm loving. i love deeply. i'm a bit naive. sometimes love blinds me. i wear my heart on my sleeve. i love without reservations. like neruda, i love without knowing how, or when, or why. i love unconditionally.

knock and the door shall be opened.

so.

are you there yet?

LE SIGH.

Hello from the Netherworld!

I don’t exactly remember when I started reading again. So far and unexpectedly this year, I have this somewhat insatiable need to read. I’ve read The Rule of Four, A Thousand Splendid Suns, a host of Dan Brown fast reads such as The Lost Symbol, Deception Point, and currently, Digital Fortress, in a matter of two months. Just this week, I satisfied the urge to buy new books (Angelology, The God of Small Things) because I’m almost done with the last of my Dan Brown. Surprisingly, I haven’t touched any John Grisham, yet.

This, however, isn’t about my reading list. I just remembered to visit this old and dusty blog and realized that I haven’t been blogging, well, for the longest time. I’m still blaming twitter for it when I’m almost used to making do with the 140 character limit on my thoughts. Aside from the fact that I can flood the web with my unsolicited updates anytime with my phone, I haven’t seen the need for me to vent out anything that requires more than the 140 character limit.

Obviously, this is merely a repository of all my ramblings and thoughts about whatever that comes to mind and my so-called universe – which I think is quite unfortunate. This means that I haven’t been in touch with myself for the longest time.

In any case, I’ve just seen a movie and there was a line uttered by one of the characters there that told me to “just surrender in the moment.” I shall try that very soon. I must write everything I see now. Maybe bringing a notebook and a pen should also help.

Hello blog! I shall see more of you! I’m going back to Cebu in two weeks and you shall hear from me then, too.

Ciao!

fanboying

Dear Adele,

I love you.

XOXO

Bryan

The Riddle of the Castle on a Cloud

Maybe this is the sort of moment when riddles have an afterglow of their own, a wisdom that illuminates the edges of experience when nothing else can. In a world where half of the villagers always lie and half of them always tell the truth; where the hare never catches the tortoise because the distance between them shrinks be a never collapsing infinity of halves; where the fox can never be left of the same bank of the river as the hen, or the hen on the same bank as the grain, because with perfect regularity the one will consume the other, and nothing you can do will prevent it; in that world, everything is sensible but the premise.

A riddle is a castle built on air, perfectly habitable if you don't look down... And if I accept its existence, then the foundation is set and the impossible castle can be built. The rest is just mortar and stones.

-- p.364, The Rule of Four

i once believed

i was thinking just now about how i believed everything you said to me two years ago. at first i was hesitant to see what you have for both of us because it was all too big and i, being the cynical and practical one, couldn't -- wouldn't want to look at the picture you were trying to paint.

eventually, however, i started to see the little images of us in the future. slowly, yet surely, i was able to appreciate the colors you were trying to paint, the yet abstract picture you were trying to show. and i was there, slowly walking towards your proud painting... standing, gazing at its vivid hues, its tiny complexities, its profundities.

as time progressed and as i began to focus my sight on other things, i have unwittingly seen the wholeness of it in my peripheral vision. there it was in its marvelous glory -- still all colorful, complex, profound... abstract.

there never was that painting. it was crumbling when i saw it. it was a mess -- a huge, ugly, crumbling mess that i once believed to be a beautiful work of art.

the thing is, in my quiet time, i still think of that beautiful mess. thinking that maybe, if only that could have been true, how wonderful it is be looking at it everyday. to have always stood in awe in front of it. to have been experiencing the wholeness of it and appreciating it every single day.

that's all i have now. a thought, a figment of a memory that once was that i once believed.