the dissection

and in that one moment --
in that smallest fraction
of time,
all that is permanent,
all that is true
and that i hold dear,
become ambiguous
and ephemeral
and insubstantial.

it is, then,
in those fleeting seconds,
i
celebrate.

two weeks' notice

i'll see you guys in two weeks!

i'm praying the outcome is great.

i'm excited!

brrrr

... and it's getting colder

lord, konting lambing lang po. konting gising at konting tulak lang po.

thankful po ako sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon, alam niyo po yun. buhayin niyo lang po yung drive ko. madalas po kasi akong nawawalan ng lakas.

ayoko na po kasing mag-isip, nakakapagod po.

UPDATE: haha!! thank you lord!!!!!!!!!! ambilis po!

hindi na lang

hindi na lang ako mag-iisip.

fort ilocandia

the third installment of my ilocos ocular.

click pic to direct you to my multiply page

mystery caller

SHIYEEET NA MALAGKET!! kailangan ko lang talaga i-post to.
kakababa ko lang ng cellphone ko dahil may tumawag. ewan ko ba, pero hindi ko naman ugali ang sumagot ng telepono kapag hindi ko kilala ang number. pero kanina, sinagot ko siya.

manok: "hello"

*static*

manok: "hello-o?"

*breathing*

manok: "hello?!"

mystery caller: "tangina mo, inagaw mo siyota ko!"

*click*

ako ang nagbaba. natawa lang ako sandali tapos bumalik na ko ulit sa ginagawa ko.
pero hindi ako makapag-focus. tsaka lang nag sink-in sakin yung sinabi niya.

"tangina mo, inagaw mo siyota ko!"

shiiyyyyeeet! sana hindi ko muna binaba. sana pinatulan ko muna (kahit na alam kong walang patutunguhan yun). baka siguro, maging catharsis ko pa ang mga sasabihin ko sa mystery caller na yun. shit shit shit. sayang lang talaga. hindi ko nasabi sa kanya na:

"sigurado ka?!" tapos hahalakhak talaga ako ng sobrang lakas, dahil sobra siyang nagpapatawa.

o kaya:

"oo nga eh, sorry ha."

o kaya:

"wag ka nga! kasalanan ko bang may taste pala ang "syota" mo?!"

LOL to the 9th level lang.

sana rin natanong ko rin siya, "teka sigurado ka bang may love life ako?" sana nasabi ko lahat yun. sana nakapang asar ako ng tao na hindi ko kilala. o kaya, sana nadramahan ko siya sa love life ko. naman kasi, of all the times na manggaganun si mystery caller, ngayon pa! ngayon pa na nagiisa lang ako sa bahay. although in fairness to mystery caller naman, if ever tumawag siya sakin three years ago, ganun pa rin naman ako. hahahahahahahahahaaaayyyyyyy......

** note to self: ampanget ng salitang syota. yak.

yun lang. sharing lang.

naiinis pa rin ako. bow.

kasi naman...

naiinis lang talaga ako.

que frustrating lang.

si mommy talaga

mom just called. i was actually surprised to receive a call from her at this time. her voice was not that nice either and it got me worried.
but apparently, she was worried about me. ang sama daw ng panaginip niya sakin.

haay mommy, don't worry po i'm perfectly ok. :)
i'm actually happy. though there are a lot of things that still need to be worked on, i chose to be happy -- and i am.
you don't have to worry about anything, ma.


it's just heartwarming to know that people still care. don't you just love moms??

i love you mommy!

flying

... these hatchlings will spend days and weeks in the nest being fed by the mother bird. they take in as much nutrition as they can to make their bodies stronger, grow feathers, watch and learn things from their parents, and to learn how to fly. perhaps they will stumble and fall on the first few tries. perhaps, too, they will fly a few moments then fall again. but definitely, they are birds and eventually, they will fly.

i think the bird is ready to fly.

I KNOW NOW

IT'S WANDERLUST I NEED.


BADLY.

bleep

this and this... and this seems to be out of sync.

i am out of sync.

i need to do something and i don't know what. everything's a drag, a bore, and flat. ugh. work seems to be getting on my nerves. i see people around me as just mechanical beings -- i act, they react; they act, i react. and they piss the hell off of me. my social life is not something to be proud of either. i even have to beg people to go out and take a breather. but somehow, i'm good with that because my finances are terrible. i'm even in credit card debt. i only have one thing to hold on to and thank you for that.

i really need to be revived, restarted, reprogrammed, rebooted.

=(

Ilocos

TIRING. two days of travel time. more than 500 kms from manila. this is what i saw. was it worth more than the total of 25 hours back-busting, leg-aching, neck-breaking travel time? i don't know. you tell me.

i strongly suggest you click the pics to enlarge

the view from the lighthouse

the windmills in bangui

saud beach in pagudpud

if there's one thing i regret not doing -- swimming in pagudpud.

you make it real for me

There's so much craziness surrounding me
There's so much going on it gets hard to breathe
When all my faith has gone you bring it back to me
You make it real for me
Well I'm not sure of my priorities
I've lost sight of where I'm meant to be
Like holy water washing over me
You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby
You are the only one who save me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me

When my head is strong but my heart is weak
I'm full of arrogance and uncertainty
When I can't find the words you teach my heart to speak
You make it real for me

Everybody's talking in words I don't understand
You got to be the only one who knows just who I am
And you shine in the distance I hope I can make it through
'Cause the only place that I want to be is right back home with you

I guess there's so much more I have to learn
But if you're here with me I know which way to turn
You always give me somewhere, somewhere I can learn
You make it real for me

And I'm running to you baby
'Cause you are the only one who'll save me
That's why I've been missing you lately
Cause you make it real for me
You make it real for me

ciao

with strings attached

dear you,

i am here in the confines of my apartment, staring blankly at the walls that bear witness to the lull this night brings. i am here because i am waiting for you. in the background, the news of someone passing is murmuring on the television. hopefully, this is not a foreboding of what will come of you. i know we shall all be there at one point or another. but i am selfish. i want to be there first.
i wait until i feel the fear of losing you creeps through my back. i wait until i argue with myself to believe what you said: that the present is a gift.
but i smell fear. i taste fear. i feel fear. and it derails my focus. not having you for the longest is what bothers me so much.

this time i am praying that what you said were just lies.
lies to make me believe myself enough to jump from the precipice.
lies to make me believe myself enough to slip a little bit and enjoy the fall.

yes, dear, those are just lies. and i believe.

i need a drink.

are you there, yet?

in one sentence

deeper and deeper i shall go inside my self that is in perennial longing and unrestrained remembrance of those playful trickles of memories of your eyes, your lips, your nose, and your smile whilst finding my whole in lust and passion of that look, of that touch, of that kiss, and of that warm embrace -- snapshots that playfully grind my heart into a thousand throbbing pieces that moan and cry and whisper only for your name and still, i breathe and i live and i wait for yet another moment of that same madness that murders me to the core of my being.

unboxing/unloading

i'll be thoughtlessly frank and say...

... that i am losing steam. what should have been as an energizer vacation, turned out to be something detrimental to me. there are days when i seem to be lethargic and unresponsive. at the same time, there are days, too, that i seem to be hyperactive and very reactive (i even had the guts to walk out on some of my officemates). maybe because all i really want is to just go motorcycling around dumaguete.

... that i sorely miss the dumaguete i knew on my own. i've always associated dumaguete with family. being there -- walking around and seeing things by myself -- is quite a wonderful experience. and i miss that. for the first time (and this is something very new to me) i think i'm considering living there in the future.

... that i am quite sensitive the past few days. there's this deep emotional and physical longing for something that i can't have for myself when and where i want it (which i always think should be the case). sometimes, in my solitude, i let these emotions take the lead and the feeling is something that of losing something.

... that i am quite tired of waiting and having never been patient a fan of waiting, the days are dreadfully dragging. it's like the routine that i'm used to is getting old and i'm getting old. everything just becomes so familiar and so normal. i'm aware that i've been really attempting to bring back some normalcy in my life but this... oh this!

... that i am looking forward to an occassion where i can really get drunk without having the attitude of someone drunk. i just want to remember being bold, brazen, unabashed, and undaunted. something spontaneous and something unexpected.

... that i am still thankful for all these. these keep me grounded. these keep me on my feet. these keep me busy. these validate my existence.

... that the chicken has crossed the road and is happy to have found something beautiful.

... that i have finally started to take notice of my physical self. i started yoga and do some fifty push-ups everyday. i also started jogging around the park after office (i just hope i can keep this up). seeing ungodly pictures of myself without a shirt on finally pushed me to be serious is being healthy and fit. i am cutting down on my cigarettes (woopee!) but i am still eating whatever i like. i guess, no one can ever deny me of food.

... i am done.

ciao

what is cheesy?

this conversation.

" babe, how much do you love me?"

stretching out your arms you said, " i love you this much, babe!"

" but my arms can reach longer than yours..."

" babe, this is the farthest i can stretch it"

with a hint of a smile, i said, " i love you, babe!"

ayan. matunaw ka sa kilig hahahaha!