because i am afraid - vid. ed.

i was kinda inspired to do this today. this is a 'concept film' whatever that means. open for discussion, critique, and whatever.

hope you appreciate it.

ciao!

random

ang sabi ni imogen heap:

I join the queue on your answer phone and all I am is holding breath. Just pick up I know you're there, can't you hear? I'm not myself
Well, go ahead and lie to me - you could say anything. Small talk will be just fine. Your voice is everything. We owe it to love. And it all depends on you.

So listen up. The sun hasn't set. I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling. Just hear me out. I'm not over you yet. It’s love on the line, can you handle it?

So how do I do normal? A smile I fake; the permenant wave of cue-cards and fix-it kits. Can't you tell? I'm not myself

I'm a slow motion accident lost in coffee rings and fingerprints. I don't wanna feel anything but I do and it all comes back to you.

So listen up "this" sun hasn't set. I refuse to believe that it's only me feeling. Just hear me out, I'm not over you yet. It’s love on the line, can you handle it?

Look at me straight. Don't make me wait. I can't take this. Love's on the line.

Is that your final answer?

i agree. just hear me out daw.

ang sabi naman ni meredith:

we all think we're going to be great and we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations are not met. but sometimes, our expectations sell us short.
sometimes the expected pales in comparison to the unexpected. you gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations. because the expected is just what keeps us steady standing still. the expected's just the beginning. the unexpected is what changes our lives.

totoo nga naman.

so i'm home. in the lull between dinner and slumber, i'm left here in this room, infront of the monitor doing this. i know i was supposed to write something that i thought of earlier this morning while doing the commute but i kinda lost the idea already during the commute home.
you see, everytime i commute, what you may call ideas, thoughts, realizations come to me like rain. while i listen to songs plugged into my ear, i'd see something that would catch my attention and imagination. Ninety percent of the time, it's the what if's more than the aha's that would hit me. and then i'd play along with it, even obsess myself about it especially if the MRT is crowded or if the traffic along EDSA is heavy. but then as i slide my card into the slot to get out or as i go down the steps of the jeep, those thought that i have obsessed myself with would immediately evaporate into thin air - that is if the pollution in the metro is not as heavy as normal.

so anyway, that's my entry for today. nothing much. it's not because i feel the need to write something here or that i feel obliged. it's just that as much as i would like to write whatever it is i really really wanna write, i bet we've seen it all before.

then again, i choose this. and this is supposedly happiness.

emo mode: listen closely. can you hear it? it's the sound of my heart breaking.

and because i am afraid
you slipped away

from my loveless arms
that knows no warmth

and because i am afraid
you got lost in my darkness

that gives no repose
but endless wanderings.

what i can i make of this
whispers to the wind;

about that time i was yours
and you were mine.

and because i am afraid
you gently unfurled your sails.

sailing wordlessly
across the silent ocean;

that same deep yet unforgiving ocean
that once scalded my skin.

and because i was afraid
i know nothing now

but to love you in the distance
as the sun slowly embraces the horizon.

epilogue: i shall stand here until the sand collapse under my feet,
until i finally learn how to fly.

sunday 10 a.m.

i have a whole lot of reasons why i shouldn't be feeling great right now. i have a whole lot of ways to not feel anything other than being sad and lonely. i have a whole lot of them, believe me.

but this morning is just great. i woke up without feeling tired or sleep deprived. the sun is shining like crazy. my dog didn't pee on the floor. the weather is perfect. the house is clean. the coffee i made felt nice running through my throat - sending the electric caffeine all over the nooks and crannies of my body. and even if i used my last fag while having coffee, i felt fine.

for the first time in a few months, i felt... alive.

because this lazy sunday morning, amidst all the reasons that i have and the feelings i unintentionally cultivated for the past couple of days, even just for this day, i choose to be happy.

GOOD MORNING!

insanely sane and random

ok one more real post this year. as you all know, my new year didn't really quite start right. there are a lot of issues/things that i have to deal with these past few days, weeks. i don't really know but i guess i'm welcoming the fact that my colleague at work unveiled to us the direction and plans that our department is going to take for the next six months. it's gonna be BU-SY. imagine that, six months, i laughed in my mind.

yes, i always feel sad the minute i unlock the door of my apartment. it's this irritating thought/fact that for the next waking hours it's gonna be just me. yes, too, as i walk up the stairs, i try to kill those thoughts with every step i take. one step, i'm happy that i have work to keep me insanely busy. second step, i've got my friends behind me whom i can bide my time with. third step, i have m'bunch, who loves me to death, follows me everywhere, as in everywhere i go. i even had to shoo her away when she tried to follow me in the bathroom. fourth step... i lose my train of thought. it's either my mind would wander to a different dimension OR would almost automatically start feeling sad again. argh.

"i choose to be happy. i choose to be happy. "

lately, too, i've been really irritable. the slightest thing can annoy me. almost to the point that i want to snap. though, fortunately, i'm still conscious enough, well, sane enough, to just hold it in until it fades away.

i can feign a smile or a laughter but this is not a farce. this is the show of my life.

guess what? i don't really expect you to put up with me.

ciao.

XVII (I do not love you...)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I do not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

m'bunch in serendra, bonifacio high street and other not-so-interesting happenings

the weekend before new year, after being bored to death at home, jd, rr, gerry, and i went to serendra/bhs to have coffee. we brought along honeybunch. my first reason for bringing bunch with me was for her not-so-often walk. second was, baka may ma-cute-an sa kanya tapos ma-cute-an din sakin LOL.
when we were there, m'bunch was as good as any trained dog. the bitch didn't pee on the sidewalk. she only did when we stayed in the sand box. good doggie. no cleaning up for me.
we stayed there for about 40 minutes and went back to the car. as we were making our way to the car park, i suddenly felt something stop the leash i was holding. turns out, honeybunch was not as 'trained' as i thought. she crapped in the pathway going out to the carpark. shit. i immediately pulled her to the side and she was stopping me with her feet. poor dog. i had to drag her to the side, still. and a family was looking at poor m'bunch being dragged. hahhahaha.. it's not animal cruelty. =P
yeah i had to clean it after. it was a good thing that i brought a plastic bag and plenty of scratch papers. and there's this coffee cup, too LOL.

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i downloaded sarah brightman's album a few days ago and found it interesting. i liked the melody and her singing style in hijo de la luna. i also googled the lyrics and with very little understanding of the spanish language, i managed to get the story of the song. yun nga lang, meron pala sa wikipedia. look!

The lyrics depict a "gypsy" woman, who prays an entire night to the Moon goddess for a husband. In the end, the moon says that she shall have her man, but in return she wants her first-born child to be turned over to her.

When the child is born, it turns out that its skin color does not resemble the parent's one, but instead is white "like the back of an ermine" (the white fur of a stoat originating from Armenia[3]), and has grey eyes. The gypsy man automatically assumes that his wife committed adultery, and kills her with a knife. Afterwards, he carries the infant onto the top of a mountain, where he abandons it.

The child is taken up into the sky by the moon, and on nights when the moon is full, it is because the child is happy, and when the child cries, the moon will wane to make him a cradle.

The chorus throughout the song says that the moon wants to be a mother, yet cannot find a lover who will make her a woman (and therefore, impregnate her), and questions her as to what she would do with a child of flesh.

[Source: Wikipedia]

ang sad diba? listen to it!

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i also rediscovered this.



makes me want to cry. =,(