|| m a n o k c h i c k e n ||

palaisipan

2012-01-16T23:34:00.000+08:00

Sana hindi ako mapagod.

Just another letting off steam

2012-01-15T21:41:00.003+08:00

How can I tell you the many things I feel without scaring you away --

Like how much I wanna take care of you even if you don't say it, don't show it, or agree with it?

Like how much I just wanna hold your hand and keep it there until sweat runs through each fingers?

Like how badly I want to hug you even when it embarrasses you?

Like how I spent my waking solitary moments thinking of what to text you, just so I can talk to you even for a while longer?

Like how many times a day I try calling you and end up not doing so because I don't want you to feel as if I'm bordering obsessed?

Like how often I find myself thinking about asking you to just stay at my place so I can see you everyday but at the same time knowing that there's a possibility that like these things I mentioned, it might scare you away?

Like how confused I am lately I don't know whether to follow my own instinct of just sticking it out with and for you, or follow my friend's advice of just forgetting about it and move on to the next?

Like how writing and posting this is the only avenue for me to get this off my chest because I'm afraid that if I say these all to you, or even in small doses, you'll think I'm a freak and that I'll scare you away and that you'll run?

SIGH.

walking

2012-01-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

interestingly enough, your hand fits perfectly into mine.

5, 4, 3, 2...

2011-12-29T00:29:00.004+08:00

That moment when you start running fast while making up, rather, convincing your mind that you are actually about to jump off a cliff - never mind the tall grass that pierces your legs, or the once-in-a-lifetime blooming of an unusual flower, or the pebbles that punctures the soles of your feet; the only thing you hear is the beating of your own heart like the heavy footsteps of a running giant and the wind ringing inside your ears, like cymbals that have just been beaten -- that's when you've decided, in between the buzz of a fly and the falling of the autumn leaf that you are, in fact, as the fog gives way and the rays of the sun beaming on the edge, ready to jump - about to jump - in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Baaaah.

2011-12-27T22:20:00.001+08:00

That moment when the phone beeps and you want it to be from the person you want it to be and you brush off the thought to spare yourself a moment of both excitement and anxiety and you see the phone and it really is from the person you wanted to hear from the most.

nighttime

2011-12-27T00:35:00.004+08:00

what has become of me? in the light of recent events, what has it (not knowing exactly what "it" is) molded me into?

it's like the silent and careful fluttering of a small butterfly hovering on a lonely flower in the middle of green fields on a hot midday sun. the early morning dew has evaporated from the earth and gives off a solid, pungent smell. quietly, a mirage is forming in the distance as the soil dries up fast. what is the vision? is it a sea? a pond? a lagoon?

yet, the small butterfly, not knowing where else to go, gently settles on the flower and dutifully sucks up its sweet nectar.

Seed

2011-12-19T22:07:00.003+08:00

So begins the sprouting of a seed that was lain, watered, nurtured, and let out in the sun. Not hopefully one day its vines slowly and surely creep up the very same spade that was used to dig its soil. Not hopefully one day it constricts its own roots and kills the very source of its own life.

nip/tuck

2011-12-19T20:29:00.000+08:00

Imperfect.

Eyes too high. Nose misaligned. Lips are thick. Chin too small.

Emotional instability, insecurities, fears, self doubt not included.

How's your imperfection?

undone

2011-11-14T22:43:00.002+08:00

I'm totally clueless as to what I'm doing. Work bores me. The idea of training does not bring that much excitement as before. I do, however, enjoy it while I'm in it.

I'm uninspired. I want to write, I want to draw, I want to take pictures. I'd like to immerse myself in art, in literature, in music, in movies but there's nothing inside me that pushes me the same way as before.

Maraming araw at gabi na rin ang lumipas na gusto kong gumawa ng bagay na ikagugulat kahit ng sarili ko. Pero parati ko na lang piniling magbasa na lang sa kama at itulog ang panandaliang pagpukaw ng loob.

Kailangan ko yata ng bagong mga kaibigan na mapagshe-share-an ko ng mga bagong gawain.

O baka kailangan ko lang ng love life.

Baka.

Pero, sabi ko nga, di ko alam ang ginagawa ko.

In other news...

2011-11-11T21:41:00.002+08:00

... you're exclusively dating someone na pala. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear you

2011-11-10T00:20:00.003+08:00

You know, I've been really out there. I mean REALLY out there. Sometimes going out of my way to just be out there.

There are good ones. There are so-so-there's a possibility ones. There were surprises, too.

But still I come home with nothing. I'm still hoping, though, life. Be kind please. Be generous. I know I deserve it.

Love,

Bryan

Jason Mraz

2011-11-01T18:27:00.002+08:00

I finally saw him perform live (and intimately, albeit in front of a very huge crowd).

Awesome. Just awesome.

He sang his new song, I Won't Give Up, and everyone just kept quiet and took it all in. Perfect.

What if...

2011-10-31T00:51:00.002+08:00

... I needed to do what I did because want to. Does that make me a bad person? =P

... A random person you knew is somehow connected to you. Is it still random?

... A good time suddenly hit you back?

... The Jason Mraz concert is just so freaking AMAZEBALLS? LIKE ZOMG! =P

Meanwhile in Boracay

2011-10-28T02:47:00.000+08:00

Veintiocho

2011-10-27T15:49:00.003+08:00

of old town glories

2011-09-27T01:25:00.003+08:00

I was watching a movie when a familiar sound, no lyrics, suddenly played as background. As the movie plays, I keep a mental note and the lyrics, unknowingly memorized by heart, kept playing on my head. Suddenly, it dawns on me. I'm in this old town. For an hour (or more, perhaps) I was back again in that old town. The movie title couldn't have been more perfect: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits. As with the song.

Hometown Glory

Adele

I’ve been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
“Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I can call?”
“No and thank you, please Madam. I ain’t lost, just wandering”

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of my world
Are the wonders of this world
Are the wonders of my world

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque
I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades
I like it in the city when two worlds collide
You get the people and the government
Everybody taking different sides

Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united
Shows that we ain’t gonna take it
Shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit
Shows that we are united

Round my hometown
Memories are fresh
Round my hometown
Ooh the people I’ve met

Ciao!

Are the wonders of my world

fx chronicles

2011-09-15T01:02:00.001+08:00

It's funny how those five notes from a text message alert from an old phone I had bring forth a sudden gush of memories.

What's happening, life?

dusk

2011-09-13T00:32:00.001+08:00

It is of longing and wanton remembrance that I am lost in this wonderfully hellish memory of you tonight.

To my lover

2011-09-12T01:49:00.004+08:00

You, whose face I haven’t set my eyes on

Whose eyes bear the strength of the tiger’s

And the seeming innocence of a child's,

Look upon the lines of my face

The crow’s feet that

Stretches into my temples –

Eyes that were once

In hopeful anticipation

Of you.

And the old laugh lines beside

My mouth that has grown

Weary, and tired, and wasted.

You, whose gentle slope of the shoulders

Ironically, radiates permanence,

For a minute, feel my arms

Down to my fingertips

Its strength now uncertain

Now suspicious.

Of nothing

Of everything.

You, whose hair so badly I want to get a whiff of

Even just for a moment –

Just a fraction of eternity

To run my fingers down to your neck

And pull you in

For just a fleeting, maybe

Stolen

Kiss.

Wrap me, too, in your embrace

Until I memorize the feeling of

Your mysterious hand through my knowing hand.

I shall become you

And you shall become me,

And us, one.

You, whom I have not seen,

Whose hands I have memorized,

Whose kiss I have tasted,

Whose eyes, I have only imagined,

Find me.

2011-09-06T00:09:00.001+08:00

"The water in my stream may have changed many times, but the reflection of the moon and the stars remains the same."

- Rumi

sad sunday

2011-09-04T14:29:00.003+08:00

So I just found out that my friend Patty's two-month old daughter died last Thursday. I still don't know what the cause is. It's just sad, we were talking about her daughter a few weeks ago.

I can't even begin to imagine how that is for Patty - for her family. I just pray that they be strong in this very sad time.

Sigh.

We're going there later. What's happening? In a month I've been to two wakes. Both are too young to die. Then again, we absolutely have no idea when our time is. So, before I pass on to the other life, let me tell you how much I love you!

~~And to my special someone, I know you're out there, I hope we meet before that day comes. o__0~~

Life on the road

2011-08-26T18:51:00.007+08:00

Nice to be back home after almost a month of traveling for work. I love that I get to places I've never been to. It just took its toll on me after a month of doing it -- laundry, time, social life, ~~lovelife~~, not to mention the sheer exhaustion.

I tried scoring myself on how much of the Philippines I've been to again and I got a C+. Mababa pa rin pala teehee! =D

http://forge.codedgraphic.com/lakbayan/

In other news, I'm so glad to be alive after that fastcraft trip from Sorsogon to Masbate. Ayayay! The sea was so rough that a lot of the luggage and even the TV inside the seacraft fell from its place. I was literally yanked off my seat quite a number of times, too.

I shall never go to Masbate again during the rainy season. And if I really need to, there's always the plane.

In hindsight, the trip was good. I was able to book a case, at the very least. =)

Ciao!

Bicolandia and everything in between

2011-08-23T09:35:00.001+08:00

So I'm here in Naga waiting for Chris to come back from the airport. In a few hours I'll be in Legaspi City. Then Sorsogon then Masbate.

I just came from Zamboanga City and Clark last week.

I wonder where life takes me next.

It's tiring but I'm just trying to take it all in and enjoying it altogether. I almost forgot to mention that I was in CWC yesterday. I wasn't able to wakeboard but at least I've seen the place.

So this is me making lemonades after life throws me lemons. Besides, I know I'll miss doing this eventually and wish I'll be as busy when the humdrum of office work takes over.

Until then, ciao!

This is why I work

2011-08-10T23:14:00.002+08:00

I've been stressed and exhausted before. Pero parang ngayon lang ako nalunod ulit sa work. Stress to the maximum. And just when I thought I wasn't doing anything right, this text comes along:

"Sir Bry, this is _____ po from Batch 38... Sir thank you nga po pala kanina. Natouch po ako. Sir kinakabahan po ak osa revalida hay. Sa inyo ko lang po sinabi sir. Sana makapasa at makaya po. Good night Sir Bry. Mamimiss namin yung 3 weeks na nakasama namin kayo. We love you Sir Bry the best ka talaga, very approachable ;("

I know this is His way of telling me, "It's okay to be tired, son. You're doing a good job!"

Thank you, Lord. Thank you. I just always have to remind myself that I'm blessed. This is more than enough. Okay na sakin ang maka affect at maka-inspire ng one single soul.

...

2011-07-20T23:34:00.001+08:00

I don't feel good. It's not exactly helpful to say it out loud, but I just don't feel good.

Floating

2011-07-19T00:01:00.001+08:00

That's exactly how I feel right now. It's just not happening. I want to walk again. Or maybe run. I feel like I'm in suspended animation.

scars

2011-07-02T21:34:00.002+08:00

When they said that "scars are beautiful," I think they meant it figuratively. 'Cuz how can scars from a major surgery because you ate too much fat be beautiful? =)

Wow, 2011. What a year. And you're only halfway done! First time to get hospitalized and operated on -- a major surgery at that. I don't even know if I can type it correctly: laparascopic cholecystectomy. Yeah, that one where they had to remove the gall bladder.

Hey, I've got the video, you wanna watch?

Doc says I've to come back to him in a week to remove the dressing. He also said that I can do anything with the bandages on, anyway. I can even take a bath. Meh. I dunno. I hope my clean freak doesn't hit me in the coming days.

Well, that's all for now. I'm quite buzzed by the meds and this bloated (more like distended) tummy I have. It's kinda hard to move. Though the doctor said it's best for me to move to remove the unwanted air. Oh well, I'm babbling again.

Ciao.

GLOBE

2011-06-25T20:25:00.002+08:00

No doubt you offer one of the best products in the market. I also appreciate your efforts to reach out to your customers as demonstrated in social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter.

However, it is in the service process and the delivery of it that you fall way below benchmark, at least in my experience.

I've been a loyal customer for almost a decade -- prepaid, postpaid, broadband, and landline services. For years, too, I'm encountering the same problem with my broadband. But what appalls me more is that you insist on solving this problem with THE SAME remedy for years. It has become so bad (and recurrent) that I've already memorized the script and the process by which your technical support representatives offer a solution.

This is probably shooting to the stars, but your claim at being the best in the industry and for the clients you serve will only be a reality IF and WHEN you do TOTAL PRODUCT SERVICE DELIVERY and deliver TOTAL CUSTOMER SATISFACTION, which obviously, I am not experiencing with you.

the ghost

2011-06-03T23:12:00.004+08:00

I glanced over my shoulder for no more than a solitary heartbeat when I saw your ghost. A deluge of emotions ran through every vein in my body -- neither sadness nor happiness, neither regret nor yearning. The emotions were just emotions -- crude, overt, raw.

I felt naked.

I stood frozen, rooted to the ground with only my eyes following the vestiges of your soul. It was after that same solitary heartbeat that I gained freedom from my emotions' solid embrace.

My eyes followed you.

Until you were lost amongst the crowd.

It was then that I knew that the ghost exists and the past is not dead.

Updates for no one

2011-05-28T13:45:00.002+08:00

Went to Cagayan de Oro and Davao for work.

CDO - Hyperacidity attack at 3 in the morning, really bad hotel, construction outside my room, ac is hella noisy, really old bed and pillows, no hot water, got flu in the middle of training: worst training experience ever because of those things.

MNL - Rushed myself to the ER again a day before I depart for Davao.

DVO - Spent the first night in the hospital, they wanted to admit me for 48 hours, had to say no naturally, trained the morning after, good hotel, good food, good weather. It was smooth sailing after the first night.

Makati Med - Filed a leave last Friday, to finally have myself checked. Initial finding of the Gastroentorologist was Acid Peptic Disease. Ulcer. Advised to have endoscopy but paperworks got in the way. Specialist will only be available until Wednesday. I couldn't take a leave next week. Will settle for Saturday for the procedure. Hoping it doesn't hurt. Nurse assured me I was gonna be put to sleep.

Mom is coming back home. Not sure exactly when. Lots of bilin. I'm sure 1/4 lang maalala niya.

It's Saturday today. Raining. Hard. Will sleep in this afternoon. That's after a good night's rest last night.

By the way, the evaluations for my CDO and DVO training are overwhelming. I guess this is really my passion. I'm happy.

trolling

2011-05-12T00:15:00.000+08:00

Well, not really. Just browsing some friends over at Facebook and found this from one of my former classmates in DLSU, Nestle.

Love is that quiet certainty, that final decision, that we will spend our lives together, whether we get married or not, whether we become great or not. It’s not I-need-to-be-with-you, but simply, I am with you, not right now, not even right here in this world, but forever, in that soul place beyond the reach of the world’s problems and questions and influences.

I always have admired her writing skills. These are just perfect lines.

And no. It has nothing to do with me.

questions and nostalgia

2011-05-02T23:20:00.003+08:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

I remember posting this on my fridge back in college and having memorized it, too, by heart. It's a great quote.

tonight i'm giving in

2011-04-28T22:03:00.003+08:00

Fine. Papatulan ko ang gabi at ang mga bagay na tumatakbo sa isip ko.

I remember you telling me that I no longer smile as much as I did the first few times we've been together. You said that I worry too much. That I think too much. Maybe I did that time.

I know I still want to be with you that time. But the not knowing part of you not telling me the entire truth bothered me. Even with the little things kasi, you lie about it. When you told me that, I was already at a point where I feel as if I no longer know you. As if I was unsure about the things you say about yourself, about how your day went, about how you spent your week. Yes, the time you told me that, it was true -- I was no longer smiling the way I usually did.

It wasn't always like that.

I gave you my complete, unabashed, untainted trust when we first met. Yeah, maybe I found you a little arrogant at times, but I completely believed in you. Even when I was fighting the feeling of not giving in to your promises of forever and not ever being apart starting then, you know, I know and I can't deny that I actually did. Too much in fact that I gave in completely. I pushed away all the thoughts of "what if's" that was gnawing through my head every time I find myself in solitude and think about those promises.

I was smiling then. I kept thinking how lucky I was to have found something that's real and that makes me happy. Maybe I was love struck. But who cares? I didn't then. All I knew then was that we loved each other so much we can't do anything to change that. Not even if we tried. I love you and you love me and that's all that matters. Mattered.

Strong is the rock that stands steadfastly amidst the lashing waves of the ocean. But strong and magnificent and beautiful as it is, it erodes.

So did my trust.

I wish I could have smiled then. I wish I could've just maybe faked one. And then maybe you wouldn't have asked. You wouldn't have told me I wasn't smiling anymore.

Maybe I wouldn't remember it tonight, humid and hot as it is. But you're no longer here. I'm not sure if I still know you. Like how I felt I didn't know you then.

Ciao.

okay.

2011-04-25T22:53:00.002+08:00

... so my fuse has gotten shorter lately.

so what? fuck off and leave me alone.

my heart

2011-04-20T22:23:00.001+08:00

is heavy. =[

Late Monday jeezy

2011-04-18T23:07:00.003+08:00

... uhh, yeah. Whatever that means.

Anyhoo, just saw this tonight. It's flooded my Facebook wall. My love affair with Bruno Mars' music started last year when I heard Marry You.

This, The Lazy Song, is my second most favorite track. I was bumming at my mom's room in Dumaguete doing absolutely nothing and just listening to this when I fell in love with the track. So first this song. Then this video. Purrfect!

just a feel good song!

ciao!

Monday randomness

2011-04-18T11:02:00.005+08:00

Dear lady who sat beside me today,

It is not my obligation to give your payment to the driver, no. The act of passing the payment in the jeepney is never an obligation. Rather, a matter of "pagmamagandang loob."

So aside from not saying "paki" or please, not saying thank you makes you audacious and assuming and downright rude. Not to mention the manner in which you literally dropped your coins on my hand (which by that time was already overflowing with other gracious passengers' coins) causing all the coins in it to almost scatter on the floor.

OK, so you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, as you told the person who called you right after you did that to me. I don't fucking care. It's a fucking Monday morning that we all have to fucking go through.

Thank goodness I wasn't that rude yet to shove all your coins in your cunt.

PS. Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Bryan

-----

So I woke up early today to shut my boss up. Got in the training room at exactly 8 in the morning. Woopee. Yay. FML.

BUT, weirdly enough, I have lots of energy today. Morning training went really well. =)

Looking forward to the coming Holy Week weekend. =)

ciao!

Today

2011-04-17T22:49:00.003+08:00

Today is a well of all things viral, virtual, and videos.

Yeah, I know. From THAT annoyinglyhorrible music video I'm not even gonna mention.

This sorta looks like my ideal food pyramid.

Now, here's a set of FREAKISHLY AMAZING AND ENTERTAINING cheering videos from Japan. God I love them, I swear.

THEY'RE ALL GIRLS HERE!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS JUST HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE.

OH. MY. GOD.

------------

On a more serious note, I just did something new yesterday. Check this out. Can you guess?

So refreshing!

randomness

2011-04-14T22:31:00.004+08:00

Found this on the beach.

Funny conversation:

Me: “Miss, where can I buy bottled water?”

Staff: “ Sir you can buy it in Meaty Mart.”

Me: “Is it far?”

Staff: “No sir, just a few meters away from the hotel. You can also try Sweet and Sassy.”

Me: “Okay, thank you!”

Ten minutes and a tricycle ride after, a sign greeted me: Mighty Mart Grocery

Overheard in the gym:

Guy 1: “Pare kanina ka pa text ng text dyan eh, buhat na!”

Guy 2: (Walks toward the equipment, still texting) “Teka pare, pera ‘to eh… Aanhin ko ang magandang katawan kung wala naman akong pamasahe bukas.”

Hahaha, nahulog ko tuloy yung buhat ko.

_____

The God of Small Things... like reading

I can't finish my book. Ugh. It's a bit harder than I thought. And I thought it's gonna be another fast read. Wrong. There are some parts of the book that read like a normal narrative. Then suddenly, without warning, it changes, as to how to call it, I don't know. The only thing I know is that it changes. Quite frequently. And that's where I become blank. It's just after reading two pages more that I'll notice that it just doesn't make sense to me. So I go back all over again. I can just put it down and read another book, but I don't want to lose whatever ~~patience~~ momentum ~~patience~~ I still have left. The last time I did that, I never went back to read the book again.

So there. I hope I finally finish this na. It's been a month already for a book that's not that thick.

ciao!

it's all i do

2011-04-05T23:16:00.002+08:00

work.

i have very little time for social life and usually i'm with my closest friends. it's not bad.

it's not good either.

for my love life lang naman.

yeah.

that.

i'm sad.

p.s. another useless post from me.

of people and infatuation and life as it is

2011-03-23T22:48:00.005+08:00

it's strange. these people.

they like me,

i don't like them.

i like them,

they don't like me.

we both don't like each other.

we both (...)

still waiting for the last piece. why can't it just be easier?

fine. i want a love life na. weirdly enough, i had that realization in the middle of my busiest work schedule. nice, bryan.

i'm moody. i can be an ass. i sometimes play mr. know-it-all. i'm sometimes perverted. and gross. i fend for myself. yes, i'm independent. i need no strings. i have no need to prove myself. for now. i'm eclectic. i abhor labels. i enjoy labels. i'm ironic. i'm sometimes a masochist. and also a sadist. i can be with myself without feeling by myself. i'm a loner like that. i'm thoughtful. i can be sweet. i want to hold hands. maybe show some public display of affection. i like pet names. i think i'm attentive. i'm keen. sometimes emotional. and sensitive. i'm loving. i love deeply. i'm a bit naive. sometimes love blinds me. i wear my heart on my sleeve. i love without reservations. like neruda, i love without knowing how, or when, or why. i love unconditionally.

knock and the door shall be opened.

so.

are you there yet?

LE SIGH.

Hello from the Netherworld!

2011-02-27T23:56:00.001+08:00

I don’t exactly remember when I started reading again. So far and unexpectedly this year, I have this somewhat insatiable need to read. I’ve read The Rule of Four, A Thousand Splendid Suns, a host of Dan Brown fast reads such as The Lost Symbol, Deception Point, and currently, Digital Fortress, in a matter of two months. Just this week, I satisfied the urge to buy new books (Angelology, The God of Small Things) because I’m almost done with the last of my Dan Brown. Surprisingly, I haven’t touched any John Grisham, yet.

This, however, isn’t about my reading list. I just remembered to visit this old and dusty blog and realized that I haven’t been blogging, well, for the longest time. I’m still blaming twitter for it when I’m almost used to making do with the 140 character limit on my thoughts. Aside from the fact that I can flood the web with my unsolicited updates anytime with my phone, I haven’t seen the need for me to vent out anything that requires more than the 140 character limit.

Obviously, this is merely a repository of all my ramblings and thoughts about whatever that comes to mind and my so-called universe – which I think is quite unfortunate. This means that I haven’t been in touch with myself for the longest time.

In any case, I’ve just seen a movie and there was a line uttered by one of the characters there that told me to “just surrender in the moment.” I shall try that very soon. I must write everything I see now. Maybe bringing a notebook and a pen should also help.

Hello blog! I shall see more of you! I’m going back to Cebu in two weeks and you shall hear from me then, too.

Ciao!

fanboying

2011-01-31T21:51:00.001+08:00

Dear Adele,

I love you.

XOXO

Bryan

The Riddle of the Castle on a Cloud

2011-01-17T19:31:00.004+08:00

Maybe this is the sort of moment when riddles have an afterglow of their own, a wisdom that illuminates the edges of experience when nothing else can. In a world where half of the villagers always lie and half of them always tell the truth; where the hare never catches the tortoise because the distance between them shrinks be a never collapsing infinity of halves; where the fox can never be left of the same bank of the river as the hen, or the hen on the same bank as the grain, because with perfect regularity the one will consume the other, and nothing you can do will prevent it; in that world, everything is sensible but the premise.

A riddle is a castle built on air, perfectly habitable if you don't look down... And if I accept its existence, then the foundation is set and the impossible castle can be built. The rest is just mortar and stones.

-- p.364, The Rule of Four

i once believed

2011-01-16T22:49:00.002+08:00

i was thinking just now about how i believed everything you said to me two years ago. at first i was hesitant to see what you have for both of us because it was all too big and i, being the cynical and practical one, couldn't -- wouldn't want to look at the picture you were trying to paint.

eventually, however, i started to see the little images of us in the future. slowly, yet surely, i was able to appreciate the colors you were trying to paint, the yet abstract picture you were trying to show. and i was there, slowly walking towards your proud painting... standing, gazing at its vivid hues, its tiny complexities, its profundities.

as time progressed and as i began to focus my sight on other things, i have unwittingly seen the wholeness of it in my peripheral vision. there it was in its marvelous glory -- still all colorful, complex, profound... abstract.

there never was that painting. it was crumbling when i saw it. it was a mess -- a huge, ugly, crumbling mess that i once believed to be a beautiful work of art.

the thing is, in my quiet time, i still think of that beautiful mess. thinking that maybe, if only that could have been true, how wonderful it is be looking at it everyday. to have always stood in awe in front of it. to have been experiencing the wholeness of it and appreciating it every single day.

that's all i have now. a thought, a figment of a memory that once was that i once believed.

2010

2010-12-31T13:28:00.004+08:00

Dear 2010,

I don't know whether to like you or hate you. But a lot of changes for me happened during this year. I ended a three-year career and moved on to another company. New faces are met. While I have to say goodbye to some. New friendships are also forged. Lies ended a love affair. New boundaries are being crossed. Lesser introspection, stopping, and thinking, and more focus on moving forward. Travels with friends came easy, too, this year. Old friends are still friends and bonds are stronger than before. More time with family. Another chance of being part of a family.

I guess that's just how it goes, 2010, no?

This is what I wanna share, ultimately. My status in Facebook and Twitter:

Forget starting over. Forget making new promises you know you'd break in the end. Forget all the hurt, forget all the sorrows, forget all the heartaches. Instead, continue to build a happy life for yourself, continue to make amends, continue to forgive, continue to love, continue to forge new friendships, and continue to tread new waters. In 2011, CONTINUE TO BE A BETTER YOU. Cheers my friends! =)

Sincerely,

Bryan

can't think of a title and another "random" as a title will make this blog even worse so i'll go for what i said -- can't think of a title

2010-11-23T22:29:00.000+08:00

It’s weird seeing you again. I don’t know if it’s because seeing your face takes me back to that dark past or I’m just not the same anymore. Either way, I’ve already said my piece and I’ve already drawn the lines – lines that I will keep uncrossed for both our sakes. Because I’m done playing the game and I’m done playing the victim. You can screw up and I won’t be there for you to blame. Yes, I guess we can be friends for now. Know, though, that I don’t keep friends who lie and deceive and scheme.

In a matter of days, my two kakampi in HR will be transferred to another department. Now all the heads are from the competing company. Next year, you can call it the *** microcosm outside *** office. That sucks, ha. Don’t even get me started with their salaries.

Christmas is very, very near. I’m suddenly torn whether I want a new bed or a semi-badly needed new phone. Whatevs. I’ll know when I’m about to buy. Though… the room sure needs some upgrading. Haha.

I’m slowly bringing myself into a world that is new to me. I wonder how it goes. For now, I’m quite enjoying it and to some level, I’d say I feel much better when I’m lost in that world.

of purpose

2010-11-11T20:28:00.002+08:00

thought of the day:

sometimes when you feel like your day has no purpose, make up one.

of getting back to my passion

2010-11-04T23:31:00.003+08:00

it started with getting inspired to fold pieces of paper or what is called origami. which, by the way, i thoroughly enjoyed.

[out of topic: i seriously need to go to saizen and hoard as much stuff as i want to. i need company though to make it funner. =) ]

then, back to my dusty sketchpads and pencils.

and a while back, i spontaneously bought my first book after a long while. the rule of four by ian caldwell/dustin thomason.

i've been here before and i guess, i'm liking it. =)

* i shall post pictures soon.

... creatively

2010-11-02T01:38:00.002+08:00

I think I've quite mastered the Art of Being Quiet.

-__-

it just goes in circles

2010-10-24T01:03:00.002+08:00

this week i'm stressed. i'm not even handling a batch this week (and the next batch) but i'm quite stressed. it's as if i'm beginning to feel suffocated. things that i have been trying to forget the past few months are starting to resurface and i'm not ready to face them just yet.

they always do.

in those now brief yet often moments of solitude i find myself in, they always seem to be breaking out of those compartments i tried to hide them in. and i always seem to catch my breath when they do.

friday was supposed to be something i looked forward to. yet it ended far from what i have planned -- i suddenly felt sad. and alone. and helpless.

(i'm still looking for that writing mojo.)

i wanted to take a hiatus from this blog thing. less talk, less writing, less thinking, less feeling, less introspection, less emotions... i just read what's on the paper, crumple it, and hide it somewhere i won't remember. gibberish.

------

kelan ba dadating? medyo naiinip na ko.

------

makikita din kita. =)

random thoughts

2010-09-27T22:50:00.003+08:00

i don't expect you to adjust so quickly. but i hope you are mature enough to know.

_________

i'm getting good at the un-feeling.

_________

i want an honest to goodness mature, stable, honest, forever kind of relationship. i'm done with the games people play.

_________

sometimes i wonder how it is to be the one leaving.

_________

i want to be brave enough.

_________

i want you to be brave enough.

boraemo (bora-emo)

2010-09-16T22:20:00.000+08:00

down time

2010-09-11T23:30:00.002+08:00

today, i'm supposed to be excited. today i'm supposed to be giddy about packing as i usually am when i'm about to go somewhere. but today, tonight, i drown myself in sadness.

i keep telling myself that people always leave -- that i should get used to it. after all, i've been left by people for quite a good number of times already. still, though, i think that if and when the time is right, they'll come back. it's the waiting that kills me. it's the not-knowing part that kills me.

i digress.

here's what i really want to say: I MISS YOU.

and the sad part is, i can't wait forever.

ganun pala

2010-08-10T01:15:00.000+08:00

... ang feeling ng ikaw ang chine-check out.

it struck again

2010-07-31T13:38:00.003+08:00

my hyperacidity that is.

i was just planning to watch my series last night when my back began to ache. i knew it too well. that's how my second attack started -- back ache, hurt in all positions, cold sweats, shortness of breath.

then it started.

i decided to just sit and wait for it to subside. it started at around 11:30 until i was too tired and went to bed at 5 in the morning with my stomach still hurting.

i didn't want to rush myself in the ER this time. i don't have health coverage yet.

it sucks. and most of all it hurt.

a delayed greeting

2010-07-18T12:29:00.001+08:00

i forgot that last june 28 is my blog's 6th year.

wow.

i never keeping something up this long for *this* long. to think i'm doing this for nothing.

happy 6th year manokchicken!

basiang and the brownout

2010-07-15T01:15:00.002+08:00

what i hate most about brownouts is that my thoughts seem to have a life and a voice of their own -- and a loud one at that. =/

dami kong naiisip. pati yung mga dapat hindi dapat iniisip.

sa totoo lang, namimiss na kita. pero kasabay nun yung mga bagay na dapat nang kalimutan.

bahala na.

the thing is

2010-07-09T23:38:00.003+08:00

... paulit ulit lang. in a short span of time, balik nanaman sa dating gawi. ayoko na ng ganun. nakakapagod. nakakapagod na rin ni mag-isip tungkol dun.

ako na lang lagi ang may problema. ako na lang parati ang dapat magbigay. ako na lang parati ang dapat umintindi. ako na lang ang laging may sayad. ako na lang lagi. there's a lot of "you should have's" or "you could have's."

this time, i think i know what i want. i'm not sure about the consequences. i think someone will get hurt. the thing is, if i continue with this, someday, someone will eventually get hurt. it's just prolonging the inevitable.

so. for the last time, i'll do what i do best (and you can consider this as the last), it's my fault. i take the blame. i take the responsibility. have a happy life.

random

2010-07-08T00:41:00.003+08:00

so, last night, my pc finally broke. i almost killed myself. but it's done a great and noble job of keeping me sane and occupied for the last 8 years. yeah, that's purrty old for a pc.

+++

it's my boss's first day last monday =/ i dunno what to feel exactly. i just feel... restrained.

+++

globe tech support is really useless. i talked to two tech reps again and both of them were just too giddy to get me off the phone to save their fucking AHT's. it's so freakin easy for them to say we-can-no-longer-do-anything-about-it-so-we'll-send-a-technician-instead.

and when you ask them when the standard reply is we-don't-have-a-time-frame-just-wait-for-our-call.

and when i tell them that no one has ever contacted me they'd go i'd-be-on-top-of-this-sir-i'll-file-this-(really stoooopid)-report-and-follow-this-up-personally.

MY ASS!

the second one, i literally had to DIRECT him on how to help me. i was the one with suggestions (being the one who always HAVE TO call them for technical problems) and i managed to solve my own fuckin problem without their help. or their home service technicians. dumb fucks.

+++

i'm welcoming the change sa work. dapat nang magpayaman. kung yayaman man ako dito.

+++

gusto ko pa, pero pagod na ko. i don't think i CAN anymore.

the gift

2010-07-04T01:20:00.001+08:00

They say big things come in small packages.
Small package: The gift.
Big thing: The thought, the effort, and the gesture behind the gift.

Along with this small token is the video of their messages of thanks (which I have to figure out how to convert so I can upload).
Thank you Batch 26. It's the small things that I love most about this job. Good luck and God bless you all.

ok na sana eh

2010-06-22T23:20:00.003+08:00

kaso maalala ko ulit. kaya sorry na lang =P

kupal ka kasi. ewan ko ba kung anong kinakain mo sa umaga at nuknukan ka ng sinungaling. gago ka, ako pa inuto mo? kung magsisinungaling kasi, taena galingan mo naman. nakakainsulto ang ginagawa mong pang uuto. naman! unang una, hindi ako pinanganak kahapon. parating ka pa lang, umaalingasaw na balat mo sa kasinungalingan mo. taena mo.

pangalawa, bobo ka ba at di mo man lang naisip na nag first rule sa pagsisinungaling ay wag kang papahuli? huli ka! oh gago ano ka ngayon?

pangatlo, huwag kang plastik. kung gusto mong makipagplastikan, wag sakin, baka ihampas ko bungo mo sa pader. na may bubog.

simula ngayon, puta ka, lahat ng makikita kong kasinungalingan, ipapamukha ko sayo -- ipapakain ko pa sayo hanggang sa magsawa ka sa mga kataihan mong tarantado ka.

kung mapikon ka, tara, sapakan tayo.

gago.

done

2010-06-20T23:08:00.001+08:00

done done done done.

done done done done done done done.

done.

done. done.

and done.

sorry, but i'm done. =)

2010-06-06T01:26:00.002+08:00

... Half smile on the outside

Then its gone.

- ivy

sometimes

2010-05-30T01:27:00.001+08:00

you just have to ask yourself if what you did is right and if what you did is the right choice.

rgt

2010-05-29T23:18:00.002+08:00

The Road Not Taken

By Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

sorry i could not travel both and be one traveler

techie dream

2010-05-29T14:17:00.003+08:00

this week, apart from working my ass off, i've been in techie mode.i found out about these, and i want them now.

sony ericsson vivaz

sony ericsson vivaz pro

sony ericsson x10 mini and x10 mini pro (with qwerty)

toshiba satellite pro u500

nikkor 50mm f/1.4

i gotta save up.

...

2010-05-25T22:58:00.003+08:00

~~sorry but~~ it still bothers me.

i really still can't believe the audacity you've shown towards me. you put me right on the spot -- damned if i do, damned if i don't. and this is not the first time.

next time, be gentle with words. see, words have this supernatural tendency to either melt or break one's heart. what happened was the latter. this is me being honest.

i was actually trying to just brush it off -- forget about it but i can't at this time yet.

i have to strike out the part of me being sorry because this time, i will allow myself to feel what you just made me feel.

i guess i am too kind.

'di ko maintindihan

2010-05-25T20:18:00.005+08:00

... kung panong ikaw ang nanghingi ng pabor, pero parang ako ang nahihiya.

... kung bakit ang pakiramdam ko, kaya ka lang nagiging mabait eh dahil may kailangan ka.

... kung bakit madaling gumawa ng bagay para sa iba, pero pagdating sakin, laging mahirap.

... kung paano ako naging selfish.

... kung bakit kaya ko pa ring maging mapagbigay.

ewan ko na lang.

* sorry ha, pero parang ang kapal lang yata.

pocketful of sunshine

2010-05-23T22:45:00.005+08:00

so last friday, after lunch, i decided to do an activity to prepare them for the long afternoon ahead. usually, it's just a small game wherein the losing group will have to do the consequence as given by the winning group.

i decided to digress from that usual ice breaker because i, too, am beginning to get tired of it. what i did was to write all their names on each paper and posted it in front of the class. i instructed them to go in front of the paper as it was laid out in front and write something positive about the person. it took us quite a while to finish and after which, i read it aloud in class and have each of them tell me if they liked what they heard or if anything isn't true about what was written. it was a good 30 minutes spent. after the activity, i proceeded with the afternoon discussion.

in the middle of my discussion, i noticed a piece of paper being passed around. i don't normally mind those things during my class because i'm sure as hell they were already on information overload and passing notes could help them regain their focus and, well, refrain from drifting into the oblivion.

in the middle of the afternoon, i gave them a 15-minute break so they can rest and do whatever they need and want to do. as for me, i went down to have a smoke.

when i came back, i saw a piece of paper in front of me with my name on it and a note to "please read it aloud :)"

i froze for a split second. could this be? is this the moment i realize i'm not made of stone? that i have feelings? that i am touched? hahaha.

so i gave them a smile and said thank you for the gesture. apparently, they also made one for me like i have them do earlier that day.

see, those are the small things that make me love my job even more. :)

and oh, here's what they wrote :)

loves necktie
male version of miss joy
gwapo oiiis!
kenkoy
gracious
mortal enemy of RC (one of the attendees i always poke fun of, in a good way, of course)
cute
approachable
alaskador
workaholic
talented
sweet (??)
i like his haircut
-- hehe what hair?!
funny
marunong mag plantsa
break na pag nag-weewee
"sige, pabili tayo ng coffee"
"sige, pabili tayo ng sugar"
"sige, paakyat natin yung notes"
"sige, paakyat natin kay clavio"

now, now, now. i know there are things there that made me go "wwwuuut?!" haha but the gesture really touched me.

ciao!

last night

2010-05-20T20:55:00.003+08:00

yesterday registered the highest temperature in metro manila -- 37.5 C.

and i wondered why i was sweating like mother and chugged down one and a half pitchers of water...

i wish we had a swimming pool.

random still

2010-05-19T20:57:00.003+08:00

+ my boss is resigning. he confirmed it with me yesterday without fanfare. i wished him well and i told him, "TAE KA." hehe. until they find a replacement, it's just myself in the training and marketing department. =(

+ this week is my first full-on batch training. i'll be handling everything, from start to finish. it's three-week course and whole day training, too.

+ i am welcoming the change. i hope i can do this for a long time. i like what i do.

+ you and you're half truths. no matter what you say, a half truth is a half lie. period. i'm just taking a step back. i'll let you do your thing and leave everything to chance. that's what this is anyway -- chance.

+ my credit card debt is still there. masaya nanaman sila.

+ i'm looking forward to tomorrow, this weekend, and the rest of my life.

+ was able to talk to you today, i still can't figure you out. what the hell are you? :)

ciao!

surprise

2010-05-13T00:37:00.000+08:00

i guess i shouldn't have heard what i heard.

random thoughts

2010-05-07T22:56:00.004+08:00

"this monday, i'll go back to being green. "

so my facebook status says. why gibo? because he doesn't sugar coat issues. he answers them straight to the point in the most concise and sensible way... because he gives the best answers in all the presidential debates i've seen... because he's not selling fantasies -- he gave no super fantastical and hyper unrealistic promises... his plans are clear... because there's no mudslinging and backbiting...

the way he ran his campaign is just spectacular and admirable. even in the midst of the controversies surrounding his campaign about the support of GMA, or the lack thereof, he remained steadfast and strong.

one of the very few presidentiables na hindi ko ikahihiyang iharap sa mundo at sabihing, "presidente namin yan!"

ganun ka-simple.

-----

tulungan mo ako. lumalayo ang loob ko sayo. ayoko mang mangyari, pero papunta na dun. iparamdam mo sakin na gusto mo ako at kailangan mo ako bilang ako at hindi yung ako na hinubog lang ng isip mo.

ako ito.

sana sapat na yun.

masakit mang isipin, pero nararamdaman ko lang na nandiyan ka sa panahong kailangan mo lang ako.

ciao.

fire in the city

2010-05-04T19:50:00.000+08:00

lonely city

fire at work

.

2010-05-03T12:59:00.001+08:00

last week

2010-05-02T19:44:00.002+08:00

i just finished my first two training days last thursday and friday. that just strengthened my belief that teaching/training is my passion. it makes me sweat, it makes me tired, it exhausts me, yet at the same time it fulfills me, it rewards me, and it makes me proud and happy.

i've been training what i'm training now since my prudentialife days. it's just that we don't do an in-depth training of the industry. this time, i have to learn and relearn everything i've known the past years. i need to study and review all the materials in a few days for me to train them effectively in just a matter of days. i actually miss the training i got from my last company where trainers are given months to prepare for just one product. this time, i need to cover 8-9 products in two weeks.

fortunately for me, i was able to do it last thursday and friday.

last wednesday, i was on super panic mode because there was a miscommunication between me and my boss. it was clear to me that i was going to train all the products but it wasn't made clear to me that aside from that, i was to train another module PLUS the sales process module on friday.

i was so anxious last wednesday and i called tin to talk me through what i'm about to do. i thought it was suicide already. good thing tin was able to calm me down and lay down all the facts about what i'm going to do. thanks tin.

sometimes when the world seems to run in chaos and you feel like you're in the middle of it, all you need is to have someone to make you see things in perspective AND make you feel that you can definitely do it. for that, thanks tin and macky. macky was there, too, to listen to my rants :)

thursday and friday was the best for me. after being exhausted because of the whole day training my boss and i had a short sit down meeting about my performance. he said, and i paraphrase: wow. congratulations! i'm very much impressed. i didn't expect you to train the way you trained given the short time you have to study the materials. it's impressive. keep it up and may pupuntahan ka.

:) as if all the tension went away (my right hip and right thigh still hurt from all the standing and walking haha)

------

friday, i went out with my colleagues for a birthday celebration -- still hoping that i finally gain some lunchmates hahaha.

last night, saturday, i went out with my dear barkada. i love you guys so much!

anyway, that's my week.

(anti-climactic, LOL)

ciao!

random ulit

2010-04-21T23:17:00.002+08:00

maybe it's alright to feel this way. i should allow myself to be in this situation para hindi masyadong stressed.

seseryosohin na kita. i see a good future.

ang tagal ng sweldo. pero most of it, pambayad utang. pero ok pa din.

sa ngayon, 100% ng inis ko, dahil sayo.

"ano, tara! game na!"

nakakatuwang magka-kras.

i have yet to figure you out. if, in any way, i find a hole... ATAAAACCKK!!! lol!!

sleepy.

random

2010-04-20T00:14:00.002+08:00

i was absent today

i feel like i made the wrong choice

i have to give it time

i feel like i'm in a limbo

nahihirapan na ko sayo

mahirap iwan at kalimutan ang mga bagay bagay

i still choose to be optimistic about things

i have to give it time

i can't entertain those thoughts

of training

2010-04-16T00:02:00.003+08:00

naisip ko lang, pag trainer ka, di ka pwedeng pikon. di ka rin pwedeng tatanga tanga. at mas lalong di ka pwedeng sumungit. dahil hindi lang isa ang makakalaban mo, taena buong class.

pag maingay ang class, di ka pwedeng mag-maldita. wag kang babanat agad ng "i deserve some respect." tae. malamang lahat naman ng tao deserves our respect, kahit sino pa yan. bilang trainer, trabaho mong makibagay sa ugali nila. sakyan mo ang sense of humor nila. talk in their interest. never antagonize a trainee. kung titira ka, i-address mo sa pangkalahatan tapos wag mo masyadong gawin seryoso. maiintindihan na yun ng mga trainees mo.

eh kung bigla kang magagalit, wala na. sira na ang diskarte mo. pati na rin ang interes sayo ng trainees mo. pano pa sila makikinig sayo?

oo nga't proseso ang dini-discuss mo. mahaba yan, paulit-ulit, mapalabok, minsan kumplikado, pero hindi ibig sabihin nun, papatayin mo sa boredom ang trainees mo. yung tipong isang pilik-mata na lang ang bumubuka sa mata nila. tae.

lalong lalo na, wag kang magagalit pag nagkakaroon ng diskusyon. ibig sabihin, nagtatanong sila sa isa't isa. therefore, interesado silang malaman kung ano man ang sinasabi mo. sakyan mo yun. gamitin mo ang ingay nila sa lalo pang pagpapaintindi sa kanila ng punto ng sinasabi mo.

when you work with marketing/sales people, don't expect a boring bunch of people who only speak when spoken, too. tangena hindi yan mga accountants o clerks, no offense meant. mga maiingay na tao yan, madaming iniisip, minsan nagsasalita na bago magisip. trabaho mo bilang tainer ang intindihin ang mga iyon.

oo, hindi ka trainer. pero pucha, sana naman marunong ka namang makibagay at umintindi. kahit dun na lang. para yun lang, may drama nang, "i deserve some respect." ay na-leche na.

wala lang. thinking out loud lang.

ciao!

have i told you?

2010-04-05T02:24:00.003+08:00

... that at an age of 26, and in almost five years of working, i was retired twice?

... that i still want another beach escapade after being in bohol and zambales in three weeks' time?

... that i try my hardest to be the bryan you want me to be? and that although it may not seem like it, it still hurts when i remember the things i'm supposed to forget?

... that i'm dreading working next week?

... that i miss my TDD family?

... that i desperately need/want a massage but i can't afford it now?

... that my finances are in the worst situation in years?

... that i'm thinking of backpacking for a few weeks with no cellphone?

... that you might have not noticed, but i try to blog less and less? less words, less moping, less feeling.

... that i have a backlog of three photo albums for me to upload on fb and multiply?

... that i beginning to think that this is not working out and it's not meant for me?

... that i should be sleeping but i find sleeping wasting precious vacation time so i go around looking for stuff to do online and in real life?

... that i'm on my last straw?

well i told you now.

ciao.

dormant. bohol. and some random $#!+

2010-03-30T16:05:00.005+08:00

i have been dormant, i know.

there's too many things that happened in the last two to three weeks and i won't even try to be specific about it. chief of which is our barkada's adventure to bohol! yay!! first time!

also, there have been a lot of blessings that came my way mid-march. thank you to all those who prayed for me. thanks anton! siya kasi ang isa sa lagi kong napagre-request-an na ipag-pray ako. and the only thing that i ask of him in his prayers is that He gives me whatever is best for me, that's all.

as much as the answered prayers inspire me, of course, there has also been a lot of emotional stress for me. BUT i won't write it down anymore. i feel it's best to leave it in the past. it's quite hard to relive those experiences and write about them. aside from the fact that once i write it all down here, it becomes more real =s

anyway... sorry for that downer. haha. if your my friend on facebook, i'm sure nasuya na kayo sa mga pictures and videos :) but for the sake of my blog, here they are :)

the things we did:

rio verde lunch, butterfly sanctuary, chocolate hills, baclayon church, balicasag island, dolphin watching, balicasag snorkeling and fish feeding, bohol beach club dinner, E.A.T. danao (suislide, plunge), beach volleyball, panglao beach swimming. (i think i missed some hehe)

lol! look who i found in bohol!

THIS IS SOOOOOOOOO COOOOL!!!

you gotta try this when you go there, i swear!

this is THE PLUNGE: a canyon swing adventure attraction mounted over a 200 meter high and 300 meter wide gorge. A person would have to do a 45 meters free fall before being launched on a pendulum swing measuring to a hundred meter diameter. Cable has a maximum working load of 5 tons.

“The Plunge” is the best “fear factor” experience among other adventure activities on offer. One has to literally plunge to an open air where about two seconds, the plunger will all be defenseless, feel nothing and left all alone.

This experience is one great way to de-stress and even make one appreciate life the more.

It can accommodate 50 pax in a day. Total experience will just take around 10min.

For P700, it is sure worth the experience!

ciao!

walker

2010-03-05T20:22:00.000+08:00

When I no longer have your heart

I will not request your body

your presence

or even your polite conversation.

I will go away to a far country

separated from you by the sea

-- on which I cannot walk --

and refrain even from sending

letters

describing my pain.

-- Alice Walker

.

2010-02-27T22:59:00.003+08:00

right now Lord, in the middle of my battles, I ask for wisdom and understanding. hindi ko man po maintindihan ng ganap ang lahat ng ito, iparamdam Niyo po sa akin ang pagmamahal na lubos Ninyo. again God, all my plans, I lay them at your feet. Ad majorem Dei gloriam.

.

2010-02-24T01:04:00.002+08:00

Panginoon,

Dasal ko po ang patuloy Ninyong pag-gabay sa aking buhay na madilim sa kasalukuyan. Nawa'y Kayo ang magsilbing liwanag sa lahat ng aking tatahaking landas. Turuan Mo po ang sugatan kong puso na muling magtiwala sa pagibig; pagibig na nagpaparaya, mapagbigay, at walang pagiimbot. Hilumin ang mga sugat ng panglilinlang at kasinungalingan. Bigyan po Ninyo ako ng lakas ng loob na magtiwala at magmahal muli. Alam po Ninyo ang dasal ng puso kong nangungulila -- pawiin ng Inyong kamay ang pusong pagal.

Isinusuko ko na po sa Inyong mga paa ang anumang sakit na nararanasan ko ngayon. Buo ang aking tiwala sa Inyong karunungan at ano mang plano sa buhay ko.

Bigyan din ako ng lakas upang magpatawad ng walang pagaalinlangan.

Sa kabila ng lahat, buong kaluluwa ko pong tinatanggap ang lahat ng pasakit na pinagdadaanan ko ngayon. Anu man ang kahinatnan ng lahat ng ito ay para po sa Inyong kapurihan at kadakilaan.

Isinusuko ko na po ang buo kong pagkatao sa Iyong kalooban.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

dahil sa nagsinungaling ka...

2010-02-16T23:26:00.004+08:00

... nararamdaman kong wala ka sa lugar na sinasabi mo.

... nagiisip ako kung sino talaga ang kasama mo kahit sinabi mo na kung sino.

... nagdududa ako pag sinabi mong gumagawa ka ng mga importanteng bagay.

... nahihirapan akong maniwala sa lahat ng sinasabi mo.

... ayoko nang marinig pa ang mga palusot mo.

... hirap akong ibalik ang buo kong tiwala, lalo't alam ko na sa isang iglap, kaya mong baliktarin ang mga sinabi mo.

so help me god.

di ko alam

2010-02-12T23:51:00.002+08:00

baka kailangan ko nang bumitaw? baka kailangan ko nang baguhin ang sarili ko? baka minsan kailangan ko ng konting respeto?

hindi ko alam.

pero alam ko ang dapat kong gawin.

ER part II

2010-02-10T23:32:00.002+08:00

uʍop ǝpısdn

2010-02-04T01:03:00.002+08:00

˙ʇıq ɐ dn sƃuıɥʇ ǝʞɐɥs -- uʍop ǝpısdn sƃuıɥʇ uɹnʇ oʇ ǝɯıʇ s,ʇı ǝqʎɐɯ

edit: 2-10-10 - and it really went upside down. i rushed myself to the ER for the second time. i blame stress.

diversion

2010-02-04T00:37:00.001+08:00

dahil naiinis ako tonight, i'll just think about this.

randomness

2010-02-02T20:04:00.004+08:00

i am living in the moment.

----

i have successfully backed-up my files, reformatted my hard drive, and installed a fresh copy of the OS in my computer. my pc feels so clean and new, finally. i hope i can keep this up longer this time.

----

i want to be invisible again.

----

january came and went so fast. too fast i think that i feel like its helpless roadkill. my gulay. define stressful for a jumpstart.

ciao.

this week

2010-01-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

i am so spent.

;-(

next time

2010-01-27T00:03:00.001+08:00

di na ko uulit. sayang na sa effort. this time, pag inulit mo yun, tapos na ang usapan.

iba ako pag nagseryoso.

feeling nostalgic

2010-01-24T23:19:00.002+08:00

nostalgic.

this has nothing to do with me.

ciao!

i really don't understand

2010-01-22T00:17:00.002+08:00

why you can't give me 100% of the truth.

i don't understand your pretensions.

i don't understand the hiding.

i just don't get you ~~sometimes.~~

tang*na

2010-01-21T01:22:00.002+08:00

kaya pala.

at natanga nanaman ako dahil nagpauto naman ako.

bad day

2010-01-20T22:30:00.002+08:00

i conducted trainings in galleria today. after buying lunch, the mango shake slipped from my hands and, after attempting to regain my grip, spilled on my tie, polo, pants, and shoes.

and it happened in the middle of the mall. fuck. i ran as fast as i can back to the CR in our office.

i didn't notice that i was also clutching my phone that time. it was also drenched in mango shake.

this evening, before dinner, my aunt told me something about *something* that irritated me so much. buwisit. tangina. puñeta.

ito lang, kung may problema kasi kayo sakin, SABIHIN NIYO SA HARAP KO. direcho akong tao. walang kiyeme. kaya sana kayo rin.

tae.

and suddenly

2010-01-18T16:56:00.001+08:00

it rains.

perfect.

random thoughts

2010-01-18T01:06:00.004+08:00

i'm back to writing in my journal again. it's nice to feel the grip of the pen in my hands and the texture of the paper while i'm writing everything down. it took me a few days to get back to my handwriting. for quite some time now, i only wrote things for small notes, reminders, and grocery lists. because of that, my hands ached after only the first paragraph.

---

i started reading the manual for bokbok. my gulay, there's still a lot to learn about it. i have yet to take a day off (as if i'm busy) to read and try everything there.

---

i drew again :) might be posting some of those shit again soon. i'm still thinking about it. my next project is to do my portrait in charcoal.

---

it's been cold for days now. i like it! thing is, for some reason, ang daming lamok. eh when i'm inside the house, i only wear boxers. ang dami ko tuloy pantal.

---

for quite some time now, my right ear have been really itchy. it's super clean but it still itches. i'm suspecting that that's the reason. i always clean my ears kasi after the bath and i do the whole shenanigan -- cotton buds plus kutchara hehe. i should see an EENT specialist soon.

---

i've been trying to go to hidalgo for almost a month now but i can't. either wala akong kasama or yung supposedly kasama ko, ayaw or hindi pwede that day. it's okay naman kasi at least, less gastos. if ever, i'll be buying a filter lang naman and maybe (praying!!!) that i get to find an excellent yet very cheap speedlight.

---

ayoko na magtrabaho. pwede bang humilata na lang at sundin lang ang tawag ng katamaran? pero may pera pa rin ha? haha.

---

i'm so excited about march. SOOOO excited... and i just can't hide it. lol.

---

i miss you. i'm praying *this* works out well.

ciao!

maybe sometimes

2010-01-11T02:14:00.001+08:00

.

i need to be selfish.